I started dating a girl this summer, both of us having intentions for things to be very casual and light-hearted. I went through a very bad breakup with someone this past winter around the same time that my mother died, and I've been kind of an emotional wreck ever since. I really wanted to focus on my life goals for awhile and not get involved with anyone. She went through a divorce this past Spring, and she has three kids, two of which are under the age of 3. She said basically the same thing, that she has no desire to get into anything serious and just wants to focus on her kids and her life goals for awhile. Both of us were just looking to go out on a few dates to stay social; not really anything more.
However, we really hit it off right from the beginning. Things got pretty serious pretty quickly without either of us meaning for them to. We talked about our lives, the things we've gone through, etc, and we definitely have that "special connection" you only rarely have with another person. It freaked us both out, so we "broke up" after about a month, then we didn't talk for a month, and now we're talking again. I spent time with her twice in the last two weeks, and both times it felt extremely natural to be with her, like it's just meant to be or whatever, and I can say without a doubt my life is better with her being a part of it. BUT, our lives are very different and pointed in very different directions. There are MANY big factors that make a LTR pretty much impossible, some obvious ones being that she has three kids by two different guys who are still involved in the kids' lives, she doesn't want any more kids, I have none but want some eventually, and I'm planning on moving and going to grad school in a year or two and could never see myself staying here the rest of my life. Her entire family is here though, and she's very close with them, so she's not going anywhere.
Despite all the above, I'm considering being in relationship with her, going out once or twice a week (all her schedule allows), with both of us understanding it has a definite end at some point in the next year or two. I'm terrified of getting overly attached, but I also know these special relationships don't come along often, and she's honestly the best girl I've ever dated in my 29 years. I'm now an adult orphan, so I don't really have anyone else (I'm not close with my siblings), so it is very meaningful to me to have someone important in my life, someone I can talk to and share things with.
If anyone has thoughtful input, I would very much appreciate it. Thank you in advance.
Dating someone seriously even though you both know it won't work out? Needing some input.
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Be careful with the kids.....They're too little to understand the nuanced tones you are trying to play with their mom. Don't hurt them. They didn't ask for this situation. They just want some security in their troubled upbringing. And yes, two different absentee fathers, and now mommy's new boyfriend is a textbook troubled upbringing.
Three little kids by two dads? That's a huge warning sign. Just sayin. -
I don't understand why you want a "serious" relationship. What do you have against laughter? Your relationships will go better if you laugh more.
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Walk away and walk away now
2 jacked up people
Poor kids
I know a woman that has 5 kids from 7 different men, Science should investigate that one. -
Uncle Goofball wrote:
Be careful with the kids.....They're too little to understand the nuanced tones you are trying to play with their mom. Don't hurt them. They didn't ask for this situation. They just want some security in their troubled upbringing. And yes, two different absentee fathers, and now mommy's new boyfriend is a textbook troubled upbringing.
Three little kids by two dads? That's a huge warning sign. Just sayin.
The kids' dads are still around, they're just not married to the mother any more. I'm never around them. The girl has two nights completely off from kids each week. I don't want to be around them at all for the reasons you stated, and their mom doesn't want me around them either for obvious reasons.
I'm very aware it's a huge red flag. It's part of the reason why I would never marry her and didn't want things to get serious at all. The thing is, she's from a community where it is very normal for girls to get pregnant and start having kids as teenagers or early 20s. Very few people go to college. It's just not the expectation (small town). Nobody in her family went to college, nor was she ever encouraged to go to college. People around her were getting married and having kids at age 18, 19, etc, so she didn't really have any other perspective on life. She is not dumb. She's just kind of the product of a backward environment. And, she loves kids, so the idea of having some herself was never thought of as a bad thing to her.
I guess in the end, I know it sounds messed up, but she makes me happy and enriches my life, and she's much more kind and thoughtful than any college educated girl I've ever dated, and I've even dated several PhD students. Both she and I have experienced some serious loss in our lives, so we understand each other in ways few people can... But yeah, it freaks me out a bit too.
Thank you for the response. -
The major warning sign here is your desire to one day have (your own biological) kids and her absolute reluctance. That type of disagreement is fundamental and difficult to mend.
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kids. wrote:
The major warning sign here is your desire to one day have (your own biological) kids and her absolute reluctance. That type of disagreement is fundamental and difficult to mend.
Exactly. I would add that it is impossible to mend.
