I’m sure many older people (I’m 41) have had some sort of disappointment or setback in your life But in our circle it sometimes feel like we are the only ones. At 30 my wife and I both worked full time, we bought our dream house, my career trajectory was promising. Then we tried to have kids.
It took us years and a lot of fertility expenses to get here, but we were able to successfully have 2 children. They are amazing and worth it. But it cost us a lot.
My wife quit her job amidst the stress of trying to have kids, and it was a stretch to pay our mortgage and thousands for fertility drugs and doctors on my salary. My career trajectory stalled a little (quite unexpectedly) in my late thirties, so we made the decision to sell the house and downsize to a smaller home in a nearby neighborhood.
Now when we look around, it feels like everyone in our old “dream home” neighborhood just sailed through their 30s, having 2-3 kids with no issues, getting promotions...sailing along nicely.
I know some people can *never* have kids or ever buy any house at all, or have cancer, or have other bad life outcomes. But it feels so painful to love backwards financially at an age when all my peers like are charging ahead.
So how do I face the rest of my life knowing we may not ever have things be materially as good as they once were?
How to deal with life not turning out how you expected?
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To *move* backwards financially
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Somehow I have been laid off 4 times in the 35 years I've been working and yet I don't actually know anyone else who has ever been laid off. I'm not the brightest bulb, but I was good at showing up and doing what was asked of me. Since I turned 50, I've been laid off twice. Man alive it gets me down sometimes! On the plus side, I feel like a cockroach, like I can handle ANYTHING!
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midlife crisis guy wrote:
I’m sure many older people (I’m 41) have had some sort of disappointment or setback in your life But in our circle it sometimes feel like we are the only ones. At 30 my wife and I both worked full time, we bought our dream house, my career trajectory was promising. Then we tried to have kids.
It took us years and a lot of fertility expenses to get here, but we were able to successfully have 2 children. They are amazing and worth it. But it cost us a lot.
My wife quit her job amidst the stress of trying to have kids, and it was a stretch to pay our mortgage and thousands for fertility drugs and doctors on my salary. My career trajectory stalled a little (quite unexpectedly) in my late thirties, so we made the decision to sell the house and downsize to a smaller home in a nearby neighborhood.
Now when we look around, it feels like everyone in our old “dream home” neighborhood just sailed through their 30s, having 2-3 kids with no issues, getting promotions...sailing along nicely.
I know some people can *never* have kids or ever buy any house at all, or have cancer, or have other bad life outcomes. But it feels so painful to love backwards financially at an age when all my peers like are charging ahead.
So how do I face the rest of my life knowing we may not ever have things be materially as good as they once were?
When I was in my early 20s, I noticed that the guys who were in their 30s, 40s & 50s with a couple of kids and a nice house were like hamsters in a cage on a treadmill wheel. Never getting anywhere doing the same thing every day of their lives. Constantly in a financial hole. A way of life where they worked two or three jobs, hoping a scratch ticket would put them on easy street.
I am now 60 and thankful that I avoided such a fate. -
DanM wrote:
midlife crisis guy wrote:
I’m sure many older people (I’m 41) have had some sort of disappointment or setback in your life But in our circle it sometimes feel like we are the only ones. At 30 my wife and I both worked full time, we bought our dream house, my career trajectory was promising. Then we tried to have kids.
It took us years and a lot of fertility expenses to get here, but we were able to successfully have 2 children. They are amazing and worth it. But it cost us a lot.
My wife quit her job amidst the stress of trying to have kids, and it was a stretch to pay our mortgage and thousands for fertility drugs and doctors on my salary. My career trajectory stalled a little (quite unexpectedly) in my late thirties, so we made the decision to sell the house and downsize to a smaller home in a nearby neighborhood.
Now when we look around, it feels like everyone in our old “dream home” neighborhood just sailed through their 30s, having 2-3 kids with no issues, getting promotions...sailing along nicely.
