Need some advice re: my father

The "emotional scarring" is nothing compared to the scar where your pair was removed. Grow the F up and acknowledge his overtures.

Look, you an adult - you made it this far largely without your father. Have a relationship with him on your terms - meaning so long as the relationship makes you happier, then go for it. Forget the emotional scarring and all of the other drama. Contrary to what you make be thinking, your father is not 10 feet tall, and don't view him that way in your mind. Approach him like adult, and be straight and open, yet calm with him.

My own father abandoned the family - he was a well known guy in track circles - as he left coaching to succeed in business. He was terrifically abusive, physically and emotionally - to my mother and me. I went to school on athletic scholarship (not a good idea with no other means of support and a desire to be a top student), and then on to one of the better graduate schools in the country. I only enjoyed the fruits of that labor when I decided to no longer be angry, or to use your term, scarred.

I don't communicate with my father. But if he ever called, I would have no problem calmly responding to him or engaging with him. I would just do so on terms that reflect boundaries and my own principles. He wouldn't accept this kind of arrangement, so fine with me, as I don't walk around worrying about things I cannot control (I didn't choose him as a father, as much as he deeply regretted becoming one).

You can answer these all by yourself if you truly want to get beyond the circumstances of your childhood and own this as an adult.

Hope it works out.

What do you want to happen?

You only have one dad, unless your mother remarried, in which case you may have several.

Its not like he's taking you to the circus. Be an adult and demonstrate your maturity. He's not going to bite you. Just be aware.

I don't think there's anything wrong with having a decent relationship with your father. If your mother is still in the picture, though, and you feel like she had to pick up a lot of slack in order to raise you, then just make sure you do things so she feels 5x more special.

That (bolded) may well be true. But so what? People often reach out when they are lonely, scared, vulnerable. That is no reason to reject him.

When your father is dead and gone you will NEVER think "Gee, I wish I had not reached out to him". I guarantee it - the only thing that you will think is "Damn, I wish I had connected with him when I had the chance".

That chance won't last forever, dude. Take it.

a pair rent wrote:

The "emotional scarring" is nothing compared to the scar where your pair was removed. Grow the F up and acknowledge his overtures.

Suck my dingleberry, boy.

Secondary cities wrote:

a pair rent wrote:

The "emotional scarring" is nothing compared to the scar where your pair was removed. Grow the F up and acknowledge his overtures.

Suck my dingleberry, boy.

Well the fact that nobody was there to show you how to wipe your ass properly is undoubtedly creating more bitterness than expected.

a pair rent wrote:

Secondary cities wrote:

Suck my dingleberry, boy.

Well the fact that nobody was there to show you how to wipe your ass properly is undoubtedly creating more bitterness than expected.

I want to use your mouth as my personal port-o-potty.

a pair rent wrote:

The "emotional scarring" is nothing compared to the scar where your pair was removed. Grow the F up and acknowledge his overtures.

a pair rent - You are a classless a##hole!

Smarter than You - wrote:

a pair rent wrote:

The "emotional scarring" is nothing compared to the scar where your pair was removed. Grow the F up and acknowledge his overtures.

a pair rent - You are a classless a##hole!

Sure he is. But at least he's telling OP the truth.

Secondary cities wrote:

a pair rent wrote:

Well the fact that nobody was there to show you how to wipe your ass properly is undoubtedly creating more bitterness than expected.

I want to use your mouth as my personal port-o-potty.

This is probably why your dad left.

If you actually saw him a few times a year, I would submit that he did indeed put forth consistent effort to be in your life from the time he left onward. I would feel this way even more strongly if you also had phone calls back and forth a handful of times a year. This sounds different than, "my Dad split right after I was born, and now he is trying to start a relationship from scratch twenty years later."

That being said, it is my opinion that family is a meaningless distinction. I have very strong feelings for the handful of people I feel were there for me throughout my childhood. I would do almost anything for these few people. I see all of the other aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, et cetera the same way as a standoffish neighbor or brief co-worker. It might be cool to run in to them, but I don't particularly care. If you want a relationship, pursue it. However, I would not necessarily feel obliged to do so.