Stood up to GF's uncle, lost my GF

Ghost of Christmas Past wrote:

When we talked the next day she agreed that her uncle was overbearing, but she felt it wasn’t worth making a scene and I should have just played along. Neither one of us could get the other to understand the other’s side. I was frustrated and in the heat of the moment made a statement that if that was how her family was I really didn’t want to be a part of it (even though it was just one person, the rest were or at least seemed nice). We broke up and haven’t talked since.

It's been a year. I haven't dated anyone else. I'm mad at what happened, but still miss her. Still trying to figure out if I did the right thing.

This is the part that I don't get. You talked the next day, agreed on at least one thing and not another, and on that basis you trashed her whole family and haven't talked since.

People in any relationship agree about some things and not others. They don't normally respond to the disagreement (especially such a petty one) by insulting the other's family and cutting off communication for the rest of their lives. And it seems reasonable to me for the one who insulted the other's family to be the one to reinitiate the communication.

You may have been right about the stupid shirt incident, and even about what it meant about the family dynamics. But you then proceeded as though the relationship with the woman didn't matter to you as much as a damn shirt. What would you do about more serious issues, about things like religion, politics, and child-rearing? Just walk out without saying a word?

THE SOLUTION

The uncle is an overbearing jerk . You should have worn the shirt out of deference to your girl friend's feelings. That part is obvious, in that situation you were completely out of line and demonstrated a very rigid personality.

However if you didn't want to completely act like one of the family sheep, you could have declared, in a joking way, that it was against your principals, but that (your girlfriend's name) was the only person with the power to get you to wear it.

That would have been a win win (diminish the uncle and build up the girlfriend and show yourself to be clever).

(You made a huge mistake, the girls family hates you, move on)

Dan Kahneman wrote:

THE SOLUTION

The uncle is an overbearing jerk . You should have worn the shirt out of deference to your girl friend's feelings. That part is obvious, in that situation you were completely out of line and demonstrated a very rigid personality.

However if you didn't want to completely act like one of the family sheep, you could have declared, in a joking way, that it was against your principals, but that (your girlfriend's name) was the only person with the power to get you to wear it.

That would have been a win win (diminish the uncle and build up the girlfriend and show yourself to be clever).

(You made a huge mistake, the girls family hates you, move on)

Although the smartest thing to do was to just shut your mouth, thank him for the shirt and get in the damned picture.

Avocado's Number wrote:

You may have been right about the stupid shirt incident, and even about what it meant about the family dynamics. But you then proceeded as though the relationship with the woman didn't matter to you as much as a damn shirt. What would you do about more serious issues, about things like religion, politics, and child-rearing? Just walk out without saying a word?

Years ago, a little research revealed the following as top reasons for divorce.

1. Money

2. At least one partner improved their education, and that changed who they wanted to socialize with and changed the path in life they wanted.

3. Both partners agreed on the major things, but significant disagreements as to timing: e.g. wife wants a kid in the first 2 years of marriage, husband wants to wait 5 years. Or husband's career will take him away for living near wife's parents for 5-10 years before they could hope to move back in the area. Or the wife should go back to work after having kids, but one partner expects it to be 1-2 years, the other 5-8 years.

Giving gifts at Christmas can get awkward in a hurry, and giving school jerseys or whatever is safe. If that was the only point of contention of OP, then many posts have made it clear that the girl is better off without OP.

Having the uncle coerce OP into a picture?

I could care less about school sweats or jerseys, as I am a ND fan but never have worn school's colors. But I would not be in the photo unless I didn't care about the girl, because I would capitulate if I couldn't care less about anyone there.

If I did care about the girl, no way am I pressured into the photo.

That the jersey was a rival school wouldn't matter. My brother was a USC fan, and I still remember him dancing a jig in front of me when Anthony Davis ran for 6 touchdowns in the 2nd half. So rivalries are part of life, and not walls.

If it was about the jersey, then the girl is better off without OP because he's a little too old for that to be the reason.

