Is there any way to avoid Post-Nuptial Shutoff? Any married guys NOT dealing with it?

The alternative is that you change your mindset or risk never being long-term happy.

Married, second time round, and not experiencing it. Simply put one needs to marry the right woman and one needs to treat her well and make her feel loved. It’s always well worth the effort as generosity is reciprocated by generosity in return.

33, together 7.5 years, married 6 years, 2 young kids. More sex now than when we were dating. I‘m not sure what the secret is, but it is definitely a priority in our marriage. It’s not going to just happen.

It will be all about the woman you marry. Some women are highly sexual and have a high sex drive and they like to please their husbands- put to those two together and you have a great sex life.

Other women have a low sex drive and see it as a necessary duty and once they are married and secure, they stop or at best they are indifferent. They just as rather watch tv or read a book as have sex.

The thing for the male is finding out what is important to you. Can you deal with little to no sex, but a great wife/mother in 9/10 other categories?

AllaboutThaLadies wrote:

It will be all about the woman you marry. Some women are highly sexual and have a high sex drive and they like to please their husbands- put to those two together and you have a great sex life.

Other women have a low sex drive and see it as a necessary duty and once they are married and secure, they stop or at best they are indifferent. They just as rather watch tv or read a book as have sex.

The thing for the male is finding out what is important to you. Can you deal with little to no sex, but a great wife/mother in 9/10 other categories?

Prob more sex is correlated with being a better mother. Means they care more.

Swaglord_the_real_one wrote:

AllaboutThaLadies wrote:

It will be all about the woman you marry. Some women are highly sexual and have a high sex drive and they like to please their husbands- put to those two together and you have a great sex life.

Other women have a low sex drive and see it as a necessary duty and once they are married and secure, they stop or at best they are indifferent. They just as rather watch tv or read a book as have sex.

The thing for the male is finding out what is important to you. Can you deal with little to no sex, but a great wife/mother in 9/10 other categories?

Prob more sex is correlated with being a better mother. Means they care more.

Not at all... many woman go into 100% Mommy Mode and forget they are a wife too, plus the kids steal time and energy from both parties.

Marry a woman who's okay with you sleeping with other women.

20 years married with 4 kids. It's better now than it was 20 years ago. Once we hit 30, it's gotten better and better each year. Treat her well and don't just focus on your own needs.

SummerSlogger wrote:

Not at all... many woman go into 100% Mommy Mode and forget they are a wife too, plus the kids steal time and energy from both parties.

This is a worthy piece of truth that should be told to all people before getting married, so they know about this very VERY possible outcome

Maybe, if kids grow and leave home when the parents are still on their late 40's early 50's there is a chance of a marital life bounce back... or divorces and new partners... who knows

Married almost 20 years, have 2 kids. Sex 5 plus times a week. It really comes down to who you marry. Problem is I'm not sure you can always tell early on.

Married 31 years - 2 kids (adults now).

I can get it once per week if I really beg. 56 year old wife seems to have little interest in sex but will give in if I really put forth the effort. We are both very fit, so it's not like she hates her body (maybe she hates mine).

She has not initiated the activity in years and anything even remotely risque (oral for example) is now out of the question whereas 30 years ago she loved it.

Maybe it's menopause?

Yes, the excitement of dating of falling in love will wear off and if kids come into the picture time and exhaustion will hurt your sex life for awhile.

OP, the common response you're getting is to treat your partner well. Why did you fall in love in the first place? Continue to date and romance her and as you grow together everything will be fine.

Like others have pointed out it really depends. I can say for me 39 married with 2 kids it is definitely not as much of a priority to her as it is to me but it’s still 1-2 times a week. Before the kids it was twice as often as that but still I haven’t really had to go any long stretches other than when the kids were born. From what I have witnessed with friends of mine and what not most often those that end up with very little sex at all during marriage there are other underlying issues going on. Yeah women change after having kids and settling down but so do men. Guys that get nothing from their wives are likely doing something wrong themselves.

Make her pleasure your priority and your odds go up.

coach wrote:

Yes, the excitement of dating of falling in love will wear off and if kids come into the picture time and exhaustion will hurt your sex life for awhile.

OP, the common response you're getting is to treat your partner well. Why did you fall in love in the first place? Continue to date and romance her and as you grow together everything will be fine.

This is a good answer. Women need emotional intimacy too, so if this stays alive and you guys don’t bury yourselves in your kids, work, etc. and make time for just each other you’ll have better luck.

Find activities you can do together. But if you work all day, then go shuttle your kids around everywhere on weekends, and then sit home on your phone, don’t be surprised if she’s not in the mood.

Obviously there is some truth to that, but you're blaming the victim here. Sure if you are a boring cod, but think she's going to come by and want to go all porn star on you when you are fat, out of shape, video game playing turd, you are living in a fantasy world.

But if she NEVER initiates sex, or at least hints at it after a night out, a nice dinner, whatever.. then yeah.. a guy will only ask so many times and after enough rejections or reluctant "ohh.. OK..." he'll just go whack it to some net porn

My dime wife wants it all the time and only wants me. Her ex cheated on her serially, to the point of her needing STD test because of his behavior. Some women like to have fun more than live out their daddy issues. Her drive is much higher than mine, it's a good problem. Just how she's wired, so maybe screen for that trait. I'm not tryna make her have babies, either.

No brainer wrote:

Married almost 20 years, have 2 kids. Sex 5 plus times a week. It really comes down to who you marry. Problem is I'm not sure you can always tell early on.

This. There's a lot you can't see in your 20s that becomes impossible to not see a decade or more later. I see so many 20s-30s women today that I would've wanted to pursue when I was that age yet I see so much in their body language and other subtle yet definite signs that clearly denote trouble.

I think there is a difference between victim-blaming and an explanation. A lot of people stop putting effort into their marriage after a decade or so and focus on their work, kids, and other hobbies. It's no shock that the relationship gets a little stale as a result.

It's a two-way street and I am not saying this is exclusively a problem with men or with women, but that sexual spark is gone. I'm sympathetic to a man in that situation, but I'm also not going to blame a woman for not forcing herself to have sex with someone with whom she has lost her connection with.

There are things both parties can do to improve the relationship, which I think IS an obligation in the marriage. And if that happens on both sides, the fireworks should naturally go off a little more often. And since a man is asking for advice, this is a response to that-- you can do your part and pay attention to your wife a little bit. Hopefully he picked someone who communicates well and will want to work on making things better. But lack of sex is a symptom of a problem, not the problem. And playing the victim card and blaming your woman for a lack of sex drive isn't going to help you get any action.