Wife's Ex is demanding we help pay for kids college I said NO!!!!

Why would he want a 22 year old man with a shaved cooch?

The last part describes me especially well and from an angle that I didnt really think about until I read it (the growing up hating your father part that drives you to succeed).

Some of these posts are triggering for me because I faced so many obstacles as an aspiring D1 male athlete and affording college.

I wrote out this post several times and deleted most of the content.

In the end I just want the O.P. to realize how hard it is to succeed when the odds are stacked against you. I felt like I was suffocating much of the time. Very stressed out. I resent both of my biological parents as a result.

I don't have advice but just wanted to say, props for not mindlessly shoveling money at the educational-industrial complex.

You’re not very good with money if you have a soon be college age kid and that much student loan debt. Especially degrees that only provide a moderate income. However, I do agree that young people shouldn’t just be given that much money for college. Does the kid have a part time / summer job? Are you teaching him what it means to work? Does he pay his own car insurance? Anyways I would just ignore the deadbeat biological. He can support the kid how he wants and you can support how you do. The thing is at age 18 he’s not a kid anymore anyways. Whatever you get from your parents at age 18 is charity.

You call him your son and say you've been in his life for 14 years. Do you love him? Don't make him pay for his biological father's mistakes.

Wow, is this a regular thing to pay the college expenses for another man's child? Does this go for weddings also? Maybe if the dad was dead then I could see it but he is still around so he can sell a kidney or cosign for the loans. Biden will probably forgive them so I would encourage the kid to take out as much debt as he can. By the time he graduates it will be a non-issue.

How on earth does your wife still have to much student loan debt? That's nuts. Part of the problem is that whatever income and assets she has, will be used against her son in evaluating his financial offers from whatever colleges he applies to. Are you legally obligated to give him money? No. Is she/you morally obligated to give him money? That's up to you, but it'd be nice to at least chip in a little.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like stepdad (OP) has very fixed ideas of what his step-son/a man should do: excel in sports and join the military. My guess is when step-son goes to see his dad, he confides his dislike of these things and step-dad supports him in coming up with other plans: quitting sports; applying for school instead of the military. Step dad is withholding fee money because he’s resentful of son not fitting his mold of what HE thinks a man should do. Dad is telling him he should pay both because he can afford it, but also because it’s sh**y to punish kids for not being who you want them to be. Come to terms with the fact that your stepson isn’t going to be a war hero or a star athlete. He can be very successful in a field he chooses. It’s fair not to support him lying around the house, but refusing to pay college just because he’s not choosing your life path sucks and will make him less likely to be successful if he’s miserable.

Should read, “dad supports him in coming up with other solutions.” Sounds like dad is asking for fee money because he probably told son he’d talk to you about attending college rather than being pushed into the military.

I don't want to post - i admire you just from your response. It is difficult to navigate the system, because it is indeed set up with the expectations parents will pay and if they do not do so, well, a young person could struggle.

I have good adults to thank - people such as Larry Ellis at Princeton who apprised me what I was in for with my family. My father, who told everyone he was a NCAA champion and Olympian in Rome (this was published in the Chicago Tribune 10 years back) when we was only a NCAA finalist in the javelin (impressive to me as he got kicked out of two schools for criminal conduct and managed to throw the javelin at his third school). Apparently my father harangued Ivy League athletic directors, accusing them of hiding athletic scholarships that they secretly gave out! When I dropped my kid off at Princeton for the first time 10 years , I was saddened that I never properly thanked Coach Ellis. I should have done so. Any program of relying on my father would have resulted in me being kicked out of school for financial reasons. He didn't have to explain this to me, but he did and it could not have been easy. The school I chose did not have a helpful athletic department - they were not used to poor people - and really not used to poor athletic people who were admitted in the top 20 percent of the class because they just figured we would make it. Their best runners went to fancy prep schools. The faculty itself was excellent though and went out of their way to look out for me, pushing me into an incredibly competitive honors program where I finished my thesis on a heavy IBM Selectric well into the night after running the Penn 4 x mile I was consistently surprised at how much effort they put into making me perform in the classroom. I never loved getting yelled at so much. I did well enough . I mention this because in spite of the poverty and social outcast problems with my situation, I had a lot of freedom - much more than if I had to communicate with parents - and I liked the freedom and was not a victim. This is why, while different parents have different approaches, honesty and integrity in communication is what matters.

