Can I save my marriage?

TAA wrote:

OP get a divorce. You only live once. You should never accept being miserable as your fate. If you do you'll turn into a corpse and spend the rest of your life waiting to be buried. You can still play a big role in your kid's lives even if you don't see them everyday.

OP, please ignore advice like this.

Life is not all about maximizing your happiness at the expense of others. Life is sometimes about doing the hard thing because it's the right thing.

Find ways to remove some stressors in your life. Try to be kind to your wife even when you feel like you hate her. See if slowly but surely you two can reconnect.

Life is short - but don't you want to look back and be proud of the fact you fought for your family and you fought to give your boys an intact home?

On the ropes wrote:

Been building for a couple of years now but I think I'm at the end of the line. Fight constantly with my wife. I've found she has become very selfish and I don't think I can trust her. I don't think she's cheating but not sure I would care if she did. If it were just us it would be easy but I have two boys I adore and don't want to leave. But I'm exhausted. Any advice?

If she corrected her behavior that has been pushing you away, can you imagine rekindlings things with her?

Would see be willing to get couples communication coaching? (If not, pretty much no chance.)

If you start with the pre-nuclear option... "I'm thinking it's time we consider divorce..." She how she responds to the idea.

If she doesn't want to divorce, then float the "I don't know, but I don't think I can see myself staying in this any longer unless we make some big changes.

Then suggest couples communication counseling.

Focus on the books by Harville Hendrix: how To Get The Love You Want.

The Imago Relationship Weekend by the Hendrixes is a god start.

And the Marriage Cure by Dr. John Gottman.

God luck.

Fight for it wrote:

Life is short - but don't you want to look back and be proud of the fact you fought for your family and you fought to give your boys an intact home?

But is the home really intact if the parents are both miserable and not getting along with one another. You don't think the kids can smell that like dogs can smell a pile of porkchops?

Yes you can, I'm divorced and I gave up much sooner than I should have. I give you this advise: Take one week like you're playing a role in some show...don't be yourself. Be super understandin, helpful, nice and loving, like you switched personalities. No matter how bad it gets or annoying selfish hell it feels to live with her, just be that guy for one week. If that does not change her...maybe you need to move out for couple of months and see if this stage passes. If this does not work, maybe The problem is all hers.

YES.

The quality of a marriage is a result of the quality of communication. We get in trouble when we think it's something permanent about the people. You may be in a hard spot and you may have done things that have really hurt each other, but you can get back, not to ok, but to great.

I work primarily with organizations to help them improve their culture (I'm not selling anything, just giving context) . We (likehumans.com) have found that disagreement and tension is the raw material for strong culture. Negative emotion is just a signal that something can be better and when people respect each other enough and are brave enough to discuss what they are feeling, they can always work through it one way or another. This type of discussion builds trust, rather than reduce it like we often fear.

My wife and I use the exact same approach and it has worked wonders for us.

I recommend reading the book Non-Violent Communciation

I'd be happy to talk more with you if you think it would be helpful.

My email is will dot harper at likehumans dot com

Good luck, I feel for you

Advice from a father of ten who just celebrated 20th wedding anniversary, is still very happily married, and whose whole family runs.

Two kids was the hardest for us. Much harder than ten now. We were inexperienced both in terms of relationship and child care, and the kids were troublemakers rather than helpers. Under this kind of stress every little flaw you have can be magnified in the eyes of your spouse. You cannot force your wife to be more charitable, but you can set the example by being more charitable yourself. You should also be patient. Change takes time.

Hang on the reason (and as some suggested earlier to the process as well) that made you have two kids together.

In the meantime, do your best to keep running and stay competitive. Encourage your wife to join you. Purchase an inexpensive stroller if you do not have one already and take your kids in it for a run. This will give you some extra miles. If your wife joins you, even if she is slow, this is still good couple time together. Running alongside can help you understand her emotions better. Invite her to join you on a bike for your hard workout sometime. This will help her understand you better as well.

Fight for it wrote:

OP, please ignore advice like this.

Life is not all about maximizing your happiness at the expense of others. Life is sometimes about doing the hard thing because it's the right thing.

Find ways to remove some stressors in your life. Try to be kind to your wife even when you feel like you hate her. See if slowly but surely you two can reconnect.

Life is short - but don't you want to look back and be proud of the fact you fought for your family and you fought to give your boys an intact home?

Thanks, Fight. It is important to me to be there for my boys.

If she corrected her behavior that has been pushing you away, can you imagine rekindlings things with her?

Would see be willing to get couples communication coaching? (If not, pretty much no chance.)

Yes, we've had numerous conversations about our relationship and I think we've both been honest about our feelings. Communication can be hard because she's a very emotional person and loses control quickly and can lash out in front of the kids, which I've explained is not acceptable. I'm very open and blunt about my feelings - maybe lacking a soft touch sometimes - but she can be stubborn and shut me out. So we have communication problems.

But I feel I've explained how I feel and what I am looking for so she shouldn't be surprised. The reason why I'm here now is that I doubt whether she has the energy or priority to even meet me halfway. She's busy with the kids and work (we both are) but also has a needy family that rely on her for lots of things that they should be able to do themselves. I try to be understanding but it's gotten out of control (in my opinion) and my wife has a hard time establishing boundaries on their family. At the end of the day I feel like I'm the only one doing nice things for the two of us to keep the romance. My wife does lots for everyone else except me I feel.

I've mentioned counseling and she'd probably do it but I'd have to do all the leg work and I'm not sure I want the burden.

porkchop wrote:

But is the home really intact if the parents are both miserable and not getting along with one another. You don't think the kids can smell that like dogs can smell a pile of porkchops?

