Here's to breaking 20 for 5k (à la EddyLee)

HRE wrote:

Looks like you've got gallows humor worked out to an art form. I didn't think there was any magical cure but if you wanted to take a flyer on something unorthodox I think a lot of us would want to help get you going.

If this is something you'd rather not get into I understand completely. But do you have any thoughts about whether something comes next? I'm guessing that you must have some sort of spiritual inclinations as you mention your old church.

I went ahead and ordered 4 bags of this stuff.

Now I need to figure out who to torture next.

As far as church goes. Yes, I have a strong faith. I actually have, up until recently, viewed this whole experience as preparation for a miracle. If I was cured of an incurable form of cancer I would feel confident claiming God had healed me. Lately, I don't feel I can believe this with any sincerity, but, it has not diminished my faith. It has just made it that much harder to answer difficult questions I face. So, in a way, I stand believing in Jesus, but, not grasping His mercy in the face of a situation like mine. But, truth be told, it insults my assumption I would live a long life without any problems. Sadly, I never questioned whether this was a valid belief or not. No one ever promised I would live a long, healthy, successful life. I just assumed it would go down that way. Does that make God any less holy? If I am to be honest, no, it doesn't. It was my mistake for assuming something that isn't necessarily true...but, rather, something I would like to believe. Who wants to think I'll get incurable cancer at 33 and never see my kids grow up. As someone who tries to see God as a benevolent being, presuming things like that is not near the top of the list. But, when realities like that arise, it doesn't necessarily invalidate claims like, "God is good". As I see it, the truth is so infinitely more complex than that, we as people, fail to grasp the numbers of ways things can go wrong and theological answers still hold true. Does it mean I all happy about it? No, I am a bitter, pissed off dude. But, is it reason to abandon my faith? Again, if I am honest, no. Figuring out the implications of those brutally honest self-analyses, however, is much harder than the feel-good doctrine so popular today. I could go on, but, hopefully, this will give you a glimpse of what I am thinking.

Do you ever wonder if your experience, as horrific as it is, is a call to a higher purpose? The impact you have had on the people in your life, especially as they witness your perserverence and humility in the face of suffering, is immeasurable.

Jesus cried out to God during his last moments on the cross asking why He had abandoned him. It is human to doubt in the face of suffering even with a strong faith.

My dad spent three years with cancer before moving on. To shorten a very long story pretty radically, there were some difficult things in our family, pretty much related to my sister, that were resolved pretty nicely and I cannot imagine they would have been had we not all sort of rallied to make my dad's ending as good an experience as something like that can be. I wouldn't have wished that experience on anyone but there was a lot of good that came out of that.

I'm not exactly sure of my point here but it's something along the lines of being able to see something worthwhile coming from an awful experience. That could just have been coincidental but if you're inclined to see things as being part of a larger picture you can also see that something like grace was also dispensed then.

Letsrun has become a fairly petty and nasty place in the last year or so but you've brought out more decency here that I've seen in a long time. You've made a lot of us more compassionate and empathetic and I think some of us are at least marginally better people for our contact with you. If you've done that with a group of anonymous strangers that you've never met I suspect you've done even more of it with people who know you and are in regular contact. It probably feels like the booby prize and no substitute for living long and prospering. But it's not a bad way to wrap things up if in fact that's where this goes.

kolgon wrote:

Do you ever wonder if your experience, as horrific as it is, is a call to a higher purpose? The impact you have had on the people in your life, especially as they witness your perserverence and humility in the face of suffering, is immeasurable.

Jesus cried out to God during his last moments on the cross asking why He had abandoned him. It is human to doubt in the face of suffering even with a strong faith.

I am curious about your question. Can you rephrase it another way perhaps. Sleeping meds kicked in and I'm kind of brain dead anyway...so, not tracking very well.

CG, keep trusting. I think others have said a whole lot.

I know that God performs miracles today. Will He perform the one you are most wanting? I, of course, do not know. But my family and I will be asking tomorrow in church. I'll be honest, I don't usually rush into prayer for healing in these cases. You mentioned the pretty and feel-good sermons/teachings above, and this isn't that. That, even though I've personally never experienced anything remotely close to your situation, is something that has driven me nuts for years about my fellow Christians; that they are so content with a feel-good message. Life is very often not feel-good.

For now, cyber-hug, and prayers.

I'm checking out the link you provided next. And I'm with HRE and others. Funds are doable.

