Dear Letsrun,
Here’s the situation. I have been dating my girlfriend for four years. I am 28 and am finishing up a graduate degree. I’m currently job-hunting all over the country, and this is putting pressure on us to either break up or make a more serious commitment (e.g. move in together, probably head towards engagement). I am really torn on what to do and, in desperation, am turning to Letsrun. But you folks have given me good advice before, so I’m hopeful. A few more details below.
She is objectively a catch—intelligent, kind, very stable, attractive, high-earner. Part of me thinks it would be crazy to break up with her. We could have a solid and comfortable marriage, which seems a lot better than most couples in my parents’ generation. Moreover, her ancestry is the same as mine, which is important to my parents (though not to me).
But on the other hand, I just don’t feel like we click that well. It’s not that we fight—more that if we go out to dinner, we don’t typically have good conversation. We only really talk about what's going on with people we know or whatever Trump just tweeted. Our interests don’t overlap very much, and we haven’t made a lot of progress towards bridging that gap over the past four years. Outside of pretty unobjectionable stuff like hiking or going to a movie, I’m not that excited to do things with her. Things that make her laugh don’t make me laugh, and vice versa. We’re just pretty different.
I am leaning towards breaking up with her. It seems crazy to marry someone who I am typing these things about. But I’ve never been married, so what the hell do I know? Maybe the big check boxes that she meets are what matters in the long run. Married folks, am I paying attention to all the wrong things? Or am I right to be thinking that it’s best to cut things off?
Should we get married or break up?
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I didn't even read the body of your post. If you have to ask the question in the first place then you should break up. Seriously.
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If I knew hour gf I would tell her to break up with you. You sound like a real clueless prick.
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Help me out then, what am I being clueless about? Seriously asking. It is hard to think clearly about a relationship while you're in it, so happy to get different perspectives. My fear is that I'm just thinking that the grass is greener on the other side and not appreciating what I have. But as the first reply said...if you have to ask...
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Doesn't matter either way. In the olden days people got married to whoever happens to be available and nobody got divorced. Anyways why is your 5K PR only 18:30? What is your mileage and typical week of workouts?
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4 years is a long time to still be uncertain. Trying to be pragmatic (she makes good money etc) is not a reason to get married. If you were crazy about her and wanted to spend the rest of your life with her you wouldn't be here asking. Likely you'd already have proposed. You already know she's not "the one".
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Are you able to attract intelligent and beautiful women easily or are you likely to be a high earner after you graduate and make enough money to attract a trophy wife who will pretend to like the same things you do?
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The 2 polar opposites are your only 2 options - that is real silly man.
You sound like a Bernie Sanders supporter who voted Trump.
The answer is pretty obvious - continue dating and your job hunt. If you truly love each other the long distance/transition will work. If you don't then you'll end up breaking up and you totally dodged a bullet.
Getting married to avoid breaking up is ridiculous. If those are the ONLY options you'll consider and you are that illogical definitely break up. -
dude with gf but 18:30 5k PR wrote:
Help me out then, what am I being clueless about? Seriously asking. It is hard to think clearly about a relationship while you're in it, so happy to get different perspectives. My fear is that I'm just thinking that the grass is greener on the other side and not appreciating what I have. But as the first reply said...if you have to ask...
Ok I was a little harsh with my 1st post but yeah, I can tell you that when I met my wife there was never any doubt in my mind that this was the person I wanted to spend my life with. The whole "grass is greener" argument is a non factor imho, you either love her or you don't. It sounds like you don't. -
Think a lot of people would disagree with your "love at first site" hypothesis. Great that it happened to you and you believe that but I know a TON of people who weren't madly, without a doubt, in love in different stages of their relationships.
OP could be just as "in love" or more "in love" then you and your wife but just has a less commital personality. You are likely the type of person who would have fallen in love with a long list of women. OP probably would be indecisive no matter who he dated.
soveriegn citizen wrote:
dude with gf but 18:30 5k PR wrote:
Help me out then, what am I being clueless about? Seriously asking. It is hard to think clearly about a relationship while you're in it, so happy to get different perspectives. My fear is that I'm just thinking that the grass is greener on the other side and not appreciating what I have. But as the first reply said...if you have to ask...
