Proper way to spank your children?

delicate little frower wrote:

Colonial wrote:

Stellar program that worked with my kids. Never laid a finger on them, didn't psychologically abuse them and they are well-adjusted with a terrific sense of right and wrong.

I made judicious use of spanking with my kids, and they are well adjusted with a terrific sense of right and wrong.

As a parent, I always viewed spanking as a failure on my part. So I've never resorted to it. Is it abuse? Depends on the parent and the delivery I guess. Most times it is a parent that has lost control of his temper and is no longer thinking about the best interests of the kid. Kids learn the wrong lesson in this case: Anger rules when you are big and have power.

I didn't like the idea of spanking my kids, but wanted to scare them out of bad behavior. I had this thought a few years back, tried it, and it works for me. YMMV.

Basically, if one of my kids isn't listening or is acting out, I wait until they have completely dropped their guard and are at the bottom of an exhale, then I clasp my hands over their mouth and nose so they can't get an inhale. Before they panic completely, I sternly and calmly explain why their behavior is wrong. I turn up the volume of my rant as they start to flail and freak out, then release and ignore them for 25 minutes while it sets in.

Works for me, and isn't spanking!

Interesting, eh wrote:

As a parent, I always viewed spanking as a failure on my part. So I've never resorted to it. Is it abuse? Depends on the parent and the delivery I guess. Most times it is a parent that has lost control of his temper and is no longer thinking about the best interests of the kid. Kids learn the wrong lesson in this case: Anger rules when you are big and have power.

What you are describing is not what people are referring to as spanking. Hitting your kid as an expression of your anger is child abuse. Spanking your kid as a punishment for wrongdoing is completely different.

Guardian Ad Litem wrote:

Most states define 'hitting with an object' (wooden spoon) as child abuse, so if you're looking to continue living in the same home as your children, and avoid criminal charges, I'd suggest looking for a more sophisticated, intelligent method of child rearing asap.

I'm hoping you're a troll, but in case you're not, and for the benefit of any other derelict parents that think striking a person smaller, weaker, and less cognitively developed than yourself is O.K., I thought I'd speak up.

Spanking has been considered an ineffective and inhumane form of "parenting" for decades.

All this Benjamin Spock bull-shit is what gave us Generaton Y: clueless about everything, come to work and expect to be entertained; they expect a new car, a $250k house, and all of it RIGHT NOW. Nevermind that their parents worked thirty years to get it. This indulgent parenting attitude is why everybody is entitled.

By consistently indulging our children, and trying to reason with them like little Socrateses we've created children that have a disconnect between action and reaction, cause and effect, and we've also destroyed the child's ability to delay gratification. A quick smack on the bottom gets the child's attention and lets the child know that there are consequences for their actions, and sometimes they are immediate.

In short, there is a loss of connection between action and consequences.

Hume's Fork wrote:

[quote]Guardian Ad Litem wrote:

All this Benjamin Spock bull-shit is what gave us Generaton Y: clueless about everything, come to work and expect to be entertained; they expect a new car, a $250k house, and all of it RIGHT NOW. Nevermind that their parents worked thirty years to get it. This indulgent parenting attitude is why everybody is entitled.

By consistently indulging our children, and trying to reason with them like little Socrateses we've created children that have a disconnect between action and reaction, cause and effect, and we've also destroyed the child's ability to delay gratification. A quick smack on the bottom gets the child's attention and lets the child know that there are consequences for their actions, and sometimes they are immediate.

In short, there is a loss of connection between action and consequences.

Your post is absolute gibberish.

Once again, for the reading impaired on this thread, no hitting does not equal no discipline. I have never hit my offspring, but I have most definitely disciplined to shape appropriate behavior.

I would not put up with a spoiled, self-indulgent young person in my home. Believe it or not, I, and many parents, have managed to raise hardworking, respectful kids without laying a hand on them.

My teenager is a self-motivated, multi-sport varsity athlete who earns fantastic grades and is excited about the future and her place in the world. She works hard and earns what she gets. We have a great relationship

based on mutual respect and trust.

I grew up in a home where children were hit/disciplined, so I can say that my experience both personally and professionally is that your kid will have a better shot at success in life if you discipline without corporal punishment. And you won't get tossed in jail. Win, win.

Yeah! And in my day, we had to walk 15 miles to school in the snow, uphill both ways!