Weird how things are falling into place. It's weird to be talking with folks about plans, what ifs, and, courses of actions. Right now, I guess I am in action mode, planning, thinking, and, trying to get things set up so when I am gone my family is in the best possible position they can be. I found out I can withdraw from my 401k without penalty. That, plus cancelling my monthly contributions, should give us enough to put a down payment on a decent house. With me out of the picture, my wife and three kids should be okay in a 2,000 square foot house. That is large enough to give them the room they need, but, small enough that maintaining it should be reasonable. I am going to get the life insurance information, banking, credit card, etc, into her hands so she can start to get her head around managing the finances. Also, we are going to being transferring ownership of property into her name. For some reason, I am sensing that I may not have a lot of time. The next round of chemo will be pretty risky. Since the cancer has spread into the marrow they have to use very heavy agents to try and kill what's in the marrow in hopes the marrow will take over and begin getting restored. It's a gamble, but, our only hope at this point. Once they get back to us with the final genetic analysis, we can confirm it is in fact the original cancer, and, begin therapy. I would like to have as much of this sort of preparation done as possible before we start therapy in case, if things go badly, my wife is not left to deal with that on top of my loss, a move, legal issues, financial issues, etc. Hopefully, I will have enough time to get all of that done. Scary to think of what it would be like if we run out of time. 35 is too young to be dealing with all of this. Heck, 55 is too young.

Well, CG (and everyone else), I have a suggestion for something we can do for you and the family. As HRE said (I think), if there is need for funds for treatments, we can help. It seems though that you are able to get the treatments that are necessary without help (just the impression I'm getting as it looks as if you are moving forward without mentioning the need). If that's wrong, of course, let us know.

If that is right, however, what can we do???

I mean, flowers are nice, but they only last so long.

What can bring comfort to your family if the worst is realized? There are many things, perhaps, but I think there is one thing that people may not think of.

What about a top-notch, professionally done, photo book for your wife, each of your kids, and others who need one such as your parents or siblings? This is a treasure for the rest of their lives. They can remember you in your native environment, around the home (and probably the hospital sadly), in situations and doing things that they normally have seen you in and doing.

I know a photographer from Canada who is absolutely fantastic. It's practically a crime that he isn't already famous. He is an environmental and editorial portraiture photographer, working in mostly black and white, but can do beautiful color as well. In other words, he works with available light, not in studio, and so can get the type of photographs that would be most meaningful to your family.

I suppose that some photographs that you already have could be spliced in with the new work so that there are also pictures from healthier times.

The main point of this idea is something that can bring comfort and a closeness and fondness for a father, husband, brother, son, etc., for years and years to come. Of course, traditional prints can be made as well for displaying around the house. Family get-togethers, I think, would have a more intimate feel with something like a nice hardback photo book on hand.

Anyway, this is not a hard sell, just an idea from my heart that I hope may comfort through time. If it isn't interesting to you, CG (or others), that's fine.

This would be paid work for my friend and would not be so inexpensive (though I don't have any idea how much), so we would all have to pull together to finance it, like we have been saying we are willing to do. The main thing is, is it meaningful? I think it would be on your end, CG, and my friend could really use the work (it's proving hard to break into high-end portrait photo work for him).

I'm thinking, at the least, the photographer would need to be around for three days, but possibly up to a week, to get enough good quality work from a variety of settings. This would, perhaps, be the biggest challenge since you may be starting aggressive chemo very soon.

I'll leave off here to see what everyone thinks, mostly you, CG. Our family is praying for you and we are still hoping for a miracle to the glory of God.