My brother and I differ, although I respect his thoughts and I understand his anger. He went to one of the schools my father got kicked out of, and he was phi beta kappa in math and with a gpa of 4.0. It was obvious where his motivation came from. At the end of the day you have to be happy. Your point about putting kids three steps behind by not supporting them is a great one, though, and I do have moments of upset when I think about the starvation diet I was on (I had a 70 percent scholarship with no board), with no dental visits for five years, no eye doctor with horrible eyesight, and so on. But I was no victim - i got very comfortable looking in the mirror and acknowledging that is who I had to please. And note, on this message board, there are many just like me, with even better achievements.

The thought process on this is why is it my responsibility to pay for the fact that his biological has not bettered himself financially?

Why did you marry a woman with a young child if you weren’t prepared to take on the responsibility of being a parent?

If you married a woman with an adult kid and they asked you for something, it might be one thing to say you didn’t expect that responsibility, but you married a woman with a toddler and have been in his life for 14 years and you’re angry that you have obligations?

You want to harp on everyone else taking responsibility and being a man and the rest of it, while you refuse any parental responsibility to a kid who has been in your life for most of his. How can you teach him about being responsible when you refuse to take any accountability for your choice to enter a child’s life?

It was never an issue until he got married to a women with 3 kids then it was money, money, money from him to us.

Lets be real her my dad and I are close my dad's net income was well over 7 figures when he was working and he made it clear that college was on me he would not contribute. It was the best thing he ever did for me. I am self sufficient and have been from a young age. My high school best friend parents paid for college and everything else for him financially he is now a drug addict and struggles. He has yet to find a career, or a stable life at age 39.

Yes, you also knew the ex sucked when you married your wife. Otherwise she wouldn’t have left him. He’s probably annoying to have to deal with, but you knew you were marrying a woman who came with baggage.

Taking that out on the kid isn’t fair. He will resent you, she may also start resenting you if she feels you’re putting her in the position of siding with you or with her kid, and it won’t change how the ex feels or acts.

The late wife and I never had a combined income over $140K.

Paid off the student loans, paid of the house, paid of the cars, fully-funded 529 accounts for both kids, and a couple mil saved for retirement. One kid was not sports minded, but he earned a half-ride academic scholarship. The other was a relatively gifted athlete who we encouraged not quite to the point of "pushing", but certainly invested in training, coaches, and travel. An injury just before freshman year of high school knocked her out of athletics just as the colleges were starting to sniff around. Certainly, in our case, the brain got more scholarship money than the brawn.

No fancy vacations, no McMansion, just good clean frugal living.

So, don't be so selfish, chip in a few bucks to invest in the kid's future. You might need him some day.

You have children who are 14+ yrs old and still have $120k+ in student loan debt? Ouch.

I have an idea what if I do a go fund me and all of you that have a serious opinion help pay to show me how much of a loser I am? The catch is if you disagree then you need to shut up because you are no different and are opinionated and would not pay for your kids education either and would expect them to take out loans also!

My dad is from an extremely poor developing country and grew up in complete poverty - like no shoes, no food, tin shack. When it became obvious he was clever and he did well on the entrance exams, everyone in his family sacrificed to send him to school. An uncle who lived in the UK working as a janitor scrimped and saved and sent back money. When he got into university abroad, everyone put in what they could, and would send whatever money they had for him to be a success, often taking money from their own needs. He did succeed, which allowed him to raise children out of poverty all of whom now have great professional jobs. He now sends money back to all the family who supported him, built the family a new home in a safe area, sponsors our cousins to go to school, and so on.