Divorce Sucks!

Divorce doesn't suck, it's great! Done it twice now. Good times.

@UsedToBeKnowItAll , You nailed it for me. This is exactly how I feel, and this is my life right now. I've actually thought death would be easier to accept because you know the other person didn't choose to die. I'm separated but it appears that divorce is inevitable. The hardest part for me is that there a lot of things between us that are still really good and tons of mixed signals on my spouse's part. Giving into divorce would be the simplest way, but I can't give up yet knowing there is still a tiny little chance to keep it together.

@I am moving forward, did you try to work it out, were you unable to forgive, or did he just give up and want to move on?

My reply was addressed to the OP who is getting divorced. I am not really sure why it made you so angry. It sounds like your spouse left you. Given your propensity to insult the intelligence of someone whose opinion is different from yours I can understand why you are divorced. I lost a parent to death when I was very young. The loss that I felt losing my parent to death is no way comparable to the feelings I had when my marriage ended in divorce. I can still pick up a phone and talk to my ex.

It is funny how people who state that they have perfect marriages have a need to justify their life decisions on a thread about someone who is suffering through divorce.

I’ll just share my story, because what you wrote really resonated with where I was at. There was a point where divorce seemed like the best option given our stuggles, and I imagined how it would go down daily. Due to medical issues with our son, we were under tons of stress and running on very little sleep for a long time (years). On top of that, we were not together for very long before she got pregnant, which resulted in us having no time to really figure out what works for the other person and what doesn’t.

The end result was that we had no time to discuss parenting, and we differed on some key issues which never got resolved.

The ways we handled conflict were complete opposites (she would get angry, yell, sometimes scream profanities at the drop of a hat) and I would just totally shut down and be accused of avoiding the issue. I was very proud, and often times did avoid resolving conflict because I never wanted to tell her what I was feeling, as I thought it was pointless (it wasn’t).

We never went to counseling, because the only times I brought it up were when we were fighting during which time we never decided anything.

It got to the point where I would just leave. And funny enough, while I was contemplating divorce, my wife never once thought about it, and just thought we needed to work things out. In a sense, this was a huge boon for me because this whole time I thought she was miserable. Turns out she just handled conflict the same way her mother handled confict, and realized that I am not her father and don’t stand for high-emotion yelling.

As I mentioned, we never went to counseling, but being religious we did start a biblical marriage “study”, basically a book that helps couples find agreement using a third party (the bible) and modern counseling techniques. If you’re not religious, there are tons of other things around but you just might have a bit of trouble finding one you agree with. With us, it a bonus that it was bible centric since both of us take that very seriously.

We started reading it 3-5 nights a week. This is extremely (EXTREMELY!) difficult to do when previously we never made time just to devote to bettering our marriage, let alone just sitting and talking without distractions (even dinner can be a distraction, because you can “just eat”). We fought almost every night at first, but both of us care about each other and seriously wanted to make it better since we did build a good life and have fun together.

It got easier. We started challenging ourselves to kind of “roleplay” through tough issues we went through throughout the day. Discussing what went wrong, what could have been said better, what should not have been said while emotions were running low. This is fantastic because it allowed us both to realize that fights happen for reasons completely separate from the actual matter at hand. Most times, it’s something a bit deeper and the fight is just the result of someone being triggered.

Fast forward 2 years, and we’re still doing the studies 5 nights a week (only around 20 minutes at a time now), and it’s the best thing for our marriage possible. Now, we normally get into small arguments during this time and not at all throughout the day, because we have learned to handle what’s bothering us before it gets too crazy.

Anyways, that’s a lot of text but I hope it helps someone. Just spending time bettering your marriage, becoming a better team, and learning to understand eachother better can be the biggest blessing in your life. I see other people struggling with their marriage, and it makes me really sad because I feel more security and fulfillment in my marriage now than ever, and I know it will only get better. Life happens, things get tough, but there is a reason we get married in the first place, and if you really want a life companion you can lean on, learn from, love, and receive love from, take the time to take your marriage seriously.

Just opining in general but does the age that you get married help with some of these issues?

I had a buddy from college who married a girl at 25. She was a psycho in college (we knew her), would get drunk and cry, cheat on whoever she was dating, gained a bunch of weight, was kind of an idiot. Things are starting to go downhill just a few years out (surprise she is still crazy!). He was my friend so I never said anything but she had very few redeeming qualities short of being kind of cute in high school (the kind of girl you see out at a bar and think is cute at best).

Not that I consider myself that mature but I find that in my late 20s and early 30s I was far more mature than I ever was in college. Just that grind of work and taking work seriously has really shaped me. Seeing someone get married at 33 - 35 seems like way smarter: they probably have more financial security, have probably had a little more life experiences (other breakups, job promotions, getting fired, etc etc) so know how to deal with conflict and lastly (I do think this is important since many of us our runners) you know how to take care of your body and be healthy for the most part.

Blister in the Sun wrote:

@I am moving forward, did you try to work it out, were you unable to forgive, or did he just give up and want to move on?

Barely tried counseling, he made up his mind early on then had mix emotions later on after he left. I just needed closure from the beginning instead of now which made it harder. Anyway, I need to continue to move forward...all I know is that he downgraded on looks and upgraded on a gold digger..:)

Thanks all again, I will keep you guys informed when it's final!

I am moving forward wrote:

Yep, I have kid in high school that is living with me and it's been very tough.