Brent et al,

I am not quite sure what to say. Your offers truly are amazing. Perhaps it's my stubbornness, or, perhaps it's my pride, but, the thought of receiving such gifts seems odd to me. As I said, it may just be the southern gentlemen in me bucking at the idea. Nonetheless, I am going to say I would, in all honesty, like to accept the offer. It's just weird as I don't know what to ask for. I'm not trying to downplay and of the suggestions. They all sound great. Part of my reluctance is that I will probably start chemo in about a week which doesn't give me a lot of time. Another reason I hold back is that doing something like this (the photographer mainly) would clue my kids into the fact that something was "off". The 6-year old has already started asking, on her own, if I am going to die. The other two have not pieced it together yet. So, if we draw to much attention to the situation, I don't think it would take long for the other two to get the idea. So, I find myself very thankful and blessed by the offer, just unsure of how to receive it. Let me discuss it with my wife and see if there is anything she feels comfortable doing. Our pastor and his wife informed us yesterday they are closing our church, but, they want to bless us with a week away. They have set funds aside to allow us to do that, but, again, I am not sure if I have time. I can't say why, I just feel like my time is short. There is no single thing I can put my finger on that makes me think, "I'll be dead in 2 months." It's just the sum of the parts gives me an intuition. That being said, I have to be careful to what I commit myself. My worst fear is that my doctor's are all wrong and in 2 years I'll still be kicking. I'd feel like the boy that cried wolf. Half of me would so like for that to be true...as I'd still be alive and with my family. Yet, I don't want to appear as a liar, having said grim things and gotten a lot of sympathy. I've just tried to chronicle the real process as it has unfolded. Again, I sit here with mixed, conflicting thoughts and emotions, yet, I am, if nothing else, deeply touched by the thoughtfulness of folks on here who have reached out to me in my time of need. It truly has made me rethink a lot of things my bitter, cynical mind has concluded of late...and, for that, I thank all of you. You have restored my faith in the goodness of others. When I have had a chance to talk with my wife, I will let everyone know what we decide. Thank you all so much. Sincerely.

Have you considered not taking the treatments? If you're feeling relatively well and the prognosis is not good- why risk felling awful and potentially hastening things? Further, if the doctors happen to be wrong, you are putting yourself at great risk for no reason.

How certain are the doctors that your cancer has returned? I read your blog and see that the doctors are most concerned about a drop in your platelet count. Might that be due to the chemotherapy and other strong treatments that you have received over the past 2 yrs vs. A return of your cancer? I would advise you make an appt to discuss the pros and cons of going through with the new chemotherapy rounds, focusing on the questions above. In the meanwhile, the should be able to give you transfusions and other treatments to increase your platelet count and thereby increase your strength should you decide to go through with the chemotherapy at a later date.

Thing of you. Your conversations with your 6 yo break my heart. I'm wishing you all the best and sending hugs to your children. God bless.

Hmmm. No, I actually hadn't considered that this go around. Before I started therapy the first time, I did. But, no, it's not crossed my mind. I guess I need to see what they determine from the genetic analysis, and, what treatment options are. I guess, in the back of my mind, I am thinking I can try one round, and, see how I handle it. I am assuming, with that, they will be able to stabilize me if things go badly. The main concern, which they are verifying as we speak, is that the reason my counts are not rebounding, is that the disease has spread into the marrow. If that's the case, chemo is the only option. Transfusions, whether or red, white, or platelets, all have their own risks. In short, there is not easy answer, or, clear cut option for therapy. Until now things have gone pretty much in my favor, that is, in terms of surgeries, chemo, etc. I have had nearly the best possible response. Now is the first time we are talking about the darker stuff. If they tell me extreme disease progression, likely death, and, complications are the only scenario before me, I will probably pray about it and seriously consider skipping chemo. The part of me that balks at that is the one that always says, "What if?" You know, what if they could buy me another 6 months if I do chemo. What if I actually knock back disease for a while before it gets bad again. These sorts of second guess, mind games are one of the worst parts.

Hey my friend,

I'd like to share this with you:

http://youtu.be/SqBMNSuDf7g

Thank you for sharing your experiences.

Blessings,

Ron

Radical Ron. wrote:

Hey my friend,

I'd like to share this with you:

http://youtu.be/SqBMNSuDf7g

Thank you for sharing your experiences.

Blessings,

Ron

Thanks for the link Radical Ron. For some reason, music has really gotten to me lately, but, weird songs. Some Mumford and Sons, a Jack Johnson cover the White Stripes song "We are gonna be friends" and some John Mayer. Just some tangent about how we often get caught up on the struggle for personal worth in the little wars we fight each and every day. Something about these lines just really got to me,

It's empty in the valley of your heart

The sun, it rises slowly as you walk

Away from all the fears and all the faults

You've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat

You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see

But I have seen the same

I know the shame in your defeat

That last line just got my mind racing. I feel defeated by this thing. I am not just "giving up" but in my case it's rare people survive it. Our docs didn't call us back, so, the wife and I have been just stressing a lot about the outcome. Sadly our oncologist is the only guy in the area who specializes in sarcoma and with whom MDA suggests anyone work. As he works less and less (he's been at it like 40 years) I suspect he will retire soon. So, even if treatment is effective we will worry about having a medical team that can really support us. We are looking at downsizing, moving into a rental or smaller house so the wife has less to deal with after the fact. Just trying to prepare so those sorts of issues aren't in the mix during the really hard times. I started feeling a little better after I got on some antibiotics, but, I was sleeping like 14 hours a day over the weekend/Monday.