God, do some of you people ever hear yourself? Every generation likes to scold the youngest generation for their loose morals and reproachful conduct, and every generation is just as forgetful, egotistical, and flat out wrong as their elders were. How quickly they forget what little brats the were themselves. If you took an honest look at society today, you'd realize how much better educated, tolerant, tech saavy and informed the average young person is than the teens of previous generations. Are there plenty of entitled, spoiled, ungrateful children today? Sure, there absolutely are. Are there proportionally more than there ever has been? No, and that's ludicrous to think so. Right, I'm sure you baby boomers were such terrific teens, what with your constant drug induced haze and "peaceful protesting" of issues you really had no complete understanding of.

I mean, golly. Next thing you know these kids are REALLY going to get out of hand with their rock music.

On topic, spanking is a dreadful thing. Those who preach love, patience, and understanding have got it right. Treat your children right folks and you'll love the results you get almost all the time. Intimidating behavior with no other rationale behind it besides "I'm bigger than you" really isn't as effective as you'd hope...

The good ol' days! wrote:

On topic, spanking is a dreadful thing. Those who preach love, patience, and understanding have got it right. Treat your children right folks and you'll love the results you get almost all the time. Intimidating behavior with no other rationale behind it besides "I'm bigger than you" really isn't as effective as you'd hope...

You are completely missing the point, and the idea that there is one method that will work for every kid in every situation is foolish at best.

I wonder what you would've done with a stubborn, defiant boy. Or three. You sound awfully proud of yourself - with an edge of elitism, for sure - when you post. Parent style differs not only with each parent, but with each child.

What worked for your little Caitlin when she didn't share her dolly with little Brittany may not work when Johnny yells that he hates mommy, runs out of his time out chair, out the door, and across the street (no looking), and stabs the neighbor's dog in the eye with a stick.

Get off your horse, pal.

Not at all.

Prediction: A post is coming about how my "Johnny" scenario simply isn't plausible in home in which gentle, spank-free parenting has been practiced since birth.

Bet on it.

Guardian Ad Litem wrote:

Most states define 'hitting with an object' (wooden spoon) as child abuse, so if you're looking to continue living in the same home as your children, and avoid criminal charges, I'd suggest looking for a more sophisticated, intelligent method of child rearing asap.

I'm hoping you're a troll, but in case you're not, and for the benefit of any other derelict parents that think striking a person smaller, weaker, and less cognitively developed than yourself is O.K., I thought I'd speak up.

Spanking has been considered an ineffective and inhumane form of "parenting" for decades.

As long as you are not leaving marks or bruises you'll typically be ok in most states (even in states that ban using an object it's very hard to prove if there's no bruises). In the state I work in, it's recommended that parents use an open hand, don't leave a mark, wait til a child is old enough to walk, and don't spank multiple times a day (and I live in a fairly liberal state). It will take bruises or severe emotional intimidation for a case to be opened.

I personally think that spanking can be effective at a young age for some children. However, it has to be done very carefully an never in anger. It really shouldn't be as much about the pain as it should about the fact that the child should be ashamed that they needed to be spanked. A discussion should occur both prior and after the spanking outlining what the child did wrong, why the parent is spanking, and assuring the child that the parent still loves them.

Social Worker wrote:

I personally think that spanking can be effective at a young age for some children. However, it has to be done very carefully an never in anger. It really shouldn't be as much about the pain as it should about the fact that the child should be ashamed that they needed to be spanked. A discussion should occur both prior and after the spanking outlining what the child did wrong, why the parent is spanking, and assuring the child that the parent still loves them.

Exactly.

Social Worker wrote:

I personally think that spanking can be effective at a young age for some children. However, it has to be done very carefully an never in anger. It really shouldn't be as much about the pain as it should about the fact that the child should be ashamed that they needed to be spanked. A discussion should occur both prior and after the spanking outlining what the child did wrong, why the parent is spanking, and assuring the child that the parent still loves them.

Good post. After spanking my kid the other day (and waiting an hour or so), I had a long conversation with him. I told him that I absolutely don't like spanking him, but that it is sometimes necessary. I reminded him about the numerous "outs" he had before spanking became the only intervention that would stop his behavior. I told him that the spanking was the only option at that point. Finally, I explained that sometimes I must spank, because I care about him so much that I don't want him to take disrespectful language and actions lightly. I love him SO much, I'm willing to do something uncomfortable in the present, in order to gain something wonderful in the future - a respectful (hopefully), grounded kid who understands that poor choices lead to bad consequences, and that parents sometimes do things not because they don't love their child, but because they do.

What are you babbling about? If anyone has missed the point here, it's you. You're right. The idea that one method will work for any kid is foolish... so, why is this default to physical punishment so good anyway? Apply your own points to your own ideas.

Love, patience and understanding is not "one method." How one applies those three concepts to disciplining and talking to your child is completely variable, and should fit one's parenting style. It's not a single specific solution, and if you can't understand that, then you are sorely confused.

