I am completely different from everyone else in my family.

Basically you are an outlier, if you aren't actually adopted. Just break away from them. Keep in mind however that any kids you have will likely end up like the family norm. Pick a good woman and hope for the best.

Ok caveat, I completely misread you as a troll so maybe my take on this situation can rightfully be called into question. But here is my read:

Honestly you write well, with detail and seem to be pretty earnest in your descriptions. But your entire post is dripping with disdain for your family without an ounce of empathy for this likely dysfunctional group. You realized this and seemed a bit surprised but your lack feeling. That comment suggests ambivalence regarding your apparent numbness. You are not happy with this resolution.

I think your family is very aware that you look down on them and their lives. That's why they ignore your stories which in their eyes may consist of you explaining how much better you are.

These people are your roots. These are the people you came from and in some way they helped you become who you are. Yes they are part of your history ashamed as you may be about that.

Yes they are flawed but stop judging them. During your brief and few visits try to connect and maybe even help them to feel good about themselves and what they can do. I'm not asking you to devote your life helping them but bring something to them with your visits other than disdain.

Maybe you were born with abilities they don't have. Drop your anger toward them. They are not the family that you think that you should have. But they are your family, part of who you are, and you can not change that. Just accept it. Just because they are "losers" doesn't mean you have to refuse to see any good in them.

Call a gin wrote:

Basically you are an outlier, if you aren't actually adopted. Just break away from them. Keep in mind however that any kids you have will likely end up like the family norm. Pick a good woman and hope for the best.

I am an alien compared to my family too. My n=1 experience is that the kids will not mean revert.

[quote]Baby Cakes wrote:

I am hoping that you're not a troll. If you are, I guess that I am wasting my time. First of all, you need to spend time with your family. Your parents raised you and obviously did something right.

🙄

I appreciate your thoughts but can only say you do not understand what it's like to have utterly toxic and somewhat disturbed individuals as family. There is no "connecting." There's nothing to connect to. Try to connect with a rabid pitbull and see how well it goes. You, like the other poster, have apparently been quite sheltered in life. Be grateful for that.

FWIW, I find it ironic that you tell me I shouldn't judge them despite knowing them and the situation my entire life, yet you judge me based on a few incomplete internet posts. Perhaps your perspective is a bit more limited than mine?

Thanks for the input regardless.

I also want to say that while my parents did raise me, I am where I am today because I never listened to anything they said and forged my own path. If I had listened to them I would have never accomplished anything. This goes for sports, academics, my career, romantic life, and personal life. I am not exaggerating.

Turn your back on your family, and have no contact with them. They only will use you for money in the future. Cut that dead weight aside and soar even higher!

My perspective definitely could be more limited than yours. But sometimes one can be so close to a situation that strong emotions and feelings can cause them to lose objectivity.

I am sorry for you that your family is so toxic. I do have a hard time believing that there is no good in each person in your entire family.

You are right that I do not know your situation, but you seem to sweep each individual with the same broad brush of being toxic. My advice is to reassess this. Is there good in any.

You can find good in everyone if you're a forgiving type of person but doesn't mean you have to accept their toxic behavior.

Don't keep saying, this is not what I wanted to hear, you don't understand, etc. You are still very young. Accept that it can take a long time to recover from a dysfunctional background. It can take longer to mature than others since you are starting 10 yards back. Recognize this, keep the distance you need to rebuild, be humble and try to remain courteous and on the up-and-up, and then someday you will be able to return to them w genuine empathy free of holier-than-thou overtones. A lot of the static you are experiencing from them originates in you.

next generation wrote:

Don't keep saying, this is not what I wanted to hear, you don't understand, etc. You are still very young. Accept that it can take a long time to recover from a dysfunctional background. It can take longer to mature than others since you are starting 10 yards back. Recognize this, keep the distance you need to rebuild, be humble and try to remain courteous and on the up-and-up, and then someday you will be able to return to them w genuine empathy free of holier-than-thou overtones. A lot of the static you are experiencing from them originates in you.

