How serious would you get with a girl who has had so many male sex partners that she can't remember the number?
Her last "boyfriend" was a guy who just used her for a year for sex. They never went out. They worked together and he even avoided her when he saw her. But he would call her and she would go right to his place for sex only. She even admits she was his booty call.
Guys, what do you think? Is her past just that, or is this one a little too much on the skanky side?
You literally just described a slut. Yes, her sexual past does matter. If you're looking for a booty call, you've found it. If you're looking for a serious relationship, do yourself a favor and look elsewhere.
yes it matters. There was a good thread on here a few years ago asking How Many is Too Many?
Great responses. Although I'm still calling BS on the guys that say "It doesn't matter."
If you desire a loose woman, smooth as oil, and are informed and equipped to approach zis correctly, as a "player," a flaneur of free love, a swinger sans culottes, you may achieve mutual benefit and satisfaction. But the possibilities of deception and sex "in common" may bring disease, stress, violence and diminution of the humors and the vital energy for seduction and games.
If you have relationship plans par "convention" and lack the insight and preparations from experience, and mix in emotions, domestic and le romance, you must stay away. If you are smitten or have a penchant for the courtesan at "arms length" then it will also be trouble. Some men enjoy this but know that negotiations will not be even. Yes?
Not if you have the sense to not ask and she has the sense to keep her mouth shut
Yes. Girls who are registered sex offenders might complicate your life.
I hate to say it, but I would not respect a girl like the one you described. To be fair, it sounds like she was just in it for sex too, but you don't really want to be with girls who think like that. Everyone has had a few onenight stands or short term flings, but making a habit out of such behavior is not a good thing.
Overall, sexual history only matters if it is out of the ordinary. Being a 25 year old virgin or having dozens of sex partners are both red flags in my opinion. For someone in their 20s, 2-15 sex partners is pretty acceptable I think. I go up to 15 because I don't feel like I'm very permiscuous and actively avoid sleeping with women I'm not serious about, yet I will still likely have had more than 15 partners by the time I'm 30. I'll have to check how that stacks up against the average.
Doclove wrote:
Not if you have the sense to not ask and she has the sense to keep her mouth shut
OK I'll buy into this ^^ until conversation about removing the condom comes up. Then that conversation only need to go as deep as a Yes or No to: have you ever had another sex partner? After that it's :let's get tested and we define how we will handle keeping that safety zone safe.
To those who say being a booty call is the same as being a slut:
I have happily been on both sides of booty calls. Does this mean I have given up all chances of getting into a meaningful long term relationship? Of course not!
I was the booty call/romantic partner of a high profile female who chose to keep her sex and romantic life out of the public arena. She actually tried very hard to keep all the details of her day to day life out of the press as much as she could.
Big Hester wrote:
How serious would you get with a girl who has had so many male sex partners that she can't remember the number?
Her last "boyfriend" was a guy who just used her for a year for sex. They never went out. They worked together and he even avoided her when he saw her. But he would call her and she would go right to his place for sex only. She even admits she was his booty call.
Guys, what do you think? Is her past just that, or is this one a little too much on the skanky side?
Why did you ask? Why did she tell you?
In general, I don't want any amateurs in my bed. What they did in the past - I could not care less. I am unusual in that it doesn't bother me.
If it bothers you, move on. But bang her first....
gapster wrote:
For someone in their 20s, 2-15 sex partners is pretty acceptable I think. I go up to 15 because I don't feel like I'm very promiscuous and actively avoid sleeping with women I'm not serious about, yet I will still likely have had more than 15 partners by the time I'm 30. I'll have to check how that stacks up against the average.
I'd slept w/ 50-60 women by 30. Some of my friends >200 by 30.
Disclosure - We were stock brokers in London and NYC
I'd be more worried about getting an STI. I wouldn't go near that. A condom won't protect you from getting genital warts which is spreading like crazy now.
the only red flag in this story is the way either she or you retells the story about her relationship with her coworker: "He used her for sex." And she's just not an agent in this? She's like a cardboard cutout that he slept with?
