Post-nuptial shutoff?

no names here either: good luck with your relationship. Did your wife used to run? Perhaps she can join a running club?

I can't imagine ever gaining weight with all the running/weight training I do. My boyfriend is not a runner, but he's in great shape without doing much about it. Sometimes I think it's a good thing that he doesn't run since I have time for myself at the gym and with my running buddies. That keeps our relationship interesting, I think. We are both busy with our own activities...But of course, that might tear us apart one day, too. I wish I knew!

dude get out of here with that crap, seriously - this is a good thread about guys being honest about marriage and sex and their annoyances / joysDO NOT bring in any religious crap

Sean Nunn wrote:

Sorry, guys, but not everyone has your sorry sob stories. I wish I could say we had it every night, but by the same token I can't complain. Maybe the problem was that you had pre-nuptial sex. Just a thought.

A question for the guys wrote:

no names here either: good luck with your relationship. Did your wife used to run? Perhaps she can join a running club?

I can't imagine ever gaining weight with all the running/weight training I do. My boyfriend is not a runner, but he's in great shape without doing much about it. Sometimes I think it's a good thing that he doesn't run since I have time for myself at the gym and with my running buddies. That keeps our relationship interesting, I think. We are both busy with our own activities...But of course, that might tear us apart one day, too. I wish I knew!

My wife used to run before we got married. That was 12 years ago and alot has changed since. She never ran because she loved it but did it because she wanted to stay fit and look good. That seems to be the problem. People who don't love to workout and just do it for looks never end up doing it past their late 20's consistantly. You have to love working out to make time for it if you are married and have kids.

anEconomist wrote:

dude get out of here with that crap, seriously - this is a good thread about guys being honest about marriage and sex and their annoyances / joys

DO NOT bring in any religious crap

Hey anEconomist. I like your posts around this forum, just so you know. I don't want to argue with you, just say one thing...

I don't agree with how this guy is patronizing other posters, but I will say that marriage is a very important religious sacrament for many people, so religion is not entirely unrelated.

I was actually going to ask if any religious folks could speak to any Bible verses on this issue, if there were any. i am interested to see if this topic has been covered.

Isn't it time for Flagpole Willy to show up to tell us how great his wife, his job, his house, his musicianship, AND his sex life is? I mean, this thread is tailored for him!

...I'm bored and killing time between classes...so sorry if I ramble...

‘Still Married and Happy’, sorry my post was a little confusing. I didn't mean that anyone should get married to uphold social structure. In fact I meant exactly the opposite. Many people get married for exactly that reason, more so in the past than nowadays. They often end up unhappy, questioning themselves as to what went wrong. Those individuals should never have married.

I’m not sure if I agree about the 'two type of bachelors’ comment. From my experience many guys are just confused, going for the casual hookups unaware of what they are really looking for. Lots of those guys really do want something long term and aspire to have something more than “I’ll give you a call”. They get the impression from others that going on the prowl are typical and normal for single guys. Many of those same guys eventually find their love (usually not one of the casual hookups) by chance...and then they change, realizing how unnecessary sleeping around was, others don’t care at all about their past behavior. I honestly don't think you could predict with great certainty the couples who will stay together and those who will fall apart based on the history of the male in that relationship (I know that’s not what you were saying). I have seen the most egotistical, self centered chauvinist guys, turn into great romantics and stay in healthy long term relationships. I have also witnessed some well mannered, polite and caring males turn into the biggest cheats out there.

I agree that most who play the field into their sixties are not as happy as those who are married. But the social structure is changing. Those who are in their 60’s and 70’s now had far greater pressure placed on them to marry (at least the males-I’m sure the feminist movement may have disrupted the expectations places on females). When the youth of today are 60-70 things might be a lot different.

