Darkness 11111 wrote:
What makes a grown man want to cry?
What makes him want to take his life?
My relationship with a borderliner was not easy. There has been extreme highs and extreme lows, there is nothing in between ... no gray, only black or white.
Last week she broke up with me for good. She has already split 7x, but she always came back to me. A few days after the final split # 8, she had instantly logged on to Tinder, as my friend informed me after stumbling on her profile, with pictures of herself that I tooked on that day, (the irony) she was already looking for her next victim, as if I had never existed. We were together for 18 months and she left me with the most intense pain I've ever felt.
Now I am here completely confused, lost, depressed, suicidal, addicted, disturbed, sleep-disordered, inexplicable anxiety disorder, can't eat and unable to work until further notice. Its like she took me out to a lake in the middle of the night on a boat and abandoned me and set the boat on fire.
She sucked my soul out of me with pleasure, when I trusted her and took off my protective shield.
"Steady dripping water eventually erodes the hardest rock."
A month ago she started with therapy and my doctor has now transferred me into a closed psychiatry clinic. I never suffered from mentally instabilities before.
When she finally left me, I tried desperately to come back with her with the sole intention of working on our issues in a positive direction, but she was ice cold. I did not recognize her anymore, that coldness in her voice! She is like a 5-year-old child in a adult body who can not feel empathy for others in defiance mode and only thinks about herself and own needs. I will never be able to meet this woman again. She has already "Devaluated" me and is in the destruction phase. My "identity" in her that have made up a large part of her 'own' identity is gone forever. She will take the identity from her new partner onto herself.
Should I ever meet her again, she will then be a completely different person. From the blink of a second, her soul / character that I knew and loved is lost forever. It's so scary when I think about it, that I'm going insane.
I have not been the same since then. I loved this woman so much, I would have done anything to help her, to help us, but she is mentally ill and never gave me a chance again.
The reason I have trouble getting over her, is that she loved me so intense, but it was not her true feelings, it was a reflection of the ideal partner that I craved for. My infinite yearning for deep love.
They are true masters in analyzing people and finding their needs and desires, just to reflect these qualities onto themselves. She has been practicing these techniques since childhood to archive her needs.
She has changed her entire life, became vegan, yoga, spiritual, meditation, deep conversations, no parties and hard drugs anymore, she's really blossomed to such a positive personality. We had so many plans.
It was just a illusion...As soon as this mask falls off, her true face appears, she is: cold, empty and emotionless. (Pysopath) She deserves an Oscar, she was the perfect actress and I believed her lies that she was happy, that she loved me and she felt loved by me, but in reality she was dissatisfied, desperate, lost and fearful. I never did her wrong and loved her so much and respected her.
We both talked about everything but she never told me what's really going on in her dark soul. A closer look at her sketches reveals a glimpse into her soul. But I can't upload pictures on this forum
Instead, she immediately started dating a new Man, although she always had such high morals and said, "if we ever separated that she will need much time to get over me and would rather be alone and work out her problems first, before entering a new relationship".
But, she can not handle herself and what goes through her mind and the pain she caused, so she simply moves on to the next "best." Only then, she receives social recognition from others, that she is "loveable" and "normal" when someone immediately falls for her illness....and of course she wants to distract herself with sex, one of her main superpowers. She's ashamed of what she did to me and that's why she has blocked me everywhere, so she cannot be confronted with the reality.
She always had "the grass is greener thinking". If she finds someone who truly loves her and grants her security, she will find reasons to withdraw and destroy the harmony. She blames me for everything. AND TAKES ZERO SELF-RESPONSIBILITY. When she finally broke up, she made sure that I will suffer.
She has this unlimited internal memory and saves all negative events from day one (date, time, place), don't matter how insignificant it might seem. This memory can be uploaded immediately in conflict situations as accusations, even if it has nothing to do with the matter ... positive memories are suppressed or deleted. Now that she's in the "Devaluation" phase, she uses these negative memories against me to paint me completely black. There's no grey in her world only black or white. An emotional memory loss occurs, and she is unable to link positive shared memories with emotions.
Suddenly I'm the worst person in the universe for her, therefore she does not want any contact whatsoever.
It's so damm scary. As if she died and resurrected as Satan.
All she does is take take and not give. She never truly loved me, she just likes the idea of being loved. She seeks relationships for her own motives and intentions and not for the person themself. As soon as she believes that she has gained all my resources; she was faster than a fox out the door. It is not true love.
All these dark manipulative and destructive actions seem to satisfy her appetite for control through humiliation during the "Devaluation" period and destruction phase. Her quest for humiliation against me is likely a reflection from what she has experienced in her original abuse. She told me so much about the humiliation and physical abuse from her brother and his friends, the sexual abuse from her uncle. She never met her father because he died young from cancer and was a alcoholic. Her mother was coldhearted never capable of hugging her and telling her that she loved her and only focused on her job or her brother. She was also in toxic relationships.
In her untreated illness and her disturbed condition, she repeats and repeats this cycle with each partner. It is a very sad story, but her potential for the extreme destruction of her partners is overwhelming.
Now to the final showdown and she is already focused on her next destruction goal towards me, after any kind of pursuit of explanation and sensitive peaceful conclusion on my part, at least to get my personal belongings back including jewelry that belonged to my mother who passed away from cancer, she quickly reported as a charge of stalking and mobbing... and a criminal complaint followed with a home visit from the police banging at my door at 9pm to inform me to stay away from her. In my depressive state of mind, I was consuming weed which the police took note of and immediately got a house warrant to search my entire apartment and I was brutally arrested with several head injuries and taken away in handcuffs in front of my neighbors and spent the night in jail. Now I have a criminal record and lost my driver's license wich will cost me thousands. Including the charges she pressed against me and upcoming court cases.