My advice for you - It was fun while it lasted, but now its time to move on. -
Stay away, unless you are serious about her.
Different ballgame when kids come in to play. Do you love her kids, too? Because they will be part of your family. If you tolerate them, run. If you genuinely enjoy their company, you may need to reevaluate your arbitrary life plans.
How many potential perfect matches will you pass up while essentially wasting 2 years with someone you have no interest in staying with?
OTOH, Love is worth changing plans for. Love is more important than where you go to grad school. -
Never waste a day of your time if you are with the wrong person. Dump her immediately and move on. The right person is out there. I broke up with a wonderful girl about 2 weeks before I met my wife because I knew this was not the right person for me. My friends thought I was crazy at the time but it worked out perfectly. If I had not dumped her, I would have been on a fruitless date with her and would have never met my wife. Show respect and confidence in yourself by ending it. By the way, you are not doing her any favors by hanging on.
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Read"The Four Agreements," and "Getting the Love You Want." This is a dead end for you (and her) emotionally. Walk away now.
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Hey man. It seems like you are emotionally vulnerable right now. She does seem like a decent person, yet somewhat irresponsible. I would be very hesitant to have a serious relationship with a woman that has kids from multiple fathers, especially young ones, and has relationships that fall apart. You likely could be the father of the next child and I am sure other men have thought the same about her. Our emotions blind us from these realities.
As an example, my last girlfriend was the type that jumped quickly from one relationship to another, without ever having to be alone and reflect about herself as a person. Her main concern was her emotions, without taking responsibilities for her emotions or considering how her emotional immaturity affects her relationships. I thought that I could change this, but she ended up doing the same the same thing to me, leaving because her emotions were paramount and quickly going into dating other men. And many of the same concerns she encountered with me, were the same she has encountered with her next boyfriend. It's not that rare of a behavior, honestly.
The point of that story is people tend to repeat the same mistakes and behaviors, despite our best hope that they don't. If the red flags aren't going away after awhile, they might never go away.
I think you know this isn't going to work out in the long run, it's better to end this sooner rather than later and give yourself the opportunity with another person. If you have some lingering emotions insecurities from your recent life happenings, talking to a professional about them could be a good idea. There is no shame in doing so. -
Just read some more posts. I change my recommendation. Have fun until you meet someone else. It's easier to meet other women when your dating someone else, it's like they can smell your desirability.
The eventual breakup might be difficult, but you know it is in the best interest of your long term goals, so always keep that in mind when it happens. -
sub3over40 wrote:
Never waste a day of your time if you are with the wrong person. Dump her immediately and move on. The right person is out there. I broke up with a wonderful girl about 2 weeks before I met my wife because I knew this was not the right person for me. My friends thought I was crazy at the time but it worked out perfectly. If I had not dumped her, I would have been on a fruitless date with her and would have never met my wife. Show respect and confidence in yourself by ending it. By the way, you are not doing her any favors by hanging on.
Excellent advice.
Only thing to add: you sound thoughtful wistful and clingy and hurt already as you are pondering entering a relationship - God help us all when she punches you in the mouth with a breakup and you litter this board with your emotional downfall.
Man up - get therapy now. -
Manny Jack wrote:
She went through a divorce this past Spring, and she has three kids, two of which are under the age of 3.
I have none but want some eventually, and I'm planning on moving and going to grad school in a year or two and could never see myself staying here the rest of my life. Her entire family is here though, and she's very close with them, so she's not going anywhere.
she's honestly the best girl I've ever dated in my 29 years.
RUN RUN RUN FAST AWAY FROM THIS WOMAN!
You are very needy currently, from the bad breakup, the death of your mother, and since you just don't have very much life experience at this point. However, you don't need this woman. What you need is to have space in your life to be able to keep filling it up with your own experiences, not with the kids and mistakes the women has made, who wants you to take care of her for the rest of her life, and make no mistake, that IS what her intention is to do, weather she realizes and admits it or not.
If you don't get away from her now, you're going to be in exactly the same place in 40 more years.
Put the relationship on hold. Talk with other women. Date other women. Do other activities that you can do on your own. Hang out with friends, women and men. Expand your horizons. Do not tie yourself down to a woman with 3 kids. -
Married or not, she will soon have 5 kids with 3 dads, you'll be paying child support for the rest of your life and will have zero choice in the matter.
Your only choice is to not be with her before she gets pregnant, if it's not already too late. -
Its not a serious relationship if you are not planning on sticking it out.
