I got engaged a year ago, and my fiance did ask my father's permission before proposing to me. But the funny part was that my dad was kind of losing his hearing and my fiance was really nervous so he was talking quickly and my dad had to ask him to repeat himself several times. That night my dad told me "I think he was trying to ask me something, but I never could hear what it was." But after he figured it out, I think he really appreciated that J would ask him.
As my grandfather would say, "Is she a looker or a cooker?"
This is very relevant.
Bangers and Mash wrote:
Usually, the people who refuse to conform are the abrasive type of people who tend to seriously annoy others anyway, so I guess it really wouldn't matter.
Coincidentally, the people who defend such customs are usually just the same.
I am going to ask my to-be father-in-law. Not because I believe he is giving his daughter away, but because he might have some input on the matter that I havent thought about.
Let's face it, people in this country are short sided morons when it comes to marriage and getting an outside opinion might be the best thing for all of us.
i asked wrote:
i asked both parents and they greatly apprecieated the gesture. I know of only one guy who didn't ask and he'll take shit for it for the rest of his life (jokingly that is...it's not that the in-laws were very offended).
asking the parents is a good tradition and a sign of respect. people who think otherwise truly suck.
Well, let's see. I didn't ask. My best friend didn't ask his father-in-law-to-be. Neither did another good friend of mine. My brother-in-law didn't ask my parents before he married my sister.
In every case of which I'm aware, the marriage proposal was between the couple and the parents were informed later. Perhaps it's a tradition among your peer group, but it sure isn't among mine.
DontFeedTheTroll wrote:
Perhaps it's a tradition among your peer group, but it sure isn't among mine.
it's a tradition among all groups who still have good family values and respect for elders.
My husband asked my Dad. He's traditional in many senses, so he wanted to because it felt symbolic and meaningful but I think there was a practical aspect too.
He took him out to coffee, told him why he wanted to marry me, asked permission, then asked for advice. We both admire my parents marriage and feel we can learn from them. Plus it sets a good tone for the future of the relationship between the 4 of you.
I gave my in-laws the heads up. I was always at their home anyway. My brother-in-law's did not. Guess who's the favorite son-in-law??? I can do no wrong! As has been oft-repeated, you marry into a family. Man up and have the 10 second conversation. You'll reap benefits for the rest of your marriage.
So should you include the mother? It seems respectful to include the mother but if you are doing something because it's custom, should you just stick to the custom? Or is the traditional custom to ask the parents and not just the father?
I told both. Why not? It wasn't a tough discussion. We'd been dating over 3 years and I was comfortable in their house. Still, things change after marriage. That conversation has contributed to the great relationship I have with my in-law's.
I did not ask. But, I sat down with both of my in-laws and broke the news. I told them what I planned to do and when/how I planned to do it. I showed them the ring. I don't think that you need to ask in this day and age, but it was exciting to include them in the build up. I gave them the chance to object, but never asked for their permission. I think that it helped to build a stronger bond between us.
thejokerontherun wrote:
So should you include the mother? It seems respectful to include the mother but if you are doing something because it's custom, should you just stick to the custom? Or is the traditional custom to ask the parents and not just the father?
Good question, I think it depends on the family. I did not include my mother-in-law, but it was b/c I knew her well, and knew that she would enjoy the surprise when it happened. I was kind of nervous about it though, and I think I even apologized later.
She told me she was happy I didn't tell her, as it would have spoiled the surprise.
If you don't know them well, I would ask both too be on the safe side. I knew my MIL pretty well, so I took that risk.
I did something similar. I didn't exactly ask, but I did sit down with her dad and let him know. I then asked her father if I should also let the mom know, and he thought it would be appreciated so I did. I believe it does show some respect, and there is nothing to lose by doing it. Little efforts like this go a long way, particularly with parents of an older generation that have always had such traditions.
Asking her dad for approval is the right thing to do. It is dishonorable not to. It shows a lot to her family and to her. It is not mandatory but things will be a lot better if you ask. It is hard to ask the dad but it always makes for a good story.
I asked, he said yes, she said no.
I asked. Worked out well, He was touched that I asked and did find it classy and because of it we have a good relationship.
he has since invited me on (and paid for) fishing trips to Canada and Mexico, put my name on deed to condo, etc. All things I was expecting, but are nice perks indeed.
So in conclusion ( ;0 ) just ask first.
bummer wrote:
I asked, he said yes, she said no.
oh god. this post just ruined my day. kind of funny though.
Yeah, it is a tradition. But some traditions are stupid.
I wish I had asked and he had said No, would have saved me a lot of grief.
Really? Asking a 25-30 year old woman's father for permission to mary her? What the hell does he have to do with it at that point?
What a ridiculous notion...