My Parents Died Recently, Having a Hard Time Getting Back to Normal.

Unsure if you attend church or a bible study group, but would recommend that to help draw close to God through this all. A closer relationship with Him can help give you strength.

I agree with others, talking to someone, perhaps a pastor, could help.

Also, I'm guessing you run, since you coach. Pick a race and dedicate to your folks, regardless of the time/place you end up. I did that after I lost my grandma.

I am very sorry for your loss. I lost both of my parents within a three month span last year. Additionally, I almost lost one of my brothers to a heart attack around that same time frame and I was diagnosed with cancer, which I'm still dealing with. As was the case with you, my parents were real pillars in my life. If you haven't already done so, I would recommend reading Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's book "On Death and Dying." It helps put things in perspective. Whatever you do, allow the grieving process to run its course. As others have already suggested, I would also recommend talking things through with a therapist. It's odd, but sometimes it's easier sharing your feelings with a complete stranger than it is to a confidant. I can assure you that time will, in fact, help you get over your loss. I'm almost a year out from my first parent's passing, and my outlook on life is a heckuva lot better than it was eight months ago, six months ago and even four months ago. Good luck to you.

Watch the movie 'Antichrist'. You will feel better about your life.

I empathize with you. I coped initially by burying myself in work as I was afraid of what would happen if I had time to think. It bought me time until I felt I could confront reality. I did turn into a social recluse as I was too tired to do anything. Worked weekends as well. However, I resolved to stay away from the bottle, a promise I still keep. Now I realize that it was a terrible way to cope.

WhitePony, I wish you peace, friend. Keep us updated and don't go down the hole I did.

Knacker wrote:

Watch the movie 'Antichrist'. You will feel better about your life.

I don't feel bad about my life, quite the opposite in fact. I have lots of people around me that support and love me and I am in no way complaining. The thing is that you can have everything going for you but when someone very, very close to dies it leaves a hole in you and other things or people cannot fill. This is in no way a negative thing against my friends and family, it is just a fact.

For example, I was going through some of my mother's things and I found some quilts that my Grandma made, I know one of those quilts was made especially for me, but I don't know which one if mine and the only people that would know are all dead.

When my parents passed not only did I lose two of the most important people in my life, but I also lost knowledge and wisdom of things that only my parents would know.

I am immensely thankful for my parents and the time we had together on earth, but the bottom line is they are gone and I am sad about it.

You deserve and should take time to grieve, giving yourself the internal emotional approval to do so. If you are suffering from the loss of two fine people - your parents - no less - I get it - this means - like your parents - you are decent, sensitive and caring and of course you miss them.

But let me lay it on the line. I have parents who didn't give a hoot about me. They were both born to relative privilege and yet made lots of poor life decisions without any regard for me or my brother - whether it was gambling, substance abuse, physical abuse and beating,financial recklessness, infidelity, dishonesty, and in the case of my father, completely abandoning the family. One thing I know is that I was raised with serious flaws, and accordingly have watched people with sound values and principles like a hawk throughout my life, knowing that with me there are significant development and maturity gaps to fill. Even though I look today like I have filled those gaps, as I have been successful professionally and with my kids, I at times am faking it and doing the best I can. And believe me, I often ache for someone like you with two great parents. However, great people don't die - they live on and contribute in ways that you may not even comprehend - I would much rather be you with understandable grief than me with a legacy I constantly either try to run away from or fix. Look, I am no victim, the untold story behind all of this is I had tremendous freedom and independence was lucky to be able to use it somewhat wisely, but be honest, you have received a gift - grieve for your parents loss, but have enough humility to appreciate the gift, and more importantly, pay it forward.

Sorry to preach. But I have been on the other side of fence.

Thanks for your honestly.

Being a teacher and a coach this experience has given me a lot of empathy towards my kids. I work in a high poverty area with a lot of my kids parents working long hours or not even being in the same country due to immigration issues. I try very hard to be a positive light in their world. I am paying it forward the best way I know how, by caring about and being there for students and athletes.

lost my mom to cancer when I was 21. then dad moved out to another state and in a way, lost him too. my mom kinda tied the family together.

to be honest, I kinda lost my confidence for a few years. just didn't have the same spring in my step. it has taken 7 years but I finally feel like I am getting it back. and am kicking major ass.

How did I get through?

I joined lots of groups like:

Spanish group (I'm fluent in spanish and wanted to maintain my skill while living in the US)

Toastmasters - speaking group. I get to hone my public speaking skills and practice speaking effectively.

3D Animation - I picked up an artistic/creative hobby which I've been able to turn into a revenue-generating activity. I'm even at the point of securing clients to perhaps make the jump to working for myself.

People deal with death in different ways. Like I said, it took me a while. It didn't "hit" me until a few months after, so be prepared for that.

Sounds like you had a great relationship with your folks. Simply posting what you did is a tribute of sort to them. Continue to live your life in a way that honors them. You sound like a great son.

