Was I wrong to take off my wedding ring?

If everything you have been saying is true, I would just like to say that I really admire the way you are handling the situation. It's so easy to become completely irrational especially when someone else flies off the deep end first. Through all of this you have remained calm and level headed. The last reaction you gave of your wife honestly doesn't seem good...but there could always be the chance something else is going on that might explain everything. I think the best two pieces of advice you've gotten on here are to protect your assets and also DO NOT APPOLOGIZE. I think anyone who freaks out about a situation such as yours with a wedding ring (when there is no reason to have previous suspicions) is just being ridiculous. Yes, a ring is a symbol. But a symbol cannot make your break your marriage. You can JUST as easily cheat with a wedding ring on. Most people who have affairs, no matter what side of the party, KNOW the other person is in a relationship. If your wife can't trust you...it's going to be a terrible way to end what could have been a great relationship but I guess it's something you might have to go through. Good luck and I hope everything works out for the best!

Uncle, this thread is way too overwhelming.

I just spoke with my wife. She believes I "betrayed" our marriage vows by removing the ring. I did not apologize to her because I felt I did nothing wrong. I then asked her if this was more about an issue she was having and was using the whole ring thing as a way to cover it up. She acted "dumb" so I asked her what her sister asked her yesterday about whether there was another guy or not. She turned every shade of red on her face and I swear I thiught she was going to pop a blood vessel in her head. She quickly accused me of trying to deflect the poroblem on her. We spent the better part of an hour going back and forth on this. As it stands now, I have not slept with my wife who I love very much for 2 days, today will probably be the third, I lost a couple of pounds, haven't slept much, and am totally sick over this. I am going to be speaking with an lawyer later in the week. I do not want out of the marriage, but I am perparing for the worst. Thank you all for your support.

DUDE! Wake UP!!!!

You don't want out of the marriage? Are you an effing masochist?

I'm going to come over to your house and remove your nuts if you stay with this psycho babe so you don't reproduce.

Is she your first girlfriend or something? Or is she really good in bed (she better be)...she better be an effing Victoria's Secret Model with a boat load of cash if you decide to stick with her.

Short of that - dump that bitch - DTB all the way!

Protect your assets, change your locks, cancel your credit cards and get new ones without her name....sign up for fraud protection, get a new phone number...get AWAY FROM HER! Definitely get a legal separation so she doesn't rack up any debt in both of your names!

God...can't believe you want to stay in the marriage.

DUDE...it's over.

In the loop wrote:

Franque Soda wrote:

My wedding ring is probably off more than on. It's never on when I sleep, run, do any work around the house or, for that matter, when my wife and I have sex. I'm simply too afraid to lose it.

That reminds me, could you do me a big favor and tell her I'd really love to get my watch back if it has re-surfaced? Thanks.

So you're admitting you've never been with a woman?

In a lot of trouble wrote:

She quickly accused me of trying to deflect the problem on her.

And the answer is?

We spent the better part of an hour going back and forth on this.

No, she needs to answer the question.

In the meantime, be completely prepared, and move on.

No, don't move on. Put your foot down, demand a resolution here, show her that you love her and that you respect the covenant of your marriage as much as you (obvious to us) do.

This is your wife, not a girlfriend. You don't just "move on" because there's a conflict, or scrap a lifelong commitment because she flew off the handle. Women are emotional. Now, if there is more to this, which appears to be the case, it needs to come out in the open. And if she cheated on you that fast maybe your marriage is over. But get this all out on the table before taking the wrecking ball to something that is supposed to last until death do you part.

I didn't mean that to sound like I was lecturing the OP, I just want to encourage him to keep doing the right thing, and not give up just because things are tough now.

I agree with AKMarmoset...

