3-Season Coaches --- How do you have a family?

Different things work for different people and families.

I've known coaches who became *better* coaches--more focused, more efficient, better at prioritizing--when they got children, and did a great job of raising them (and guiding their teams).

I've known coaches who basically brought their kids with them to every meet, and got to spend time with them that way.

I've also known coaches--many coaches--who lost their marriages and their kids.

Personally: I should have stopped coaching when my second child was born. But you know how seductive and addictive The Life can be, so I continued for a few more years--doing a terrible job with my team and my family.

My teams had always shown improvement from one year to the next; once I realized that they'd stopped improving, and that I was the reason why (which took a while to understand), I left coaching. Took twenty years off and came back once my kids were grown.

I've known other coaches who've done just that. It's not easy to get back into the game, but it's possible--especially if you're willing to work cheap.

Bottom line: I didn't have the character attributes to do a good job with my students *and* my kids, so I made a choice.

You need a good partner.

Theres a reason so many great coaches I know in the NY area are divorced, single or on their second marriages.

While a head coach, once I got married, I didn't go to meets every weekend. I told my athletes we race every two weeks at the most.

I gave up coaching track "full time" when my youngest kid started going to school. It wasn't just the physical time demand but the emotional drain. It wasn't fair to my wife. Frankly how could I care if Jonny wasn't hitting splits when my wife was dealing with food, laundry, sicknesses, learning etc... First I became an assistant who didnt work everyday and go to every meet, then I just volunteered a few days a week and went to very few meets.

In 2012 I was watching the mens olympic trials 1500. On the last lap my son ran over to the TV looked at me and said no more track and turned it off. That's when I knew it was about time to stop being a head coach.

you need to have an honest conversation with your partner about the demands. Not everybody can do it.

I don't have kids or a wife, and it is still difficult.

How do you think individuals with other careers in the private sector with families manage. They figure it out based on their priorities. It's funny how people in Academia and other public sector careers think there work and schedule is so challenging.

Well off the top of my head, respectfully, private sector folks don't work on a weekend, or can work remotely (the blackberry generation). I'm also envisioning people who make more money than a coach.

I appreciate everyone's input. A lot of the best coaches I know are single or divorced. But I do know it can be done another way, and I'm looking for that side of the discussion.

Primo Numero Uno wrote:

How do you think individuals with other careers in the private sector with families manage. They figure it out based on their priorities. It's funny how people in Academia and other public sector careers think there work and schedule is so challenging.

It’s not only about the time demands. Going to a meet can be more than a 12 hour day when you leave the house and return. And then overnight meets.

There’s also an emotional component to coaching. The best coaches are cheerleaders to their athletes. They care about the whole person they coach; training, racing, academic, personal.

Your partner and kids will see that and may feel slighted that you’re spending so much time and emotional energy away from your real family and home responsibilities.

If you had a traditional 9-5 you wouldn’t be coming home in such a good mood because your kids won races and had big prs.

Good thread topic. Here's my experience:

D1 xc/track coach; 3 kids, all under 7 yrs old. Wife was a D1 athlete herself.

- The job is a competitive one and it is really hard for me to see coaches around me who are single, working all day and all night recruiting and busting their butts to make it happen. I want to be the best and seeing others devote more time to the job is hard. I decided that there has to be balance here. Often there is one specific night of the week that is devoted to recruiting calls. That way my wife can expect it and not be frustrated. She tells me that it's no good when I'm home but "not home" and the kids and house are STILL totally on her. So, since I can't devote the same amount of time to my job as the single coaches seem to, I have to be more efficient and work faster. I've made it a priority to develop systems and methods to work quickly so I don't drag things out late into the night.

- Weekends away are hard now that my kids are starting soccer and things. We have decided to try and keep it low-key for the kids so that it's not too important for them yet. This actually helps me because if I miss a lot of their games, it's not like I missed these life-altering occasions. However, I don't know how I'm going to deal with this when they get into more competitive sports, especially high school. I also never schedule practice on the weekends. This is partially due to the team needing breaks when we're not racing but also for me to be able to be with my family whenever possible.

- Priorities. I have to remain very focused on what actually matters. These athletes matter a lot to me and their success (and mine) is also very important. However, my actual kids have to be more important than someone else's kids. My hierarchy of priorities as it applies here is: 1. Wife, 2. Kids, 3. Job. Never lose sight of that. I'm not going to miss my kid's program because one of my athletes needs me to time their workouts since they had class during practice. My athlete will be on their own for that and they're aware of it from the start.

- Compartmentalize your time. This was mentioned above but there has to be a time to be at work and a time to be at home. When I'm home, I try to be home. I tell my athletes that unless they have a big emergency then I am unavailable after 5pm. Don't call me. Don't text me at 10pm asking about the workout tomorrow. On the flipside, this helps me not text my team at midnight telling them to remember the meeting tomorrow. It keeps THEIR lives balanced and not always super focused on running-related things.