All the best man

Depends733 wrote:

If you need help get it. Psychology and antidepressants in the short-term can give you a boost. Good luck.

Sorry to disagree but stay away from anti-depressants. These are pretty well known to lead to suicidal thoughts (watch any ad on TV). After my brother's suicide, we found a number of prescriptions for anti-depressants in his room.

As others have said, please seek counseling and stay active, both mentally and physically. Share with your wife and listen to her advice. I'd recommend taking walks in the evening with your wife.

My dad was killed in a freak accident 13 years ago. Not a day goes by when I don't think of him. For me, the worst was the first six months--the first month or so was horrible, but there was a lot of support. After that, everyone had paid their respects-but I still had trouble moving on. Time will help with that. As hard as it is, try to remember the good times-and not dwell on the accident--easier said than done.

My son was 5 years old when it happened. As he has grown, I see a lot of my father in him-mannerisms, the tilt of his head, even the way he scowls at a bad joke. That has been a solace to me. My daughter, who was 3 at the time, said something to me the afternoon it happened, as I sat sobbing---"He will always be in your heart." And he is. And your Mom and Dad will always be in your heart.

Every once in a while-still all these years later- I have very vivid dreams with my dad in them. I don't know if they are memories manifesting themselves in a dream-that's what the scientist in me says-or something supernatural. But I can see how people can believe in ghosts... My ghost dreams are very positive, and I wake up with a smile.

WhitePony wrote:

Thanks for all the advice from everyone so far.

I understand what you mean when you say doing things connected to your father's memory. I recently moved my mother's piano into my house and learning to play it has brought me some peace because I know it is something that my mother enjoyed playing, the same can be said for working with my father's tools.

I feel like all things considered I am doing pretty well, but it does help to talk about it with other people that have been through similar situations.

Sincere condolences.

You might look for a grief recovery group.

There's also the John James Grief Recovery book, and workshop in Los Angeles. They kind of founded the field, if you will.

Recovery from these things is different for each person. Talking, running, journaling, going to a grief recovery group, all these things I found helpful.

It gets easier over time, but never completely goes away.

The best thing I found on my own was to take an inventory of all the positive traits and abilities I learned from each one. For instance, my dad like to cook Sunday meals, and that led to him working with philanthropic groups and auctioning off his chef skills for certain meals.

As the wise ones say, "time, it takes time."

You are fortunate you have a wife, and a dog, and a good career and life.

You might consider donating some time to a charity or something the both would have appreciated. Helping others...always makes one feel better.

Best of luck.

off base wrote:

Solution: Motorcycle

I think talking to a professional is probably the best thing if you are open to it. That doesn't help everyone though. If that doesn't work, go get your motorcycle license. I'm dead serious. The first year of having your license is all consuming and a great distraction. If you do, take a basic riders course.

Sorry for you loss.

This is actually very good advice. My dad died suddenly a few years ago. Was much harder to deal with than I imagined, and it just didn't seem like it would go away. During this time I went away on a 2 week motorcycle trip with a buddy - it really was the turning point. Getting away and having this life altering trip where every day was just amazing....long story short - motorcycle rides always made me feel better, that trip got me out of the funk I'd been in. I was happier after (and during) that trip than I'd been since before my dad died. Went from not feeling fully alive (in a funk) to feeling alive and happy again.

Okay.

Now the question becomes whether this fine outstanding citizen has a case against the gas company, for the their lack of maintaining the the gas lines, or the city because of their lack of enforcement for carbon detectors.

Traditionally, if you replace a gas heater/ wall or water heater/gas dependent

they law requires a carbon detector. A good thing.

Review you home insurance policy to see if it includes accidental deaths resulting from gasses.

In our case, my parents have lived in the same house since the early 70s and the way things were installed were up to code for the 70s (I assume) but not up to modern codes.

The water heater had an exhaust pipe that went into a crawl space, recently they had been having plumbing issues that had caused additional moisture in the crawl space and caused the tub to drip from the hot water which caused the hot water heater to continually run. The exhaust pipe in the crawl space was completely rusted through to the point that it was literally disintegrated. I am guessing that the pipe had been rusting for quite a while and the running hot water heater put the levels way over the top.

The police that originally went in the house had to go to the hospital to get checked out after only being in there about 10 minutes. 1-4ppm is the normal level on Carbon Monoxide in humans, my parents house had reading of 400ppm which is deadly after 3 hours of exposure.

Depending on your state and utility company.

The gas & electric (SDG&E) company will offer senior citizens/retirees replacement water heaters, gas/electric wall heaters and wall unit air conditioners if they fall under an income level. Their is no charge but the utility company has an inspector come out and examine the contractors work. It's a tedious process but worth it. If the contractor doesn't do it right it won't pass.

So if you have parents in homes older than 1970 you might want to consider calling the utility company.