Divorced wife, moved away from kids 20 year ago. Adult sons are weird. Advice

lookatme wrote:

Backstory: I divorced my wife and moved away from my young family about 22 years ago. We kept in touch and I financially supported them but only saw them a few weeks out of the year. Not interested in hearing what a jerk I am because I've been through that. I've apologized to my children about it. I have 3 kids, two sons and one daughter. I can't help but notice that my adult sons are a little off - no kids, no girlfriends, few friends decent careers but clearly unhappy. Very distant. My daughter has a good career and long term boyfriend and seems well-adjusted. But my sons...are just off. Any advice on how to make them normal?

They are probably fine. You are the weird one and they don't like you, and probably don't consider you their father. Who wants advice from a loser?

There's little to no chance your worldview is properly calibrated.

What is your ip address? I can certainly help you.

Seeking honest advice? Go to hell. You don't get to judge or have any say in the lives of children you abandoned 2 decades ago. They probably hate you, I know I would. Imagine that, a guy that abandon you, comes back 20 years later to call you defective and wants to " normalize" you. If I were your sons I tell you to f'u'ck off and eat dog shit 1000 times.

lookatme wrote:

doot doot wrote:

You're a hopeless pvssy.

(This is a troll thread.)

Not a troll thread. Seeking honest advice.

Going to give honest advice. For better or worse relationships are hard divorces happen and most often kids are the collateral damage.

A lot of studies have shown kids do well with very stable and nurturing environments. Even though you supported your family financially imagine being a single mother raising three kids, 3 dinners, 3 soccer games, 3 broken arms, etc etc.

Somewhere along the line, your sons might have gotten disillusioned with the American dream because of this. Get a good job, get married, buy house, car, kids etc etc just might not appeal to them and they might have gotten withdrawn.

I think at this point it would be best to have an open or honest conversation with them. Honesty is hard but you should try.

lookatme wrote:

Backstory: I divorced my wife...

My daughter...

Pics?

lookatme wrote:

Gene Wild wrote:

You might explore the possibility of removing your DNA and inserting some better stuff.

Y'all are mean - I already said I regret my decision, have apologized and am trying to move forward. I didn't come here to get insulted further. I am seeking honest advice on how to be a better father.

Don't expect a forum that removes more posts than Hillary removes emails to give you anything positive.

Everyone is criticizing and insulting you for abandoning the family, so I'll throw you a little positive vibe.

You were great in the 10K in those US/Soviet dual meets and I'm still blown away by your 300 mile weeks, Jerry.

Step no. 1: Be there. If anyone has kids, be a good grandpa and spoil that grandkid with lots of toys and attention. Do everything you can to help out during baby days and be ready to babysit on a moments notice. Go to the school plays, soccer games, etc. Be very positive and supportive of your kids' transition into their roles as parents. Being a grandparent is really a huge second chance for you.

Until kids come, do everything you can to show your kids that you want to reestablish a relationship with them. Do not judge them. Be there for them. Call every week even if you just get a "nothing much" when you ask them what is going on. Tell them about what you are doing. Take them out for dinner or to watch a game or something every now and then. Just have some fun with them.

Step no. 2: Accept them for who they are. They are still young and finding their way in the world. The best way to make sure any damage from the divorce is permanent is to show up now and be critical in any way, even if you think you are being constructive.

Step no. 3: Form an adult relationship with them. This is something that even parents who hit it out of the park in terms of family commitment and support for their kids struggle with. They cannot let go of parenting and treat their kids like adults. Your kids need to be able to follow their own path now. Offer advice upon request only. Otherwise, be supportive and show lots of interest in what your kids are doing.

Step no. 4: Be very patient and positive. It will take years to repair relationships and there will be many ups and downs. Your children do not owe you anything. All you can expect from them is to give you a chance.

Why does regret and apology = forget and forgiveness? Face it. You call your sons that you abandoned weird yet demand people to take your seriously.

Does one of them think he was raised by elves at the North Pole?

Question Answerer Guy wrote:

Time machine.

I laughed because that was going to be my response before I looked down.

Anyway, the OP can't "make them normal".

Just keep communication open with them.

Well ... wrote:

I have dated a few guys with daddy issues. Really the best thing you can do is reach out occasionally and say you're there for them if needed. More and you're just gonna be unwelcomed.

You can't turn back time, so don't bother trying.

A reach around wouldn't hurt either, he's already effed 'em in the familial A.

That's Great! Keep us updated!

Roy wins for the longest most detailed reply to a troll thread.

Compared to other countries, he US is not a social country. What happened to those kids can easily happen if kids live in the suburbs and stay on the computer all day. Social life in the US can really suck.

You tried this thread on October 19th. Kids are over 30 and not married was the title of that now deleted post. Didn't you take the advice from that thread?

when you're on to a good troll fest stick to it

lookatme wrote:

Backstory: I divorced my wife and moved away from my young family about 22 years ago. We kept in touch and I financially supported them but only saw them a few weeks out of the year. Not interested in hearing what a jerk I am because I've been through that. I've apologized to my children about it. I have 3 kids, two sons and one daughter. I can't help but notice that my adult sons are a little off - no kids, no girlfriends, few friends decent careers but clearly unhappy. Very distant. My daughter has a good career and long term boyfriend and seems well-adjusted. But my sons...are just off. Any advice on how to make them normal?

Stay away for another 20 years.

Your definition of off is irrelevant. And likely wrong.

And excuses and apologies are like farts. They all smell bad. But today people think that's all it takes.

This thread hits home. OP you are a worthless POS like my father. He did this to my three eldest half siblings. My dad was cruel and unusual that most of my peers assumed he was my step dad and not my real dad. Out of my dad's five children all of them grew up wounded.

I would personally like to meet you some day and cause great bodily harm you deadbeat.