Either she or you doesn't think of herself as an autonomous sexual agent. Denial of responsibility/lack of courage/refusal to believe that women can be sexually autonomous- now those matter.
What a bunch of dorks.
Someone really thinks 15 is a lot of people by the time you are 30? If you start having sex at 15 that is 1 person a year. You are delusional is you don't think most single people who are moderately attractive and not socially inept don't sleep with way, way more than that.
To answe the original question, as long as she doesn't have any stds or mental issues, go for it.
Totally depends on your perspective. If you subscribe to the sexist and increasingly outdated notion that women just don't like sex very much, of course a woman's sexual past is going to matter, because under this assumption only loose morals and/or some weird childhood issues could account her for behavior, as opposed to genuine desire on her part. If this sounds like your viewpoint, leave this girl be. You'll be doing a favor for both of you.
If, on the other hand, you believe that women do enjoy sex, you probably shouldn't give a damn.
Her sexual health is definitely relevant either way. Anyone who's had a fair amount of sex outside of committed relationships should get tested, regardless of gender.
ScottEvil wrote:
the only red flag in this story is the way either she or you retells the story about her relationship with her coworker: "He used her for sex." And she's just not an agent in this? She's like a cardboard cutout that he slept with?
Either she or you doesn't think of herself as an autonomous sexual agent. Denial of responsibility/lack of courage/refusal to believe that women can be sexually autonomous- now those matter.
That's what bothers me more than the countless sexual partners. I even mentioned that she let him treat her that way. She unashamedly agreed that she did. I asked if they watched tv together on the couch. Played board games. Went anywhere. She said nope, just sex.
She knows she was used, yet doesn't feel bad about it. In fact, she still talks to the guy (he now lives out of state).
Big Hester wrote:
Guys, what do you think? Is her past just that, or is this one a little too much on the skanky side?
If you're inexperienced, this is probably the best way to go. Nice thing about experienced girls is they've been with enough different kinds of guys to get a sense of what's normal. At least that's what I've found. An inexperienced girl has more false expectations about guys because she hasn't been out there and experienced all the disappointments. She knows more what she likes and doesn't like, so if she likes you then it's more certain that she's really into you. You'll probably find the experienced girl to be more sympathetic in general.
Perhaps you aren't the right guy for her if this bothers you. In this case it sounds like her and the co-worker used each other for sex, it's called sport f@cking and many people are fine with it. The only way she was "used' was if he was leading her on like implying they were going to get engaged or something.
I had a lot of partners (although if pressed and given some time I could probably name them all) before I got married at 30. My wife had fewer but still enough that there was not a huge amount of moral ground she could claim if she wanted to (she never has.) But I can see how if there was a huge disparity (say, one partner had less than 5 and the other 50+) it could eventually trigger some resentment. Just depends on how judgmental each is and their hang-ups regarding sex.
Based on what I've seen, the bigger trigger for problems isn't the actual number of partners but what you did with them if it went beyond the usual vanilla sex and if that is significantly different than what you are doing with your current partner. That is probably a whole different discussion/thread!
mellow seeds wrote:
What a bunch of dorks.
Someone really thinks 15 is a lot of people by the time you are 30? If you start having sex at 15 that is 1 person a year. You are delusional is you don't think most single people who are moderately attractive and not socially inept don't sleep with way, way more than that.
According to various sources I found, median number of partners in a lifetime is 6-8 for men and about 4 for women. I find these numbers very low, but I can't find any sources markedly different. With sex I would guess that the top 20% is having a great deal more of it than the bottom 80%. Like I said, I actively avoid random hookups and sleeping with girls I'm not serious about, and I'm still already above the median # of lifetime partners at age 26. I've been in two relationships lasting more than one year and didn't lose my virginity until I was 21. I could probably have sex with about 4 different girls I currently know right now, but I don't really want to. After a few bad experiences with girls going crazy after sex you start to be a bit wary of it when you live in town that's too small for you to hide from people.
[quote]gapster wrote:
I don't feel like I'm very permiscuous quote]
Permiscuous: When you give yourself permission to be a man ho
Promiscuous; When you get good at it.