My wife wants to divorce but stay in the house together for the children

StevePrefonDead wrote:

Consult an attorney immediately.

Do not move out. You will lose leverage with the judge in regards to custody and asset disbursement. She can move out if she is that miserable.

Do not engage in arguments with her. Assume you are being recorded at all times. Do not post anything about this on social media and block her for your own mental well-being.

This will be the most critical period of your life. Run more, eat well, drink less. Stay alert and motivated. You are playing chess now.

The first line is the most important line and, assuming the attorney agrees with the rest, go with it. Risk here for the guy is that he's either mis-read or been lied to for upwards of 10 years. This means, to some degree, we don't know what the wife is capable of. He may think he knows but, as demonstrated by the request for divorce, he really doesn't.

The wife may very well already have legal counsel. She may have another man friend or woman friend who is occupying her affection impulses and that person could be an important....and very negative for the OP.....influence on her. She's clearly putting herself in her best possible situation as it appears she cannot move out and lead an existence on her own. She is likely to do anything possible to protect that situation. Her motivation and actions moving forward will be guided by this.

She could also begin to conjure up tales of abuse which will work against the guy no matter the truth. There's a reason male bosses were told to keep things open in their offices beginning back in the 1980's when dealing with a female underling. All it takes is one time claim of abuse and your reputation will be soiled and thrown on to the OP to get the reputation back. Do NOT risk this. This is the problem I have with staying in the home "for the sake of the kids".

So we know the "stay together for the sake of the kids" line is at least partially a load of nonsense.

So to the original poster - lawyer up, beware and trust no one.

DeTron Lames wrote:

I live on a cul de sac. Dude lives across from me with his two teenage girls. Mom just moved back in, even though they've been divorced for years. They're not back together, she's just living there. They've been divorced the whole time I've lived here, at least 7 years. Shrug.

I bet the sex is amazing lol

I say don't do it. I am happily married but if I was in your shoes I'd move on. Think about it this way the wife brings a date home for some naked WWF what are you going to tell your kids that that is your uncle? It will do more damage then good.

I’m in college right now and my parents are divorced. I completely disagree with divorce but my opinion doesn’t matter here.

If you guys are gonna separate do it now, not when they’re in high school or college. It will a bigger deal in high school or college when social status matters more. It wasn’t a big deal when my friends’ parents got divorced in elementary school, but in high school and college it was.

I come from a progressive area too. Just my two cents. Good luck.

Wow, this thread is so sad... for a variety of reasons.

Don't listen to anyone who says that it's fine in elementary school but painful in high school or college. Little kids are affected lifelong and much more seriously than those close to adulthood.

Needing Direction wrote:

My wife and I have two elementary school aged kids and recently built a house together. After just a couple of months living in it, she claims to have never loved me, regrets marrying me, and wants a divorce.

No. This is not a valid reason to divorce. She needs to go to counseling herself alone and figure out why she allowed herself to have 2 children and build a house with someone she “never loved.”

I am surprised nobody has mentioned mediation. While it is always beneficial to consult an attorney, a non- adversarial relationship between parents will benefit their kids. Re: counseling, that may be worthwhile, but don’t expect much productive to come out of forced counseling. If she is open to joint sessions, that could be useful, ideally as couples, but if not for co-parenting

Let me help you wrote:

Needing Direction wrote:

My wife and I have two elementary school aged kids and recently built a house together. After just a couple of months living in it, she claims to have never loved me, regrets marrying me, and wants a divorce.

No. This is not a valid reason to divorce. She needs to go to counseling herself alone and figure out why she allowed herself to have 2 children and build a house with someone she “never loved.”

And if she refuses? You can't force someone to do any of those things and you can't force someone to stay in a marriage against their will.

if you want mediation, make sure your attorney is one who does a lot of mediation work. We had a mediator and i also personally hired an attorney who also worked as an attorney. My kids are doing well (I admit that We have some advantages; my ex Is more interested in the welfare of our kids than money or spite, and We are well situated enough financially to have two houses that house all of our children within 2 miles of each other)

Regular registered poster, with anonymous post here. Take this from me as a recent graduate from this school (who should have listened to other graduates.

