Just some 2c wrote:
If you went by our FB profiles, my marriage looked storybook perfect. We went on nice vacations, were both successful, were both the golden kids in our families, I surprised her with big romantic gestures on special occasions, and we didn't even have kids yet. In reality, however, a couple of years ago my marriage was already going downhill fast, to the point where divorce might be a realistic end for her.
I'm happy to say it's night and day today. We now have a 3 y.o. and 1 y.o. and it's the hardest, most stressful and trying time our lives, but we're closer than we've ever been and love and appreciate each other more than we ever have.
The biggest difference? It all started with me!! Some good friends made me realize that I was doing an awful job as a husband, leading my home and my wife in all the wrong ways, and barely meeting the minimum standard of paying bills and staying under the same roof. I was falling way short of loving my wife the way I should, of treasuring and appreciating her, of listening to her and not criticizing, of protecting and respecting her. When I began to change, so did everything else! It's still something I have to work hard at every single day and still fail often, but it's made my marriage more amazing than I could have ever hoped for.
So here are a few pieces of advice:
1. --Be the change you want to see in the world--
Ghandi said "We but mirror the world... If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. This is the divine mystery supreme. A wonderful thing it is and the source of our happiness. We need not wait to see what others do." Ask your wife "What's one thing you wish you could change about me?" Then go and try to change it, every day, like your life depends on it. If she asks you the same thing, tell her not to worry about it, tell her you just want to be better for her. If you truly change she'll want to follow, by example, not by words. Rinse and repeat.
2. --Love your wife the way SHE wants to be loved, not the way you want to be loved--
This is one of the easiest things to get wrong. You may be spending a lot of effort doing many big things you think are loving for her and getting frustrated when she doesn't notice, but she may be despising you for not doing any of the little things she asks for. For just one week, try really listening to her, ask her questions like "What's one thing I can do to help you the most today", "What have you been frustrated or stressed about lately", or "What have I done to hurt you lately". Then just listen and ask follow-up questions. Don't argue any of it, that's not the point! Just listen and do what matters to her. If she asks for something, do it like it's the highest priority in your life. Do little things for her that she feels she always has to do, maybe like load and unload dishwasher, wash clothes, cook, etc. Don't do it as show, just do it and go about your business, trust me, she'll notice it. Compliment her!! But go beyond the general "you're beautiful". Compliment her smarts, her drive, her passion, her style, how you have great kids because of her, etc. Bottom line, does she think you put her first in your life like she's supposed to be? Is she even 10th in line by this point?
3. --Admit when you're wrong--
If I really look back on most arguments I've had with my wife, I was the one in the wrong, but I fought until I backed her down and she gave up. Once I learned to admit when I was wrong and apologize before anything else, our communication got way better and the fights decreased way more. Plus she started apologizing herself when she was wrong, voluntarily! Humility is one of the most powerful, yet most unused traits you can think of.
Ask yourself how well you've done with this definition of love:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Lastly, I have an email address which I use for junk, so I don't care if I post it online. If you want to talk more, send me a message at
nonames13@gmail.comin the next week and I'll check it regularly.
Good luck and remember, you loved her enough at one point to want to spend the rest of your life with her, that's worth something.