I did forget to point out in the OP. The further clarification is there was no planning in this. Last year my wife even asked our son if wanted to go to college he responded with he did not like school and originally wanted to do the military. His biological is now coming at us with the college bill that we need to pay. It is not like this was planned for a long period of time.
"Doing it on your own" is very different than it used to be. Do you want to contribute some to the schooling? Why wouldn't you want to pay part of the share?
The reason being is because he was in sports when he lived with us and his biological took him out of them and told him he did not have the time to assist in his participation. There for his biological prevented him from scholarship opportunities which I think if his biological wants to pay he should pay the scholarship share that he would have possibly earned. His half sister is a year and half younger and is already being scouted for her sports which will provide the scholarship funding. Also we have our own debts we are paying off and the private university he was accepted to is $45,000 a year I am not going to pile a close to $2,000 bill on our budget when it is not necessary.
How do you guys get into these pickles? When you marry a person with kids, you're always expected to pick up the tab as a responsible "parent". But if there was any disciplining that needed to be done, you suddenly aren't their "parent" anymore.
Why is there always one piece of s*!t that has to do this in every post? Let me guess you are single and unemployed?
Quite the opposite. The OP had a catchy subject line but the text didn’t read well. You need to engage the reader better to get good responses.
I’m happily married with a kid about to go to college. We will pay for everything, even if it comes down to loans now to pay later. Though, it’s easier to do this if you raise your children together.
Not mentioned anywhere is this thread is that college is a luxury not a necessity.
Your spoiled kid needs to figure out how to pay for his gender studies degree.
I don't think you have to call them spoiled, but I do otherwise agree. College/University is not a life necessity. If the ADULT child thinks that a degree will help their career, then the do that. If not, then they don't.
I have already lived this saga, and do you know the end result? My daughter got a near full-ride because she was an honor student with high test scores, and she graduates next semester. She has a modest amount of school loans because she lived out of state and used it to supplement her job income.
And you know what? She isn't going to go into that field after all. She realized about this past Thanksgiving that she doesn't care for the field, but since she is so close, she's finishing it and will then think about what to do next.
Did you deploy while you were in the military? My son did while in the guard. Went to the sandbox and never came back the same mentally. There is a very high suicide rate in military right now. I personally would rather pay some tuition. I think a kid should not go military unless they want to, not to pay for school. Although, he’s your kid. You can decide for yourself.
Help your kid go to college man. I have a stepson and am paying his way cause his dad is a dead beat. Rules are simple though, get a proper degree that matters Lawyer, business, medical, science engineering etc... . You try getting a gender studies degree or art history and you are on your own.
"Doing it on your own" is very different than it used to be. Do you want to contribute some to the schooling? Why wouldn't you want to pay part of the share?
The reason being is because he was in sports when he lived with us and his biological took him out of them and told him he did not have the time to assist in his participation. There for his biological prevented him from scholarship opportunities which I think if his biological wants to pay he should pay the scholarship share that he would have possibly earned. His half sister is a year and half younger and is already being scouted for her sports which will provide the scholarship funding. Also we have our own debts we are paying off and the private university he was accepted to is $45,000 a year I am not going to pile a close to $2,000 bill on our budget when it is not necessary.
Youre screwed either way.
You either will lose this argument and have to pay more per month.
Or, even if you win the argument, you still will realize that you have raised another man's kid.
Calling him a "biological" is pretty disrespectful. The proper term is father. He is the kid's father. You will never be the father.
Why is there always one piece of s*!t that has to do this in every post? Let me guess you are single and unemployed?
Quite the opposite. The OP had a catchy subject line but the text didn’t read well. You need to engage the reader better to get good responses.
I has a hard time reading it, too. I think the post should have been three or four sentences to be clearer.
1. Yes. His biological father is out of line. If anyone one asks you to help pay for your child's education, it should be your child.
2. You make enough money to help out. If you don't want to, that's your business. Though I'm not sympathetic to your cause to not help with your children's college.
My father abandoned my brother and me and my mother my junior high years. My mother had real problems and could not hold a job and her health was in peril. My father was very well off (top quarter of one percent in income ), but he had ravenous tastes with young women and country clubs and expenses. Gambling too. Thank goodness for track scholarships for my brother and me - even community college would have been difficult for the dearth of public transportation, And i sure as heck didn't have any marketable job or trade skills.
