What's with girls thinking that you should always side with them no matter what? I'm at a loss on this. If my mother and my girlfriend were in a fight and my mom was clearly right, I wouldn't hesitate to take my mom's side, and the reverse is true. Generally I try to stay out of that crap because it's just a disaster waiting to happen for me, but women need to figure something out, you're not always right, and sometimes you need to be told so. Get over yourselves.
Some of us do know that!
Taking the side of someone based on anything other than who is right or wrong is a recipe for disaster. I can see why some people would do it for an easy life but when you start to twist honesty long term it doesn't work. Anyone who is reasonable will understand that.
Payday wrote:
To the poster that mention being the head female if you ever got married. Why is it important that you are the boss? If I was a mother and my son got married, why would I want anyone over me?? Let me ask you a question. If you and I got married, would I be over your father assuming he is still alive? Would he be ok with that arrangement?
I'm not saying that the wife can or should dictate how the mother should run her life or make rules for her. It's not about being the boss, but about being the equal partner to your husband. If I got married, I would expect that my husband and I would make important life decisions together. What he wanted would take far more priority than what my parents wanted. I often ask my father for advice and I tell him when I'm moving or changing jobs, but I'm free to take it or leave it or not ask him at all. I'd not make a big decision without the advice of my husband.
My friend was married to a guy who thought his mother was the "head female". When he had a major life decision, he would consult his mother first, then tell his wife what he and his mother had decided. His parents picked out their house with him, picked out their church, and told them when they should have children, which was the last straw. You want to be married to a woman who tells you what she and her family have decided about your life?
As for standing by your wife in a disagreement, you don't have to roll over and agree to everything she's saying when she's wrong. However, I guarantee you that your life will go much smoother if when she is wrong, you either stay out of it or call her away and let her know in private, especially if it is going to take any degree of convincing. Nothing will be gained in pointing out that she is wrong in front of other people. I'm sure when you are wrong, you would want your wife to tell you quietly instead dissecting you in front of others.
yetanotherchickwrote
I'm not saying that the wife can or should dictate how the mother should run her life or make rules for her. It's not about being the boss, but about being the equal partner to your husband. If I got married, I would expect that my husband and I would make important life decisions together. What he wanted would take far more priority than what my parents wanted. I often ask my father for advice and I tell him when I'm moving or changing jobs, but I'm free to take it or leave it or not ask him at all. I'd not make a big decision without the advice of my husband.
My friend was married to a guy who thought his mother was the "head female". When he had a major life decision, he would consult his mother first, then tell his wife what he and his mother had decided. His parents picked out their house with him, picked out their church, and told them when they should have children, which was the last straw. You want to be married to a woman who tells you what she and her family have decided about your life?
As for standing by your wife in a disagreement, you don't have to roll over and agree to everything she's saying when she's wrong. However, I guarantee you that your life will go much smoother if when she is wrong, you either stay out of it or call her away and let her know in private, especially if it is going to take any degree of convincing. Nothing will be gained in pointing out that she is wrong in front of other people. I'm sure when you are wrong, you would want your wife to tell you quietly instead dissecting you in front of others.
That actually sounds quite reasonable. This guy was an idiot, and either he was quite deceptive or your friend was an idiot for marrying him in the first place. But when it comes to major life decisions your wife clearly comes before your mother in order of importance.
I'm just not interested in always agreeing with someone, maybe this is just a personal current relationship issue, but it seems to me that women want you to always agree with them, and it's just not going to happen that way.
I guess it's hard for you guys to understand exactly how horrible mother in laws can be. Even worse are the guys that stand by that nonsense. My sister has a monster for a MIL that's constantly criticizing her and giving her kids stuff she has explicitly said not to. Difference is, her husband stands by his wife and has asked his mother to keep her opinions regarding his family to herself . They still see each other and he has a good relationship with his mother, but is also a good husband.
folks, it also depends on what city you live in.
if a one bedroom condo costs $300,000 or renting a 400 sq feet apt costs $1200 per month in your area, then I would recommend moving to a cheaper city.
i live in chicago area and lived with my parents after college for 1 yr. I could not take it any longer, but I wasn't planning on renting in chicago and there was no way I could afford anything.
So one day I quit my job and drove down to Austin, TX and never looked back. I got a 700 sq feet apt for $600per month and in 3 years bought a 1600 sq feet house for $130K in 2001. My house will be paid in full in 2 years and I rent out two bedrooms.
There is no reason to stay in your parents home if you really do not want to. There are options out there. Most people who stay at their parents home use $$$ as an excuse to stay because they are just too afraid of taking any risks or too afraid of growing up.