People are so quick to jump to the idea of divorce these days...just look at this message board. No wonder the divorce rate is 52%. If you love your wife, you should be willing to swallow your pride and assure her that you are faithful to her and are sick over this problem. Get another ring that wont irritate your skin. The thing that everyone needs to realize is that we are human beings and we ALL make mistakes. If your wife is truly having an affair, then that's another issue. If she apologizes and wants to make it work, then there's a lot of healing that needs to take place. It's not impossible to save a marriage with infidelity, just VERY hard and takes a lot of commitment.

Getting married is a tough transition. It just is. No one is perfect and the people on here calling your wife a "nutjob" are out of line because no one can judge your relationship. If you really want to make it work, you can. Just know that most of the growth that you will experience in your marriage comes through dealing with difficult times. You will never experience a true marriage connection unless you stick through the hard times. You will be greatly rewarded if you do.

I can appreciate those suggesting he 'see it through' but there is no way around two underlying issues; she IS more than likely looking for a way out and her reaction is simply not normal..... "My husband took off his wedding band.." So I moved out. WTF!!! In Va this is considered abandonment under the law. Men do this at their wives(soon to be ex) request and get drilled in court on a regular basis.

Before this ridiculous situation makes any progress she needs to come clean and explain her over reaction. In reality this one is in the books and the ring incident has simply expedited things.

Assuming the OP is telling the truth, this reaction by his wife goes beyond just the "emotional" tiff that a person would throw. Her reaction leads me to believe that he should at least reserve the wrecking ball. She got furious and left the house for 3 days, an refused to talk to him, just because he took his ring off due to it giving him a rash. This goes beyond getting angry to violent irrational anger stage. In my opinion there are only two possibilities here.

1. She cheated on him, or just wants out of the marriage and is looking for anything to get angry at him for.

2. She has some severe mental issues.

Let's look at possibility 1. That would make her a woman of no integrity, no honor and he would truly be better off leaving her.

In possibility 2, he will have to worry about her losing her sanity at the most inopportune times. She might be able to control it with meds but this will be a struggle the rest of the time they are together. He has to ask himself if he wants to put up with incidents like this one at least 2 times a year. If the answer is no, he needs to end it and move on.

Your suggestion that he swallow his pride and work through this with her is very short sighted. No one should tolerate behavior such as she displayed, and if the info posted by the OP is correct, I feel totally in line calling her a "nutjob". This has nothing to do with judging their relationship, it has everything to do with her behavior and actions.

You claim that he will be rewarded if he sticks through the hard times. The problem is, I believe he will have nothing but hard times with this woman with little if no good times.

Ed

I agree, crazy woman (that's redundant).

I take mine off when I shower and go swimming because I don't want to lose it. My wife doesn't care about that. If I was asked if I rather wear it or not...I would say not. It's annoying to wear sometimes and I don't like jewelery.

Even though it seems drastic, getting the lawyer ready is a good idea. It's understandable that you don't want out of the marriage but at least you aren't fooling yourself that something is DEFINITELY wrong.

As a last resort, I would sit her down one more time and force her to have a BLACK AND WHITE conversation. No bullshitting, or accusing anyone, or arguing. Just sit down with the following questions and CALMLY and RATIONALLY ask/answer them:

SHE should ask YOU:

1. Is there ANY other reason you took off the wedding ring other than the skin rash?

(obviously your answer is no, but she'll need to hear this one more time).

2. Have you ever cheated or thought of cheating on her or would you in the future?

(I'm assuming this would also be no...)

YOU ask HER:

1. Is there another reason besides me taking off my ring that you are contemplating out of this marriage? Make sure she knows this is her last chance to answer honestly.

2. Restate that you have and always will be faithful to her, and will work better to communicate with her if you have to take off your ring because these things happen and it's WRONG for her to go crazy. Make sure to tell her that a piece of jewlery is a symbol of your marriage but you taking it off to clear up a skin rash is in NO way violating your marriage. Then ask her "Do you believe I'm faithful and that this is just a misunderstanding, would you like to fix this and move on?"