White Sheep that was good advice. Now many people become estranged from their families for a variety of reasons. Its OK if you choose to go that way. In many cases its just easier to do that. You saw them twice in two years so you are well on your way. Its not uncommon.

My point basically is that this is a relationship issue with both parties having a role. So even though your family is dysfunctional you have a role in the poor interaction too although you seem not to want to address your part. This is your blind spot.

Let's break down the main complaints about your family. Your brother and sister are unemployed and your brother is an alcoholic. Your mom has a hard time holding a minimum wage job (but seems to try). Your mom and sister are fat. Your dad is successful in his job but just works and watches Fox TV. He is not knowledgeable about entertainment or medicine and stuff.

They are not interested the things you have done. You are successful and they are losers. You can not talk or relate to them. (Just as an aside, lack of worldliness or intelligence should never be a reason for a smart person not to be able to communicate with someone) This is basically right? You feel they are very toxic to you?

You didn't actually ask for advice you asked for reasons why you turned out so much better then them (hence the white sheep handle). IDK. People are born with different traits.

My advice that maybe you can accept. Keep your distance as you have been doing. A few home visits a years, calls home to check on everyone and be as kind to them during your limited visits and, this is the important part, DO NOT BURN ANY BRIDGES WITH YOUR FAMILY.

Things do change with time. Good luck, hope you do well.

I dont think that he is trolling because this is more common than you would think. Although, I've been to quite a few less countries and I am not getting my PHD, I am still much different than my entire family. Every single person in my family has a "poor me" attitude. They wake up and literally think ..how is the world going to screw me over today..? I can be talking to a friend about literally anything...and my mom or brother will walk up to me and say....were you guys talking about me? They think everyone owes them something. They smoke about 3487 cigs a day and are never wrong. They have no friends anymore as no one wants to be around them. Im nothing special...i still run , lift , have friends, do fun shit...but in my family,,,its night and day compared to them....you guys can keep saying he should try to go around his family more...but you have no idea what it is like to NOT want to even be around your family at all...as soon as they open their mouth you just cringe with pent up anger of just the way they embarrass themselves and put the blame all on you because you are normal.....i feel ya man

Again, your posts make it clear you cannot even comprehend what families like mine are like. You have never had any significant exposure to people like my siblings or likely even my parents. I don't mean to be rude and dismiss your thoughts, but it's like someone who's never had any exposure to drugs trying to rehabilitate a life-long addict.

I really don't think it's vain or arrogant to think I'm better than them considering what I wrote: alcoholics, in and out of jail, obese, can't hold down a minimum wage job, victim mentality, lazy and apathetic, no desire to ever experience anything outside their small town, etc. Being "better" was not my point. I live my life how I do simply because this is how I want to live, not to be "better" than other people.

Also, I never said there isn't anything good about any of them. I said that they are toxic and worsen the life of anyone who gets near them, even if that person is only near them for a few minutes.

I would suggest broadening your life experience by spending significant time with mentally ill people, homeless people, and/or habitual criminals. It's clear you have not had that exposure.

To the original poster - I am not sure it makes sense to make such a big deal out of the differences between you and your family. You are successful and motivated because for whatever reason you grasp and understand notions of deferred gratification, discipline, risk, and reward. Likely running has helped. This is of course a good thing, and you should credit yourself for these attributes, if only to remind yourself to retain lots of humility and continue to apply them everyday. You didn't choose your family, but you chose your path in life, and no matter how dysfunctional your family members may be, it doesn't matter to the choices you have made (and will continue to make).

I have had similar experiences with my family. And I agree with you that the running and track world can give you some good advice. Almost 40 years ago I ran at the Golden West Invitational, and a coach of a very well known athlete and rival was a priest. He knew of my situation (and that of my brother), and said, look, your goal is to make your own family. And he didn't mean to go off and get married and start a family, although certainly in time that could be part of what he contemplated. What he meant was to create your own circle of relationships, surrounded by people with strong character and honesty. Maybe it was corny advice, and indeed I was young and impressionable (and not religious by the way). But what he said made sense, all the more so given that he was sincere, and it has worked out for me in a way I could not have ever imagined. I repeat his advice virtually every day. Just look forward, and make good choices with the people with whom you relate (and that applies to professional and career choices too). Unburden yourself from your family, and approach them with humility, empathy, but caution, particularly if they are toxic.