Claims she doesn't love you? She has plans with someone else and too embarrassed to admit, and/or admission will work against her.

Wants to stay in house? This won't be forever, she wants to transition out, but still wants you to pony up the dollars.

Your 73% is a give away, like my ratio. It leads to you pleasing her all the time, she spends more than what she earns, or as in my case the combined spend (mostly her non essentials) comes up to or goes over (onto mortgage) of combined salary.

You love her, but start complaining about the spending. She finds that 'un loving' as her girlfriends all spend and take holidays etc, and she doesn't. They tell her to leave you, but they are unaware of the salary imbalance---you are now the arsehole.

She finds an option, thinks she will somehow start earning more because she has been told you are holding her career back.

She will find out reality when its too late.

Take it from me. Nothing will change her mind, she has already enquired with lawyers etc. Play your trump cards, like I did.

Excess money on mortgage (eg offset account) should 'disappear' and your mortgage itself should be at maximum. You can return that to mortgage later when settled.

The house value should be as low as possible. In this case with the house on your name its even easier. Start a renovation you have put off, something aesthetic or better with some space benefit. Break down for renovation, then leave it unfinished (even though you have costed and have plans).

Give a low ball offer to her on house split. If she disagrees say you will sell it in fire sale, and buy it yourself so she should take it.

You have 73% of salary, mortgage on your name, you will get finance. Then put the disappeared money back in, complete renovation and increase the value over its current/original value

You would be surprised how much money your salary can buy after the split.

My wife had every opportunity to make money, start businesses or work for good salary, but she wanted to indulge her work as a self employed hobby, not care about how much she makes. (She was by no means lazy). So every venture was funded and borrowed for. When the tap gets turned off, and you get older and look at where you are, you start reigning in too late. Now you are the A-hole.

Get out, be happy, but take what's yours, because she doesn't really care about your future. Her mind is elsewhere already.

I’ve been divorced 11 excellent years. Even now, when I drive by my lawyers office I give a tip o the hat and a thank-you! There is light at the end of the tunnel and you will get through this!

No two situations are the same. I had 4 kids, two were over 18 and two were in middle school.

Basically, everything StevePrefonDead said PLUS I have a few suggestions:

1) When she dropped the “I want a divorce” on you, all ideas of being a “nice guy” absolutely must go. Talk to your lawyer and you have to be a ruthless calculator. Every word, every action can and will be quoted in court. You are building a court case, not a relationship. This will sound downright mean, and it is, but you need to be on guard for her to make mistakes (and as a corollary, you must not make mistakes). A mistake is a social media post, a photo, a date before it was agreed upon...etc...etc….. You get the idea. Those mistakes are powerful in court.

2) I got a financial divorce before the actual divorce. This ended up being the smartest thing I did. Talk to your lawyer, they will know.

3) This is a chess match and the outcome will change your life. I actually wrote out a Venn diagram decision tree and calculated all possible outcomes. This actually brought me quite a bit of comfort when the going got tough.

You say she said she never loved you and regrets the marriage. I say kick her to the curb with NO REGRETS.

Ronald Dump's advice is an excellent addition to StevePrefonDead's advice.

Your wife has already made a very important lie to you about never loving you. Either that is itself is a lie (so she is covering up for more than that), or she has been deceiving you about love since before your marriage. Either way, do not trust her to tell the truth until she earns that trust, and do not let that happen until she has developed a consistently record and she is no longer in a position to hurt you. She kept a secret for a long time, far longer than it takes to finalize a divorce.

Separate bedrooms and living rooms (or den, study, whatever) are an immediate must. No sex with her. Go solo, with or without porn, if you need to (much of the LRC crowd is doing this anyway).

Get educated on abuse. You should be able to find a good introduction on the internet. I also suggest you obtain and read a book about divorce from the legal side, specializing in your state if possible; it will help you communicate with your attorney, but let your attorney be the boss on how to do things, while you are the boss on what you want done. Also, do the same with relationships, abuse, and divorce from the men's side. I read such a book many years ago and it was a real eye opener.