Obviously that will be the final question...and if at any point in time she becomes irrational or beats around the bush or tries to complicate the question, just remind her that it's a BLACK AND WHITE conversation and you are trying to make some progress. Arguing and (potentially lying on her part or hiding a secret) aren't going to help solve anything.

I'm a female and I find it infuriating that you can't solve simple arguments with other females because they will argue over anything instead of just addressing the simple questions/problems at hand and thinking about their behavior/reactions in a rational manner. Honestly, if she can't be an adult and have this conversation with you and make progress in ANY direction...I would have second thoughts about her anyways.

Neliah1059 wrote:

I'm a female and I find it infuriating that you can't solve simple arguments with other females because they will argue over anything instead of just addressing the simple questions/problems at hand and thinking about their behavior/reactions in a rational manner. Honestly, if she can't be an adult and have this conversation with you and make progress in ANY direction...I would have second thoughts about her anyways.

You are not a female. No woman thinks like this....

These two people decided to join in a union of marriage together. That is not some casual thing. Problems come up in marriage. I think it's pretty sad that people are so quick to settle things by running away. Maybe she's doing that, now? Maybe she's scared? Is he reassuring her and meeting her needs? WHO KNOWS? There are so many things that go into making a marriage work and according to a lot of people on here it's just easier to give up than try to honor vows that were made less than a year ago (on both of their ends)!

Marriage is perfect, people aren't. Honoring the commitment that you made when you married is the only thing that's going to get you through the times when your spouse is unlovable. And it happens! But, things always get better and you grow TOGETHER. You've chosen to weather the storm rather than sink the ship.

Neliah1059 wrote:

I'm a female and I find it infuriating that you can't solve simple arguments with other females because they will argue over anything instead of just addressing the simple questions/problems at hand and thinking about their behavior/reactions in a rational manner.

It sounds to me that you don't like females, however I disagree that everyone is the same. This is an issue of behavior, not gender.

Whether or not he took the ring off is not important. I would venture that her having an affair is not all that important either. However her erratic undependable behavior and lack of communication breaks the deal. Without good communication and responsibility there is no relationship.

And I didn't say it is over. It is a possibility that everything will be resolved and they will be happy ever after, but it wouldn't be with someone like me. Once you stab me in the back a few times you are history.

The best thing for the Op is to look on the bright side and move on.

You and your wife should really read a book called "The Love Dare." Great book that can help any relationship no matter where it is at. Don't just throw away your marriage, it's worth more than that.

Marriage is perfect? You must be speaking from a view point of religion. Things do not always get better. Maybe temporarily. I have three real examples for you.

My wife's grandmother was married to a man who constantly cheated on her. She believe that your vows are sacred and you stay with someone even when things are bad. She kept working and working. Everyone told her to leave him. Eventually he ended up dying from a heart attack with no life insurance and she was stuck with the bill and never had more then momentary happiness in that marriage and is bitter to this day that she did not leave him while he was alive.

A good friend of mine, my roommate from my freshman year of college, married a girl that he thought he was in love with. She had mental problems as well. She slept around on him, but he would always take her back. He firmly believed that you work on your marriage when things aren't so good. She accused him of rapping her. Even though the rape kit was negative, he was convicted and was sent to jail for 10 years and is now on the sex offender registry. She admitted after sentencing that she had made it up, but the appeals court has refused to hear his case.

My final example is a friend of my wife. He was married to a women who was just plain evil. Much like my college friend, she accused him of raping her so that she could get out of the marriage and run away with her boyfriend. The rape kit in this case was also negative. The rape charge was dropped but he was convicted of sexual assault and sentenced to 5 years and is now on the sex offender registry.

Crazy women have way to much power to risk staying married to one. Marriages do not always get better if you work on them. Marriage is perfect? No. I will give you this. It takes two people working together to make a marriage work. If the other is unwilling to do their part staying together out of some stupid religious sense of obligation can make the rest of your life miserable.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.