There is a distinct difference between a MIL that butts in when she has no business doing so and a MIL that wants to have a part in her son's, DIL's, and grandkids' lives.
I will agree that she shouldn't force her will on the DIL or anyone's life, but you have to accept her in your life. Just as he should accept your parents in his.
There shouldn't be a dominant anyone in a family. Yes certain problems will take priority over others but that doesn't justify making problems just to get attention.
If his mother became handicapped or senile or whatever and she needed attention or some kind of financial help, would you be supportive or would you bust his balls and pull the her or me move?
I am not saying that the wife isn't important. She is very important. Some cases more important than the husband, but what I am saying is priorities are. If the kids need your time, you concentrate on the kids. If you or him need something then you concentrate on that. If one of the parents have a nissue, then worry about that. As long as the needs are legit why should either of you worry.
If you have issues with your MIL, then maybe you two should talk it out or at least you should try to be the better person and make a mends. There will always be issues with extended families, but you should have thought that one out before you got married.
Well I'm glad I'm not marrying you.
The decisions are made primarily between the husband and the wife, who have the responsibility of making sure the needs of everyone else in the family are met.
If someone needs help, then the husband and wife should decide together what kind of help they'll be able to provide.
Times when a parent needs serious help are usually going to be more rare than other life decisions. Let's say that your wife gets a great job offer in a place where you can also get a good job. Your mommy (who is in good health and capable of traveling/visiting) doesn't want you to move away. Are you really going to give mommy equal say in that decision? It's not a "MIL issue", because the issue is with you.
Payday wrote:
There will always be issues with extended families, but you should have thought that one out before you got married.
I agree! Hence the answer to the original question: I wouldn't want to be with a guy whose mommy picks out his clothes. That's one of the things i look for in a man, someone that looks after himself and can stand on his own.
BTW, I was just answering the question and after than was thinking about why I thought it would be bad to have a bf that lived with his mom. I'm already married myself. Big shout out to my MIL that is great and hasn't given me one bit of grief. :)
Of course it is between my wife and I if we move somewhere else to have a better life. I would not let my mother come between that or any decision like that.
I think the disconnect between us is when you use the worlds "more important" when you talk about family members. Just because I move away doesn't mean someone still isn't important to me. No I won't spend the same time with that person as I did in the past, but they are still important just as my wife or to be wife is.
I guess what I am gathering from your posts is that once you are married that your parents are less important that before you got married. Granted if you move you they won't be apart of your life as much, but how did they become less important. Someone can be just as important if I see them a couple of times a year verses a wife that I will see practically everyday.
When you say someone is "more important" than someone else, it sounds like you care less about the other person. At least that was what I was gathering from it.
Well if your parents were number one in your life in regards to advice, decision making, and time spent with them, they can't keep occupying that space after you get married. It doesn't mean they're less important as people, but their role in your choices is less than your wife's.
I wasn't really talking about adult men who love their parents but have an independent life. This thread started about men living with their parents, and IMO, even if it's for a good reason like as a caretaker, when you're with your parents every day under the same roof, it's easy to start going to them first about day to day things. A woman who's interested in such a guy is going to have some concerns when she sees that, because it can be a hard habit to break. Yes, you can always keep sharing and talking with your parents, but as I said before, a wife isn't going to be happy if she's always the last to know what you and your parents decided about your life together.
That's awesome!
I have to agree. There are always options. I have a friend who is 39 and still living with his parents. I don't think he has a clue that there's something he can do about his situation, if only he tried.
wait a sec wrote:
What's with girls thinking that you should always side with them no matter what? I'm at a loss on this. If my mother and my girlfriend were in a fight and my mom was clearly right, I wouldn't hesitate to take my mom's side, and the reverse is true. Generally I try to stay out of that crap because it's just a disaster waiting to happen for me, but women need to figure something out, you're not always right, and sometimes you need to be told so. Get over yourselves.
You're talking about a girlfriend, I'm talking about a wife. Big difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife, dude. Don't EVER let the mother into issues between you and your wife.
Let me put it this way. If I had a problem or an issue, I would go to my wife or significant other first. Yes that may make her "number 1" as far as who I go to with a problem or a situation.
I have never been involved with any fights between my mother and g'friends so I guess I am at a loss there.
I try so sepreate my life for the most part. If I have an issue with my mother, it is between my mother and myself. If I have an issue with my woman, I will keep it between us. I may love my mother, but I don't need her to help me gang up on my mother to make her change her mind on something. Maybe my woman is right about something and it takes time for me to get it or maybe I can show her that I have a point.
You don't have to look at your mother-in-law as an enemy if you have a mature man. It means she did her job.