Help me: attracted to a good friend - what do I do?

Haven’t read all the replies... but get a nice car & ask her to dinner. Don’t tell her how you feel if you haven’t even been on a date yet.

OP, you need to start talking to other women. Your mind is fixating on this woman because you dont talk to many other hot women or connect with them. You need options. Plenty of fish in the sea. If she does not reciprocate your feelings, it will be bad. Instead, direct your feelings elsewhere and go fishing.

It's kinda funny and kinda sad how we live in a world where, if she is single, she's probably on Tinder looking for guys. And yet there's a real in-person connection going on, but psychology and over-analysis might kill any hope of a relationship.

Maybe she is interested, maybe she isn't. If you don't attempt to make a move you'll always regret it. Just say I'd love to go on a date with you, if she says no say no worries that's cool. Maybe it'll ruin the friendship, but if you're ever going to get in a relationship with a girl then a close friendship with a girl that you run with, that you are attracted to and spend lots of time with probably isn't the best idea anyway.

Ask her on a date. If she says no then move on. Plenty of fish in the sea. In your mind its already beyond friends with her. So nothing will be lost anyway.

I had a lot of women break my heart over the years. But I kept trying and in the end my eventual wife turned out ten times better then those previous girlfriends. But I had to take a risk with asking her out despite all the past wounds. So swing for the fences or sit on the bench.

I think what a lot of people on this thread are misunderstanding is that it doesn't appear to be a "friendzone" type of thing. OP wants to be a friend with this person, he didn't make friends with her with the intention of a romantic relationship (though obviously with guys this is a thought that will inevitably cross their minds), but he has developed romantic feelings for her.

It's not the textbook friendzone situation where guy wants to bang X but ends up getting relegated to the position of friend. I'm almost certain that this is the type of thing that happens to vaguely weird/seriously socially incapable dudes how think they can sneak their way into some coochie. The inverse of the friendzone is when a woman has no/few string attached sex with a guy, expecting it to turn into a relationship, and doesn't get the emotional/interpersonal aspects of a relationship from him.

The "friendzone" thing is kind of a myth, but myths have power and importance. No one is truly ever in the "friendzone" as the memetic concept would make it out to be. If some of these posts convince OP he's in the friendzone than he will be if he doesn't believe he's there than he won't be.

Some of these posts have offered sage advice and, OP, you have to know that there is no "right" thing to do. She obviously likes you as a person, likes spending time with you, etc..The right thing to do is to go with your gut, if your gut says invite her to dinner or random activities than do it or if your gut says just tell her how you feel than do that.

The worst thing you can do is wait around and let yourself get more anxious about this situation - time tested wisdom always tells us that the worst action is inaction

Also if she's a girl and she runs, what are the odds she's seen this thread? I don't mean to scare you OP, it could be a good thing.

Children::

Women like men. Men can do stuff. Stop jogging with a girl get a job, fix that f*cking car, clean it up and start driving her. Women (who will never admit this) only are attracted to men of equal or higher competence than them. Men locked in ‘the friend zone’ are there because they are perceived like a little pet who would not be able to support a household. Then you can start doing all the rom-com flirting bs - but you FIRST need to get your act together.

Harambe wrote:

It's very rare that there are straightforward material investments you can make to improve your odds in a relationship.

This is one of them.

Get your car fixed so you can cut Y out. Borrow as much as you need to. Even Flagpole would agree this is "good debt."

I suppose it might be. I am very inexperienced in this as I was dealing with fighting the ladies off in my youth rather than pining away for just one. I really have no advice to give here other than to say a dude with a working car more than likely has a better chance with the ladies in general than one who does not have a working car.

Man up wrote:

Children::

Women like men. Men can do stuff. Stop jogging with a girl get a job, fix that f*cking car, clean it up and start driving her. Women (who will never admit this) only are attracted to men of equal or higher competence than them. Men locked in ‘the friend zone’ are there because they are perceived like a little pet who would not be able to support a household. Then you can start doing all the rom-com flirting bs - but you FIRST need to get your act together.

Not necessarily - some women put men in the "friend-zone" because they love male attention and feed off the energy. Men stay in the friend zone because they're either afraid of rejection or they think something could develop later on (if initially rejected).

Case in point: I met a hot looking lady at the gym who is an avid runner and likes to mix up her training with treadmill running. I had known of her (but never met her) at some of the local races several years ago when I was doing running. So, I broke the ice, starting flirting with her and all that for about week and finally asked her out. She said "no" because she didn't want a relationship but consequently wanted to be friends. I thought, WTH, I'm in... maybe I can start some chemistry and work on changing her mind. And chemistry did start: Lots of flirting, texting back & forth almost daily, going out for coffee a few times a week after the gym workouts. In fact, she ask if I would teach her some strength training as all she has done in her life is run (she's 35). So, weight training it was and more hanging out and more good times together. 😁

This went on for about 3 months and I finally made a second move attempting to kiss her and ask her out on a real date. She was totally dismayed and said "kiss?...on the lips?" "date?"..."No way, I just see you as great friend kinda like a brother to me." 😲 (talk about crash & burn). Well...I said I'm not going to be your patsy anymore and we'll just pretend like we never met and you do your thing at the gym and I'll do mine (she has since left and moved on to a different gym).

