Anyone date a girl with borderline personality disorder? Were there any early warning signs?

Was engaged to a girl I suspect has BPD. Lot of abuse I took, both physically and emotionally. Happy to be out but still recovering.

It first came out when just two weeks into our relationship she noticed I was still texting an ex. To her, it was like I banged her sister. Nearly left her, but stupidly wanted to help her alcoholism and also prove that I wasn't a "p.o.s. pig."

She would always threaten to cheat. Unsure if she ever did, but suspect it. Then compensate after by being highly submissive. Our relationship became insanely possessive and she brought out the worst in me.

Long story short, the possessive love didn't work. She threw out and destroyed everything I owned and left me nothing.

If you see a red flag, run! Stay the hell away. Even the greatest sex with the hottest girl isn't worth it.

"Don't save her. She don't want to be saved."

Borderline? Who cares?

Fvck her right in the pvssy.

Uriel. wrote:

The best way to decide this is to observe what she does on designated workout days and at races. If she starts skipping workouts and DNF'ing...you are in trouble.

Ladies, do you agree?

Nope. If anything, I think that "designated workouts and races" are situations in which unstable individuals can HIDE their traits. There are rules, tight expectations and measures of success. It's a lot like the "first three months" noted elsewhere in these posts. It's mostly when BPD people are forced to color outside the lines that the BIG CRAZY really emerges. And then, look out!

Luv2run wrote:

Isn't this true of ALL women/girls?

Absolutely! And aren't all men malignant narcissists?

Grow up.

My SIL has BPD in my humble opinion. She is terrible to her husband and kids. Will put people down in a crowd, will start arguments between people and then smile outwardly when the drama starts. Someone upthread made an interesting comment, parents of these folks will defend them to the end, when push comes to shove, to the point of a battered wife does her husband. I seriously don't get it.

I pretty much avoid this person at all family get togethers.

Spinning up drama webs - they are addicted to drama. You'll notice the mood swings are more frequent than normal. Relationship recycling (dumping for no reason out of the blue and then comes crawling back within 24 hours). Constant need for narcissistic supply (could be friends of the same sex or lingering romantic interests of the opposite sex). Deceitfulness. They will lie about some guy giving them their phone number - to make you jealous - when in fact it was she that actually did it.

Hard to recognize this during and immediately after but the 3 month rule as people talk about holds some truth to it. Coincidentally that is the honeymoon phase where the borderline will have made you feel such intense feelings of love that after you find out the "truth" (whatever it is...mood swings, two timing, unusually rigid outbursts or abuse) you'll be in a codependent trap, longing to return to that state. The kicker is those three months were all a facade. Even if you're not a codependent in other relationships, the borderline will break you down until you are and take you on this roller coaster. It's like being mentally raped.

Also sex. You'll love it but she'll just be "emotionally hollow" - hard to explain - despite how much she tells you she loves you (she will say the L word early). Sex is just a tool to them.

D.Trump wrote:

Borderline? Who cares?

Fvck her right in the pvssy.

Exactly. With a cigar.

If a girl agrees to date you, there is definitely something wrong with her. Take what you can get.

This is so frightening similar to my current situation I'm wondering if I wrote this drunk.

I don't know if I've dated anyone with a personality disorder, but I've dated some messed up women.

With one woman it started to become clear when she told me she loved me after two weeks. Huge red flag. She had all sorts of rules for how I should be as a boyfriend, and if I ever broke any of them for any reason she'd get very upset. She also expected to marry soon, even right from the beginning of the relationship. She also said I wasn't allowed to have female friends, even telling me once she got jealous when her friend sat like a foot away from me on the couch one day. We had some arguments, and maybe a couple big arguments around four or five months. Finally after six months I just had to break up with her on the spot. She made another comment about me not being able to have female friends and just right then and there I decided there is no way this woman will result in anything but disaster.

I knew two weeks when she said me loved me that things would probably go south, but I figured at least stick it out for a few months and get to know her and see how things go. Once you get to know the person you are dating and see they have problems why would you ever stick around?! End it. Find someone better who won't try to ruin your life.

I also dated someone for over a year and a half, but it didn't become clear she had problems until a year and a half in. So you can't always tell quickly. Which is why you should never think about getting married until you hit the 2 year mark. If you make it to two years and they haven't shown any problems they are probably ok.

The first red flag is that you suspect it.

Go with your gut and get out now.

angry willy wrote:

The first red flag is that you suspect it.

Go with your gut and get out now.

Yes, suspecting a red flag IS a red flag.

She's a virgin?

Social Worker wrote:

and personality disorders rarely improve even with professional help.

This is all you have to know

D.Trump wrote:

Borderline? Who cares?

Fvck her right in the pvssy.

We, the jurors of your query, request pics before we can answer: "who cares?"

I dated a bipolar chick without knowing what I was getting into. Met here when she was on the high end of her roller coaster and it was sunshine with rainbows with this attractive highly productive woman and she insists on staying over several nights, then about a week later, hold on for dear life for the ride on the crazy trains as she's threatening to attack you and calling your friends and shows a knife. Excuse: "oh, I forgot to take my meds the past few days," and she starts crying and howling. "Why didn't you remind me?"