Learning how to deal with crazy relatives is part of relationships. If your girlfriends uncles don’t give you a hard time then you’re in a small minority. They’re often old men with low self esteem so they make themselves feel better by being “alphas.” If you’re can’t maneuver something as inconsequential as this then wait until something hard happens. For her it was a test to see how you would respond. You failed so she moved on. Because relatives are important to women. Yes even their egotistical fat uncles.

You really should of just worn the shirt and in private told your girlfriend that it sucked to but you did it for her. Do it in a humorous way though. Geez man that would of scored you some major points with her.

Is your handle "Lil B*tch " ?

I sure hope you went to bathroom to leave an upper decker.

Also it's principle, not principal for those pointing this out.

Every family had its own version of crazy...good luck finding a girl from a crazy without any weirdness going on.

You'll have to learn to deal with this one way or the other, so take this as a tough learning opportunity for the next time.

forget college rivalries - the fact that this uncle gives everyone a "gift" only in order to promote his cult is enough of a reason to not want to take part in the ritual

OP potentially avoided a lifetime with the Big Unk, and GF apparently chose the Big Unk over the OP. All's good because this GF was obviously not the One.

I think everyone was probably wrong in this case. Does the rest of the family support the same team as the uncle? It's a bit weird if not. But it was definitely odd for him to give the OP a disgusted look. But the OP probably should have just worn the shirt - what was the worst case scenario? Someone sees the photo - just explain the situation, or say the shirt was photshopped. The girlfriend dumping you overreacted as well. Perhaps there were other reasons.

He should have worn the shirt but spilled gravy or similar all over the front.

CrispyChicken wrote:

OP potentially avoided a lifetime with the Big Unk, and GF apparently chose the Big Unk over the OP. All's good because this GF was obviously not the One.

How often do you think he would be seeing this uncle? I've been dating my girlfriend for over three years and have met her extended family twice. People really don't see their significant other's uncles very frequently so he could have just sucked it up, maybe cracked a joke or two, and he would pretty much forget about it in a little while. Instead he's posting about it on a running message board a year later.

Yeah, in every relationship there are matters of disagreement or differences. One person is a neat freak and other leaves stuff lying around. One person always runs late the other is always prompt, etc.

But in every relationship that lasts the parties learn to pick their battles. You can't turn everything disagreement into a test of the relationship but there are always deal-breakers, like whether or not to have kids.

In this case the OP turned a silly holiday family photo into a relationship deal-breaker - intentionally or not. The OP could have just let the uncle know he went to a rival school, made a joke and then got in the photo. It's over in a few minutes, he scores points with the GF and everyone forgets about it. It the story is true maybe the OP will learn to handle awkward social situations with more grace in the future.

That was my take too.

They didn't split up because he 'stood up to the uncle'.

They split up because the next he told the girl that he wanted nothing to do with her family.

We all know this is a troll because no one wants the boyfriend in the family Christmas photo.

just a regular guy in the neighborhood wrote:

CrispyChicken wrote:

OP potentially avoided a lifetime with the Big Unk, and GF apparently chose the Big Unk over the OP. All's good because this GF was obviously not the One.

How often do you think he would be seeing this uncle? I've been dating my girlfriend for over three years and have met her extended family twice. People really don't see their significant other's uncles very frequently so he could have just sucked it up, maybe cracked a joke or two, and he would pretty much forget about it in a little while. Instead he's posting about it on a running message board a year later.

He'd probably be remembering and complaining about stuff each time he saw the uncle! He could have had several annoying incidents by now.

The OP might be the only guy in history that caused his girlfriend to take the side of her drunk uncle.

melo seed wrote:

As a duke grad i would never wear a unc shirt. Absolutely zero chance and if a girl had a problem with it i would be glad to see her go.

i wouldn't be worrying about it five minutes later much less a year later though.

Just curious, if you were a researcher at Duke would you co-author a paper with someone from UNC?