Guys who proposed: did you ask her father for approval?

My wife's dad lives in CA, I live in MA. So instead of flying out to see him, I made him a power point presentation.

quite true wrote:

No, intelligence and compassion are what keep up from acting like savages. Customs are what keep us closer to savagery. There are countries where women are killed by their own families if they are raped. That's custom too.

You sound like a douche. Who cares what you think.

Woman wrote:

You should ask him. It's respectful and classy. You shouldn't ask on the phone, though. If you plan to do it over the phone don't even bother. You should ask him in person.

Before I proposed I asked my father in law who at the time was president of international sales for a major US telecom--he was in Europe for a month at the time so I wasn't able to ask him in person. The call was well received so I wouldn't make a blanket statement about needing a big sit-down. Would agree in modern times this conversation is more a formality than anything else, but it proves to be very important for long-term relationship health esp if she is close to her father.

Honestly... wrote:

You sound like a douche. Who cares what you think.

You sound like a real renaissance man.

quite true wrote:

You sound like a real renaissance man.

Do you even know what that means?

LOL, what a tool.

Yes, that's why I used the term.

An "LOL" and "tool" in the same post? My you truly are an enlightened soul, aren't you?

LOL

I asked her father for permission and he told me no and that I wasnt good enough for her, so I entered a sailboat race around the world and ended up crashing on a strange island. I had to push a button every 108 minutes for 3 years to keep the world from being destroyed. I messed up once and a bunch of idiots crashed on the island with me. Eventually i got off the island and married her. We live on a boat now with our son Charlie. We named him after one of the survivors who died on the island.

That is something that should always be done. Even if the father is an a-hole, or you are marrying white trash.

I don't know, I probably won't do it unless her family is super-conservative. It's a silly tradition from back when everything was about standing in society and "good appearances" and all that Jane Austen BS.

Would any of us not propose if we weren't given the blessing?

Ginned Up wrote:

"Mr Smith, I plan to ask Sarah to marry me next week, and I wanted to make sure you and Mrs. Smith were aware that I was going to do so. I hope this comes as good news to the two of you, as I love your daughter and plan to treat her very well."

Something like that.

Meet for a drink, buy the drink. NO GIFTS!!!!!

I like what you said here. You're not asking; you're telling them you are planning to marry their daughter. You are showing them respect by forecasting your intentions. They can display mutual respect and say that they are happy, or they can show disrespect and say some b.s. about how your not financially ready etc.; it doesn't really matter what they say.

In my opinion, I think the key is to meet the Dad's (or both parents) expectations. Like many others have said, out of respect if for no other reason.

I'm sure there are many Dads out there who don't really care. And probably many that wouldn't want you to create an awkward situation by approaching him. But at the same time there are many Dads who would view it as respectful and meaningful. And I think it's wise to get an idea of what kind of future father in law you're dealing with. Hopefully if you and your girlfriend are ready for marriage you know each other well and this type of issue has been addressed either seriously or in a joking manner at some point.

That's my take. Don't be so hard-headed and have a little respect for her parents if it it'd be meaningful.

40 years ago. Her Dad was from the Old Country, quite traditional, and my wife-to-be pretty well insisted that I "ask". He was well-prepared beforehand; wife-to-be and her mother sat in the kitchen, Dad and I read, respectively, the newspaper and Time magazine, and after about thirty minutes I ventured that "You do understand why I'm here?" He responded "Yes and yes". Conversation over, everyone was pleased, and his daughter and I got married.

Five years ago, as the Dad (I too am from the Old Country, although a different one) my daughter hauled home her intended, and we too had the Little Talk. I was of course well-prepped beforehand, made mostly-agreeable noises from which my consent could be assumed, everyone was pleased, they got married, and now have a child, the First Grandson.

So it's a mostly harmless custom, and the "conversations", such as they are, are pretty standardized. There's very little pressure, and even if I were doubtful about my daughter's choice, I wouldn't have brought it up or withheld my approval. It is, after all, her choice.

Remember the scene in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" where the Corbett character asks Dad's permission, and Dad says "No".

That would almost never happen today.

First of all, sadly, the world is still very much about social standing and appearances. That is something you will learn very soon if you are still in school.

Secondly, yes, I would strongly reconsider the proposal if her father said that I did not have their blessing. I think what you anti-blessing people are forgetting is that you marry into a family. You are NEVER going to get a man or a woman to totally ditch their family, unless something horrible happened to them in their childhood. Even then, it would be hard.

If you absolutely do not get along with her parents, or they hate you, there are some unresolved issues that will poke their head through the hole at some point soon after marriage. This is more than just a silly custom.

I asked for her father's permission. Well I just told her mom and her dad in advance and that's pretty much the same. They loved it. Probably buys you some leeway for a future date.

I remember doing it, I was so freaking nervous.

I lived 3 states away and had to sneak into town to ask the father without my gf knowing I was in town. She still lived at home (well, had recently moved back home b/c I told her not to renew her lease). I took 2 days off of work (new job) and drove straight to a local restaurant where we were supposed to meet.

I picked someplace that neither of us would normally go, b/c we would have likely seen at least someone we knew, and word tends to spread...

He met me at the door, smiled, shook my hand and knew EXACTLY what I was doing. I simply said, very formally, I would like to ask Johanna for her hand in marriage, and I wanted your blessing before doing so. He laughed, punched my shoulder and we joked the rest of the meal. We met for breakfast, so there were no drinks.

My wife is pretty independent, liberal, what have you... Anyway, after I proposed and was telling her about the meal that I had eaten with her father, she just rolled her eyes, called us dorks and said we were so stupid. Much like she would have done if watching us cheer for our favorite football team.

IMHO, it is a harmless custom that means a lot to both the father and the son-to-be. It really helped us get to know each other better, and improved our relationship.

I think many girls' parents are hesitant to trust, embrace, get too close to boyfriends prior to knowing their intentions. All this custom really amounts to is letting her closest family members know of your intentions.

As the father of a daughter, I know that at 25, I will still feel responsible for my daughter. Not that I will try to run her life, or make her decisions, but i will want to know she is okay. She is only 3 now, so that might change, but I think it is just respect paid to the family.

As many people have said, you DO, in fact, marry into a family. No truer words have ever been spoken.

i asked both parents and they greatly apprecieated the gesture. I know of only one guy who didn't ask and he'll take shit for it for the rest of his life (jokingly that is...it's not that the in-laws were very offended).

asking the parents is a good tradition and a sign of respect. people who think otherwise truly suck.

i asked wrote:

people who think otherwise truly suck.

I don't know if they suck, but they are certainly taking a risk.

Some people like to constantly show their ass by proving that they don't have to conform to customary procedures. They claim they find them archaic or insulting. That is fine, but the problem is that other people do not necessarily agree with them.

Most women would agree that diamonds are a ridiculous joke. Yet, most women don't want to be the one girl who doesn't get one. I am not insulting women, I am simply stating that customs exist, and sometimes you are better off just sucking it up and conforming.

Usually, the people who refuse to conform are the abrasive type of people who tend to seriously annoy others anyway, so I guess it really wouldn't matter.

I totally understand though, I am that way with a lot of things in life. I have learned to accept certain things, and live with them.

Ginned Up wrote:

NO GIFTS!!!!!

I gave my bride's family two chickens(hens) for my wife. They enjoyed one that evening and still use the other for roosting. I would have given them a goat if she was able to cook a palatable meal.