Survey: How many of you married men or women have/ had affairs?

happily married wrote:

bigger picture wrote:

The crux of this whole matter is that we put too much value on sex. We see sex what a whole relationship is about.

...

Maybe we all should grow up and realize that sex is small peanuts and that if one orgasm is enough to ruin your relationship of 20 years, you're a f***ing immature baby that has weak sense of commitment.

Totally agree!

Totally disagree. A relationship is between two people. You aren't the only one who gets a say in the importance of sex in it. You can get all high and mighty, and say things should be a certain way (I agree with you, to an extent, about too much being focused on sex), but the fact of the matter is you are doing something that would emotionally wreck your significant other. The whole crux of the matter is that you put are putting your sexual desires ahead of your wifes or whatever's wishes. If you guys were open about it and cool with it thats another story. But the fact of the matter is that you don't have the balls to do it, because you know the effect it would have on them, and you are pretty much just one giant asshole, trying to justify something you know is wrong.

retaehc wrote:

Why not? You mentioned that you don't consider it cheating and you also consider yourself faithful to your wife, so why not tell her, your family and friends? Because you know it's wrong and you definitely wouldn't be happy with your wife "getting some on the side."

For the same reason as evidenced in this thread, not everyone will be of the same opinion. I don't care, I don't need their approval and wouldn't bother arguing the point. This is the way I feel and I've always felt from before I was married.

I do not feel it's wrong and sleep well at night (with my head next to my wife's). The fact that she would not agree is irrelevant to me.

zip zero nada wrote:

but the fact of the matter is you are doing something that would emotionally wreck your significant other. The whole crux of the matter is that you put are putting your sexual desires ahead of your wifes or whatever's wishes. If you guys were open about it and cool with it thats another story.

What part of "I have discussed this with my wife" are you unclear on? She is ok with it.

I find do it interesting how many of your guys on here seem to think that marriage means you now own your partners genitals. Maybe you should demand of your partner that they not have any friends either. After all, close friends moves in your ownership of them sexually and emotionally.

Let's be clear. I am my wife's partner, not her master. Nor is she mine. She is a whole person and we have agreed to share part of ourselves but not to deny the other person a life beyond this relationship. I don't have the hubris to think that I am so great that I meet every need she could ever desire.

The grass is always greener.....

happily married,

I think we have some agreement and some differences. I generally believe that you need to have open communication with this stuff (i.e., your wife has a right to know)but...anyone who has a brain knows that relationships are complicated and knows that all relationships have secrets. Totally honesty is ridiculous expectation and would surely be the end of every relationship. I don't know the details of your life and won't judge you, though.

I will disagree with you that women might be different in their desire of other partners. I think that many women want more out of sex and we have culturally beat it out of them.

I've been married for 3 years and dated for 6 before that and have never cheated (which includes a bj and hand job).

Having said that, I kind of agree with "happily married."

In the grand scheme of things, I really don't see the big deal about him getting a no strings attached hand job every now and then, if he can live with it.

I haven't done it and will not for the forseeable future because I think I would have too much guilt and fear of getting caught, but I don't hold it against him or judge him for it.

I've definitely thought about it, but I haven't crossed any lines.

The Marquis de Sod wrote:

The grass is always greener.....

You know if you walk back and forth from one pasture to other you begin to realize that it's really greener on this side because of the time and care you put into fertilizing and weeding it. That's why you spend virtually all your time there.

Glad you discussed it. Not everyone here who says they have has made that same statement however, so what I said holds. Also, I don't think anyone thinks they own their partners genitals. I think, if you read mine, the point is that its a marriage, it should be out in the open. If two people disagree on something as basic as whether they can sleep with other people or not, then they probably shouldn't be married. That is all.

I don't think the dictionary contains enough words to describe what a hypocritical idiot you are.

bigger picture wrote:

if one orgasm is enough to ruin your relationship of 20 years, you're a f***ing immature baby that has weak sense of commitment.

Do you understand the word commitment? Cheating is the opposite of commitment, dumbass. That is like saying my childhood dog will be 33 this year, well, except for the fact that HE DIED twenty years ago!!! Kind of a big "if".

In fact, let me have your woman for a night and I'll return her jizzsm soaked twat for you to forgive as you muff dive your way into my little spooging swimmers.

I think that it is funny that this thread specifically requested feedback from those that have had affairs and the vast majority of those who posted have not had affairs.

I intentionally didn't respond initially because I wasn't qualified on the subject, but I figured that that didn't stop the others.

I am not here to judge either, which is what everyone seems to want to do.

But I will offer one tip:

Expect to be caught and be prepared for the consequences.

Once you have that understood, proceed as you may.

Your problem with your post is, many of us have had friends who did cheat and we saw it all first hand. Nine times out of 10 the cheater cried like a little bitch and reduced themselves to begging forgivess and in most cases it was the male. The female moved on.

Who can claim to be a loving father with that action thrown into the face of their children? Kids grow up and call that bullshit, realizing that their dad was nothing more than a pile of shit.

happily married wrote:

bigger picture wrote:

The crux of this whole matter is that we put too much value on sex. We see sex what a whole relationship is about.

...

Maybe we all should grow up and realize that sex is small peanuts and that if one orgasm is enough to ruin your relationship of 20 years, you're a f***ing immature baby that has weak sense of commitment.

Totally agree!

Nope, that is definitely NOT the crux of the matter.

The crux of the matter is honesty and integrity. Every person deserves to know the truth about things that they consider important. In particular they especially deserve to know the truth from their most trusted partner (aka spouse). It is only with this that they may make their own decisions based on the most accurate picture of their universe possible.

