I appreciate the many nice replies and advices here.
It is hard to swallow, but yes, as one stated, if that happened, I am not really that committed, at least as I thought I was. However, not to speak highly of me, but through these years I've had many opportunities and temptations and I was always able to follow my rational side with woman as beautiful as this one. I've been told by many woman that I am an attractive guy and that feels like a curse because I am weak and fall for girls often. I might sound like an arrogant and I am sorry if I do but it is much easier to be faithful if you're not deemed as an attractive person by beautiful woman. It certainly hasn't been easy for me to remain faithful. But I totally get it - I am not a victim and don't need to justify when it is clear that I am wrong in doing what I am doing.
I was just weaker this time and could not resist. The fact we were in a plane certainly had an impact as I felt I had "no escape" other than continuing with the talking and flirting (I did not want to "escape" but if you're in your day to day it is much easier to get distracted). Long trips also can feel like somewhat a "dream" before you go back to "real life". This time I was not strong enough to resist and I am still to understand why. It seems I did like this woman way more than average as the texting continues, though somewhat occasionally.
Believe me, this story is true and I am in a mix of real pain, thrilling excitement but also fear. Fear of devastating the woman that has been at my side in some very tough moments I went through, devastating our families and everyone else getting excited with the wedding.
Sure, if you are attractive, you’ll have an easier time picking up women if you are looking. But don’t fool yourself into thinking it’s any harder to remain faithful if that is your honest intent. It’s like saying that women have a harder time remaining faithful because they typically have many more opportunities than men. But that’s not the case, because fideltiy is more about your intentions.
If you start conversations with women in flirtatious ways, don’t be surprised when you get yourself into sketchy situations that require restraint. You can avoid having to use that restraint if you don’t get neck deep in the first place.
Not judging at all, but that outcome is your choice. I think you like the attention and didn’t mention your girl until the feelings were already there for a while. You like the thrill and thought you could slow things down if needed. But when you open Pandora’s Box, don’t be surprised if it becomes something you can’t control.
Yes. I agree. You are right. That was exactly what happened. I enjoy the thrill and will admit that. Who doesn't, right? We all do. But i do believe some are stronger in controlling their feelings and/or more committed, which I believe is somewhat impacted by how your relationship is going. Not blaming the relationship for what happened, just stating that all relationships have ups and downs and in a down moment you become more exposed and fragile to make mistakes.
in past occasions where this might have happened I was always on control and could slow things down. This situation made me lose control completely. It is crazy. I feel like the next two weeks of my life will be so tough, but I asked for it.
Sure, if you are attractive, you’ll have an easier time picking up women if you are looking. But don’t fool yourself into thinking it’s any harder to remain faithful if that is your honest intent. It’s like saying that women have a harder time remaining faithful because they typically have many more opportunities than men. But that’s not the case, because fideltiy is more about your intentions.
If you start conversations with women in flirtatious ways, don’t be surprised when you get yourself into sketchy situations that require restraint. You can avoid having to use that restraint if you don’t get neck deep in the first place.
Not judging at all, but that outcome is your choice. I think you like the attention and didn’t mention your girl until the feelings were already there for a while. You like the thrill and thought you could slow things down if needed. But when you open Pandora’s Box, don’t be surprised if it becomes something you can’t control.
Yes. I agree. You are right. That was exactly what happened. I enjoy the thrill and will admit that. Who doesn't, right? We all do. But i do believe some are stronger in controlling their feelings and/or more committed, which I believe is somewhat impacted by how your relationship is going. Not blaming the relationship for what happened, just stating that all relationships have ups and downs and in a down moment you become more exposed and fragile to make mistakes.
in past occasions where this might have happened I was always on control and could slow things down. This situation made me lose control completely. It is crazy. I feel like the next two weeks of my life will be so tough, but I asked for it.
Totally. Like I said, no judgment. You’re human. The question is, now that the weaknesses of your relationship have been exposed and you do infact have these feelings, what are you going to do about it?
Regardless of what you do, you can still come out with your head hanging high. Doesn’t mean you’re a bad guy. But make a decision and commit to it. Chances are you know already deep down, and dragging this out helps no one.
Yes. I agree. You are right. That was exactly what happened. I enjoy the thrill and will admit that. Who doesn't, right? We all do. But i do believe some are stronger in controlling their feelings and/or more committed, which I believe is somewhat impacted by how your relationship is going. Not blaming the relationship for what happened, just stating that all relationships have ups and downs and in a down moment you become more exposed and fragile to make mistakes.
in past occasions where this might have happened I was always on control and could slow things down. This situation made me lose control completely. It is crazy. I feel like the next two weeks of my life will be so tough, but I asked for it.
