Life after divorce

Ask stick with eharmony how to enjoy life after getting dumped. Ask jamin how to keep woman far away from you using "pure" attitude.

💔💔 wrote:

What does it feel like? B/c right now it totally sucks...just saying.

Thread restored. I clicked on this thread figuring it had to be a good one since I'm the only person at LRC who has been divorced, and I didn't put it on the homepage.

Instead it had 2 posts and was deleted.

I'm restoring it.

Spend at least a full year with no romantic involvement with women. Learn how to be yourself again. Pick up something seriously or return to something seriously that you used to do (sailing, hiking, biking, chess, saxophone...). Focus on your career. Get/stay fit.

In a year you can re-enter the dating scene - MUCH better prepared and with MUCH better outcomes than if you try it too early.

Your welcome.

People think you always have to feel good, that's just not true. You'll be happier overall if you accept that some things feel bad and they are suppose to feel bad. Divorce, even when it's the right thing to do, is still a loss. Accept that you'll feel like crap for ahwile, but it gets better. Run more. Running helps.

When I first got divorced I was pretty lost. I kept reading and getting advice about what I should be doing and not doing.

Finally sank in that for the first time in decades I could do whatever I actually wanted to do, even the weeks I have my kids. Once I understood that I get to run my life the way I want to, I seemed to find lots of things I wanted to do.

There is a lot of good in knowing that a certain control freak has no say.

I'd recommend seeing a therapist, if you can afford one. You're going through a pretty huge adjustment in life, and it was worth the money to me to have some unattached person that I could be totally honest with. Even my best friends, I had trouble being totally honest with. But the therapist was just there to receive my sh!t, and he ended up being a good therapist and pointed out things that helped me understand and cope along the way.

I know there's a stigma against seeing therapists, but I'm a believer now.

That being said, hang in there. I've had a lot of friends that have gone through it, and it's really tough, for a lot of reasons. But a lot of them end up happier in the end.

The Yearling wrote:

Spend at least a full year with no romantic involvement with women.Learn how to be yourself again. Pick up something seriously or return to something seriously that you used to do (sailing, hiking, biking, chess, saxophone...). Focus on your career. Get/stay fit.

In a year you can re-enter the dating scene - MUCH better prepared and with MUCH better outcomes than if you try it too early.

Your welcome.

Not into women...😳 thanks for the advice. Definitely feels like a loss/death but have to see the ex @ work sometimes which doesn't help.

It's ok to feel bad wrote:

People think you always have to feel good, that's just not true. You'll be happier overall if you accept that some things feel bad and they are suppose to feel bad. Divorce, even when it's the right thing to do, is still a loss. Accept that you'll feel like crap for ahwile, but it gets better. Run more. Running helps.

Good advice....

I got divorced before I hit my 30th birthday, with two kids. Totally better off, since she liked to hit. Once I accepted that life was never going to be the same and focused on being a good dad, got pulled out of a depression afterwards. Divorce sucks, which is why you should never be afraid to break something off no matter how far along a relationship is. Now with a girl who seems to be pretty cool, granted I've only dated her for several months. Took a year plus off from dating, that was definitely the right call. Good luck man

💔💔 wrote:

What does it feel like? B/c right now it totally sucks...just saying.

Part of what you're going through is the breaking down of your old paradigm of thinking. When you finally let go of it and realize that the world isn't ending after all, you'll do better mentally. Think about it... There is no good news and there is no bad news... There is only news. The only reason it's good or bad is because of what it means to you. Once you can see the world with the new information, you'll see that it's ok. In essence, your paradigm is changed. But, it's likely you'll have to go through the process first. Get angry and let it go. Tomorrow is a new day created by God and you have a special place in it. Don't be surprised if it takes 6months to a year to stop reeling. But you will break through and move on.

Sorry... But you'll do just fine in the end. Cheers!!