1) It is NOT up to you to determine what is or is not considered important to your spouse.

2) It is not acceptable to effectively lie (by omission) to your spouse about something that they consider important.

This is the crux of the matter.

And the reality is that you don't have the balls to face your wife after telling her the truth. Everything else is just the rationalization of a coward.

But how many of the non strayers really have a real babe offer themselves? When you are single a lot of what seem like good opportunites come to nothing

Don't give me all your bs stories, even when you are single the guy usually has to do most of the work

I was once in a bar and 2 girls dancing together near me sort of included me I thought just for a dance but started both kissing me

That was it though.. who knows of there had been a bed right there and then though?

But never done anything other than that and intending to keep it that way

When I go out drinking I leave the mobile at home and just don't go for No's and stuff like when I was single and don't stay out all night either. Unless you are a monk its best not to put too much tempatation in front of you. Just go out for a booze up every couple of months with a friend also living with his gf

biological male wrote:

I figured since this was an anonymous board you all would be honest. So how many of you have had or currently have affairs with other another person(s)? Do you feel guilty? Once you do it is it easier to do from then on? Any tips on how not to get caught or rules that you follow so as not to be caught? And what caused you to seek satisfaction from other people in the first place?

Twenty years of marriage, zero affairs.

When I got married, I promised my wife that I wouldn't be with anyone else...

I've always been faithful in my relationships, but it occurs to me that suprisingly often, males relate to sex the way many females relate to dancing. I realize this is a stretch, but bear with me, and take the parallels for what they're worth.

Men in general have a greater appetite for sex than women do. Men are,comparatively speaking,sexual enthusiasts;women very often participate more frequently than they'd prefer, because their man needs a partner, but expect the man to be proficient, proactive while they remain passive; and if they are not satisfied, they see this as the man's failure to satify them, as opposed to a failure on their own part to be proficient and proactive in the process. Compared to men, they are not enthusiasts to the same degree. They may enjoy sex, but seldom if ever initiate it or take the lead.. They may be glad they allowed themselves to be talked into it. In a Woddy Allen movie, I think it was, a husband is complaining to his analyst about the dearth of sex in his marriage. They have sex only about once a week. Meanwhile, across town,a woman complains to her analyst that her husband demands sex from her constantly. You guessed it, EVERY week. The two are man and wife.

Men are wired to be sexually attracted essentially to any sexually available and reasonably presentable female, regardless of emotional attraction, indeed even to women they actively dislike. Many tragic marriages owe their origin to a sexual attraction that overwhelmed or masked an essential emotional incompatibility, which only became evident after lust had been (temporarily) slaked. Stanley Kowalski and Blanche Du Bois.

During periods of human history during which male mortality was especially high because of the danger associated with hunting and warfare, this predeliction no doubt was instrumental in keeping the species going. If a man had to be emotionally attached to every woman he impregnated, most of those widows would not have borne more children, and without robust procreation, motality would have overwhelmed thespecies.

On the other hand, women are often passionate about dancing the way men commonly are about sports; it is a means by which they experience themselves as actualized and beautiful, expressing themselves through the medium of skillful movement, which we more often find when in the groove in our chosen sports. This would explain Rhythmic Gymnastics and Synchronized Swimming as Olympic events.

Men seldom share this passion for dancing, and participate largely because their woman requires a (preferably) male partner. Absent a male partner, women are often content to dance with other women. You will never see this among straight men. Women will often be more than willing to dance with a man other than their mate, and will do so with men they are unattracted to in any way aside from their physical grace, which is to say, their suitability as a partner in a physical act about which they are passionate,and for which their husband may be an unskilled, reluctant and indifferent partner.

Men are frequently relieved that their mates find someone else to dance with; it takes the pressure off them to participate with their spouse in an activity in which their wives are avid participants. And the wife would consider it silly for their husband to regard their having a frequent dancing partner as infidelity. They will do it with perfect strangers.

Perhaps a closer parallel would be a non-running spouse's attitude toward their husband's or wife's opposite-sex training partner.

This is not to justify sexual infidelity,so much as to provide women with a parallel that they might relate to in terms of mens' ability to have sex with other women without it being emotionally significant to them. And since the harm done by infidelity has to do with the sense of emotional betrayal it implies, this may help draw a useful distinction.

Ok, bit of a different scenario here with me. I'm single, never married, never plan to be married. I've been in and out of many relationships, most lasting around 6 months (the honeymoon period as i call it). After around 6 months I am bored and ready to move on to something new. I'll admit I have done things with other women while "in a relationship" with someone. I can live with any/all of what I've done as I've never been under any oath or anything like that. Here is what I do have a tough time morally with:

I have knowingly been with 3 different women who were engaged at the time to other men. I knew this up front, but figure, they are the ones who have to live with the guilt, not me, however, I still find myself feeling somewhat guilty for possibly ruining someones future marriage. On the other hand I have had chances to do things with women who are married, and I always say no...I just wont get in the middle of something like that. Anyone at least kinda get what I'm saying here?

how naive are you to think that direct discourse (as opposed to something else direct) solves problems like this?

happily married wrote:

Happily married 15 years, 4 kids, decent sex life.

1 b******* from a hooker in a bar

5 or 6 hand jobs from strippers

I don't consider this cheating, but I don't tell my wife about it either.

Great marriage, no need to divorce, 4 young kids, happy at home, good sex (i.e. oral/anal) at least once a week. But every once in a while an opportunity presents it self and I have to scratch that itch.

Is it painful when your wife does you anally?

Since I got married: zero affair, and I intend to continue that trend.