Totally. Like I said, no judgment. You’re human. The question is, now that the weaknesses of your relationship have been exposed and you do infact have these feelings, what are you going to do about it?
Regardless of what you do, you can still come out with your head hanging high. Doesn’t mean you’re a bad guy. But make a decision and commit to it. Chances are you know already deep down, and dragging this out helps no one.
I appreciate your inputs. Serious response: I honestly don't know, but the closest to an answer is probably this that I'll elaborate. I take my wedding seriously am I am a bit scared to get married and have that feeling... "that's it". I do love the woman I am about to spend the rest of my life with. But now I got to know this woman that is so attractive and interesting and put a question into my head. Am I 100% sure to get married? Probably not. Nobody is 100% sure. Am I 90% sure? 95% sure? Yes. Is this woman a better fit for me than the woman that endured with me many hard situations over the last 5+ years and who's a true partner? Most likely, she is not. But the question is there. Maybe, just maybe, there's a tiny percentage that she is. It is really hard to control that feeling of wanting to know the person better so that I have these answers. Most likely she'd lose her magic and I'd be fine.
Totally. Like I said, no judgment. You’re human. The question is, now that the weaknesses of your relationship have been exposed and you do infact have these feelings, what are you going to do about it?
Regardless of what you do, you can still come out with your head hanging high. Doesn’t mean you’re a bad guy. But make a decision and commit to it. Chances are you know already deep down, and dragging this out helps no one.
I appreciate your inputs. Serious response: I honestly don't know, but the closest to an answer is probably this that I'll elaborate. I take my wedding seriously am I am a bit scared to get married and have that feeling... "that's it". I do love the woman I am about to spend the rest of my life with. But now I got to know this woman that is so attractive and interesting and put a question into my head. Am I 100% sure to get married? Probably not. Nobody is 100% sure. Am I 90% sure? 95% sure? Yes. Is this woman a better fit for me than the woman that endured with me many hard situations over the last 5+ years and who's a true partner? Most likely, she is not. But the question is there. Maybe, just maybe, there's a tiny percentage that she is. It is really hard to control that feeling of wanting to know the person better so that I have these answers. Most likely she'd lose her magic and I'd be fine.
Yeah it’s a tough choice. Sometimes when you know, you know and there aren’t questions. But lots of people can be plenty happy with being 95% sure. By the way, that’s a lot higher than the “tiny percentage” chance you’re giving the other girl.
If those are really your percentages, dude, put your curiosity to bed and pick 95% over the 10% because it’s not even a choice. And chances are if you somehow wound up with the plane chick, you’d be feeling this all over again with some other girl in a few years. If you are really that sure, you should just marry your girl and your anxieties will likely disappear once you tie the knot.
On the other hand, maybe you have more true doubts than you want to acknowledge, and maybe your values don’t align. If that’s the case, don’t force something because of your history with her.
In any case, hope you get some peace with this. Once you pick a path, you’ll have vastly less anxiety.
If you were already married, you would likely come to realize and accept that this situation and your feelings for this new girl will pass with time.
As someone already shared, the fact that you’re currently living together has complicated the situation.
You asked for our advice - personally I would stick it out and get married. Good luck to you.
I've been told that "looks or beauty" should rank about tenth among "qualities to look for in a mate." That was said to me by one of my brothers who was married to his first wife for over 30 years. He is remarried and seems happy. I'm older than him and wonder if I should ever take the plunge as I like great-looking women.
Regardless, I do think I rate "gorgeousness" way too highly. It's been known to wear off as we men love millions of good-looking women. It's hard for one woman to be that!
we're together for 5+ years and wedding scheduled to happen early next year. I love her and our life story, but reality is we live together for quite a while now (3+ years) and we're in a kind of tedious phase. She's a runner, she has a good job, she's nice and all and we get along very well, really. Just no surprises anymore. Just routine.
i fell badly for one person that I met in a flight two weeks ago, spent hours talking with and continued since them. Just chatting via text. She doesn't live in the same city but would be realistic to date her if I was not committed (easy short flight). She has pretty much the same age of my current partner (both 30). She knows I am committed to someone as I told her after a few hours during the flight (but not that I am getting married). She's very respectful but she admitted she likes me a lot and doesn't know what to do either.
it is a very complicated situation and I know many of you have experienced something similar.
it is hard, and unfair even, to compare the love you feel for your long term partner and the attractiveness of an adventure -- or more than an adventure I should say, now a person that I know reasonably well and sincerely like.
i know what is the "right thing to do". Eliminate this new woman from my life and focus on the wedding and then raising a family with my long-term partner.
but if I am honest to myself -- this is not what I sincerely want to do. I've been thinking of many crazy scenarios in my head including ending the relationship and wedding plans, which rationally, I know it is crazy.
you can judge me but as the plane landed me and this other woman kissed, which made 50% of me feel absolutely terrible afterwards, and the other 50% wanting more. I was not going to admit this here because I know many will judge me, and maybe I am just a terrible person, but it was stronger than me. Maybe I am just very weak and can't hold to the values I speak of.
we apologized to each other but can't control the texting since then.
it has been very very difficult and I am in serious pain with the dilemma "desperately want to do" x "rationally should do".