I hope you have retained an attorney, but if you have not, consider it your primary very near term goal. Go ahead and interview several, and do not hire an attorney if you think you will not get along with. This means taking time off work, or re-arranging work hours, if necessary. Attorney fees are somewhat important, but in the long run the best attorneys usually save you money in both the relatively short term (initial negotiations and legal actions) and the long run until kids are on their own. Number of attorney hours used in a divorce vary much more widely than hourly rates. Your attorney should be experienced in representing men in cases involving children, and those who have represented both sides have a more complete perspective.

If time spent on this prevents or delays a promotion or raise at your job, this may actually help you in the long run, so do not worry about it. A lower salary may help when it comes to alimony

and child support. It may help greatly if your attorney advises you to hire a private investigator to find out (and likely) prove your wife is cheating, which she probably is.

You need a bank account in your name that your wife cannot touch with sufficient funds. This includes enough up front for near term costs, an emergency fund for contingencies, and you need to have your salary deposited in this account. It is OK for her to get some of it, and make sure some is deposited in the joint account. It is a common tactic for one party to liquidate all joint accounts and put them under one party's name to squeeze the other party. Do not squeeze your party, it will hurt you in the end, but you need cash and cash flow to do this.

zxcv*2 is not wrong the kids will will have a tough time to a greater or lesser extent, but is true that staying together is often worse for the children.

smallbutBIG wrote:

You say she said she never loved you and regrets the marriage. I say kick her to the curb with NO REGRETS.

This.

Get a new beneficiary for the life insurance policy if you have it , and she is the current beneficiary.

And then let her know it's not her anymore....just in case she gets ideas about cashing in.

Just been there done it wrote:

Regular registered poster, with anonymous post here. Take this from me as a recent graduate from this school (who should have listened to other graduates.

Your 73% is a give away, like my ratio. It leads to you pleasing her all the time, she spends more than what she earns, or as in my case the combined spend (mostly her non essentials) comes up to or goes over (onto mortgage) of combined salary.

You love her, but start complaining about the spending. She finds that 'un loving' as her girlfriends all spend and take holidays etc, and she doesn't. They tell her to leave you, but they are unaware of the salary imbalance---you are now the arsehole..

Wowza. I’m a stay at home mom and I don’t think my husband has ever complained that he earns 100% of our income. Or complained about my “spending more than I earn”. We’ve had talks about reigning in spending during certain periods, but it was always presented like a team effort. Chances are your wife was earning 27% AND doing the lions share of childcare and housework (was the one up with babies in the night, figuring out schooling, scheduling all extracurriculars, arranging childcare, scheduling doctor and dentist appointments, doing laundry, cooking, packing lunches, transporting kids everywhere).

Tell your wife that you are not interested in a divorce and would like to continue counseling to improve your marriage. Be nice to her and do not see anyone on the side.

Focus on work, fitness, and your kids. Start going to church every weekend.

If she forces the issue, make her file for divorce alone. You don't want to get a divorce. You're not the problem. You are doing your job and you are a good father, an asset to the community, and a faithful husband.

I have had two good friends get totally screwed over by their wives after trying to be understanding and flexible. Both times it was the wife blaming her apparent mental health problems on the husband.

One was a mom of three who decided she was gay. Then after leaving her family and moving in with a woman, she decided she wasn't gay and is now dating an ugly, older man. Guess what? She gets a huge chunk of my buddy's salary. She doesn't work. I know there are two sides to every story, but I promise you this guy is a saint. She cheated on him for nearly a year with the woman but tells her friends it wasn't cheating because she thought she was gay. Not sure I understand that one...

The other is a mom of two who followed the typical XFit path into an affair. Once she realized her XFit buddy wasn't going to support her accustomed lifestyle, she accused her husband of a loveless marriage and ignoring her and the kids in favor of his career. The guy was literally doing everything he could to make partner at his firm so that he could support his family. She now lives in the family house and lives off of his partnership income. She works retail in a high-end interior decorator/gifts shop and belongs to the country club. He moved into a condo in an attempt to be the nice guy.

Neither of these alimony situations will last forever, but they are critically impacting the guys' financial situations. It is also pretty clear that neither of the women are happy.

You need to be a nice guy, but do not be a pushover. Try to make it work. Sometimes tough love is what a friend or spouse needs to see the light.