- Include your family in the job. My athletes are great role models. I teach them things that I want my kids to see as well. My team knows my kids by name and when they show up at the track the team yells out to them and they come running and give their favorite athletes a hug. My wife loves the interaction with the women's team and will often run with them on their easy days. It helps her keep some adult interaction in her life as well. She tries to travel to the local meets to support and, again, expose my kids to high-achieving role models. I think this also helps my athletes remember that I have other responsibilities in my life besides them.

I don't know if this helps the OP or anyone else on the thread but I hope it does. I've got a very happy marriage and I feel my relationship with my kids is very good. I also think my team is successful but in all honesty, we could probably be a little better if I spend 5-10hrs/week more on recruiting but I'm ok with that for now.

Thanks for the advice so far, especially from familia numero uno. As someone starting to make these choices, this is really helpful to read. Any women that would be willing to share their experience?

Familia numero uno, I suspect it helps that your wife was a D1 athlete.

Nevertheless best of luck to you and the OP as you navigate the demands of coaching and most importantly your families.

I think being part of a like-minded staff is super helpful. Handing off your kids to someone who is in agreement with how to help the kids gives you the chance to be a parent, and peace of mind that your efforts during one season won't have been wasted once someone else is in charge.

I don't have kids, but in trying to attain balance in my life and in seeing people who have succeeded and failed, I think there are a few keys.

Whatever it is that's feeling the squeeze (family time), schedule it in, and do it well in advance. That could be particular nights of the week (even if it has to change week to week), weekend activities, etc. Put these things on your calendar as though they are important track meets. If you don't do that, it's too easy to let things slip. In the moment, family time never feels like it's a priority. It's just one night, right? Until it's been just one night for months and months.

Identify your time-sucks. (This website?) Even busy people have a tendency to kill time doing pointless things. It's often because we're mentally tired, and it's a form of rest. But once we start doing it, we can lose absurd amounts of time. This may sound cheesy, but try replacing your time sucks with meditation. It will absolutely recharge you, but it only takes 10-15 minutes, and there's little danger that you're going to start killing time by meditating for 2 hours at a stretch. It's also a good way to transition from one mode to another. If you need to take off the coaching hat and put on the dad hat, a brief meditation can help you let go of the emotions and thoughts that would otherwise distract you.

Communicate. You will never be able to spend as much time with your family as you want to. But all time is not created equal. You can have a fantastic and meaningful family life by making the time you do have count, and a big part of that is making clear, by whatever means they will understand, that you love them.

When your children grows up send them to me and I will find their optimum capacity!

SUPERIOR COACH JS wrote:

When your children grows up send them to me and I will find their optimum capacity!

lol, Jan. you will be over 80 years old!

hope training is going well!

What about your own running? Work 8 hour day, two hour practice, two hour training, late dinner and put the little one to bed most nights. Clearly there are breaks between seasons and when doing summer practices we only meet three days a week to help keep them motivated etc. I am in a position where I hope my son likes running to stick with it and i can coach him up thru high school so i guess im in a unique position compared to most.

Part of it comes down to having a supportive spouse. One of the banquets/dinners I attend every year in my area awards local coaches for their contribution. Almost every year, whoever gets the award has their spouse with them and thanks the spouse for all that they do to allow them to coach. Like you seem to be doing, I have reached out to coaches I see who I feel maintain some balance and ask ed. Many talk about how the summers are sacred, or the inter-season weeks are sacred. Some schedule less meets than others. All say they have a spouse who is supportive.

My wife HATES the indoor season more than anything and due to the nature of where we live, there are girls' meets on Friday nights and guys' meets on Saturday. Once my kids were born, because during the track season I am an assistant, I explained to the head coach that I couldn't do both meets every weekend. We worked it out so that I only do one a week but man, those days are long. We have systems worked out where someone records the races, I can talk to the kids about it them afterwards.

Like someone else stated, they occasionally bring their kids to see what's going on. I'm no different, whether it's having my kids pop on to a virtual meeting right now, or during voluntary Summer stuff and having them run around a little or carry a stop watch, my athletes see me trying to balance things. I also use this to teach them that it is not easy to do everything, all the time.

When I was single I coached

When I became married with kids I stopped. Now I use that time to take my elementary aged kids outside as much as I can. In a way I’m coaching them by promoting physical activity.

When they get to junior high and likely start playing sports after school I plan on getting back to coaching. I’ll be in my late 40s so there’s still plenty of time to have a coaching career. Actually it gives me something to look forward to for my twilight years.

Ultimately, your family comes first. Cat's in the Cradle.