The concepts of monogamy and religion...ruining people since....well for a long time lol.
we're together for 5+ years and wedding scheduled to happen early next year. I love her and our life story, but reality is we live together for quite a while now (3+ years) and we're in a kind of tedious phase. She's a runner, she has a good job, she's nice and all and we get along very well, really. Just no surprises anymore. Just routine.
i fell badly for one person that I met in a flight two weeks ago, spent hours talking with and continued since them. Just chatting via text. She doesn't live in the same city but would be realistic to date her if I was not committed (easy short flight). She has pretty much the same age of my current partner (both 30). She knows I am committed to someone as I told her after a few hours during the flight (but not that I am getting married). She's very respectful but she admitted she likes me a lot and doesn't know what to do either.
it is a very complicated situation and I know many of you have experienced something similar.
it is hard, and unfair even, to compare the love you feel for your long term partner and the attractiveness of an adventure -- or more than an adventure I should say, now a person that I know reasonably well and sincerely like.
i know what is the "right thing to do". Eliminate this new woman from my life and focus on the wedding and then raising a family with my long-term partner.
but if I am honest to myself -- this is not what I sincerely want to do. I've been thinking of many crazy scenarios in my head including ending the relationship and wedding plans, which rationally, I know it is crazy.
you can judge me but as the plane landed me and this other woman kissed, which made 50% of me feel absolutely terrible afterwards, and the other 50% wanting more. I was not going to admit this here because I know many will judge me, and maybe I am just a terrible person, but it was stronger than me. Maybe I am just very weak and can't hold to the values I speak of.
we apologized to each other but can't control the texting since then.
it has been very very difficult and I am in serious pain with the dilemma "desperately want to do" x "rationally should do".
The concepts of monogamy and religion...ruining people since....well for a long time lol.
LOL This kid is living with his gf. Obviously is either an atheist or some eastern religion, so yea I guess one of those two religions ruining him.
we're together for 5+ years and wedding scheduled to happen early next year. I love her and our life story, but reality is we live together for quite a while now (3+ years) and we're in a kind of tedious phase. She's a runner, she has a good job, she's nice and all and we get along very well, really. Just no surprises anymore. Just routine.
i fell badly for one person that I met in a flight two weeks ago, spent hours talking with and continued since them. Just chatting via text. She doesn't live in the same city but would be realistic to date her if I was not committed (easy short flight). She has pretty much the same age of my current partner (both 30). She knows I am committed to someone as I told her after a few hours during the flight (but not that I am getting married). She's very respectful but she admitted she likes me a lot and doesn't know what to do either.
it is a very complicated situation and I know many of you have experienced something similar.
it is hard, and unfair even, to compare the love you feel for your long term partner and the attractiveness of an adventure -- or more than an adventure I should say, now a person that I know reasonably well and sincerely like.
i know what is the "right thing to do". Eliminate this new woman from my life and focus on the wedding and then raising a family with my long-term partner.
but if I am honest to myself -- this is not what I sincerely want to do. I've been thinking of many crazy scenarios in my head including ending the relationship and wedding plans, which rationally, I know it is crazy.
you can judge me but as the plane landed me and this other woman kissed, which made 50% of me feel absolutely terrible afterwards, and the other 50% wanting more. I was not going to admit this here because I know many will judge me, and maybe I am just a terrible person, but it was stronger than me. Maybe I am just very weak and can't hold to the values I speak of.
we apologized to each other but can't control the texting since then.
it has been very very difficult and I am in serious pain with the dilemma "desperately want to do" x "rationally should do".
I will not judge you, but I WILL tell you what you should do and WHY you should do it, and I will do so to prevent heartache down the road for you, but mostly for your wife-to-be.
1) You should call off the wedding, and the sooner the better. If at age 35 you are still wanting "surprises", you are too immature to get married. Surprises are for children. Living with her got tedious in 3 years? Dude, you are not husband material. This doesn't make you a bad guy (I told you I wouldn't judge you), but it is clear you are not ready to get married...not today, perhaps not ever.