Sorry for the delay. Just been a long week. I doubt next week will be any better as we get word on what we are dealing with...hopefully, but, we will try and get out and enjoy the weekend a little. Kid have a birthday pool party and I have a user group meeting for a computer user group I started last year in the am. So, something other than the elephant in the room to think about for a few hours. Me and my petty distractions. Bring a little numb and forgetfulness. Thanks all for the well wishes. One day, I might get so crazy as to try and get back to walking. Who knows. Enjoy the weekend and let's get ready for the Games folks!

Oh, forgot to note...one cool thing this week. A guy I know was working on a tech book and I offered to do some peer review. So, I got my name in the acknowledgments. Kind of fun showing the kids my name in a real book. Maybe an article I wrote will drop in the cycle shortly. The blog it'll be posted on is the most widely read of all Microsoft blogs. Kind of an honor to get to write for it. Ok, back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Cancer Guy! I have yet to get permission from you to get a photographer to do the shooting needed for a family photo book. I understand your concerns and desire to protect your children as much as possible.

That said, I have already started fund raising. If you and your wife feel that this photo book isn’t possible or needed, we can divert those funds to something else. As I said initially, it seems that your insurance and other resources have you fairly well covered. If that isn’t the case you should fill us in on that.

To be as clear as I can be with you, my concern is, in the case that you are not able to overcome this latest onslaught of cancer, what would comfort your family through the years? I believe very strongly that a truly professional photo book would be, in the long run, as much or possibly more important emotionally for your wife, children, and other family members than even money. More than anything, your children need their father, and in this case, there is no guarantee that they will get to have that. It’s heartwrenching, but unfortunately true.

I think I mentioned that I’m a photogapher (though I don’t make my living from it). There is something about photos that bring a closeness even more than video in my opinion. Perhaps it’s that the imagination and emotions get more intertwined while seeing a still image as opposed to video where the motion and voice confine our thought and imagination to what is being done and said. I really don’t know, but whatever it is, it is why I’m a photographer and not a videographer. Additionally, a photo book is just so convenient to look at compared to video.

The reason I’m mentioning all of this is simply that I think you or others may immediately think that video would be better. If that is the consensus, well, then we should hire someone to do that instead. The point is, again (and again, and again . . .) what will comfort through time?

So, as far as I know that is everything to know about where I’m coming from. On top of this, because I’m a photographer and believe deeply that a professionally done photo book would be a comforting treasure, I cannot personally imagine asking anyone other than my friend, Andrew, to do this. I thought of him because it just happens to be a perfect match. He specializes in exactly the type of work that would be best for this idea. And, as I mentioned, he could really use the work, both for the immediate finances and the addition to his portfolio to get more work in the future.

I know that some may think it wiser to hire a local photographer, but I’d bet almost anything there is no local photographer as good as my friend, one, and two, if there were and he or she was actually established, there probably wouldn’t be much, if any, savings by going that route. I’m sure there are “adequate” photographers in your area (it seems like you are in the “burbs” of a major city), but, personally, I cringe at this. Most “adequate” photographers today are trendy and, while their images are catchy, they won’t stand the test of time. My friend produces images that do not rely on the latest trends and looks, but are timeless. It’s the way I am. I can’t get myself to do hardly a thing if I think there is a better way. Andrew, without any doubt in my own mind, is the best way.

Well, as a fellow believer, I believe that motives are as important as actions, thus the book about my thinking on this, hopefully to be done, project ;)

But I’m still not done . . .

The other side of it all, and the major reason I’m writing this, is to hopefully help you see it a little differently from your own perspective, CG. You mentioned not wanting to be the boy crying wolf, but then were still crying two years from now. Well, in one sense, I don’t want that either! I mean, I don’t want you to die, of course. But, if you are alive in two years, I’ll be praising God! The thing I wouldn’t like to see is you still struggling in two years. Being alive in two, ten, twenty, fifty years is what we are all hoping for! That, and that you are taking down Ed Whitlock’s records ;) Seriously!