On a side note, a profession of true love is difficult to interpret. Love is one of those words which connotations stretch into many areas of human emotion. Companionate love, passionate love, and desire love are all forms we are familiar with. Unfortunately, they are often very hard to distinguish and get a lot of relationships in trouble. The only advice I could give to another individual would be to wait until you are aware you have experienced as many forms of love as possible. Finally, when you feel you could not live without your partner, and they feel the same way you may want to look at marriage-even then there is no guarantee. If you don’t like someone’s personality, don’t marry them, core personality traits NEVER change.

To me a good test as to weather one really cares for another is the 'invisible hand'. To what extent do you do things for your partner that help their daily lives and that they will never know about? For example, you notice their car keys under a pillow, so you place them on the counter, you see they are getting low on their favorite food so you restock, you know they have to be up early so you prepare the coffee machine to run in the morning...its those little 'purely altruistic' behaviors that I believe can really affect things in a relationship. If you are both supporting one another without looking for a return you will get it. If she’s happy, she’s probably happy with the relationship which can only be good for you.

That’s my 2.6. Again, apologies for rambling…my last class finished early.

I'm certainly not going into any great detail, but kids definitely put a damper on the sex life, especially when they are 3 and under. Kids that age take a lot of time and energy, and not just HERS either. Quite honestly, when our second was a newborn and our oldest was 3, I didn't want it very often at all. Just a lot to get through the day. Much better now that the kids are older.

Also, most of you guys in your mid 20s will still not want it every day when you're 40, and for almost a certainty your girlfriend turned wife will not want to do it every day. Like someone else said, I probably wouldn't turn it down every day now that I'm 40, especially if my wife were the instigator, but it wouldn't be as good as when I'm really wanting it. I think for most fit 40 year olds that they still have the physical ability to do it every day, but as great as it is, it's not like is such a new thing. A 24 year old who has finally found a girlfriend who has regular sex with him is still in the new stages of this. At that age and experience level, nothing is better. When you're 40, watching a great movie with your wife and talking about it afterwards and then laughing about what the kids did that day...that is better.

quote]Wondering wrote:

Intersting thread.... I have been dating a girl for the past couple of years. The sex is infrequent, I am not teribly attracted to her but she is a saint. She cooks, she cleans, she goes running with me. We have similiar political views. She is a great friend. She is very smart. She is great with money and I think she will be a great mother.I have been thinking for a long time whether I should marry someone when I am not hot over her....But it sems like the sex would disappear (sp) anyway so maybe I am not giving up much...opinions?[/quote]

Been there done that -- worst mistake of my life so far. Get Out! Run Away![

Flagpole, great post. Thanks for your honesty.

Maybe a face transplant?

Always wanted a running gf but for one reason or another never happened. It would be nice to do the miles together as one grows older.

.

Sean Nunn wrote:

Sorry, guys, but not everyone has your sorry sob stories. I wish I could say we had it every night, but by the same token I can't complain. Maybe the problem was that you had pre-nuptial sex. Just a thought.

My wife and I did not have premaritial sex either, but I don't honestly know what that changed about the relationship. She told me that she would not have sex without being married when we first started dating seriously and I was not too worried about it at the time (I did not think that we would get married). I ended up falling in love with her and then we decided to get married. Shortly into the engagement I had a very frank discussion about a sexual relationship with her and told her that a physical relationship was an important part of our marriage to me and she agreed.

Then we got married and I got it often for a while, and now it has slowed to around three times a month at most after over three years but right now she is about to deliver our first child and I have not gotten any in a very long time. Honestly, I would love it more, but we are so busy and have other things to do that it is not necessarily a big deal.

My point is that I seriously doubt that whether you have premarital sex affects anythign about your relationship other than the woman knows that the man is not necessarily in the relationship to have sex with her. In fact my wife knows several couples that go married young just so they could have sex (she was a member of a campus religious organizaition when we met) and none of the three couples that got married when they were in school are even together any more.

My wife and I are best friends and have a lot of things in common. We enjoy doing things together and are very compatible. I don't see anything changing those feelings for the rest of my life, but the bottom line is that honestly I really don't see our virtuous engagement as a big part of the relationship

A question for the guys wrote:

no names here either: good luck with your relationship. Did your wife used to run? Perhaps she can join a running club?

