Yale Runner Dies (thoughts from a mom who lost a son to suicide at Yale)

Unfortunately this story and speculation has reminded me of the Madison Holleran suicide a couple of years ago.

Here is one of the Letsrun threads:

http://www.letsrun.com/forum/flat_read.php?thread=6489531

The ESPN article:

http://www.espn.com/espn/feature/story/_/id/12833146/instagram-account-university-pennsylvania-runner-showed-only-part-story

THIS.

I'm shocked that admins and others on here think that being trolled on your suicide post is the worst thing that can happen. No, the worst thing that can happen is for your cries for help to be deleted. There were zero trolls on that thread. 100% helpful and sincere comments.

I dont think any one of us can contemplate what you went through. Suicide is a really selfish act, since it leaves the survivors with many unanswered questions and much guilt. My question is, does anyone definitively know if this runner actually committed suicide? There has been a lot of talk about this, but young runners can die of a host of reasons [unknown heart conditions; accidental drug or alcohol overdoes].

Today we learned that Hale's father has written an excellent nearly 4,000 word personal essay for the Yale Daily News entitled, "“The Dark Lining of the Prefontaine Mantra: Lessons from Hale Ross’ life at Yale.”

In it he wonders if trying to live by Pre's mantra of "“to give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift” can take a psychological toll.

https://yaledailynews.com/blog/2018/05/05/the-dark-lining-of-the-prefontaine-mantra-lessons-from-hale-ross-life-at-yale/

As a coach I look for signs of any emotional anguish that my runners show. I realize that a person suffering from Depression needs professional help and that medication is necessary. But when I work with my athletes I emphasize that it's a race that they are running. They are not going to war. And that they shouldn't let the stop watch rule them because there are too many variables which determine one's time in an event and things could change quite quickly. I tell them that they don't owe me or anyone else an apology when they don't perform well. I instruct to ask themselves a question after the event is over: Did I do the best that I could do today? If the answer is yes, pat yourselves on the back. If the answer is no, then ask yourself what can I do in the next race to improve. I advise them to enjoy each run that they take. Take joy as many will never experience that type of pleasure that they can. A lot goes back to my first season of track close to 60 years ago. A very wise senior and I were watching cheerleaders audition for the high school team. In those days there were no athletic programs in our state for girls to participate. Cheerleading was one the few ways to get close to athletics. As we watched the despair in the faces of the girls not chosen, the senior said to me, "Unlike us, they have to wait until next week. If we run a poor race, there's always another race down the road. Okay, enough of this, let's get running."

Same thing happened with 2 guys at my running club one a computer programmer, the other s doctor who went to Oxford university.

Sorry to hear about your loss, it's not something you can get over, only learn to live with.

Of the guys at our club one had depression. I was talking to the wife of the other expecting to hear the same. She had no clue he was feeling this way.

It's not something you can just pull yourself out of. Someone said it's a way to stop the pain.

More must be done to help these people, it could happen to anyone and they need professional help and an outlet to talk about their feelings. One I knew more how I wish I'd known he was having problems.

In the UK it's the No ,1 killer of males under 45, a shocking tragedy.

LetsRun.com wrote:

Today we learned that Hale's father has written an excellent nearly 4,000 word personal essay for the Yale Daily News entitled, "“The Dark Lining of the Prefontaine Mantra: Lessons from Hale Ross’ life at Yale.”

In it he wonders if trying to live by Pre's mantra of "“to give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift” can take a psychological toll.

https://yaledailynews.com/blog/2018/05/05/the-dark-lining-of-the-prefontaine-mantra-lessons-from-hale-ross-life-at-yale/

Im not so sure this should or could be attributed to Pre's quotes.

I think if you really delve into the pressure of the Ivy League mantra and investigate further one might be able to cobble together how this type of Ivy League pressure might impact an individual.

Participating in sport and have self expectations met or unachieved are an important part of an individuals development.

If one element of the overall experience of collegiate life overwhelms an individual, balance needs to be found. Reaching out, knowing how to find help is maybe one of the hardest things.

Maybe all schools need to create more visibility on a regular basis of outreach availability.