I know some people can *never* have kids or ever buy any house at all, or have cancer, or have other bad life outcomes. But it feels so painful to love backwards financially at an age when all my peers like are charging ahead.
So how do I face the rest of my life knowing we may not ever have things be materially as good as they once were?
When I was in my early 20s, I noticed that the guys who were in their 30s, 40s & 50s with a couple of kids and a nice house were like hamsters in a cage on a treadmill wheel. Never getting anywhere doing the same thing every day of their lives. Constantly in a financial hole. A way of life where they worked two or three jobs, hoping a scratch ticket would put them on easy street.
I am now 60 and thankful that I avoided such a fate.
And how did you avoid it? No Kids? -
I don't see what the issue is. Thank God for the blessings that you do have and be a man and face your responsibilities.
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I am sorry that your wishes for kids didn't work out.
I have been there myself.
For all the other things you mentioned: Don't look and listen to the Jones next door. They are just pretending like everybody else. The "American Dream" is just plastered with pretentious behavior.
I would think that most careers don't go as planned at one point. These are not the 70ies anymore.
I would recommend that you focus on the good things, that you have a house, you are in good health. That you can run and so on.... -
No kids and finally at age 38 marriage to a woman who had 2 kids, but they were adults and not living with her.
My wife and I with 3 cats in an eight room house for the past 22 years.
Heaven on Earth. -
stan the corgi wrote:
I don't see what the issue is. Thank God for the blessings that you do have and be a man and face your responsibilities.
Good advice.
My story: wife and i had good jobs, not the best in the world, but good, safe, secure, jobs as professionals. Decided to have a child late in life. We capped it at one by choice though really debated about having two. Our house that we have has always been very nice in an expensive area, though not luxorious.
Now we are too old to have more.
We are financially very comfortable and money is no longer an issue whatsoever.
We can have whatever we want, but i know the only thing i care about much is my family.
The decision to have one child only was equal part not wanting to overload ourselves with child raising responsibilities and probably partially financial, but mostly the former.
Did we short change ourselves, and our son, for that matter?
I wonder.... -
F you midlife crisis guy. You have no idea what adversity is.
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Yo OP get over yourself dude.
You have plenty. If you seriously want to gain more financial reserves then figure out how to accomplish it, and then go do it. Work side jobs, hustle up a business, etc. So many ways. How much were the fertility treatments in total? Is it really more than like 15k?
Comparing yourself to others is really just immature, surprised how petty you are as a fully grown man. Do you realize that 95% of these other people are busting it just so that they can project their "wealth" to everybody else by having a big house and driving a BMW? True wealth in life goes much deeper.
A simple but very nice day to day life is not that expensive, you have to prioritize. Even great activities can be done cheap, but you need to put effort in to learn how to do it. Like building your own 3 season cabin. Getting a boat and a boat slip to fish, etc. Getting a good touring bike and setting it up properly. -
Suck it up, buttercup. Make better decisions . Plan for the future.
At 30, I went to the grocery store with a calculator. Ate lots of beans and potatoes . I realized, I was holding me back.
At 55, I have dont have any bills- a paid off house, three paid off vehicles and no bills.
Did I, mention, suck it up? -
Vaca wrote:
At 30, I went to the grocery store with a calculator. Ate lots of beans and potatoes . I realized, I was holding me back.
At 55, I have dont have any bills- a paid off house, three paid off vehicles and no bills.
What because you went from playing defense to playing offense? -
This is what they call first world problems. The grass looks greener, but rarely is if you know the whole story. Everyone has problems. You won’t see those posted on social media though.
That said, I retired at 34 so what do I know. -
midlife crisis guy wrote:
I’m sure many older people (I’m 41) have had some sort of disappointment or setback in your life But in our circle it sometimes feel like we are the only ones. At 30 my wife and I both worked full time, we bought our dream house, my career trajectory was promising. Then we tried to have kids.