She doesn't enjoy running. She used to bike with me while I ran, but she's given that up although I invite her along.

While I've made a couple of comments here about the weight gain, I do view her as my best friend. She even says stuff about how much she's gained, but she gets so discouraged that she gives up. The relationship is good; that's why I'm concerned about the weight. I'd like the relationship to last a long time; not find her dead from a heart attack in her mid-40's

Part of her weight gain probably stems from the fact that she would eat very little. As a result, her metabolism slowed down to protect her, and it's easy to put on weight.

And if you go back to the original question, we have a decent sex life. We'd probably do it more often if we didn't have to deal with the kids all the time. Even with her weight gain, I am still interested in her. The hard part is convincing her of that at times.

Don't go there wrote:

quote]Wondering wrote:

Intersting thread.... I have been dating a girl for the past couple of years. The sex is infrequent, I am not teribly attracted to her but she is a saint.....I have been thinking for a long time whether I should marry someone when I am not hot over her....But it sems like the sex would disappear, so maybe I am not giving up much...opinions?

Been there done that -- worst mistake of my life so far. Get Out! Run Away![/quote]

I wouldn't marry someone I'm not attracted to, as attraction fades with the years. So if you start with little chemistry, you would quickly become 'just friends.' On the other end of the spectrum, I'm not interested in just a 'pretty face' as we spend most of our time out of the bedroom (so to speak) and there's nothing sadder than someone with whom you can't talk. I should know as I'm dating someone who barely talks...OK, I know I'm being contradictory, but hey, nobody's perfect, as Billy Wilder would say.

I think the moral of the story for young guys is make sure your future wife is horny and likes sex. If she's indifferent before marriage, things will dry up completely. My wife is the former and for me it comes in spurts. She'll go into "heat" for about a week every month where things will be pretty active. But if she's sick or had a bad week with the kids that week than it can be a bit of a dry spell.

Don't go there wrote:

quote]Wondering wrote:

Intersting thread.... I have been dating a girl for the past couple of years. The sex is infrequent, I am not teribly attracted to her but she is a saint. She cooks, she cleans, she goes running with me. We have similiar political views. She is a great friend. She is very smart. She is great with money and I think she will be a great mother.I have been thinking for a long time whether I should marry someone when I am not hot over her....But it sems like the sex would disappear (sp) anyway so maybe I am not giving up much...opinions?

Been there done that -- worst mistake of my life so far. Get Out! Run Away![[/quote]

Why is an NRR posting "post of the day?"

fast eddy wrote:

Why is an NRR posting "post of the day?"

Say boy, why don't you go on home and spank the wheeze?

Alice Runner wrote:

Don't go there wrote:

quote]Wondering wrote:

Intersting thread.... I have been dating a girl for the past couple of years. The sex is infrequent, I am not teribly attracted to her but she is a saint.....I have been thinking for a long time whether I should marry someone when I am not hot over her....But it sems like the sex would disappear, so maybe I am not giving up much...opinions?

Been there done that -- worst mistake of my life so far. Get Out! Run Away!

I wouldn't marry someone I'm not attracted to, as attraction fades with the years. So if you start with little chemistry, you would quickly become 'just friends.' On the other end of the spectrum, I'm not interested in just a 'pretty face' as we spend most of our time out of the bedroom (so to speak) and there's nothing sadder than someone with whom you can't talk. I should know as I'm dating someone who barely talks...OK, I know I'm being contradictory, but hey, nobody's perfect, as Billy Wilder would say.[/quote]

Regarding this topic, if you truly love the person, they usually become more attractive and desireable to you. I've been to a couple batchelor parties where we ended up at strip clubs, and while the women were quite good looking, it really wasn't my cup of tea. I'd rather be with my wife any day, and of course I think she's hot, but she could put on the pounds and I'm pretty sure I'd feel the same. Everyone is different though. Some men need to be with a young lass forever which means of course that they can't be with the same woman all their lives. Glad I'm not one of them.

need data wrote:

Married guys: how long after the ceremony did it take for your wives to start shutting you off?

