My mom spent all my dad's money. Now wants me to take care of her.

Send her like $50/month. If she complains, stop sending even that much.

Wow thats nuts. Why does she feel so entitled to your money? Tell her she cannot afford to retire early. She needs to get her butt back to work and save for retirement.

If you make it easy for her to leech off of you, that is what she'll do. She clearly has a serious problem with money. The best you can do for her is get her some financial counseling, books, etc to help her learn some financial responsibility.

Whatever you do, (and it doesn't sound like you will) do NOT follow in her footsteps. Save early and save often for your future. At a minimum, you should be maxing out your retirement contributions and setting aside extra for bigger purchases (ex: house, child's college) before you even CONSIDER sending any money to your mom. Your mom is not your responsibility.

Since she goes to church, you need to get her to the nearest Dave Ramsey workshop. The guy can be a miracle worker when it comes to helping people get control of overspending. He holds seminars all over the country, I think.

I'd find the workshop, buy her a ticket even if it's in another city, give it to her, and give her an ultimatum to attend or you're out of the picture.

I know some money therapists, but you have to have money to work with them. I'm guessing your mom doesn't at this point. Dave Ramsey is your best choice.

Retirement is a scary thing. My wife and I are about to turn 50 and I am facing the fact that retirement may be a long, long way away. I had always just kind of assumed that things would work out and I would be able to retire when I was in my mid to late 50's. Now I am beginning to question my plan. I have put some money aside in my 401K, but how much is enough? I thing I will be able to pay off my house when I am around 57 but there are still going to be costs associated with my house (taxes, hoa, etc). This whole retirement world is going to be scary. I will have a small pension (assuming I am able to work until retirement eligible) of around 45,000-50-000. I don't want to keep working but I don't want to starve.

Hi, Flagpole!

Nope. My house is already paid off, and I do not view retirement as a long long way away. I also do not have a pension. Also, while I will have more than this in retirement, for ME, I could EASILY live on $50,000 a year in retirement. Just two people living in a paid for house with no debt? Easy to retire on that.

You don't solve a spending problem by throwing more money at it.

Flagpole wrote:

Sir Trollalot wrote:

Hi, Flagpole!

Nope. My house is already paid off, and I do not view retirement as a long long way away. I also do not have a pension. Also, while I will have more than this in retirement, for ME, I could EASILY live on $50,000 a year in retirement. Just two people living in a paid for house with no debt? Easy to retire on that.

You said in a post 14 years ago that you'd never post again. What gives?

With your support, her spending problems & financial situation will only grow worse, and it will only grow more difficult to "shut her off" later on. If her habits continue, she could financially ruin two people (including you) instead of just herself. It is not being disloyal to set appropriate boundaries.

I have been through a situation very similar to yours.

About 9 years ago my mom "retired" at age 62.

She lost her job due to taking lots of time off for personal reasons related to our family.

She hasn't worked since.

My parents divorced some time before that and they split money from selling their house plus there was other money involved including some alimony from my dad that stopped at retirement age.

She went though that money in a few years.

My mom now lives off of social security which is very small because she didn't work for most of the years that she raised me and my siblings.

She lived in an apartment but was evicted when she couldn't afford it.

Then she lived with different people for a bit. One crazy old man was nice to her then turned mean and threw her out.

She has stayed for very brief times with me or my brother.

She has even slept in her car and stayed in a shelter.

Some years ago she got into a subsidized apartment which takes nearly 100% of her social security check.

I have been giving her money on a regular basis for years to cover her other basic living expenses and enable her to stay there.

I know it's easy for anonymous people to chime in and say not to give her any money because she wasn't responsible with the money she had.

But when you see your mother sleep even one night in her car in the winter or stay in a homeless shelter it is very hard to take. Especially if you are doing well yourself.

I kept thinking, what if she dies in her car or that shelter. I can't have her go out like that.

So I empathize with your situation.

It isn't easy.

I'm not sure I can respond objectively because I don't have a particularly close relationship with my father. My mother died when I was 7 years old and, although my dad provided for my basic needs, he never really shelled out extra funds for me to play sports, take advantage of extra-curricular school activities or go to college. So...I would not be particularly inclined to offer him financial support if he spent as irresponsibly as your mother.

Looking ahead, I don't imagine that I'll ever be able to retire. At best, I'll clear my debt and be able to live on my meager retirement savings, Social Security (maybe) and a part-time job. In any case, I sure as hell won't be hitting up my kids for financial support.

She didn't spend your dad's money. She spent her money.

That being said, start with if she wants money, you get to review and approve the budget.I would also mention that you aren't paying a penny till full retirement age (66 or 67). The SS benefits of weighting are huge and you know if she retires early she is taking money early.

Don't be an enabler. But don't punish your mother. Take the high road. All parents are flawed characters. Unless they were outright abusive, you need to do your best to have a positive relationship with your parents as they age. It is not easy, but wiping your but every day for three years wasn't easy either.

Do everything you can to try to keep her from retiring at 62. Her SS benefits will be lousy compared to retiring just a few years later. it will also keep her out of the house and active, which will help with a lot of issues.

Do NOT give her cash that she can spend as she pleases. Directly pay some bills if she needs help and make her keep a budget to pay for the rest of her expenses. If there is an unexpected expense (car repairs, root canal, etc.), pay it directly.

Don't give her anything until retirement age 67. She is very entitled and thinks she can get money from others to fund her lifestyle. She does not deserve anything. Perhaps after retirement age you can take her out for groceries every two weeks and pay the bill yourself at the store. Don't give her any money into her hands though. Talk with her and address her financial problems and bad attitude with being entitled to others money.

another runner wrote:

Wow thats nuts. Why does she feel so entitled to your money? Tell her she cannot afford to retire early.

Because she's nuts.

OP, tell her you'll pay for psychiatry/therapy, that's all. You need to limit your interactions with her.

pop_pop!_v2.2.1 wrote:

another runner wrote:

Wow thats nuts. Why does she feel so entitled to your money? Tell her she cannot afford to retire early.

Because she's nuts.

OP, tell her you'll pay for psychiatry/therapy, that's all. You need to limit your interactions with her.

So I told the story slightly differently to get better input from people, but the truth is, my mom ALREADY retired this year at age 62. She has been verbally and emotionally abusive to me my whole life while also being kind and loving at times as well. She has always gotten mad at me any time I had a girlfriend and got really mad at me last year when I told her I'd been dating a girl I think I could possibly marry one day and told me I could never get married because I needed to take care of her the rest of my life. I completely cut her out of my life a few months after that and have had no communication with her other than a mother's day card.

To add further details, she bought a brand new 2015 Honda Accord last year fully expecting me to help pay for it after she retired. She had a job that paid more than mine.

Honestly, I think that anyone who is in their 50s or 60s and is intentionally relying on their 20-something child to take care of them financially is utter scum, wholly despicable and thoughtless. Cutting her out of my life was a difficult and painful decision to make, but my life has been so much better, and I have no regret.

I can bs. Everyone here makes 400k and runs a 14 min 5k. Surely you can spare 50k for your own mom.

Seriously though, my mother in law is identical. Classic baby boomer failure. my mother in law was too busy spending her divorce money on elective surgeries and trips to help her "awaken her soul". She showed up at our doorstep begging for help and my wife sent her packing to the little sisters. We have young 3 kids and we sure didn't need a leech around.

Ditch the b

So?

Tell her to sign up for Chaturbate or similar, send her $25 for her birthday and a card for New Year's, you owe her nothing.