Ballad of a Boston Bandit
A-, D-, E, A-
He decided that just running wasn’t enough
He had to do Boston but found qualifying too tough
So he came up with a crude scheme
That would allow him to realize his dream.
All he had to do was find him a race
That had timing mats in only one place
Cross the start and have the timer begin
Disappear then finish, no one’d know where you’d been.
But he made some mistakes in executing his plan
Which showed it wasn’t a marathon he ran.
First he had a race history from which one could tell
That his time was bogus, he could never run that well.
Perhaps excitement made him lose his head
But when he “finishedâ€, 3:11 the clock said.
Now none of this would have ever been known
Had he not done something that meant his cover was blown.
CHORUS: G, C, D, G, G, C, D, G
“I did it I did it
“You’re just jealous of me
“Cause when I was young I was on the TV
“I did it I did it
“I don’t need to show proof
“You have to believe me, I’m telling the truth.â€
His kids’ principal wrote a note saying he had done wrong
When he pulled them from school to take them along
To make his Boston adventure a family affair
He should have left them in school and not taken them there.
Now this was too much for our hero to take
He’d tell Madam Principal that she’d made a mistake
He wrote her a letter telling her so
How could she think she was in a position to know?
“What’s best for my kids, I will decide
“I went to Boston and they came along for the rideâ€
He sent his letter but wanted to do more
So he posted it on Facebook to even the score.
Somehow it went viral and word got around
About the marathoning father who had stood his ground
“I took my kids to Boston to watch my great run
“And they learned a lot, that’s what I have done.â€.
And so he was interviewed all over the place
Never failing to mention his glorious race
This sounded suspicious to someone he knew
Who said there’s no way he got a BQ.
And who looked at the race where it was supposedly done
For proof that the course had really been run
Like Holmes or Miss Marple no photo was found
This was the key, like the non-barking hound.
For course-photos were taken of all in the race
Of young and of old, of whatever pace
Except for our hero, who never is seen
At the start and the finish but none in between.
“I did it I did it
“You’re just jealous of me
“Cause when I was young I was on the TV
“I did it I did it
“I don’t need to show proof
“You have to believe me, I’m telling the truth.â€
After his brief, 15 minutes of fame
He found himself in the runners’ hall of shame
He said “I did it, twenty-six miles and some
“If you don’t believe me you’re just a bumâ€.
“Or one of twelve gnomes who sit in the basement all dayâ€
But no one listened to a word that he’d say
He to have proof, which he would show
If he were DQed, he’d let everyone know.
"I have friends who’ll vouch for my training runsâ€
When a call went for them, the response came from none
So folks went to the RD where they could complain
“I don’t think he ran it, and let me explain.
“There’s no way he could run that fast, and no photo proofâ€
But it apparently was not an effort to get to the truth
He told her he ran it, proving a negative was elusive
The result stood, they said things weren’t “conclusiveâ€
“I wasn’t DQed, and they vindicated meâ€
And he wore Boston logos for everyone to see
But runners aren’t fools, and everyone knew
That he was not cleared when there was no DQ.
“I did it I did it
“You’re just jealous of me
“Cause when I was young I was on the TV
“I did it I did it
“I don’t need to show proof
“You have to believe me, I’m telling the truth.â€
The Brojos decided to settle it once and for all
So they offered rewards, one large, some small
"Run 3:11 again, we’ll give you 100K
"Or 10 for a time you should be able to do any day.
"If, that is, your BQ was legit
"You can do sub-20 without sweating a bit
"So those are the carrots, a get-out-of-jail card
"And if what you say is true, it wouldn’t be hard."
He took the bait, and Twittered big talk
“I’ll take your money, and I might even walkâ€
He bragged of workouts that didn’t make sense
By then there no one would come to his defense.
He entered a race for a sub-20 5K
After the race, he Twittered that “looks like my big dayâ€
When the times came, he wasn’t even close
He deleted his tweets and became more morose.
Did he really run it? There was much reason to doubt
It didn’t much matter, his time left him out
He began threatening people, nearly out of control
Convinced anyone who criticized was simply a troll.
It became like a car crash, you couldn’t look away
And it kept going, til this very day.
It might well have ended if he’d simply come clean
Instead he insisted and then he turned mean.
The saddest part was that he never understood
That it isn’t your time that makes you feel good
It is the effort and the joy it brings on
And not how much Boston gear you can don.
That his family would love him the same
If he never ran Boston, and few knew his name
Runners don’t care about time, except for their own
But lie about yours, you’ll be running alone.
“I did it I did it
“You’re just jealous of me
“Cause when I was young I was on the TV
“I did it I did it
“I don’t need to show proof
“You have to believe me, I’m telling the truth
“I did it I did it
“I ran all the way
“And that’s what I’ll say till my dying day.
“I did it I did it
“I don’t need to show proof
“You have to believe me, I’m telling the truthâ€