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John Bingham and Oprah Busted for Drugs


At a shocking press conference today at USATF headquarters in Indianapolis, Indiana, USATF head Craig Masback bowed to IAAF pressure and admitted that USATF had indeed covered up a few positive drug tests in the past in an effort to save the struggling sport in America. 


Masback admitted that USATF had covered up positive tests for Oprah Winfrey – nabbed after running the 1994 Marine Corps Marathon – and John “The Penguin” Bingham, nabbed at last year’s Vermont City Marathon.


“The positive (test results) involved the two biggest names in the sport and at the time, we felt that USATF – teetering on the edge of bankruptcy – wouldn’t be able to survive if the tests were announced.  As a result, we held off until today when we are in a better financial position to deal with the repercussions.  Cheating is unacceptable at all levels – even if done by the sports biggest stars – and I hope this sends a strong message. Both superstars will be forced to serve a two year suspension starting today,” said Masback.


A high ranking official at the IAAF, who wished to remain anonymous, was particularly pleased that Bingham was finally getting punished, as he felt rumors floating around about Bingham on Internet message boards were killing the sport’s credibility on its new “get tough on drug cheats” message.


“It was pretty obvious to everyone that that guy (Bingham) was a major drug cheat, and I’m glad he’s finally going to serve his sentence.  I mean the 4:47 marathon that he ran in Vermont last year just reaked of EPO and steroids.  He hadn’t raced well at all going into that race and it was an affront to our drug testing program to let it go unpunished,” said the anonymous official via phone from Europe.


When contacted by LetsRun.com, Bingham did something that superstars in athletics rarely do when faced with drug charges - he admitted the accusations were true. “All of that stuff about ‘the miracles isn’t that I finished…. the miracle is that I had the courage to start’ was a total piece of crap,” said Bingham.  “Starting may be courageous but I’m not so sure finishing in 8 hours is.  What’s courageous is dropping the hammer over the final 5k to set a p.r.  Any idiot knows that the whole point is to run as fast as possible. Afterall, it is called a RACE for a reason,” said Bingham, who also added that he never would have broken 5 hours had it not been for the help of illegal drugs. 

While Bingham admitted to LetsRun.com that the charges were true, he like all great drug cheats at first tried to deny the charges.  Our IAAF source revealed that when first confronted with the positive test results, Bingham tried to use the Dennis Mitchell “I had sex 6 times in one night” excuse.  The excuse was quickly discarded by Bingham after confronted with the testimony of six different urologists – all of whom stated that it’s physically impossible for a man over the age of 40 to accomplish such a feat even if on Viagra.

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