Ok I was a little harsh with my 1st post but yeah, I can tell you that when I met my wife there was never any doubt in my mind that this was the person I wanted to spend my life with. The whole "grass is greener" argument is a non factor imho, you either love her or you don't. It sounds like you don't. -
realadviceman wrote:
Think a lot of people would disagree with your "love at first site" hypothesis. Great that it happened to you and you believe that but I know a TON of people who weren't madly, without a doubt, in love in different stages of their relationships.
OP could be just as "in love" or more "in love" then you and your wife but just has a less commital personality. You are likely the type of person who would have fallen in love with a long list of women. OP probably would be indecisive no matter who he dated.
Interesting concept that I've actually thought about. For what it's worth I dated a couple women pretty seriously before I met my wife and while I enjoyed their company it wasn't the same. -
realadviceman wrote:
The 2 polar opposites are your only 2 options - that is real silly man.
You sound like a Bernie Sanders supporter who voted Trump.
Harsh, and stupid. What's the title of the thread? Did it mention more than two options? Idiot. -
No it didn't...I think that's the point.
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Talk to her it's really that simple.
'Comfortable enough' relationships are rough. Sit down and have the let's sh!t or get off the pot conversation.
Some people are not into the romantic idea of marriage but do want the partnership of someone who they like.
Sex drive, children, life goals are just some of the many facets of a partnership marriage that must mesh.
You say you are on a job search nationwide. This is your entry into the conversation. Talk about relocation and her part in the decision making process. It's perfect set up for the stay together or not conversation.
Talk to her
I've led a life of unconventional partnerships with GFs at various commitment levels. Serial monogamy living together but not formal marriage to casually dating and sleeping with a couple of women at the same time not hiding the playing the field aspect and a couple of even more unconventional arraignments. I've come to understand there are many various levels that work well. Not everyone is the 167 guest catered wedding, white picket fence house on ,65 acres with 1,89 cars and 1.34 children type.
Talk to her.
After 4 years there might be something more than inertia holding you two together. -
Assuming this is not some type of troll post or gossip post, I think you have some valid points each way. Compatibility issues should be taken seriously. But the compatibility perks should be taken into account as well.
I guess what could be useful would be to consider what you would do after breaking up. Are you going to date and fool around? Are you wishing for love?
Have you ever been in love before? (Which could help in wishing for and seeking love, though it's not necessarily required).
Do you feel the current relationship is lacking in the dimensions of love and or sex/physical attraction?
It can be hard to find someone new. You may also have good memories with this existing relationship. You may also have religious beliefs that influence feelings. You may enjoy the prestige you get on social media from being in a relationship and you may be anxious about the drama of being single.
That's why it's so hard to give relationship advice anonymously in text. People have differing histories, goals, hangups, emotions. Even within an individual person, there is variation and disassociation. Sometimes people forget parts of themselves. Sometimes they stray from their chief core values.
It could be as simple as the cost benefit analysis I proposed at the beginning of my response here, or it could be very deep and complicated. That is, you could be feeling serious concerns emanating from deep psychic angst whose sources have not been pinpointed or articulated yet.
It's a tough world full of betrayal, coldness, hard work, suffering, death, decline, attrition etc. The threads of Love and relationships weave into the trials of our lives and serve as foils to the foul realities we may forget, choose to forget sometimes or have the privilege of being removed from for the time being. The clouds shall return again, experience and wisdom tells me.
Therefore, hold your feelings in serious regard.
Also, what are your future goals for the 5k? :-) -
dude with gf but 18:30 5k PR wrote:
Dear Letsrun,
Here’s the situation. I have been dating my girlfriend for four years. I am 28 and am finishing up a graduate degree. I’m currently job-hunting all over the country, and this is putting pressure on us to either break up or make a more serious commitment (e.g. move in together, probably head towards engagement). I am really torn on what to do and, in desperation, am turning to Letsrun. But you folks have given me good advice before, so I’m hopeful. A few more details below.