We're not fully there yet but at times it feels like it. Even when I'm upset I try to never show it in front of the kids. Could I do this forever? I don't know.

Here was I will tell you from experience. My ex-wife found someone else, and it was crushing. I had no idea she was unhappy or even looking. Some of that could have been my fault, but in the end it was her decision. We are just about thru the legal process, and no matter what anyone tells you it is not easy. Moving on is tough, but not as tough as you may think. I ended up with the house, and the kids which I love. Keeping busy helps out alot. Good luck.

InterMilan wrote:

Yes you can, I'm divorced and I gave up much sooner than I should have. I give you this advise: Take one week like you're playing a role in some show...don't be yourself. Be super understandin, helpful, nice and loving, like you switched personalities. No matter how bad it gets or annoying selfish hell it feels to live with her, just be that guy for one week. If that does not change her...maybe you need to move out for couple of months and see if this stage passes. If this does not work, maybe The problem is all hers.

I'm not perfect but I do try and plan nice things for her and be nice. I feel she has a hard time dealing with stress from kids, work and her immediate family and struggles prioritizing sometimes. I've always tried to be the stoic rock and just be there but now I'm at a point the past few years where I need her to prioritize me but don't think she can. I've told her kids should be # 1 and work is important. I respect she wants a relationship with her family but I think she also needs to establish some boundaries and try harder to. I'm the type of person who can focus on family, work and running, in that order, and ignore everything else. She's not. I respect that, but she needs to meet me at least halfway. I'm afraid she never will and she'll be the dominant in our relationship.

Fight for it wrote:

Life is not all about maximizing your happiness at the expense of others. Life is sometimes about doing the hard thing because it's the right thing.

That's not what he said. However, making choices that will make a person more happy is exactly what he is doing. For example - he wants to see his kids every day. That is more important, makes him happier, more so than the unhappiness he feels with his wife. He is making the choice that's better for him.

Guess what - wanting to make his marriage better/work, is also because he wants to be happier.

You don't want to leave your kids, you want a better relationship with your wife - sounds like a good plan, work on that relationship. Talking, kindness, remembering why you married her, lots of sex, asking what she needs you can make a relationship better - just work on doing that. And you get to see your sons every day which also makes you happy.

Thanks, fuser. I may take you up on that. I struggle with negative emotion.

Thanks. I try to keep up with running. I encourage her as well and suggest races we can do together even though not running at the same pace. We don't run together but running is part of our family as we both try and support each other at races and our kids actually love to watch the races and snack on the free garb. Maybe I'll think of how we can run more together.

It's not all wrong wrote:

That's not what he said. However, making choices that will make a person more happy is exactly what he is doing. For example - he wants to see his kids every day. That is more important, makes him happier, more so than the unhappiness he feels with his wife. He is making the choice that's better for him.

Guess what - wanting to make his marriage better/work, is also because he wants to be happier.

You don't want to leave your kids, you want a better relationship with your wife - sounds like a good plan, work on that relationship. Talking, kindness, remembering why you married her, lots of sex, asking what she needs you can make a relationship better - just work on doing that. And you get to see your sons every day which also makes you happy.

Yes, this is what I ultimately want. I've explained it to her. Things have been and can be very good. But they're not right now and the future worries me even more because I don't think she can prioritize our relationship over some other influences in her life that I explained earlier. It might be a fault but I am prideful and cannot live in a relationship where I feel like I'm being emotionally dominated by my spouse. Eventually I'll stop trying and give up on her. If that happens the question is whether I can stay in that marriage just for the kids.

gottheboot wrote:

Here was I will tell you from experience. My ex-wife found someone else, and it was crushing. I had no idea she was unhappy or even looking. Some of that could have been my fault, but in the end it was her decision. We are just about thru the legal process, and no matter what anyone tells you it is not easy. Moving on is tough, but not as tough as you may think. I ended up with the house, and the kids which I love. Keeping busy helps out alot. Good luck.

Sorry your marriage didn't workout. I wish you and your kids the best.

Just think how it will be when some other dude moves in and is boning her and raising your kids, and then taking a nice vacation with your child support check.

Man.. you reall f***ed up.

On the ropes wrote:I've mentioned counseling and she'd probably do it but I'd have to do all the leg work and I'm not sure I want the burden.

You are perfectly happy to complain about the imminent demise of your marriage then won't do a little work? Really?

Get a divorce. You are too lazy to work it out.

InterMilan wrote:

Yes you can, I'm divorced and I gave up much sooner than I should have. I give you this advise: Take one week like you're playing a role in some show...don't be yourself. Be super understandin, helpful, nice and loving, like you switched personalities. No matter how bad it gets or annoying selfish hell it feels to live with her, just be that guy for one week. If that does not change her...maybe you need to move out for couple of months and see if this stage passes. If this does not work, maybe The problem is all hers.

^This is a really good idea.

I think one of the hardest things to do is to objectively understand your relationship. For me, coming to the understanding that I'm better at debating and arguing than my wife is what made me (try to) stop debating and arguing so much with her. Its an unfair advantage and every time I did it my wife felt bad about herself and diminished. I realized that I was treating the person I love the most, the worst. Why would anyone want to do that?

Her big issue was never being able to admit if she was wrong. Even now, its hard for her to even get the words out, but if /when she does it means a lot to me and I tell her that it does. Thankfully as we've gotten older we seem to understand each other more. Not always easy.

Married for 33 years now w/2 grown offspring.