Re: this ridiculous idea that at ANY point violence is your only solution to get a child to see your point of view, think back to the last time you were spanked (if it ever happened). Chances are, even if you knew what you did was wrong, all you were probably thinking was "I'll temporarily agree with mom and dad and act in a way that pleases them just so they stop hitting me, which I don't like." Instead of demonstrating what they did was wrong and why, all this teaches the child is "when I'm bigger and stronger than someone, I can get them to agree with how I feel by punishing them physically for dissent." Sure, children aren't always logical or easy to reason with. That doesn't mean you should just discard their feelings or try to understand why they did what they did and not bother to appropriately discipline them.

The good ol' days! wrote:

Instead of demonstrating what they did was wrong and why,

You're clearly not a parent. Many kids know that their misbehavior is wrong - and why it's wrong. Yet, they do it anyway. It's part of being a child. Testing the limits. You make it sound as though all one has to do is give a simple explanation, and all misbehavior disappears.

You really think parents who choose to spank somehow forgot to give an explanation as to why the misbehavior was wrong?

How do you propose dealing with a child who wont listen to your explanation? Laughs at your consequence? Gets up from his timeout chair? Yells and hits? And on?

These are realities. Children do behave this way. All children, from time to time. A "simple explanation" - or demonstration, to use your word - is a naive proposal. I'm not saying spanking is the solution to all of these issues with all children, but to suggest that a few kind words will address them is downright foolish.

Post again after having kids, ok?

Please don't get the wrong idea. I don't mean to disrespect your viewpoint and I'm not trying to simplify something that is very difficult. Trust me, I agree - kids are extremely difficult to get to listen to you and understand you.

That being said, in my experience, spanking rarely solves the problem. That's all. I don't think it fosters the kind of reaction and response that most parents seem to think it does. To me, spanking fuels intimidation and and an anger based understanding of consequences.

Again, I hope I am not misconstrued when I say love, patience and understanding are the keys to getting a child to behave well. Let me assure you, when I say that, I do not mean to imply speaking kindly with children about rainbows and puppy dogs in fairy tale land. I'm sorry if I've given this impression. I am trying to emphasize the importance of love, patience, and understanding in your discipline. I believe it is essential to remain in control and firm when dealing with a problematic child, but I also feel that violence should not enter the equation. I think that signifies loss of control if anything, and I don't mean control in the domineering sense - just in the sense that I don't think the child respects or wants to listen to you nearly as much.

Explanations and "a few kind words" certainly are rarely enough. That does not mean that spanking is, by the default alternative, the best way to discipline a child, and it also probably means that your patience was severely compromised if you had to get to the point where you were striking a child. Is that human? Sure, people usually live stressful, emotional lives where the BEST parenting choice is not necessarily made. I am just trying to convey what in my opinion is the BEST parenting solution, that is all.

Guardian Ad Litem wrote:

Most states define 'hitting with an object' (wooden spoon) as child abuse, so if you're looking to continue living in the same home as your children, and avoid criminal charges, I'd suggest looking for a more sophisticated, intelligent method of child rearing asap.

I'm hoping you're a troll, but in case you're not, and for the benefit of any other derelict parents that think striking a person smaller, weaker, and less cognitively developed than yourself is O.K., I thought I'd speak up.

Spanking has been considered an ineffective and inhumane form of "parenting" for decades.

OK, so we have at least one adult on here. There is hope for the human species.

allallagram wrote:

What, are you going to attempt to reason with a bratty 5 year old? I'm sure he will realize the error of his ways without any intervention on your part, because child are usually very logical and unselfish.

Not disciplining your kids will do them more harm than judicious spanking ever could.

What are you trying to prove? That you can kick a 5-year old's ass? That'll learn 'em!

Troll post, but I'll share a story.

I have never spanked my children, but one time when my daughter was 3 she ran into the street without looking to see if a car was coming. I saw it happening in slow motion, and still consider it more of a failure on my part than hers... It was at a friend's house across the street from home and we were in the front yard drinking keg beer (he owns a brewery).

The kids were playing a game of some sort and my daughter decided she needed her Big Wheel. Instead of asking me to go get it, she just ran over there. If a car had been coming, she would have been killed.

I jumped up and ran over to her, picked her up and spanked her bottom. It totally surprised her and scared her so much that she immediately started crying very hard. It was probbaly half embarrassment. She NEVER ran in the road again. Honestly, I think I gave her a complex about street safety.

I felt really, really bad about it, but it worked. Now, if I did that everyday, she'd probably just ignore it. So pick your battles.

If only there was a way to install an innate fear of drunk driving or teenage sex. That would be ideal!!!