Should I lie to my daughter if I am not proud of her?

How old are your other two kids?

Confused dad wrote:

Btw, I have 2 other kids who are normal.

Boys?

Confused dad wrote:

I hear so many parents bragging about their kids and telling them and others "I am so proud of you (her)".

Parents have no business openly bragging or espousing how proud their are of their kids until their kids are 50. By that point, the child has grown into an adult, fully matured, and most likely lived a full and productive life themselves. Until then, there is far too many of life's pitfalls to hit where the kids can ruin their or someone else's life.

It is okay to be inwardly proud of your kids, but bragging openly and outwardly is a wrong.

Maybe she feels abused by you, and that you owe her because of that. Is that the case? Why do you think that she feels entitled? What does she say?

I think you have personal issues, not being proud of your daughter. You seem like a very negative person to me, especially towards her. You should think of what you are doing.

I never had a daughter, wish that I had, and would sure love her if I did.

pics?

It seems she's acting like a lot of teenagers do?

Give it 5 years.

When I hear stories about my wife at that age she sounded like a psycho. She is now a very.polite lawyer who is constantly helping people and is very humble.

I think girls are just crazy around that age.

My little sister was the same way when she was 13-16. I couldn't stand to be around her and she fought often with my parents and my other siblings. We never got along, she was always yelling. She's 17 now and the rest of her siblings have been away to college. She seems to have grown out of it and when I am home I can pretty easily tolerate her. Just give it time. Hopefully she will mature like my little sister has.

Confused dad wrote:

I have a 17 year old daughter who behaves completely differently when she is with our family than when she is not. When she is with her friends she is very nice, polite and sweet. When she is with the family she is a complete selfish bitch. She is rude, mean, abrupt and demanding, and a bully to her little brother.

Have you ever noticed how people in general can be incredibly nice to total strangers and the same day be hurtful to the people who love us the most. I'm willing to wager that everyone fallen into that trap including you at least once. More often then not it is because we have taken those around us for granted but social norms do not allow us to be openly rude to everyone on the street.

Anyway, its probably just hormones. If you are a good parent, when she is 25 she will love her Dad more than ever.

Yes, you should praise her the things you see her doing 'right' in your opinion. Tell her that you are proud of the way she treats her friends with respect, fairness and empathy. Express your wish that she behave like that more at home with the family. Tell her you love her and be understanding- maneuvering through the teenage years is difficult. Be grateful that your child is not doing drugs and is generally respecting your rules.

If she has an entitlement mentality, is it because you\'ve been yielding to her demands for years and she\'s come to expect getting what she wants out of you by being aggressive based on your pattern of giving in after every fight?

As long as you're not consistently badgering her with what a disappointment she is, I doubt at her age she really gives much thought or care to whether you're proud of her or not.

Confused dad wrote:

I hear so many parents bragging about their kids and telling them and others "I am so proud of you (her)". She is so overwhelmingly difficult to be around that I can't bring myself to compliment her. Should i lie and tell her I am proud of her anyway?

Most parents that brag about their kids are lying to pump themselves up. Same people that brag about running a marathon, but it was actually a half marathon and they walked.

Blahbaba wrote:

Confused dad wrote:

I hear so many parents bragging about their kids and telling them and others "I am so proud of you (her)". She is so overwhelmingly difficult to be around that I can't bring myself to compliment her. Should i lie and tell her I am proud of her anyway?

Most parents that brag about their kids are lying to pump themselves up. Same people that brag about running a marathon, but it was actually a half marathon and they walked.

lol

Confused dad wrote:She is so overwhelmingly difficult to be around that I can't bring myself to compliment her.

Big. Red. Flag.

If you don't pay for her college, the colleges will still expect you to, and so she will struggle to be able to go at all. Likely, she won't be able to go for years. It is your duty to pay it. That is different from the general sense of entitlement, which stems from how she has been treated by you and more likely your wife all these years. Set limits, hold to them like a rock, except in truly exceptional circumstances, and things will get better if and only if your wife holds to them as well (a big iff).

Yes you should. And tell her she's beautiful.

She has the rest of the world to tear her down, she should have her dad's unconditional acceptance.

Sounds like eldest sister syndrome. I have seen this many times with teenage girls who are the older sister. They feel like they should be running the show and should get everything they want because of the attention the younger siblings got growing up. It is a big change to go from the center of attention to being asked to watch out for the younger siblings all the time when growing up.

Parenting is like distance running. It is an endurance event. Kids go through phases. Girls can be horrible teenagers, but become your best friend after graduating from college and gaining some self-awareness. Set very realistic boundaries and do not bend when lines are crossed. But do not expect your kid to change overnight and do not give up on her. You just have to ride it out and make the best of it. Constant conflict doesn't help anything.

You do not have to lie to her, but you are the adult and need to understand that heaping your frustrations on your daughter is not productive. She knows that you do not like how she behaves and she will only be more determined to act out the harder you push her about it.

Confused dad wrote:

She is so overwhelmingly difficult to be around that I can't bring myself to compliment her. Should i lie and tell her I am proud of her anyway?

No. You need to tell her how her behaviour makes you feel.

Pay attention to the order of those words. It's not "You are difficult." It's "your behaviour makes me feel XYZ." You need to do this privately of course and within a very specific context of an interaction that just occurred, not an incident from an hour ago.

If you don't have these skills, go to a Marraige and Family Therapist and practice them before starting. It is not easy. But, it works.