It’s time to face the truth. For too long, we’ve turned a blind eye while athletes openly consume a dangerous, performance-enhancing substance; one that’s readily available in cookies, pretzels, pancakes, and even (gasp) pickles.
That’s right. Bicarbonate. The menace that’s turning our once-pure sport into a glorified bake sale! Elite runners have been carb loading on bicarb-laced bread for years.
1) Pickle juice is a well-known "electrolyte hack" clearly an underground buffering agent.
2) Club soda? A legalized form of lactic acid resistance.
3) Pretzels? Well, don’t get me started. If you’ve ever raced against someone who had a salty, pH-balanced snack before toeing the line, you’ve already been a victim of this scandal!
The solution is clear:
1) USADA must raid bakeries immediately.
2) Anti-doping agencies should test for pre-race biscuit consumption.
3) WADA must consider banning all athletes who have ever eaten a muffin.
We cannot allow the sport to be tainted by covert cookie-doping and the rampant abuse of naturally occurring, completely legal food ingredients.
It’s time to clean up our sport.
Ban pretzels. Save the future of running!