I was a Division 1 scholarship runner 35 years ago. The school was not Yale in terms of rankings, but close enough. Lots of very smart, capable and competitive people. I came from poverty (single mother was homeless for a while), and needed that scholarship more than I ever could openly admit due to pressure. I was a social outcast, too, with no money. In hindsight, I was way too close to the line in terms of mental health and susceptibility to depression or worse. I can't speak for others, but I would think that some would quietly agree they felt the same thing. I understand the plight of this young man and his family and don't judge them in the least. There are many people in his life who wish they could have talked to him or done more, and I understand the organic component of depression. I wish he could have seen the gift of having a good family, something I never experienced until I made my own (and when I did, fumbled around because I didn't know what to do). I would think his family would want us Type A runner types not to take their son's passing in vain, and to remind us that above all else keep that voice in the back of your head that you have to take care of yourself no matter your achievements or skill and to err on the side of getting help when that voice may be interrupted. And thanks to the kind people in the world, who never knew that a smile or supportive statement they passed my way unwittingly made the difference for me and kept me going. I hope others can identify.

LetsRun.com wrote:

JBlache wrote:

Please hire better moderators here at letsrun to prevent cries for help - like the one posted on 10/25/16 - from being deleted. Google Cache still has it - I took a screenshot

We take talk of suicide very seriously.

Our policy for threads like that is to delete them put an alert to that IP address so when they come back they are greeted with a message telling them life is precious, to contact a suicide hotline, a suicide website or email us.

If LRC takes talk of suicide seriously it should also take aspects of cyber bullying, false gossip, defamation and the daily witch hunts seriously too because that entire dimension can be the final stressor in someone's life too. The athlete-fan relationship in this sport is much closer than that of the ball sports so rumors are coming from their dksloyal friends and acquaintances. Also, people here hide behind screen names anonymously and abuse that privilege to be malicious all the time. A single person can render an entire conversation by themselves.

Maybe there should be a one screen name per thread limit to combat this behavior. Maybe LRC should go registration only. Maybe this site should just shut down because it is a cesspool of meat hungry maggots thristing for drama and preying on other people's failures to get their emotional fix.

Heyy. Thanks a lot for sharing your experiences. It will undoubtedly help someone going through a similar situation. To expand, and perhaps edify what you said, depression can befall anyone, regardless of social status. I think the common thread is a relentless need on the part of the student, in our example, to succeed. In a nutshell, what troubles such students is an overwhelming need to achieve, as opposed to enjoy. It’s the American Dream, basically, run afoul. It begins at a young age. The responsibility lies, first and foremost, with the parents to prevent such a mindset from taking hold. You — and I — are the lucky ones in that it didn’t destroy us. Pardon my bluntness, but when lives are at stake, it is necessary. Everyone... enjoy your run.

I am so glad that you spoke up. I get so sick of Pro runners that live by "shoe company slogans." Too much emphasis is put on winning.

wammr - i can't really speak for this given my own parentless and abusive situation, but I could see where having great and supportive parents could, in someone with depression and with the distorted perception that comes with it, put more pressure on one's self thinking you have to out-do yourself to please them. Of course, nothing about this is true - the good parents out there really have nothing but unconditional love. I just think no matter how talented and successful we are - no matter where on the spectrum - every day we have to have the humility to understand things may be thrown in our way, and and to watch expectations and care for our health. Easier said than done. And yes, I am extraordinarily lucky to be where I am.

tough to find the right thing to say wrote:

wammr - i can't really speak for this given my own parentless and abusive situation, but I could see where having great and supportive parents could, in someone with depression and with the distorted perception that comes with it, put more pressure on one's self thinking you have to out-do yourself to please them. Of course, nothing about this is true - the good parents out there really have nothing but unconditional love. I just think no matter how talented and successful we are - no matter where on the spectrum - every day we have to have the humility to understand things may be thrown in our way, and and to watch expectations and care for our health. Easier said than done. And yes, I am extraordinarily lucky to be where I am.

I thought we were coming from the same place. Evidently, not. What I was trying to highlight is that “good parents” are not always who they seem to be. Sometimes, the “good parents” we speak of are pushing their children to succeed without recognition of what is good for the children themselves. The children have a blinding desire to succeed without attention to how it affects them. It overwhelms them. They’re unable to combat such forces because they’re “good kids,” and allow these forces to supersede the feeling within that tells them to divert from the path they’re on. Killing themselves — the part of them that is rebelling — is, in an odd way, an adherence to being a good kid. These kids aren’t able — by the time they present themselves with such an ultimatum to escape their suffering — to assert their own desire to live because their lives, to that point, have not been their own. They’ve failed, by the only standards they know, and must eradicate themselves.