How Can I get My Son to Work Harder

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, sounds like a normal kid for his age to me.You say all these positive things about your child then say BUT HE SEEMS TO ONLY DO THE BARE MINIMUM TO GET BY.I'M not there nor am I this kids parent BUT I have two and one is now a 25 year old young lady and the other is an 18 year old son.My son was what you described about yours at his age and some kids are just like that at certain stages.He gave me fits at times and when he hit fifteen oh GOD how I let him get to me but with a little counseling and the son figured out if he didn't make good grades in high school then he would never make it in college and now he is making awesome grades plus half way behaving. Actually he has turned into an awesome young man and I'm proud of him. Sometimes pushing a male too hard will back fire on a parent....It did on mine lol and on me. If he is doing fair at everything why push him into the rat race of life.....let him be a kid because we only get to one time.

I went through a phase similar to that in middle school. Probably not too uncommon for boys that age. I recall I didn't have much interest in anything other than video games and maybe math class (where I was just good enough to excel without really studying too much).

I'm not exactly sure what my parents did to steer me through those years, but they were never too controlling. I recall things like having computer privileges taken away if I was really ignoring school, but you really can't make a child follow anything but his interests. Reward and acknowledge him for what he does well, but really encourage him to try harder in his other subjects too. I wouldn't suggest anything too harsh unless he's really about to blow it, and then you just do what you have to do to get him on track.

There will come a time though... I distinctly recall, in 10th grade, realizing that I was actually pretty good at writing and studying just about anything I put myself to. From that point on, I really threw myself into school, did quite well, ended up getting scholarships, and now I'm at a top-10 lib arts school and loving it.

Five to six years at that point in a kid's life can make a huge difference. Support him, direct him, get him to work hard at something at the very least. You seem like you're not very big on the ADD idea, and I very much agree. Unless there are obvious clinical problems, don't dope your kid up, no matter what the school officials say. If it comes to that, have a serious talk about your skepticism with a pediatrician.

As far as comparing him to his siblings, I was the second born son of five of which the fourth sibling was a female. So four boys and one girl. My older brother was only one year older....he always made excellent grades in school but was lazy as hell in working around the house. I grew up in the South...yeah we are a redneck family and as far as yard work and working in Dads garden and on the Grandfathers farm I outworked them all except they all did way better in school than I for I hated school and mingling with other kids alot.I liked playing football and baseball at school but as far as learning in High School I could have cared less at the time. They all graduated high school--Three with honors and the other did ok, but me I dropped out in the eleventh grade and took the good ol GED. Of course I had been into drinking and smoking dope for several years prior. And all of my other siblings went to major universities and got degrees, one Electrical engineer, one in speech communications, one got a forestry degree then a Masters in Business, and the Narcisist--don't have time to look up the speeling--- got a BS in buisness,a masters degree in Accounting, then became a lawyer and mom loves him the most because he is sooooooooo successful, he has an airplane and five beach condos so mom says and this makes him so great. Well me....the high school dropout that took the GED...I ain't moms favorite but I later in life managed to go to a junior college for two years and make the deans list most every quarter, then I transferred to a major university and went three quarters but dropped out for we had a child coming. I was the black sheep of the family for years because I drank every day and smoked weed and got mean as hell when drunk and got thrown in jail for it multiple times...no felonies thank goodness, DUI'S to the max, weed charges, all types of motor vehicle violations,attempting to elude, wreckless driving(speeds excess of 130 mph), speeding,no mufflers, hot rodding in general while intoxicated describes me back then best.

But now I have been clean and sober fifteen years and am no longer the black sheep of the family lol. Guess who is though moms won't admit it...........................................................................IT'S THE NARCISTIC LAWYER BROTHER THAT IS EXTREEMLY WEALTHY AND STAYS DRUNK ALL THE TIME.And he is a true narscist a word I can't seem to figure the speeling on but again I'm not going to go get a dictionary,for we diagnosed him before the psychiatrist did but mom can't seem to grasp the concept that he is sexually intercoursed up.See he will never be able to see that he has a problem due to his Narcisism and he is going to die from obesity and cirosis, I won't look that word up either, of the liver if someone doesn't kill him first becasue of the way he acts due to his that big ol NAR WORD LOL.....and he is in the rat race big time, got a plane,a big yaht, five condos, money to burn,Wife divorced him and he has two children he hasn't seen in 1.5 years because he has chosen not to see them.

