I Like Monkeys
The pet store was selling them for five cents a pieace. I thought this
was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a
gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of drive. His
name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright.
They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in
the genitals.
I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high
speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost
its novelty halfway into it's third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they
all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda
like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. God damn cheap
monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my
room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I
had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work.
It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine
dead, dry monkeys.
I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for
awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real
bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't want to
call a plumber. I was too embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortuantely
there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30
seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go bad.
I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I
had
to extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in
my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on
my bed, The odor wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I
really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the
monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not
allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He
couldn't take it either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My
friends didn't quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but
I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.