A borderline sick person will never think about others, or if you are desperate to commit suicide. I begged her to talk to me on the phone just for 5 minutes, when I was desperately close to the edge. There it was again this "ice cold" voice that answered and replied with "no" and hung up immediately.
They just don't feel empathy , and they never will. The only thing they see is their own problems and needs.
The neverending stress of emotional / psychological warfare, the constant breakup and merging together, have a great more negative impact on the human condition than on physical abuse, and some men develop serious illnesses during their time in these relationships, as I have learned. It's hard to understand why I decided to love a broken person who makes me feel so stressed. Probably because the symptoms become noticeable later in the relationship. I do not want to believe that something is wrong with her because it raises questions about me and my own mental situation!
She will simply project her own shame and symptoms on me. I'm going to struggle with it because my natural impulse is to throw these behaviors back on her in a somewhat desperate attempt to defend myself. I am shocked that she is projecting this onto me - when it's really herself! Regardless of what I tell her, her cognitive distortions will not disappear - and I'll only help her, make me feel more insane - with every contact! I am experiencing being frustrated more than ever, and I don’t like being like that. I am not that.
They are so easily hurt emotionally and hypersensitive to everything.
But why do I still want her back... WHY?!!!
Because of the constant emotional abuse, she has crept into my brain. All the damn games and lies she taught me to believe that no one would be more worthy of me than herself. Then, of course, there's this extreme "chemistry" and incredible intimacy that makes me want more. She has awakened my protector and helper instinct. And because the attraction keeps me attached to her despite the chaos, insecurity, and craziness that comes with it. ....Besides all that, she's so Beautiful in my eyes, a perfect 10.
She gives me a feeling of extreme love, affection, attachment, soulmates, unbelievable intimacy. She tells me she never meet someone like me before and that we belonged together, that our souls knew each other from previous lives...which is followed by abandonment and hatred!!! It can become more addictive than heroin! I can not bear the feeling of leaving, because it makes me feel guilty. She needs help urgently !! She will only harm herself more, by immediately entering into a new relationship.
"The Borderliner resembles a tornado that moves through your world leaving only destruction and chaos."
In the end they are sad people "A bottomless pit" Abused children in a adult body and desperately in need for empathy, fixed boundaries and clear rules ... a person who is willing to invest all his energy in the partner and puts himself completely in the background ...someone who is constantly in standby mode to be abandoned for the slightest reasons.
Or maybe a narcissist / sociopath mix who has no empathy and helper syndrome qualities?!
For me, it remains incomprehensible how a loved one, after a 18 months intense, loving relationship, suddenly could just abandon their Partner without plausible reason and immediately jumps in to the next relationship.
It's absolutely Heartbreaking and shows a tremendous lack of respect towards the ex partner. But I must learn that there's no way that I have influence on how he thinks or what she does to herself.
She has drained my soul and now I'm just a emty shell and there's nothing left from me to gain, so she moves on to the next Person. (Emotional Vampire) Unfortunately, I have to admit that this relationship was never intended to last, because I was just another number on her death list and now it's time for her next victim, in her neverending cycle of destruction.
We both came from fresh from longterm 11-year relationships. How could she have a 11-year relationship? She admitted to me that she cheated on her ex partner in the relationship for over 6 months, after learning that he was cheating on her with her girlfriend. Why didn't she leave him right away? Instead, she started a 6 months "revenge" affair as she described it to me, with a workmate at her job and every night, she would share a bed with her boyfriend and pretend everything is normal?!!
That's a Oskar worthy psychopath performance there, that brings a cold shiver down my spine.
When she confessed that story to me, I should have ran as fast as I can away from this relationship. It's my own fault, because I've noticed countless red flags and ignored them all. On the other hand she will tell me these stories in a way that I should feel empathy for her and that she was always the victim. Its part of her many manipulative strategies.
I can not help her, therapists are there for that. I have tried so hard, I have dealt with it intensively, changed my behavior, constantly listening to her problems.... hours of long talks with her daily And .. and ... and .... all in vain.
The least I did for her after playing her "therapist" or "Punching Bag" for months and endless conversations about her problems and her past, was to point out her behavior and symptoms, so that she started some self-reflection and began with therapy.
If she stands through it, she may be able to live better with her symptoms, a chance of 100% healing is hopeless. That's her curse.
Unfortunately for us it is too late and I will never get over this woman. She left the deepest emotional scars on my soul, which I should forever carry with me.
My "Dream Woman" was only an illusion.
The longer the relationship last, the worse the damage for the Borderliner's ex partner. It is calculated that if the relationship was between 1-2 years, then you have to double each month in the relationship by two and that's the time you will need for healing. So in my case 18 months of relationship equals 36 months of healing until I could get on with my life. But I will never be the same again and she will have the power to reactivate me for herself anytime she wants for a lifetime, unless I'm aware of it, which I am. Some men spend years waiting and hoping for a response or a message from their ex borderline partners. Many are left behind without knowing what happened and why and have no idea what borderline is or it even exists and even commit suicide.
The first step I made for my self healing was to research and read every possible article about the Borderline Syndrome to find reasons in what she did any why.
Ooh, now I know what love is
And I know it ain't you for sure
You'd rather something toxic
So, I poison myself again, again
'Til I feel nothing
In my soul
I'm on the edge of something breaking
I feel my mind is slowly fadin'
If I keep going, I won't make it.