Milesplit, Runnerspace, Flotrack ask questions that are so unbelievably dull, I hereby call upon all hs and collegiate runners to respond in the style of the following:
So what was the race plan going into it?
I was so set to totally blow this one off. I mean, who gives a flying fxxk anymore? Running, as the t-shirt says, SUCKS. What the impending global economic collapse doesn’t take care of, climate change will. WE ARE ALL PRISON SHANKED. The only thing running’s going to do for me is let me outpace the fires of hell by a few more minutes than the normal population.
Gotcha. You came through the first mile in about 5:10. Was this slower or faster than you were anticipating?
Yeah, my coach was calling out splits, but honestly I could not have crapped out less of a shxt. Sometimes I take the split times and think of what time zone they would apply to in the moment. Deep, I know. 5:10 would have been UTC + 4:30….Why are you looking at me like that? Oh, I get it. You think I’m one of these weirdo, outcast runners with obscure obsessions? Not me. I have both given and received head….once.
When you realized you might catch the leaders, what went through your head?
To be honest, I was thinking I would sit down and masturbate! That would certainly psych the chase pack out. Five-foot cxm shot? Nothing better mid-race. Take that, Pirates!
But it was pretty clear by the final k, that you were in contention for a podium spot.
So podium, if you didn’t know, comes from the Latin for “shxtter.” I just learned that in Mr. Kowalski’s class. He’s clutch even though he sends me snaps sometimes from his “private trove.”
So are you thinking NXN or FL since you are a state champ now?
Blowtard, do you think it’s about the competition? I mean, really? It’s the brand. Only an award-winning loser shops at Footlocker. What is this, like, 1989? Portland or bust.