You should stop pointing out your differences and start finding things in common.

This is your Mother, Father and siblings. You only have one family.

This will be a huge regret in your life if you don't get over your self and find ways to enjoy them.

If you're unable to interact with people that are different than you (your family in the least), you will leave a very unhappy life.

I never said you were vain or arrogant. I did say that you have a blind spot and that is your role in your poor relationship with your family. (I know that is an area that you clearly don't want to talk about and right now you are saying to yourself, "You just don't get it my family is really bad and you have no idea how toxic they are to me".

I know you would prefer people to write and say that your family is a bunch of dirt bags and you should stay far away from them. (This advice you would like)

I have a question that if you answer it will highlight your role in this toxic family relationship: "Do you value or care about the opinions of any member of your family"

I am guessing we both know the answer.

My advice is to distance yourself from them but not severe all bonds. I don't think that is un reasonable.

I am sorry to get on your nerves, but I got interested in your situation.

"I appreciate you trying to help, but you have absolutely zero understanding of how bad things are. Be thankful you've lived such a sheltered life."

Being a little dramatic here. You're doing fine, but you feel different and isolated from your family. But things are really bad, huh?

Trust me, I've met bad. You don't know bad.

1) your situation is not that different from many others

2) you are probably not as different as you'd like to think.

You took a different path at some point. That path was good for you and it has changed your perception of life. You siblings took a different path. One that was not so good. They've reached different conclusions than you and now have different attitudes and outlooks.

If I had to guess, I'd say that you and your dad are much more alike than you know. He's checked out. Probably checked out a long time ago. Maybe he engages at work. Maybe he engages internally with Fox news or some other outside source, but he's checked out of the family.

You are planing on checking out of the family as well. That's something that a little similar.

You may have different views than your dad. You may think about life and the world differently. That does not mean you are not alike. Your life experiences are different, so you've reached different places, but the way you process things is probably pretty similar.

Look, it is what it is. You can't change them. You can either accept them and not let them bother you, or you can move on. You're brother curses and yells. So what. That's him. It bothers you? That's you. Learn to not let it bother you.

You are making it bad. Not them. You own your own reaction.

If you want to stay in the game, then I'd suggest two things: focus on finding a few areas of common ground (everyone one has some common ground - be it food, old TV shows, sports, shared past, or just having lived in the same house), and try to understand their point of view. Don't push your views. Instead, really, really try to understand theirs. Ask questions more. Talk about yourself less.

"I really don't think it's vain or arrogant to think I'm better than them considering what I wrote: alcoholics, in and out of jail, obese, can't hold down a minimum wage job, victim mentality, lazy and apathetic, no desire to ever experience anything outside their small town, etc."

Again, you are being pretty dramatic. This does not sound all that bad.

Do you worry sleeping in the house thinking they might kill or rape you? Do you worry about letting them know where you live because they'll rob you? Do you have to worry about being beaten if you even look at them? Do you have burn marks on your skin where they held you down and put out their cigarette on you?

Obese? Yea, that's a huge problem. How can you life knowing your mother and sister are obese? My god, the shame.

Apathetic? No, no. That horror, the horror.

No desire to experience anything outside their small town? Call the sheriff. He's put them away for life.

Come on.

Sure, they sound pathetic. There's a lot of pathetic people in the world. You could have easily been pathetic if you'd found the wrong friend at the wrong time in your life. Or made that one bad decision.

You'd didn't (so far). Good for you. Learn to accept your family or move on. Stop being so whiny about it.

You are not alone. The situation sucks but can be likened to running with the two options you have in front of you.

Option 1: the gut it out approach...carry on as you have been seeing your family infrequently. Try to love the small parts of them that you can. As another poster said, they can't be totally worthless as they did produce you and you sound like you have a head on your shoulders.

Option 2: call it a day... disassociate from them completely. Maybe a once a year check-in just so they know you are alive. Fill the void with others in your life that can become like family.

Both options are painful but you decide how much it will hurt.