She is objectively a catch—intelligent, kind, very stable, attractive, high-earner. Part of me thinks it would be crazy to break up with her. We could have a solid and comfortable marriage, which seems a lot better than most couples in my parents’ generation. Moreover, her ancestry is the same as mine, which is important to my parents (though not to me).
But on the other hand, I just don’t feel like we click that well. It’s not that we fight—more that if we go out to dinner, we don’t typically have good conversation. We only really talk about what's going on with people we know or whatever Trump just tweeted. Our interests don’t overlap very much, and we haven’t made a lot of progress towards bridging that gap over the past four years. Outside of pretty unobjectionable stuff like hiking or going to a movie, I’m not that excited to do things with her. Things that make her laugh don’t make me laugh, and vice versa. We’re just pretty different.
I am leaning towards breaking up with her. It seems crazy to marry someone who I am typing these things about. But I’ve never been married, so what the hell do I know? Maybe the big check boxes that she meets are what matters in the long run. Married folks, am I paying attention to all the wrong things? Or am I right to be thinking that it’s best to cut things off?
Unlike the second poster, I read your whole post.
A friend of mine once told me that in high school she woke up at 3AM and found her parents sitting in the living room drinking tea. She asked them what they were doing up so late.
They said they were "just talking about life and things."
Years later she told me of a conversation she had with a famous photographer friend. And he said "You know, after the early honeymoon phase of a romance, and the courting and exciting sex, eventually sustainability of a relationship comes down to whether you enjoy one another's company. At the end of the day can you just sit around and enjoy talking? Because someday, if you stay together and get old enough, the hot sex is going to be rare, if you end up old folk together, are you going to be able to get along and converse and enjoy one anothers company.
From what you've written... That aspect seems REALLY important to you, and you are a very conscious guy, even for being pretty young in the grand scheme of things.
If you think there is no hope of talking with her about working on developing a greater more compatible connection...or series of mutual interests and connections... Then you should move on.
On the other hand, if you like her looks, her body, the physical side of the relationship to imagine still being visually/sexually attracted to her in 30 years...
Then you should have the conversation.
I'd recommend having the conversation with a therapist -- an uninvolved/uninvested 3rd party. --Women can get hurt and emotional when they feel critiqued or criticized or measure as not wanted in some way -- and act pretty dramatic, angry, or childish/hurt.
It would be good to have the conversation with a therapist -- a safe environment. I'd even suggest seeing the therapist first on your own. Get really clear on what isn't working for you. Share that with the therapist -- and most importantly along with geting clear with what isn't working for you -- get clear on what you want in a relationship with a woman. Granularly clear, write it out, journal it out. Share that with the therapist.
Good Luck to you both. -
Inertia might be enough wrote:
You say you are on a job search nationwide. This is your entry into the conversation. Talk about relocation and her part in the decision making process. It's perfect set up
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=EiC2tyL3G1g
Nuff said. -
Hey, OP, do you possess strong feelings for anyone in your life? Your analytical, unemotional analysis is odd- almost autistic-like.
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This is reminiscent of 4th-year medical student syndrome. As you know. 4th-year medical students are actively vying and interviewing for residency placement at this time of year. The uncertainty of where you'll end up as well as beginning a new chapter in your life can put strains on your relationship. Whatever you choose, it's worth reminding yourself that these stresses are normal.
Also: it is completely okay to be anxious and in doubt about the future of your relationship. In fact, I'd say it's honest and healthy. For some, insecurity leads them to consider their spouse "the one," and they paint rosy pictures of marital bliss. Such relationships are prone to spectacular failure, mostly because of the cloying dishonesty they're based on from the start.
I will add one thing: It sounds like your current gf loves you for who you are. If this is the case, that is a blessing taken for granted. Once you move up financially and vocationally, you will notice you're getting more attention than ever. Not everyone will appreciate you for the 'right' reasons. This applies males and females in your same situation.
I was in nearly the same situation not long ago, and I chose to break up. It was the right choice for me, and I don't regret it. You have lots to think about. Don't feel bad, whatever you choose. -
I was in the similar situation. Your advice greatly helped me feel about my decision. Thank you.