It took us years and a lot of fertility expenses to get here, but we were able to successfully have 2 children. They are amazing and worth it. But it cost us a lot.
My wife quit her job amidst the stress of trying to have kids, and it was a stretch to pay our mortgage and thousands for fertility drugs and doctors on my salary. My career trajectory stalled a little (quite unexpectedly) in my late thirties, so we made the decision to sell the house and downsize to a smaller home in a nearby neighborhood.
Now when we look around, it feels like everyone in our old “dream home” neighborhood just sailed through their 30s, having 2-3 kids with no issues, getting promotions...sailing along nicely.
I know some people can *never* have kids or ever buy any house at all, or have cancer, or have other bad life outcomes. But it feels so painful to love backwards financially at an age when all my peers like are charging ahead.
So how do I face the rest of my life knowing we may not ever have things be materially as good as they once were?
What a surprise!Didn't you know? That's life buddy!To try to solve a lot of problems but also
rejoice in the happy moments.And take my advice; never envy your neighbor's visible happiness,
for you do not know his secret sorrows. -
Hey, maybe I'm just throwing this out there because, i don't know,... because it's a running website(?), but it feels really good to be in the later masters age group and have my health and excellent conditioning, the will to lace up every day, the time to do it, and the imagination to keep finding new things when i do.
I wish more people could and would do this, but at my age, they don't.
For that reason alone (though it's not the only reason), I;m not one to look around longingly at others.
Maybe the material things aren't the only things. -
F*** materialism, it never made anyone happy.
Your life and happiness depend on the relationships and change you make in the world, not things. You are upset that these things aren't happening, yet you never bothered to ask WHY these things are important. That's what really matters in life. You determine your own path and contentedness, unless you are suffering from psychological issues, but that's a different story. Your kids don't really care about these things and nor should you. Stop comparing yourself to others and pave your own path. Don't attach your self worth to your job either. Be grateful for what you have and what you can do. I mean, you should really already know all these things, but I guess I'll remind you here to help you snap out of it. -
midlife crisis guy wrote:
I’m sure many older people (I’m 41) have had some sort of disappointment or setback in your life But in our circle it sometimes feel like we are the only ones. At 30 my wife and I both worked full time, we bought our dream house, my career trajectory was promising. Then we tried to have kids.
It took us years and a lot of fertility expenses to get here, but we were able to successfully have 2 children. They are amazing and worth it. But it cost us a lot.
My wife quit her job amidst the stress of trying to have kids, and it was a stretch to pay our mortgage and thousands for fertility drugs and doctors on my salary. My career trajectory stalled a little (quite unexpectedly) in my late thirties, so we made the decision to sell the house and downsize to a smaller home in a nearby neighborhood.
Now when we look around, it feels like everyone in our old “dream home” neighborhood just sailed through their 30s, having 2-3 kids with no issues, getting promotions...sailing along nicely.
I know some people can *never* have kids or ever buy any house at all, or have cancer, or have other bad life outcomes. But it feels so painful to love backwards financially at an age when all my peers like are charging ahead.
So how do I face the rest of my life knowing we may not ever have things be materially as good as they once were?
You have your family...money is $&it and makes for $&it people....be your family, go for the dreams you had that are possible and make your family a team that with last a lifetime....then, you will have far far more than your "peers" in the fake neighborhood who have spent all of their time on worthless pursuits. Are you doing things you want to do? If is your family tight? That is what is important? Work towards that in any way possible and your life will always be meaningful. -
Forget about your peers. Focus on your wife, your kids, and you.
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I really don't have any advice because quite frankly I'm boggled that it took you until 41 years to have this sort of realization. I'm glad the sheen of life was removed in my early 20s because it saved me from a lot of hassle as I've gotten older. I don't expect life to be anything other than what it is and what I make of it. I don't have kids but when I do have a partner, I hope they are able to roll with the tides as well.