Have patience my friend. Divorce is harder on men then women. Women after a divorce, well they just return to their old girl friends, family support systems and generally sappy lives they were leading before marriage. One might even wonder why some women even marry at all, other than to dress up and have a big party at the reception with their girll friends. Seems at times that they could care less. For guys it is different, we are inherently loners, emotionally isolated or bottled up. In competition or at odds with other males in society, for the most part men can not depend on other men for support in the way women can after a divorce. Add to this that most men have never learned to live on their own without a mom or maybe a sister or two to look after them: cooking, washing, cleaning, setting doctor appts. etc., there is a big physical/emotional energy drain on a man compared to woman after divorce. For so many guys a divorce is as if they were a boy again and having their mom die. So were can you turn? Ans: yourself It comes down to this, you have to look at your divorce as a growth opportunity, a chance to move far out of your comfort zone and learn to live on your own, facing down all the challenges day to day life presents where there is no one there to help out or pick up after you. You have to focus and work on yourself now, always looking to improve as much as you can in every aspect of your life. All this is hard as hell at first, but have faith, like learning anything new it becomes easier with time when you persist. And looking to the future and should you care ( and I assume you care) you will stand out and be in so much better position when you choose to date again. In fact, damn women, they have a sixth sense, you will not have to find them, trust me they will find you.

I rejoice in the fact that I am not you.

You can kid yourself but ultimatetly have to go through the pain

Take up new hobbies or get back into running if you have lapsed. Keep busy

I don't go with the no dating thing as long as you keep it light and don't go for the rebound

You go through different phases and need a t least a year to get back to normal. Longer if kids involved or long marraige

A friend of mine told me he went through different phases - depression, anger, boozing dating other women. after a year he sat down with a takeaway on his own to watch the football and realised he was happy again. Later he met another woman and now has been happy with her for 20 years

I liked this advice. You determine how you react to something. At the same time, realize it is natural to be sad, to be down, to have some crappy days. Don't let those hold you down even more.

Try and use this as an opportunity for growth. Sounds like it is hitting you pretty hard, but once you realize this terrible thing you did not want to happen happened and you're allright you can be a much stronger person. Other stuff in life becomes a lot less scary once you've experienced one of your biggest fears. Stuff that used to bug you can become more trivial.

You're still got a great life to live. Life is a blessing, take advantage of it. If you don't know what to do, do what you do when you run, put one foot in front of the other and focus on today.

You can not undo the past so attaching emotions to it is going to hold you back.

If working with your ex is a problem, consider getting a new job. Don't get angry that you're getting a new job and can't cope with seeing her every once in a while. Set the boundary you need to live your life.

I recommend a good therapist. You can't open up as much with your friends and 3 months, 6 months, a year later they'll think everything is great for you and have forgotten about your divorce. You get to go out and hit on all the women they can't so everything must be roses is how they see it.

Good luck! Not to minimize divorce or what your marriage meant to you but realize millions of people go through them. You decide how you'll deal with this. You're not a victim, take control of your future.

Getting divorced sucks. Being divorced is great.

There is a lot of loss. A lot of good advice here. Seeing a therapist is a good idea. Contentiously working on building a good support system is good. Taking up some new hobbies is good.

Once you can get over the sense of loss and start to rebuild, everything gets better. Being able to be in charge of your own money and time and being able to make your own decisions without consulting with anybody else is great. Not dreading your spouse arriving home from work, because you know she is going to be in a bad mood is great. No longer being hit when she is in a really bad mood is great. No longer being lonely while your supposed life partner ignore you is great. Being able to go out with other women is great.

Seeing a therapist is the best money I ever spent.

Really helps to expose the family pattern defaults that undermine and destroy an intimate relationship.

I remember my therapist telling me that if you can't be OK being alone then you can't be OK with someone else.

Running a lot and hard helped with getting sleep.

Q: Why is divorce so expensive?

A: Because it's worth it!

Hang in there, better days are coming!

Thanks. I think b/c it's just all fresh & new right now, I do have good and bad days. Once I get on my feet i.e. move out of the shared home and get into a new place that will help a lot. I'm also trying to get my son graduated next week and that in itself has different emotions I'm dealing with. I've also been talking to a financial counselor to get ideas to manage some things. There are actual financial people who specifically deal w/divorce cases which I didn't know.

As for changing jobs, I will probably look for another one down the road when I have my life in somewhat in a better place. Right now, the people I work w/have been extremely supportive and even offered a full time position. Good thing w/my profession , I'm in demand.

As for dating or have interest in others, I'm ok being by myself for awhile. I doubt I will ever marry again but I'm confident I will find someone in the future.

Thanks to others on here as well for being so supportive. I admit I got a little teary eyed reading the comments, not used to that on here...😊

Getting divorced was the best decision I ever made. Unfortunately, all it did was correct the worst decision I ever made. As for life after? It's OK.