To answer the guy who asked "Was he cheating on you? Or did you shut him off? Or is he gay? Yep, just found out he's seeing someone, I did shut off because I wasn't happy with him and you never know.

Read more:

http://www.letsrun.com/forum/flat_read.php?thread=7715199&page=2#ixzz4LiENbJGg

How long ago did you shut him off?

What do you mean 'you never know'.

UsedToBeKnowItAll wrote:

People always sympathize with a person that loses a spouse to death. It's a horrible tragedy. Well, it's fvcking way worse when your spouse chooses to leave you. You have the same loss as a death, but also the loss of your confidence, your trust.

There is nothing that is harder than losing someone to death who is close to you.

@i am moving forward

I went through all of this about eight years ago. I was the one who initiated our breakup, and as funny as it sounds the first few months were great, even though we were still living in the same house, because I felt a sense of autonomy and control I'd never had in our marriage.

Then about 4 months in, it started to hit me. This was real and it was really happening. The next 6 months or so were a total hell, I lost almost 50 pounds in 4 months, I screwed up so much at work I almost lost my job, and I spent most of that time practically begging my wife to try again. I'm lucky I had a couple of really close friends who talked me off the ledge time and time again because I don't know what I would've done without them.

In the midst of all of it, one if my friends (who had gone through a divorce) told me, "A year from now you are going to feel better...". I didn't believe him but then I realized that as the days, weeks and months went on, he was right. There was still a lot of pain, of course, and tons of regret, especially because we had two kids who were 12 and 8 at the time, but I realized as all of that time went on I just felt "better". Once you reach that point you will know what I'm talking about.

That doesn't mean the pain and regret don't disappear. I'm remarried to a wonderful woman and have a great relationship with my kids, but I still think a lot about what happened. It is kind of like losing someone close to you, you find a way to live with it, but you never get over it.

Better days are ahead, just focus on getting yourself back to where you want to be and focus on making sure the kids are working through it as best they can too. I also had an awesome counselor that was a big help. Most of all, don't let yourself get drawn into any divorce BS, like arguing about stupid stuff, and think about how to create a life in what is the here and now.

Divorce does suck, and even though I am in a way better place in my life now because I did it, I wish I hadn't have gone through it. But focus on the future and not the past, and control the things you can control. Just trust that time will give you clarity, because it always does.

Cheating? wrote:

I am moving forward wrote:

Yep, I have kid in high school that is living with me and it's been very tough.

To answer the guy who asked "Was he cheating on you? Or did you shut him off? Or is he gay? Yep, just found out he's seeing someone, I did shut off because I wasn't happy with him and you never know.

Read more:

http://www.letsrun.com/forum/flat_read.php?thread=7715199&page=2#ixzz4LiENbJGg

How long ago did you shut him off?

It was on and off depending on how he treated me

What do you mean 'you never know'.

I mean, him and his buddies go to San Fransico every year for a trip and add females to the scene? Swingers? Bi or what? I can think of better places to go on guy trips, no?

tytryrt wrote:

Ever heard of wedding vows "Till Death Do Us Part?"

Too bad we can't keep a vow. Integrity.

Marriage isn't easy but it's the right thing. It takes work and sacrifice.

This was my mentality as I stuck by my wife through the turbulence of her alcohol and benzodiazepine addiction, not contributing a single thing to our household and impeding my efforts to provide structure and teach good habits to our young son with developmental delay.

She refused to quit drinking for our family but finally hit 'rock bottom' earlier this year when the police removed her from our house in the middle of the night when she was drunk, belligerent and started a fight with me. She was away at rehab for 3 months while I worked full time, single-parented, and tried to give as much support as I could to my mom with ovarian cancer. This situation was far less stressful than having her home.

She has maintained sobriety for 6 months but I learned one month ago that she has been carrying on extramarital affairs with 3 different men starting during the time she was in rehab. She came home a week after her discharge, telling me that she was visiting a girlfriend from her first rehab because she needed more time to adjust but in reality going to stay with a guy in a different city.

The first thing she did she flew back to our city was to meet with another man in a hotel, telling me that she was going to an 'AA meeting.' She continued to meet with this man even after she completed AA step 4, taking a 'fearless moral inventory' of herself. She has yet to provide me with one single piece of honest information about any of her extramarital affairs, but grossly underestimated my ability to piece together everything.

You can blame me for being an idiot and screwing up the biggest decision of my life when I chose her as my life partner, but please do not criticize me for moving on from this relationship that is broken beyond repair.

Circumstances wrote:

She has maintained sobriety for 6 months but I learned one month ago that she has been carrying on extramarital affairs with 3 different men starting during the time she was in rehab.

about all the affairs?

I am moving forward wrote:

Blister in the Sun wrote:

@I am moving forward, did you try to work it out, were you unable to forgive, or did he just give up and want to move on?

Barely tried counseling, he made up his mind early on then had mix emotions later on after he left. I just needed closure from the beginning instead of now which made it harder. Anyway, I need to continue to move forward...all I know is that he downgraded on looks and upgraded on a gold digger..:)

Thanks all again, I will keep you guys informed when it's final!

In the meantime, how's the running going?

I'll tell the whole story when legal issues are more settled. It's crazier than anything most trolls could ever dream up.

I am not moving right now wrote:

In the meantime, how's the running going?

It's ok, it's not like what it used to be...I feel as though I have "lost that loving feeling"....😏 not as motivated to run or race. It's weird b/c I really want to do another race by the end of the year but not sure it will happen...urgh