"Shit, I've only known you a week," sez I.

Had to threaten to call the cops to get rid of her and get my building keys back.

Bottom line: if it seems to good to be true, she looks like she's out of your league but is insistent on staying the night, that's a warning sign, even if you're horny.

How do you people even get yourselves into these situations? I can't even fathom someone behaving like that and not getting rid of them instantly. Are you that desperate?

broken detector wrote:

I know a thread on this topic was posted a few years ago, but I'm wondering if guys can chime in on how long it took for them to realize something was wrong and if there were early warning signs they just didn't pick up on. Some red flags are obvious, but a lot of people can do a great job hiding their negative traits to the point few people would suspect that anything is amiss. Other than listening to the person tell their life-story, what else can a person go off of early on in the relationship if the person doesn't exhibit any obvious red flags?

As another mental health professional, I'd like to write in with a few additional comments. Any type of mental health diagnosis does not mean the patient is inherently a 'bad person'. Mental health issues are health issues. Many of my patients have chronic, ongoing struggles, and some symptoms go into remission. You could also look at cancer and observe that patients may deal with the symptoms for years, find years of remission only to have a recurrence.

Mental health often follows a similar pattern.

Unfortunately, mental health has such a stigma in the U.S. and it is disheartening to read posts that are degrading of an individual with mental health issues, and even suggesting to have sex with them and them dump them are disappointing. But given the emotional intelligence of many people on LetsRun.com, I'm not surprised the stigma continues on this board.

All patients I've treated with Borderline Personality Disorder or even with Traits of BPD have a history of childhood trauma, abuse and/or neglect. They didn't have loving, caring parents, they act out in ways that they've learned as children. With good consistent therapy and a toolkit of methods for handling BPD symptoms (such as CBT and DBT skills), individuals with mental health struggles can gain more and more experience with positive interactions, relationships and improvement. I've witnessed this first hand after years of treating patients.

If you're looking to 'avoid' someone with mental health issues, that is nearly impossible. In the U.S. 1 in 5 people struggle with various mental health issues in a given year. Anxiety, depression, bi-polar, OCD and schizophrenia. Often stressors in someone's life can be a precursor to a mental health struggle. Those stressors can be a new job, loss of a job, a divorce, a death in the family, a physical illness or an injury.

I would reiterate that empathy, kindness and caring for someone with mental health issues is always the best option. Would you mistreat someone with another illness or disease? No? Then why mistreat or rate someone with mental health struggles in such a negative manner?

If you choose to mistreat someone with a mental health struggle, you are only making it harder for someone to get better.

There are many types of personality disorders: antisocial personality, borderline personality, narcissistic personality, paranoia and delusional disorders. Schizoid personality disorder and schizotypal personality disorder. These personality disorders can be mild to severe. Most people I see as patients with personality disorders have trouble realizing that they have a problem because to them their thoughts are normal and they often look outward and focus on others for the source of their problems. They usually seek help because of their problems with relationships and work. People in general want to get better and want to be healthy.

If you know someone with a mental health issue who seeks to improve and get better, and you are in a relationship with them and have feelings for them, I would recommend talking with them, asking to join them in a therapy session to better understand what they're going through. There are also many books out about how to successfully be in a relationship with someone who has been diagnosed with a mental health issue and specifically BPD.

Without education about BPD, family members take their family member’s behavior personally—especially if the BP is of the higher-functioning invisible type. This leads to much unnecessary suffering, because BPD behavior isn’t willful. Think of it this way: Why would anyone choose to be in situations that make them angry, unhappy, or otherwise in distress?

Here's a good link for more information:

Good luck to you in your relationship.

Wes Craven wrote:

My friend has a theory about dating that I think is true, regardless of gender: no one can hold it together for more than three months.

If there's some real serious junk under the surface, it will come out no later than the three month mark of dating. If you can make it past three months and still be happy and optimistic about the relationship (even if you have to work through some things), you can probably make it work long term.

This is certainly consistent with my dating experience.

I always considered six months to be a better number, but ya know, whatever works.

Borderline Personality Disorder is not an actual mental illness although the distinction has been almost completely blurred.. It's an Axis II diagnosis which is used for, well, personality disorders, i.e., "flaws" in the development of personality as opposed to something malfunctioning in the brain's biochemistry.

You might want to check the Diagnostic and Statistic Manual, it must be online now but a library would have it if not. There are quite a few personality disorders. The best definition I ever heard of personality disorders is that they're what happens when a person overuses one particular type of coping mechanism, e.g. attachment, anger, self involvement, etc. All of these are things we normally do but not excessively and in balance with other coping mechanisms. The overuse of one sort of behavior is what makes the condition pathological.

A real hallmark of someone diagnosed with BPD is a nearly desperate desire for closeness while simultaneously being threatened and frightened of having them. That creates a constant pattern of behaviors which draw people close and then doing things that push them away. They'll develop other problems, substance abuse is pretty common, so is suicidal gesturing.

Each year the National Institute of Health releases new information on personality disorders and there are successful treatments. I concur with the previous post; mental health issues do not make a person inherently 'bad' or unable to thrive in the right relationship.