Dating a binge drinker

Precipitate the crisis; issue the ultimatum.

You will not benefit either of you proceeding longer in the mire.

Wow, bail out on someone that he might actually care about because she has problems? Seems shallow to me. IF you care about her why not help her get her act together. Getting drunk once in a while is not the end of the world, but if it is effecting your relationship it would seem better to try to help her rather than leave her. Assuming that she is binge drinking a lot and is an alcoholic, wouldn't you feel guilty if you "bail out" and then she hurts herself more?If it is just a fling than I can see leaving, but if you care about her help her.

bororun wrote:

Since you mentioned that she is in her 30's and still doing this, then I would bail out. In my earlier post I was for some reason under the impression that you were closer to college age.

As the initial poster stated, he has been dating her for 6 months - which is still a relatively short period of time to be in a relationship.

His girl is in her 30's, is WELL beyond the age where it is acceptable (if there is a time where it's acceptable) to go out and get blackout drunk. And assuming this is not her first relationship then it has more than likely been a problem before. This girl obviously has a problem, and when he mentioned it to her, she gets pissed - hence, he has tried (somewhat) to help.

With these factors combined, I would get out of it. There is nothing shallow about looking out for yourself first and not wanting to have to deal with an abusive drunk. Since she is in her 30's it will likely take a bit of time to get her out of her problems if in fact she is even willing to try. The option to be Mother Theresa is always available (and there isn't anything wrong with being that way, I guess), but in this situation I would "bail out" as i stated before.

Did the OP ever say how frequently this occurs? If it's intefering with her professional life? It's clearly starting to intefere with her personal life as the OP is affected. Be a man and tell her. She may think you're both having fun together.

If someone wants to drink now and then, and they don't have a family/children to support, and they don't get behind a wheel, that's not the worst thing in the world.

I wonder what that "B******" word is that they censor. Let's try...

B-U-L-L-O-C-K: Bullock. Nope, that one's OK.

B-L-O-W-J-O-B: Blo\wjob. Nope, that one's fine too.

B-U-S-H-N-I-K: B******. Ah, we've found it. Makes sense.

maybe? wrote:

Wow, bail out on someone that he might actually care about because she has problems? Seems shallow to me. IF you care about her why not help her get her act together. Getting drunk once in a while is not the end of the world, but if it is effecting your relationship it would seem better to try to help her rather than leave her.

Assuming that she is binge drinking a lot and is an alcoholic, wouldn't you feel guilty if you "bail out" and then she hurts herself more?

If it is just a fling than I can see leaving, but if you care about her help her.

Dumping her and telling her why would probably help her a lot more than sticking around. If she stops and comes back, maybe...

Sorry, but if she has a drinking problem, $hit's gotta fly before she decides to change. Go to an AA meeting and you'll see.

I dated and married a woman like the OP describes. She would binge drink and totally melt down and we would end up in huge fights. It would happen about every weekend, and at most special family times and events.

I would be the DD and take care of her as she puked and cried and yelled etc. Get her cleaned up and tucked into bed.

After many years of this she had an affair and revealed a horrible history of sexual abuse she suffered as a child.

We divorced and it was a nightmare. In my humble experience people that drink like this have major issues and are trying to medicate themselves.

My advice:

Dump her. You can't care more about someone then they care about themselves. It took years of being with this woman for the truth to finally come out. Don't waste your time and emotional health on a person like this. Move on.

what, exactly?

ciwpp wrote:Would you marry a binge drinker, who sometimes becomes verbally abusive when she drinks. I date a beautiful woman, but she drinks too much sometimes. I think it can get better, but I'm not sure.

So...when you sat and thought about the traits necessary for a long, successful marriage (one that can survive and even sustain you through lost jobs, deaths in the family, raising kids, all that real life stuff), were you sure to include "prospective spouse should be a verbally abusive binge drinker?"

We divorced and it was a nightmare. (QUOTE)

How exactly?

Zat0pek wrote:So...when you sat and thought about the traits necessary for a long, successful marriage (one that can survive and even sustain you through lost jobs, deaths in the family, raising kids, all that real life stuff), were you sure to include "prospective spouse should be a verbally abusive binge drinker?"

thread over. perfect.

I have found in my very limited experience that people who are verbally abusive when they are drunk are hiding some deep issues that you probably don't want to deal with every day for the rest of your life.

Plus, if this girl is getting hammered in her 30's on a regular basis, I'm 90% sure she's a total psycho.

I'd never marry someone like that, and I hope you don't, either. You don't want to be getting screamed at every weekend by a drunk woman in her 40's in a few years...

Pittsburgh Joe wrote:

maybe? wrote:

Assuming that she is binge drinking a lot and is an alcoholic, wouldn't you feel guilty if you "bail out" and then she hurts herself more?

If it is just a fling than I can see leaving, but if you care about her help her.

Dumping her and telling her why would probably help her a lot more than sticking around. If she stops and comes back, maybe...

Sorry, but if she has a drinking problem, $hit's gotta fly before she decides to change. Go to an AA meeting and you'll see.

