Guys who proposed: did you ask her father for approval?

Ask for their "blessing" not their permission. And don't "inform" them if your intentions. That smacks of, Hey, I'm hitchin with your daughter, just so you know...

"I intend to ask Suzy to marry me. [Insert short sincere comment.] I wanted to call/talk to you first and ask for your blessing." Then shut up and let him gush.

My husband did not ask my father for permission prior to proposing marriage and that was my preference. I was 28, had been a self-sufficient adult for 10 years, knew we would be paying for our own wedding and did not need my father’s or anyone’s permission. In fact I would have been unhappy and felt offended had he done so and do not understand why people see this as a “classy” move.

Agreed. At the ages of 30 & 32 we were already living together 1500 miles away from her parents. It just never occured to me.

Who would you rather fight in the OCTAGON, Galen Rupp or Alberto Salazar?

Now THAT is funny.

...good question and merits a good answer.

Yes, you should ask for the 'blessing/approval' is it's more of a 'R E S P E C T' issue more than anything. And respect cuts both ways...if you want the father's respect, you earn it.

I know I did 'back in the day' when I got married. It's maybe 'old fashioned' but it is also the classly, gentleman like way to do things.

Years later, as a father, I would like the man marrying my daughter to have enough guts and respect to ask for my blessings as I did...as there's nothing wrong with a little 'old school!'

I didn't ask since it's not his call to make.

Why ask if you are not going to listen to the answer anyway?

Well, because you are doing more that marrying her, you are becoming part of a family - like it or not.

As others have said, it's classy and shows respect that wont be forgotten. And it's better to phrase it as "I hope that I would have your blessing" than asking permission.

I did this with my mother in law and I was in my late 30's.

I proposed to my gal in September '09. I initially thought of asking her dad, but I passed on it.

I think labeling this gesture as 'asking permission' is wrong. What you are doing is giving your future in-laws more of a heads up. I am relatively sure that they are expecting that this is coming and would like to know. I didn't make this gesture but we did go and tell them immediately following the proposal. We had dinner with her parents and mine and showed the ring. I think this is kind of the same thing. My philosophy is that telling them ahead of time would do nothing to sway my intentions so it was unnecessary. We had been seeing each other for 3 years, were embarking on new careers and were just ready. We got along well with each other's families and this was just the next step. That was a little over 18 years ago and everything has worked out fine.

I was 32 and my girlfriend (at the time) was 35, so I wrote her parents a letter telling them I was going to propose and when I was going to do it. This seemed like a good compromise between being traditional/showing respect and respecting my now wife's ability to make her own decision. Worked out well for everybody.

It is not the same thing. I am sure you will be okay, but be aware that somewhere, deep down, your future father-in-law feels a bit betrayed by you.

No, this just stinks of passive aggressiveness. Sorry. Although, at 32 and 35, it is rather unnecessary. By the time a woman is that old, they are pretty much just a hussy if they aren't married.

we were 30 and 31 living 1400 miles away from her family and I did go back over x-mas last year to talk with her father. they are from texas and it is something that is normal there. it was no big deal and there are no regrets. keeping your future family involved in the situation is a nice gesture.

if the family is close to your significant other, it makes sense. if there is no real close connection to the family, it would seem less important.

just my 2 cents

Stating the obvious wrote:

Well, because you are doing more that marrying her, you are becoming part of a family - like it or not.

As others have said, it's classy and shows respect that wont be forgotten. And it's better to phrase it as "I hope that I would have your blessing" than asking permission.

I did this with my mother in law and I was in my late 30's.

Yes others have said that. They were wrong too.

There is nothing "classy" about it. SHE is the first person who should know. THAT is what shows respect. To her.

Her parents have zero say in the matter. Asking them first or even informing them first says that you care about what they think over what she thinks. It also smacks of antiquated ideas about daughters as "property".

Want to be classy? Ask her. If she says yes, you can both tell her parents together. Maybe they will accept you. Maybe they won't. In the very least they should respect that you put HER answer above theirs.

I did not but I wish I had. I have no remorse over not asking him. I have a great relationship with both in-laws.

Nothing wrong with asking and her father will respect you for doing so.

quite true wrote:

Yes others have said that. They were wrong too.

There is nothing "classy" about it. SHE is the first person who should know. THAT is what shows respect. To her.

Her parents have zero say in the matter. Asking them first or even informing them first says that you care about what they think over what she thinks. It also smacks of antiquated ideas about daughters as "property".

Want to be classy? Ask her. If she says yes, you can both tell her parents together. Maybe they will accept you. Maybe they won't. In the very least they should respect that you put HER answer above theirs.

You are assuming the couple had not talked about marriage. Truthfully, the proposal itself is just an antiquated custom. The whole thing is a play of tradition.

It is a nice thing to do.

If you want to buck tradition, it is fine to not follow the custom, but be aware that other people like customs. Customs are what keep us from acting like savages. I am not saying that if we stop asking for permission, we become savages, but simply ruling it an antiquated custom is meaningless.

Obviously the proposal should come after a long discussion about marriage. Again, it is just a silly tradition to get the ball rolling. Anyone who proposes to a girl without knowing the answeris a moron.

Another big question is if her parents are divorced, do you ask both? One of my former teammates failed to do this and the future mother-in-law was not too happy about it. It never crossed my mind until I was made aware of this. And to answer the OP's question, go for it. You will feel better about it.

I didn't ask first and really didn't think of it at the time. It was the late 70s and times seemed less "traditional" than today. My nephew just got married and, at the reception, the bride's father spoke a bit, and made a point to tell the story of my nephew phoning to ask for his daughters hand (or maybe it was for his blessing)My nephew was stationed in Sand Diego at the time. Anyway, the father-of-the-bride said, in this day and age, it was unexpected but much appreciated.

As we all know, the best way to show respect for someone is to treat them like an object which can be owned by one man or another.

You should also pay dowry. It's traditional, why not?

The Truth Speaks Louder wrote:

You are assuming the couple had not talked about marriage.

No I am not

Truthfully, the proposal itself is just an antiquated custom. The whole thing is a play of tradition.

So is marriage itself.

If you want to buck tradition, it is fine to not follow the custom, but be aware that other people like customs. Customs are what keep us from acting like savages.

No, intelligence and compassion are what keep up from acting like savages. Customs are what keep us closer to savagery. There are countries where women are killed by their own families if they are raped. That's custom too.