So, what if we all chipped in and made a photo book happen? And you live to 120? Well, that would just be a tragedy we would all be too happy to deal with!

Listen, if you beat this thing like we all hope, and you and your family end up with photo books as a gift that wasn’t “needed”, it was still an epic moment in all of your lives that should be remembered. Trust me! No harm - no foul! In that case we may have a LRC get together and sing the Doxology! (Could you imagine? All of the LRC runners in split shorts singing the Doxology before a group track workout? But don’t laugh! You have to lead!)

With love, brother.

Let us know.

I started raising money here:

Blog page

http://fight-like-a-runner.blogspot.jp/

Donation page

http://www.giveforward.com/fight-like-a-runner

I have been following this thread and like others have been touched and inspired. I don't want to steal the thunder of those on this thread trying to contribute something monetarily, but the last few posts got me thinking about a personal experience.

The photographer who founded this organization

www.acpcg.org

http://www.footprintsphotography.com/index2.php#/rtext_9/

volunteered her services to a family member a couple years ago.

She is an amazing photographer and the photos she took are a treasured gift. If her talent is any indication of the talent of other photographers in the organization, you will be impressed with any of their work. Although this is styled as a guild to help sick children, I believe it also helps families with sick parents.

CG - whether you contact someone in this organization or if the fundraising efforts above continue to come together, you should definitely check out the idea of a photo session/book. The photos are a beautiful idea.

Brent, this is amazing. I think I would like to move forward. We have had a few photo shoots. I just want to be careful to not do anything to "out of the norm" to cue the kids into the "why's that guy here?" kind of questions. I am deeply moved by the offer. I spoke with my wife about it and she is excited about the prospect. Hopefully, as you said so well, this would all be something that can be looked back in years as a remember-that-cancer-phase snapshot. I will send you an email directly so we can get the details ironed out. Most days letsrun makes me go wow for a wide variety of reasons, but, today, I am blessed and thankful to be a part of this community! Thanks so much...sincerely.

CG, I've linked my email with my username, so you can contact me that way.

I think there may be a way to introduce Andrew to the family that won't raise too many questions (or at least not the too direct ones) from the children. I'll share that when you get in touch.

Stay strong and positive.

On a side note (waaay on the side), my thirteen year old daughter loves your name! We prayed for you in church last week and now she can't get your name out of her head. Really, she's not that strange, but out of the blue she just calls out your name sometimes! It's funny, too, because she's bilingual but always puts a Japanese accent to it.

I'll wait for your email and then reply from my normal email address (the one linked is mostly for junk).

Some pictures courtesy of the amazing folks at Nike who sent us a couple of gift boxes out of the blue. So humbled, blessed and excited. The kids just want to run up and down the street.

The oldest:

http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/581035_4421208771771_636726801_n.jpg

Middle kidlet:

http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/377632_4421209331785_1550781381_n.jpg

The youngest:

http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/527206_4421210091804_821790357_n.jpg

The wife and our mixed breed mutt:

http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/182191_4421211491839_888853694_n.jpg

The infamous ankle:

http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/376674_4421222772121_1500781513_n.jpg

Franklin,

Thanks for the idea. What Erin does is very nice. What my friend does is also very nice. The difference between them, however, is quite big.

Really, it is a totally different style of portraiture. I was having a really hard time trying to think of how to explain it, but now I think I can. And please, do not think I'm putting down Erin's work at all. It is both pleasing and useful (if it weren't she'd be out of a job).

What Andrew does is show you, Johnny. That's it. What Erin and the vast majority of portrait photographers do is show you, Johnny having his portrait taken. I sometimes think I can't know a person until Andrew has taken their portrait.

Andrew shows you a person's everyday expressions, the ones that those with whom you most often interact really know, in the context of places and settings where the subject is most often encountered. It really is a very big difference, and one that I think very important for the vision of this project.

Perhaps a good way to sum it up is this (and I just mentioned this to CG in an email): "my vision for this book is to give [wife], and [three children] their "real" husband and father back to them."

This style of photographer isn't very common, and one reason is because it isn't easy to do well and artistically.

Honestly, thank you for your suggestion, but I'm hoping that we can stick with my original suggestion. I don't, however, want to strong-arm everyone, and will listen to other ideas and concerns.

As for who the photographer will finally be, however, it should be decided earlier rather than later.