Before marriage, we had lock-the-door, forget-to-eat, what-day-is-it-today? sex.

Over eleven years of marriage, we've managed two amazing kids in between five miscarriages/stillbirths. There have been two periods over a year long when we didn't have sex at all. Sex isn't quite the same when the consequences have been painful or when you are having it with the intent of getting pregnant.

Now that the kids are older-- and the wife thinks that she is too old to get pregnant-- the pressure is off and sex has become fun again.

Yes, it would've been great if we always had incredible sex, but it is far from the top of the list of things that I would change if I could.

This book says women should be more attentive to men's sexual needs. I haven't read it just heard the woman on the radio. But women bitch about their husbands and won't have sex with him. Yet if they had more sex their husbands might treat them better.

The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage (Hardcover)

by Dr. Laura Schlessinger

http://www.amazon.com/Proper-Care-Feeding-Marriage/dp/0061142840

What about sex? Are wives obligated to give their husbands sex on demand?

http://www.harpercollins.com/author/authorExtra.aspx?authorID=8708&isbn13=9780060520618&displayType=bookinterview

As a woman who happens to believe that orgasms are a fabulous gift and blessing from God, I am amazed at how many women callers are willing to give them up to the gods of "I'm tired," or "I'm annoyed." Now, anyone can not be in the mood from time to time — that's natural. However, the denigration of male sexual needs (They are just animals) and the use of sex to punish or control (You didn't do what I wanted) and inappropriate prioritizing (My work and children take all my energy) are self-centered and self-defeating. I ask my women callers who complain that their husbands are not happy with virtually no sexual intimacy (and, by the way, that's what the men truly feel about sex with their wives — it's the ultimate in 'acceptance and approval' for them) if they would be satisfied with that profound a rejection and dismissal. They always say, "No, I guess not." Frankly, too many women treat their husbands as accessories instead of priorities.

and this:

from some article:

http://www.freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070123/COL02/701230304/1081

Dear Dr. Feelgood: My girlfriends are telling me about a new book by Dr. Laura Schlessinger that promises us all perfect marriages. They've read out loud to me, however, a section where Dr. Laura insists wives should have sex with their husbands even if they don't feel like it, "the same way he is obligated to go to work and support the family even when he doesn't feel like it."

Isn't this like comparing a bra to a briefcase? Or an orgasm to a time clock?

Dear Not Quite Ready: I'm not quite ready, either, to say anything conclusive about this because I'm wondering what your husband is obligated to do for you if you also work to support the family -- maybe leave you alone?

In any case, when I was younger, I would have dismissed Dr. Laura's mandate as toenail clippings.

When I was younger, a new and ardent feminist, I believed women owed nothing to men, not even their husbands, because the Patriarchy had oppressed women for so many eons.

Now it was our turn to do as we please, whenever we can squeeze that in around taking care of our housemate and maybe even our children.

So, hell no, you don't say yes to sex if you'd rather read the latest issue of Martha Stewart Living. You don't say yes to sex if you're feeling pained in any way. You don't say yes if 10 more minutes of sleep sounds better.

You embrace your rights, hold your ground and lock your legs.

The things we do for love

Having been married for more than 20 years, however, my outlook has changed. I remain a feminist; women deserve equity and fairness, in commerce, in law and in love.

But years of cohabitation has made it clear that doing for each other what we don't feel like doing is enriching, not demeaning. It's what makes love last.

We don't call these acts obligations. We call them gifts.

In a good marriage, gifts are exchanged each day. They include scraping windshields, welcoming alien family and picking up dead mice. They include waiting up later than we hoped, and paying attention longer than we expected.

Re-making love each day requires both partners to say yes to each other as often as they can, to soothe and feed each other. Sex is not the only way. But it's one way.