You're right, Pittsburgh Joe. Or at least such has been my experience. I've only gone to Alanon, not AA, but some of the stories are still horrendous.

To maybe?: I can see that you're a caring person, but the only way (except maybe what PJ proposed) you truly can "help her" is not to be an enabler; not to stick around so she has an "excuse" to vent her rage; not to give her the power of guilt over you.

To the OP: My spouse truly showed no tendency toward alcoholism when we dated and were first married. She drank, but always moderately. When the kids arrived, and she became exhausted, was when the poison started coming out. The alcoholism that developed at that point was really a symptom of something else--but also the cause of other terrible problems.

In your case, you're already seeing this kind of behavior, and already serving as the convenient target for her abuse. You're not helping her by playing that role--and trust me, trust me, you're not helping yourself. Couples counseling won't help--until she's solved her own problem, she absolutely won't work on your common problem. Instead, you'll be the one who's expected to change. (Experience speaks.)

I genuinely shudder at the prospect of someone else's serving a twenty-plus year sentence like mine, particularly when it's not a surprise. As PJ says, when you leave you could think about telling her why. But leave.

Totally agree.

My wife was the party girl in college and we liked to drink when we were dating. Every once in a while I would see signs she was binging.

Son arrived and some of life's challenges showed up, so she reached for the bottle. More and more. I have tried everything short of running away. It has been a 10 year battle. Until she realizes she has a problem, there is not a thing you can do. Today, she has turned every problem where she is the victim and I am the primary cause of her drinking. After all, she does NOT have a problem. With a child at home, it further complicates things. Today, I cannot drink and do not want to after everything I have been through with her. My son and I are on edge wondering when the next binge is going to erupt.

I have been to AA, Alanon, local church, doctors, and therapists.

The real problem here is that after you fix her she may move on to the next problem solver (money, stability, redemption, etc.) So in order to address the problem you need to decide where you fit in this relationship.Are you willing to risk a lifetime doomed to being this chick's enabler? Or can you turn this girl around and be each other’s hero?My personal story was that I was attracted to women like your party girl for years but eventually learned that they brought out the worst in me. So I switched course and found somebody who actually brought out the best in me. This was no easy task for her as it took a tremendous amount of patience and perseverance. Not sure how I knew she was probably my last chance at happiness but my best guess was some sort of survival instinct.This could be her take. She's attracted to you because she knows you’re her last chance at happiness. That won't change if you guys can work it out together. She could be as thankful to you as I am to my wife. I'd say that is worth the risk don't you? I mean, what is the downside here, a couple years of finding out? Just don’t get married to her until you’ve both crossed the divide. BTW - it will take a whole lot more communication that you are apparently involved in now.Now go get 'em Tiger!

maybe? wrote:

Wow, bail out on someone that he might actually care about because she has problems? Seems shallow to me. IF you care about her why not help her get her act together. Getting drunk once in a while is not the end of the world, but if it is effecting your relationship it would seem better to try to help her rather than leave her.

Assuming that she is binge drinking a lot and is an alcoholic, wouldn't you feel guilty if you "bail out" and then she hurts herself more?

If it is just a fling than I can see leaving, but if you care about her help her.

I'm serious. I've had a relationship with a female binge drinker and have a long-term friendship with another.

They have NO clue who they've been with or what they've done. Your friend should be tested for STD's...all of them. YOU should, too.

No laughing matter.

Seems you have two choices.

First, just walk away now and be done with it.

Second, if you care enough for her, think you have enough invested in this relationship, and can see it working out long term if she gets better, then put the ultimatum to her that she seeks a recovery program and/or goes to AA or else you are out of there.

Whatever you do, you can't just continue on in the relationship accepting this behavior. You say she's a binge drinker, which is your euphemism for alcoholic. You're probably in a little denial your self about this Believe me, not every alcoholic drinks every day. There are many bingers out there who are as much an alcoholic as the every day drinker, and some who are worse.

She will not get better until she chooses, but you may be able to help if you choose option 2. If she sees that she will lose you, then it may encourage her to get help. She will manipulate and say she'll just quit. Don't buy it. Stick to your guns. Like I said, choose this option if you still want to maintain the relationship. Otherwise, walk away, but by all means let her know why.

Under either option, though, you probably have to look at a few things yourself. You said her behavior "excited" you. That's a problem, and if you don't correct it, your future gf, if you get one, is likely to have some things in common w/ this gf. Drunks and the like flock to the codependents like moths to a flame. And vice-versa.

Not judging you here; just a young recovering drunk sharing his experience.

Good luck.

"I think it can get better, but I'm not sure."

That shows you are not fully committed. I think you are a troll.

I'm a recovering alcoholic with seven years sobriety, (six years of marriage). While there may be some, all don't have underlying issues. I just liked to booze a lot. Had a good job, great family and a good girlfriend. I wasn't mean or abusive.

Personally, I realized this was no way to live my life, or subject the love of my life too, so I made changes. Tough? To be sure. But it's very doable with a committed and supportive person.

If you're willing to deal with the fallout, and truly believe you love her, the I think it's worth pressing her to get help. But, like others have said, you have absolutley no control over it. She won't get better until she wants to.