Dating someone seriously even though you both know it won't work out? Needing some input.

Carl Spackler wrote:

I skimmed over the some of the key points here.

It sounds like you don't have any close family (parents, siblings) or friends (who know you well at least) to talk to about this or you wanted to make an entertaining LRC post.

I don't know if I saw this, but consider your age and where you are with your education and career (including graduate school plans) and hers. Granted, change happens. If there's a mismatch that's going to be a strain on developing a relationship. The friends with benefits thing won't go on indefinitely: one of you will want to take thing to another level (marriage), or one of you will get stale (move on) and it will only be more difficult to that. You may need to be the adult in the pair (even if you are younger) and speak up if you see things ahead that she doesn't. You know the situation best.

Manny Jack wrote:

I started dating a girl this summer, both of us having intentions for things to be very casual and light-hearted. I went through a very bad breakup with someone this past winter around the same time that my mother died, and I've been kind of an emotional wreck ever since. I really wanted to focus on my life goals for awhile and not get involved with anyone. She went through a divorce this past Spring, and she has three kids, two of which are under the age of 3. She said basically the same thing, that she has no desire to get into anything serious and just wants to focus on her kids and her life goals for awhile. Both of us were just looking to go out on a few dates to stay social; not really anything more.

However, we really hit it off right from the beginning. Things got pretty serious pretty quickly without either of us meaning for them to. We talked about our lives, the things we've gone through, etc, and we definitely have that "special connection" you only rarely have with another person. It freaked us both out, so we "broke up" after about a month, then we didn't talk for a month, and now we're talking again. I spent time with her twice in the last two weeks, and both times it felt extremely natural to be with her, like it's just meant to be or whatever, and I can say without a doubt my life is better with her being a part of it. BUT, our lives are very different and pointed in very different directions. There are MANY big factors that make a LTR pretty much impossible, some obvious ones being that she has three kids by two different guys who are still involved in the kids' lives, she doesn't want any more kids, I have none but want some eventually, and I'm planning on moving and going to grad school in a year or two and could never see myself staying here the rest of my life. Her entire family is here though, and she's very close with them, so she's not going anywhere.

Despite all the above, I'm considering being in relationship with her, going out once or twice a week (all her schedule allows), with both of us understanding it has a definite end at some point in the next year or two. I'm terrified of getting overly attached, but I also know these special relationships don't come along often, and she's honestly the best girl I've ever dated in my 29 years. I'm now an adult orphan, so I don't really have anyone else (I'm not close with my siblings), so it is very meaningful to me to have someone important in my life, someone I can talk to and share things with.

If anyone has thoughtful input, I would very much appreciate it. Thank you in advance.

Manny Jack wrote:

So I am responding to pretty much everyone in this post, so I'm not quoting anyone directly. I thought I said much of these things but I need to emphasize them more I guess.

We both know it is not going to work out long term. We talked about that a long time ago. That is precisely why I ended things 7 weeks ago. We were both having strong emotions for each other, things were going extremely well, I felt totally at peace with her and as if I could be happy with her long term. She may not have felt quite that strongly, but she was kind of freaked out by everything too, so we talked about it all and decided we shouldn't date anymore because we know it won't work out long term.

The big however is that neither of us WANT something that will end in marriage right now. Neither of us want to meet our future spouse. I have a lot of stuff going on in my life over the next 4-6 years that will have me moving around a fair amount and that will make being tied down to anyone pretty much impossible. She has now had two bad marriages but has a great family. She has stated repeatedly she definitely does not want anything serious with anyone right now and has even talked about getting her tubes tied because she knows she doesn't want any more kids. I trust her because she even got on birth control once we started sleeping together regularly, but I still take no chances no matter what.

Finally, I have dated A TON. I live in a college town. There are literally thousands of beautiful college girls and even grad students here. I went out with around 50 different girls in 2015. I have a very difficult time really "clicking" with people, and I can say without a doubt that I enjoy spending time with my baby-mama girl than anyone I've dated. I've also had several bad relationships in the past with girls who ended up being very narcissistic. This new girl is not that way at all. She works in special ed for crying out loud because she just loves taking care of people and kids and sees it as her life work. I think it would be good for me to have someone like that in my life since I don't have anyone else, even if I know it won't last.

It sounds like the crowd has spoken, and I appreciate your input. I'm just emphasizing some things a few people didn't seem to pick up on in my first post. Still open to hearing more thoughts, even if they're unchanged. Thanks.

Manny Jack wrote:

I started dating a girl this summer, both of us having intentions for things to be very casual and light-hearted. I went through a very bad breakup with someone this past winter around the same time that my mother died, and I've been kind of an emotional wreck ever since. I really wanted to focus on my life goals for awhile and not get involved with anyone. She went through a divorce this past Spring, and she has three kids, two of which are under the age of 3. She said basically the same thing, that she has no desire to get into anything serious and just wants to focus on her kids and her life goals for awhile. Both of us were just looking to go out on a few dates to stay social; not really anything more.

However, we really hit it off right from the beginning. Things got pretty serious pretty quickly without either of us meaning for them to. We talked about our lives, the things we've gone through, etc, and we definitely have that "special connection" you only rarely have with another person. It freaked us both out, so we "broke up" after about a month, then we didn't talk for a month, and now we're talking again. I spent time with her twice in the last two weeks, and both times it felt extremely natural to be with her, like it's just meant to be or whatever, and I can say without a doubt my life is better with her being a part of it. BUT, our lives are very different and pointed in very different directions. There are MANY big factors that make a LTR pretty much impossible, some obvious ones being that she has three kids by two different guys who are still involved in the kids' lives, she doesn't want any more kids, I have none but want some eventually, and I'm planning on moving and going to grad school in a year or two and could never see myself staying here the rest of my life. Her entire family is here though, and she's very close with them, so she's not going anywhere.

Despite all the above, I'm considering being in relationship with her, going out once or twice a week (all her schedule allows), with both of us understanding it has a definite end at some point in the next year or two. I'm terrified of getting overly attached, but I also know these special relationships don't come along often, and she's honestly the best girl I've ever dated in my 29 years. I'm now an adult orphan, so I don't really have anyone else (I'm not close with my siblings), so it is very meaningful to me to have someone important in my life, someone I can talk to and share things with.

If anyone has thoughtful input, I would very much appreciate it. Thank you in advance.