Now I kinda envy his money but not the rest and I have clinical depression/anxiety disorder and this hurts like hell at times to.....I lost my job of ten years five months ago and have yet to be able to get another one...BUT EVEN WITH ALL THE PAIN OF MY DEPRESSION/ANXIETY...I'd rather be me than him and I'm jobless to and this doesn't feel good especially in front of my son.

There has been way more tragedy in my family than I care to get into or you will care to read but one day yours will be grown...maybe he will be like me( i hope not) maybe he will be like the Narcisist brother....(i hope not), maybe he will be like my older Electrical Engineer brother that is now on disability due to mental illness, again i hope not, but I hope he may be like my youngest brother the forester with the masters in business or my sister for they are the sanest of us five. Nothing in life is perfect and perfection can drive some of us crazy. Good luck with your children......

... I hope "Poster"'s story was a joke, because I thought it was funny.

Anyways, there are some great suggestions in this thread. Just let him try new things and find out what motivates him and really encourage him in that one thing. Kids need motivation and encouragement and everything else can fall into place. Sounds like he just hasn't found his "thing" yet in life, and that's fine most kids in Jr High - High School go through that phase. Just don't discourage him for trying new things and skills. Help the process along a little bit but just find out what motivates him.

Motivation is everything. If he can get motivated in just one activity or area in life it will carry over to the others.

RI runner wrote:

Promise to get him laid. Works every time.

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This is the best advice so far.

tell him he can't and he will...

obviously don't word it quite like "you can't do this or that"

but maybe pose school or running as a challenge

Rode Worrier wrote:

Thanks I appreciate the comments; some good ideas except maybe the "leaving him alone" comment. Any parent knows kids need direction, some more than others.

Hit a nerve.

Not suprised.

Let the kid in on your master plan.

Show him this thread you started on letsrun about him.

Let him advise you.

Treat him in an open honest way instead of being hit parent.

I really want to call you an idiot.

oops just did.

Charlie

whirledpeas wrote:

he needs to experience hardship, and not be rescued from it.

learn the hard way = learn how input effects outcome

i gotta agree with this. the difference i have noticed in education today compared with when i was growing up is the expectations of parental involvment in kids' school. from day 1 i.e. 1st grade, my parents basically told me "school is your job, if you want to flunk, that is your problem". they couldn't help me with homework cause they weren't very educated themselves. If i was struggling in a class, i either had to figure it out, ask the teacher, or pay the price and get the bad grade. my choice.

today, from kindergarten on teachers assign homework where the parents are expected to help their kid out. so kids grow up thinking "i really don't have to get the concept while i'm in school so i can zone out when teacher talks. i don't have to work hard at this cause my mom or dad is going to help me if i don't get it".

from day 1, kids never realize that their education should be their own cause parents are expected to help, it's the given. it's tough to see kids struggle but learning the lesson of personal responsibility in grammar school has far fewer consequences than learning it later on in life.

As an educator and coach let me tell you first, boys will be boys. ADD is over diagnosed and should be reserved for the very few who really have it. In my 10 years or so working in education I would say only 4-5 students really had a this issue, while hundreds were diagnosed.

My personally opinion. Take away the computer and video games and limit his TV. Children are addicted. One parent I spoke with took away the computer and cut off the cable TV. It sucks for the Dad who is an avid sports fan but his kid has really turned around.

Of course everyone is different but start there. Not asaying you are like this but I would say 90% of parents now days let thier kids go off into their room, play computer, watch TV etc. It is an easy out for them as a parent and they use the excuse (I have actually heard this) "At least they are not out on the streets getting in trouble or doing drugs."

Well, they are not any less neglected then those whose parents are high or are never there either. So my opinion, start with taking away the computer!

Looking back on it and really realizing that middle school (6-8th grade) doesnt mean jack, I would say that you need to just relax. I was a lazy, fat, annoying, db of a kid in middle school but ended up just the opposite.

More than likely he will snap into it once he gets to high school and realizes that he needs to do well if he wants to go on to college. Also make sure he does a sport right off the bat in high school. My parents forced me to sign up for something. I had been doing football but just wanted to sit on my ass and do nothing so decided to quit it after 8th grade. My mom was a runner and my friend was joining CC so I decided to give it a go. Ended up captain of the cross and track team with some respectable times at the end of my senior year.

Just give him time and if by say sophomore year in high school he hasnt started to be a better student, athlete, friend, son, etc. then you should get it sorted out of tack some action.

Actually the school is pretty emphatic about NOT helping my child with schoolwork. They want to be able to monitor his results in class and not see the parents results. I tend to agree.