2) If we ignore the observation I have of your behavior and just focus on what you SAID about getting married and raising a family with the woman you been with which was, "this is not what I sincerely want to do," then just on that ALONE you should not get married. It's not what you want to do. Period. she's 30. You are 35. If you want to have children (especially PLURAL), then you would want/need to get going on having her pop those out pretty damn soon after getting married. That is a recipe for disaster...you feel obligated to get married to her but you don't want to, then soon after you have a couple of kids that you don't even want. It will end in divorce almost for sure...and then you or she (probably she since you don't want to be bothered by raising any kids) is left to be a single parent. Don't do that to her. MUCH better to end it now.
3) Now, am I telling you to end your marriage to go pursue this woman on the plane? Absolutely not. You barely know her. It's VERY easy to be enthralled with someone when you aren't in your real life, and traveling on a plane takes both of you away from your real life, even if you weren't in an exotic location or on a vacation. Date the woman from the plane if you want to, but definitely do NOT end your upcoming marriage TO date her. The only way the woman from the plane is important is that she helped you realize you are not ready to get married. 30-year-old women don't date for years. So, suppose you end your engagement tomorrow and start dating this plane woman by this next weekend. Are you prepared to want to marry her in another year? Chances are that she will also likely want to get married and have children. What I'm telling you here is that you don't have another 5-years of dating someone else ahead of you...unless you decide you do NOT want children and you find a partner who feels the same (and maybe you will find that).
Anyway, the important part is you are not ready to get married, and if you do, you are very likely to have that marriage end in divorce, perhaps with little kids involved. That's not fair to them or your current bride-to-be. Sometimes the truth sucks. It will likely hurt her to end the engagement. It would be WORSE to leave her as a single mother in a few years.
Ok, I'm as a woman feel a bit deceived. I can say if you fell in love with someone else, break up with your partner. If she's really like you described, she'll find a good guy very soon and will be even happier without guy who cheats on her
These sorts of threads come along pretty regularly. There's often a similar feel and language to them, which makes me wonder if they're all made up by the same person.
Maybe let your wife-to-be decide? Let her know that you've been chatting it up with someone new and made out with her on a plane. My guess is she dumps your ass in about 4 minutes, and your 'decision' is made for you.
I see a lot of people saying "I'm not judging you but here's my advice." I'll judge. I cannot comprehend putting oneself in this situation if you were truly committed to your relationship. Incredibly selfish - you've already gone way too far here. Good luck.
"This was an interesting thread. I particularly liked the one about the guy whose woman of his dreams had been married several times but he readily concluded the woman was fine while her exes were not."
Well, I know two of the exes. I went to high school withbthe first one, and hecdated one of my cousins for a dew years. He was a money-grubbing hobo-sexual.
Her other ex was a decent enough guy, just didn't have much of a personality and you know, cheated on her with his band mate.
Part of deciding that she's alright, even though I only have her side of the story, has been communicating with her. I know she has her issues, just like I have mine. I know that she was with her 2nd husband for 15 years... 15 monogamous years.
That's the important thing to me. I trust her. Maybe you wouldn't, but I do.
Dude quite honestly I hope you break it off with your fiance because this is terrible. As a woman, I would hate to be married to a guy who waxes on and on about the beauty of a random woman on a plane and portrays me as some boring dishrag he has so nobly been faithful to for 5 years of dating and not marrying. You are no kind of catch right now.
I hope for your girlfriend's sake you tell her the truth. That's the only way to salvage things. You'll either work things out or she'll be done with you and you can start over with someone else. Put some of the power and knowledge of the situation in HER hands instead of selfishly sitting on it all yourself.
I would 'look back' and try to imagine the worse regret. that you didn't try or be horrified you let it walk out the door.
just fr my reading, I would go for the plane girl.
excitement is talked about forever - but eventually you'll realize the next isn't any better and there really is nothing better than the real one. it's just plain stupid to let real one down by obsessing about a new flavor.
expand your timeline a bit. what fits you long term.
I questioned whether I should get married before my first marriage. Went through with it for the thin reasons you have listed about being together for so many years, already planning a wedding, etc. Ignored obvious red flags thinking it would all work out. People are giving you horrible advice to just go forward given your story. I wish I had bailed before the wedding.
And in response to what Streak said, if you go forward with getting married, when your wife finds out about your thinking she is a boring dishrag and you are getting it on with other people, she will leave you. Don’t think she won’t notice how you act or what you say or that your stories don’t match up or change. This is why I bailed after the wedding.