Should I apologize to an ex-girlfriend I haven't spoken to in 10 years?

The real issue with you seems to be that you feel guilty about it, because you think things could have and should have gone differently. You can apologize if you like, but you may also be opening up an old wound for her for no better reason than to make yourself feel better.

You may ask yourself if it would make her feel better, but why stir up old junk? You're married and have settled down, and unless you ruined her for any other relationship after you, why be hung up on it?

Ask your wife what she thinks about it. She will probably give you an earful, or the glorious silent treatment.

Before you doing anything, ask your wife how she would feel if you reached out to the ex-girlfriend to apologize. If you did this without consulting her first, and she found about it later, there might be a sense of mistrust going forward.

Personally, I do not see anything to be gained by reaching out to the ex. Apologizing this late wouldn't really change the way you behaved in the past, nor will it necessarily eliminate your shame or guilt.

My $0.02.

OP, great post. You sound like a good dude. I would show your post to your wife; it explains the situation well.

If your wife's comfortable with you contacting your ex, I'd certainly consider it. Your ex sounds like a good person and relationships are important.

I agree. Keep your wife in the loop, but send your ex an email, or whatever. Too many people become bitter and mean because they think life has taught them that being kind is stupid.

Actually, heck: Who cares about your wife's insecurities. You *must* send an apology.

Good Luck

Bruce Denton wrote:

Before you doing anything, ask your wife how she would feel if you reached out to the ex-girlfriend to apologize. If you did this without consulting her first, and she found about it later, there might be a sense of mistrust going forward.

Personally, I do not see anything to be gained by reaching out to the ex. Apologizing this late wouldn't really change the way you behaved in the past, nor will it necessarily eliminate your shame or guilt.

My $0.02.

My wife knows about my ex and what an a**hole I was at the time. My wife and my mom are close, and my mom has told her a few stories about how I acted like a cold b*stard toward my ex, usually in front of me just to bust my chops a little. I've changed so much since then that my wife can't even believe that I behaved in such a way. Whenever my wife has asked me about the situation with my ex, I've told her that I feel guilty about the way I acted. I've never brought up the idea of apologizing to my ex My wife is a very kind-hearted person, so she might think highly of the idea. Then again, it could also hurt her in some way. I probably wouldn't like if my wife wrote a letter of apology to one of her exes.

Although I don't have any feelings toward my ex other than respect and guilt, the same might not be true for her, so I do worry about what a letter might do to her. And you're right, it might not make me feel better either. I guess I just have this idea in my mind of a perfect scenario where I write the letter, she accepts my apology and says that she understands, and then that's the end of it. This is probably completely unrealistic and childish, though.

Pics?

As someone who has been on the receiving end of such a gesture; it's appreciated. But be sure that you communicate your apology in such a way that you don't make it sound like you're testing the waters or wanting to get back together. That was my initial feeling when I received a couple of cards from my ex. He never mentioned his current relationship, and I had to ask a mutual friend what was going on. The friend thought that he was just apologizing, and hoping for a friendship out of it (with no angling to get back together). So just be clear (in nice wording) that you're happily married, and just want to make peace with your residual feelings of guilt. Your ex I think will appreciate it...I know that I did.

I contacted an ex, early in the relationship with my wife, then told her about it, and that the reason was to be clear and done with the past. She never said anything about this to me, and we had the most wonderful relationship for the last 40 years.

Link wrote:

You *must* send an apology.

I disagree. Is the OP apologizing for himself or for his ex? That's the only question that matters.

OP, if you are acting solely out of guilt, it's coming from the wrong place and shouldn't be done. I doubt an apology from you will make her life better at this point. Do you know her current situation? Unless she's in a happy relationship, it may be very bitter for her to receive a "Hey I'm happily married now, but I thought this extremely late token of apology would soothe the pitiful existence you're living without me." No matter how you phrase it, that's how it could come off.

It sounds like she really loved you and you really screwed up. Perhaps it would be better to deal with your guilt alone. Consider it carefully before you act.

Dude, you need to let it go:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0MK7qz13bU

She probably hasn't given two thoughts about your a-hole self since the breakup. Get over yourself.

Pictures?

You have answered your own question the only reason you want to apologize is for YOU - you are an A-hole after all.

Visions of Johanna wrote:

This has been bothering me for a while...

Because, after all, it's ALWAYS about you.

Yes, you should apologize.

Absolutely.

If your wife is a kind and secure woman, she'll believe your reasoning.

It sounds like you've grown up, and want to clean up some of your past.

Your ex may really, really appreciate it.

levaeheralone wrote:

She probably hasn't given two thoughts about your a-hole self since the breakup. Get over yourself.

^^^ This. She has probably moved on. Don't open that door.

First of all, this is ridiculous. You are a married man. Who gives a crap that you weren't the world's best boyfriend 10 years ago. So, you apologize to her to make yourself feel better, and then, what, if she's still single she now sees you've matured and wishes she could be with you now? Just a good way to make HER feel bad.

And, as has already been said to you, if you contact a former girlfriend in any way for any reason, you'd better tell your wife of your plan FIRST.

This is really stupid though. Even the most secure women in the world might have an issue with their husband calling an ex-girlfriend to basically show them now how great he is.

You're an idiot if you do this. Ex-girlfriends deserve none of your time.

Apologize to your mom. She obviously dealt with the effects and aftermath. Start with her.

I am glad you posted as I have been looking for your lazy, good-for-nothing ass for the past 10 years. How dare you go on a message board and 'brag' about how you are doing now. You forced me into prostitution to help support your business ventures and look where it has gotten me. You know exactly where I am located, in the same crack house you left me in 10 years ago. Does your oh-so-secure wife know about this? If you know what is good for you then you will stay away, stay far away!!