Break up now. Honesty is the best policy. -
Manny Jack wrote:
If anyone has thoughtful input, I would very much appreciate it. Thank you in advance.
Let me tell you a story about the life of my good friend:
Let's call him "Jim." Jim was always the guy in my high school group who never had a girlfriend. He was decent looking and nice, but he was a little bit immature and never very good at sports, so he just never connected with any of the girls. The thing is, he was very smart, so in college he began to come into his own and started dating women. At first he went for not-so-attractive ones, but soon he got more comfortable and started taking some chances with a few 7s or 8s. He got shot down a few times and lost his confidence and kind of clammed back up for a few years during grad school and the first few years of his employment. He worked hard and made good money, but he lived on his own and didn't have many friends in his new town. The whole thing was kind of depressing. One day he calls to tell me about this new woman that he was dating. I lived about two hours away so my wife and I visited him one evening and we all went out to dinner. The girl was very, very attractive and seemed really nice. Over dinner, it comes out that she has two kids: 9 and 12. Two different fathers. She told us the stories and they were your normal "oops" stories but she loved her kids and so forth...
So a few more years go by and they get engaged. I am happy for my buddy, but I feel like I should ask a few questions about the other guys since my buddy's parents are no longer living and he doesn't really have anyone to ride his ass about these kinds of things. He says they are both losers who still live in the same town. So alarms go off in my head, right? Two losers who have kids with your wife living in your town? I ask him about it and he says there are no issues.
They get married and within a month of the wedding he gets harassed at dinner with his family. One of the dads comes in drunk and starts to talk junk to my friend for trying to steal his "baby girl" (the 12 year old). These things continue to happen and they have to move, and now it is all about legal problems that keep emerging. They get all kinds of legal threats and have to spend money on lawyers all of the time. Meanwhile the poor kids.
Keep in mind that my buddy "Jim" is a normal upper-middle class guy with an advanced degree and a really good job who has no idea how to handle these roughnecks. It is a nightmare. -
So I am responding to pretty much everyone in this post, so I'm not quoting anyone directly. I thought I said much of these things but I need to emphasize them more I guess.
We both know it is not going to work out long term. We talked about that a long time ago. That is precisely why I ended things 7 weeks ago. We were both having strong emotions for each other, things were going extremely well, I felt totally at peace with her and as if I could be happy with her long term. She may not have felt quite that strongly, but she was kind of freaked out by everything too, so we talked about it all and decided we shouldn't date anymore because we know it won't work out long term.
The big however is that neither of us WANT something that will end in marriage right now. Neither of us want to meet our future spouse. I have a lot of stuff going on in my life over the next 4-6 years that will have me moving around a fair amount and that will make being tied down to anyone pretty much impossible. She has now had two bad marriages but has a great family. She has stated repeatedly she definitely does not want anything serious with anyone right now and has even talked about getting her tubes tied because she knows she doesn't want any more kids. I trust her because she even got on birth control once we started sleeping together regularly, but I still take no chances no matter what.
Finally, I have dated A TON. I live in a college town. There are literally thousands of beautiful college girls and even grad students here. I went out with around 50 different girls in 2015. I have a very difficult time really "clicking" with people, and I can say without a doubt that I enjoy spending time with my baby-mama girl than anyone I've dated. I've also had several bad relationships in the past with girls who ended up being very narcissistic. This new girl is not that way at all. She works in special ed for crying out loud because she just loves taking care of people and kids and sees it as her life work. I think it would be good for me to have someone like that in my life since I don't have anyone else, even if I know it won't last.
It sounds like the crowd has spoken, and I appreciate your input. I'm just emphasizing some things a few people didn't seem to pick up on in my first post. Still open to hearing more thoughts, even if they're unchanged. Thanks. -
It sounds like the woman is very nice, but I feel like it should be noted that she may be looking for a meal ticket. Two kids with busted dads and she can probably be the nicest person in the world if it means she may get a crack at a sugar daddy.
Of course she is going to tell you that she wants to keep things simple and that it is not serious... Of course. Just be careful. -
Are you out of your mind? The "special relationship" is going to change once you discover that baby #4 is on the way, and guess who's the sucker who's going to marry her and support ALL the kids?
Get it out of your head that there is only one soulmate out there for you. That is a lie told by Madison Avenue for the purposes of selling diamond rings and Valentine's Day cards. There are lots of people out there who you can have a special relationship with (and who haven't had multiple baby daddies.)