I never felt entitled to a college education. My mom was poor and sick. Keeping her alive was what mattered. It became a life long job and I did not do nearly as well as it as I should have. My biggest regret. I had very high grades and high scores, but knew college was a privilege for the well off. What I did feel entitled to was honest communication. That never came. My father did not want to spend a dime, but wanted to tell his peers his kids were going to great schools. An ego thing. It dawned on me early in my senior year I could not trust him, as this was verified by D1 coaches i was beginning to trust, and went through the painful process of telling two Ivy League schools no go due to finances and no ability to file for financial aid (if I was early on told the truth, I never would have led them along). My father thought I was a fat dumb and lazy loser and often told me so (although he never could have done anything academically or athletically approaching what I did), and think now his abuse was a device to avoid talking openly about things like college.
In any event, the young man here deserves a clear message as to what his mother (even with support from her current spouse) and his biological father are willing to do. No sugarcoating, no equivocation. No ancillary emotion about not pursuing athletic scholarships. The kid needs to know the ground rules. I can tell you in my case the lack of honesty caused a life long rift, and my father, exceedingly well known in track circles before going into business, died without any communication from his sons in over a decade. I could not imagine a worse relationship between and father and his kids. I was not particularly angry with him but just stayed away at all costs. My brother, an excellent D1 runner and one of the most successful investors in the country today and an Econ Phd, and with an intellect that can take the air out of a room, woke up every morning hating my father and in some part it drove his motivation and success. Not sure it if is worth it. My brother is an excellent and supportive father, I might add, though. I found out about my father's death last year from one of his former runners, one of the great number of his scholarship athletes, who was far more anguished about his passing than I was, but who demonstrated a great deal of decency in reaching out to call. Again, I can't emphasize enough the importance of open and honest communication. These issues of trust are worth more than money issues.
My kids went to the Ivy League schools I could not attend (tried not to influence them), but I told them early on all would be paid for, including a car, study in Europe, clothes and so on. You can bet I upheld my end of the bargain, even if not easy.
Now years later they recognize the extent of the support and appreciate it, and I get it - parenting is not for those looking for immediate gratification.
Get your own debt paid off! Until then, you’re not in a position to help. The best way you can help your child is by showing them how to be a responsible adult emotionally and financially. Don’t like this advice? Too bad, you asked for our input!
A little background my wife and I are both educated we both have multiple master’s degrees. Income wise we make close to $200K however we did it on our own. My wife has heavy student loan debt close to $100K, I have minor loan debt $20K as I attended college on Track and XC Scholarship. My wife had a son prior to our marriage. The issue is the son’s biological does not make much money and recently married a woman with 3 kids already. The money need has somehow become the topic of conversation whenever he talks to us. Now our son I say our son as I have been in his life for over 14 years is applying to colleges and his biological is talking about how we need to help pay for college. We do well but have already been clear to both of our children that college is on you guys as in we will co-sign loans, but we are not going into additional debt when there are ways to get a degree without crazy debt. His biological was pissed when I said not happening, I am not going to pile on an additional mortgage payment when he can join the military and pay for school or take out loans himself. His biological also did not push sports on him when he wanted him to come live with him which limited scholarship opportunity. Years ago his biological paid us like $200 a month far less then he was required to pay we never made a big fuss over it. It is getting exceptionally annoying dealing with his especially when he starts demanding money for stuff that nobody assisted with me or my wife for. I get college is important but I did it on my own and I expect my kids to go but to do it themselves I think it is part of the first step of being an adult. Also Student loans can be deferred if needed while they are establishing themselves post college graduation.
Don't have an answer, but I'd like to give you some insight next time you have to deal with your wife's ex-husband:
Next time you see him, think this to yourself or out loud softly: "This man has seen my wife's butthole." How bout that, sailor?
Your numbers don’t add up. Are you saying you and your wife still have student loan debt this far out of college? The only problem with not helping pay for school is your step child’s financial aid packages will be impacted by your wife’s income. They charge more for school now because they give out so much federal financial aid (they charge people with money more so that they can charge people without money less). It’s the modern Robinhood college system.