Talk me out of leaving my family

asking for a friend

Easy to walk away, man up and finish what you started.

white

deadbeat wrote:

Not getting into the gory details. Unhappy in my marriage and job a dream job offer waiting in a new city with a new woman. It's far away (not within driving distance). Love my kids but feel trapped by everything and getting more depressed by the day. I've been married for 9 years, 3 kids. Talk me off the ledge.

Alimony.

Child support.

My wife's dad has recently gone on dialysis and his life expectancy is as short as 5-10 years. He has 5 kids from 2 marriages and has largely been absent from their lives since he left each family. He lives alone. He has about 10 grandkids he almost never sees. As his health has deteriorated, he has grown increasingly lonely and regretful. His kids feel so detached from his situation that it seems more like a distant family member than their father, and none of them want to deal with his issues. My wife feels worse about her lack of feelings towards his situation than she does about his situation.

Good luck with your future life. I hope you make choices that you won't regret and that won't bring harm to those who love you.

Sit down with your three kids and tell them exactly what you've posted here.

The Ghost of Ann Landers wrote:

Sit down with your three kids and tell them exactly what you've posted here.

What would that accomplish?

The Ghost of Ann Landers wrote:

Sit down with your three kids and tell them exactly what you've posted here.

Absolutely not. Don't get them involved, don't create guilt in them.

Think about those hockey families in Canada, parents who will never see tyheir children, dead adults families torn apart.

Seek a counselor and figure out if what you're going through can get resolved.

This is why no one should get married until they're over age 30 and have their sh!t together.

deadbeat wrote:

Not getting into the gory details. Unhappy in my marriage and job a dream job offer waiting in a new city with a new woman. It's far away (not within driving distance). Love my kids but feel trapped by everything and getting more depressed by the day. I've been married for 9 years, 3 kids. Talk me off the ledge.

If it was simply a matter of leaving your wife and job for greener pastures, I wouldn't judge you too harshly. Marriage is a mistake to begin with...because people inevitably grow and change...and there is no reason to live in misery just because you made that mistake. There's time to recover what's left of your life.

But kids are involved, and you owe them. You brought them into this world, and you owe them a lifetime of teaching, emotional stability and financial support. If you want to ditch your wife, fine, but you had better make it amicable and be in close proximity to your children so that you disrupt their lives as little as possible.

Now the qualifier to the second paragraph is this: If you are already a crap, uninvolved, POS father and your kids are well on their way to hating you, then go ahead and make a clean break. Support them financially, but otherwise stay out of their lives.

If you love your kids, why would you move outside of driving distance to them?

It sounds like you have several separate issues --- wife, kids, job, new woman.

You should consider addressing them individually. Trying to address them all simultaneously by "moving for work" seems like it could have less than optimal results.

Dream job? How old are you?

deadbeat wrote:

The Ghost of Ann Landers wrote:

Sit down with your three kids and tell them exactly what you've posted here.

What would that accomplish?

If you really want to do what you're contemplating you should have the guts to tell them that you've met someone you'd rather live with and something you'd rather do than live with them. Doing that would keep me from leaving.

deadbeat wrote: getting more depressed by the day

Nobody ever fixed depression by becoming more selfish. Stay for the kids. Ever been around kids whose parents have divorced? Divorce really messes kids up for life. If for some reason you do leave your wife, tell your kids over & over that it's not their fault. Many kids think they are to blame for separation.

Also, if you're depressed now, then you'll eventually be depressed again down the road. The new woman/life won't make you happy. It/she will eventually let you down. That's life.

Oh, c'mon. Pics?

Every husband-father feels this from time to time. Three kids and married 23 years so I know. But how could you do something so selfish and abandon your kids? It's the wrong thing to do. Plain and simple.

I thought that this thread would be about a teen who wants to leave his overly strict parents' house.

deadbeat wrote:

Not getting into the gory details. Unhappy in my marriage and job a dream job offer waiting in a new city with a new woman. It's far away (not within driving distance). Love my kids but feel trapped by everything and getting more depressed by the day. I've been married for 9 years, 3 kids. Talk me off the ledge.

You are already a loser. Your life won’t be any better in another city. There isn’t a dream job for someone like you.

It’s like the loser high school kids who think college will be different. It won’t. Being a loser is in your blood.

I assume your wife is also a loser for marrying you, and so is the other woman but doubly so since she has more evidence.

I feel horrible for your kids.

Gravy wrote:

Oh, c'mon. Pics?

+1 of wife and new woman.

Also - what are your PRs and what's the running/race situation in both cities?

Lastly, you better get into the gory details if you want a helpful detailed response