I also found out that before I came into the picture, she had another dude in the friend-zone for 7 months, who was also an avid runner. They trained together, hung out, did some day trips, etc. He supposedly was deeply in love with her and took to her out to a romantic dinner where he popped the question to start a relationship only to be told he was a terrific friend & training partner, and she too, saw him like a brother (I heard the poor guy had a nervous breakdown because he was so much in love with her).

So some girls love putting guys they're not sexually attracted to in the friend-zone selfishly to get that male attention that is not the same feeling they would get from their female friends.

That relationship ladder theory posted is spot on and so is this video:

Beware guys of the dreaded friend-zone - it'll leave you empty handed. Lol.

Flagpole wrote:

Harambe wrote:

It's very rare that there are straightforward material investments you can make to improve your odds in a relationship.

This is one of them.

Get your car fixed so you can cut Y out. Borrow as much as you need to. Even Flagpole would agree this is "good debt."

I suppose it might be. I am very inexperienced in this as I was dealing with fighting the ladies off in my youth rather than pining away for just one. I really have no advice to give here other than to say a dude with a working car more than likely has a better chance with the ladies in general than one who does not have a working car.

Flagpole approved!!!

2 words: payday loan!

But seriously, it sounds like getting your car fixed would allow you to spend more quality time with this person. Seems like a decent investment.

I am update. Ran with X and Y earlier this week. Great run, good times, etc, but I have decided that the anxiety this has afforded me is worth no further worry.

Car

Bought a car today. Was sitting on $60k and crypto earnings so I figure I should just get it done. I barely drive so it's a weird purchase to justify. But hey - it had to get done either way. Maybe will end up being a rushed decision, but at least it is a decision.

Answers to various questions

How did you meet? Weird story. She emailed me asking if I wanted to run with her. I had no idea who X was but decided to try for it. She cited a mutual acquaintance who told her I could be good to run with. I hadn't seen guy in a year so I think it is weird he remembered me. She knows a bunch of other people who know who I am (but not I her), so I guess I am well known for heinous deeds, high crimes, and evil acts >:)

Two types of guys : Definitely don't have much close female friends, the only one is incidentally a buddies gf. Cool distinction as I had not quite noticed this before.

Has she been to your house? No, but it's not like I've invited her. I've been in her apartment complex but not room (although she invited me once, and I don't know why i didn't). My roommate is super weird about covid which makes these things tricky. At some point we talked about meeting up to discuss some cool ideas to work through together (but we have since both been caught up in more tedious things). I own a nice whiteboard....

Are you autistic? No but certainly not neurotypical. I think i have some schizoid and autist traits. My first impression of X was "she's probably autistic". She later said her parents thought she was when she was little. Probably proof I should trust my instincts....

Chances she reads LR? Zero. She doesn't even know what a 'message board' is. Was interested when I explained the schemas of identity on mbs and how this lends itself towards different community dynamics.

Ladder theory/friendzone: Rojo I've been on these boards long enough to know what ladder theory is and that it probably doesn't hold here, which is why I asked for this advice. Ladder theory breaks down in non-neurotypicals, and when the initial male interest isn't sexually motivated. I'm not trusting a nigerian website either.

Other women? bro this feels like the first girl i've ever fallen for. Maybe second but the first doesn't count.

I played up the character of this post as an overanalyzing anxious mess - I'm not quite this bad in reality. I know that telling someone 'how you feel' isn't a good idea but wanted to test exactly how revolting this would be. I've been reading too much Russian literature which motivates these ides; she wants to borrow my copy of Пушкин romantic tragedy Eugene Onegin. The reason I posted wasn't because I didn't know what to do, nor was I looking for the thing to do, but because I needed some "Skin in the Game" to motivate action. Several of my homies may recognize my username, and I'm not going to tell them that I didn't shoot my shot. Now I have people who follow this, a name that can be tarnished, and an audience to please: maybe I can yet make out the footlights.

To quote an obese retarded Greek dramatist : You'll never get what you don't ask for

/mu/tant runner wrote:

Has she been to your house? No, but it's not like I've invited her. I've been in her apartment complex but not room (although she invited me once, and I don't know why i didn't). for

So she sought you out, continues to seek you out, and has invited you into her room? Dude, she likes you. Just ask her out or she’s going to get tired of waiting.

She's boning Y.

Take it out.

Sounds like you’re a perfect match for your right hand.

Are there women on this site at all?

"Hey wanna go see a movie...."

Oh wait COVID....

"Hey wanna go grab a coffee....."

"Hey wanna go on a date? What do ya like to do...."

Girls are not dumb. They know you are fumbling for a way to further whatever this is or isn't.

Just like....put in some effort and try and be genuine.

Dress nice. Be sincere. A single rose (not red) goes a long way.

Stop beating around the bush. You like this girl or ya don't. She either likes you or not.

Alan

Let's GOOOO /mu/tant runner!!

You got this!

What car?

I’m very invested in this story. Mutant - did you ask her out yet???

ask her out wrote:

I’m very invested in this story. Mutant - did you ask her out yet???

I also vote for you to make a move. Not only should you ask her out, you have to or you will regret it forever. You can't catch any fish if your line's not in the water.

Its simple, you say "Hey, I've really enjoyed running/spending time with you, want to get a coffee some time?" Make sure you are clear in that its not a friend-level coffee. A drink would be better, if you both into that. Its more of an accepted date scenario. Ask her after you run when you are all full of endorphins and not nervous.

I think she'll say yes, she goes out of her way to run with you. She can literally run at any time with anyone she wants, and she chooses to go with you. That is not an accident.