Asked to be the best man for a wedding I don't agree with. Best way to handle this situation?

So is this a gay wedding?

Oaklandia wrote:

So is this a gay wedding?

No. I don't know if listing my reasons for disagreeing with the wedding is all that important in regards to my question about handling the situation with my friend. But for those who must know, I do not think the wedding is a good idea because his fiancee is emotionally abusive, has cheated on him at least 5 times, and has a mountain of debt. Those are the three big things.

Northwest Runner wrote:

Oaklandia wrote:

So is this a gay wedding?

No. I don't know if listing my reasons for disagreeing with the wedding is all that important in regards to my question about handling the situation with my friend. But for those who must know, I do not think the wedding is a good idea because his fiancee is emotionally abusive, has cheated on him at least 5 times, and has a mountain of debt. Those are the three big things.

If you're a close enough friend for him to ask you to be "his best man," then you should have let him know your feelings about any possibility of the wedding long in advance. Amirite? If you're not a super close friend, enough to give him such advice on his relationship, then the idiot needs to get some close guy friends. If he doesn't have close guy friends (on top of tolerating such a sh!tty relationship), then he's got social problems. Anyway, divorce isn't the end of the world and short marriages can work out for some people/have value, but... there are a lot of longstanding symptoms of trouble, from what I can gather here

Easy to see why you wouldn't want to be a party to that. Does your friend know about the debt and all the cheating?

If you're tight with this guy you should be able to have an honest and hopefully not-too-emotional conversation with him about your reservations...but before you do, I would first consider if that might be a friendship-ending move and, if so, whether or not that's acceptable to you.

Kipketer_Pumpkin_Eater wrote:

If you're a close enough friend for him to ask you to be "his best man," then you should have let him know your feelings about any possibility of the wedding long in advance. Amirite? If you're not a super close friend, enough to give him such advice on his relationship, then the idiot needs to get some close guy friends. If he doesn't have close guy friends (on top of tolerating such a sh!tty relationship), then he's got social problems. Anyway, divorce isn't the end of the world and short marriages can work out for some people/have value, but... there are a lot of longstanding symptoms of trouble, from what I can gather here

I have let him know in the past that I do not think this is the right woman for him. But I didn't lay out a big case or anything.

Oaklandia wrote:

Easy to see why you wouldn't want to be a party to that. Does your friend know about the debt and all the cheating?

If you're tight with this guy you should be able to have an honest and hopefully not-too-emotional conversation with him about your reservations...but before you do, I would first consider if that might be a friendship-ending move and, if so, whether or not that's acceptable to you.

He certainly knows about her debt, which he doesn't seem worried about at all. He knows she has cheated on him but he refuses to acknowledge the true extent of her unfaithfulness, or he just doesn't believe it. This is a woman who carried on a several months long relationship with another man behind his back, and he knows about that.

We are close friends so I do worry about the effect turning down his best man offer would have on that friendship. He is a bit of an emotional roller coaster and I think he'd handle me turning him down very poorly. I do not want to ruin our friendship because I care about my friend. But also caring about him is the reason why I think this marriage is a terrible idea.

First, you should talk with your friend about this (the marriage) and express why you think marriage is a bad idea. Of course be very careful and tactful about what you say, but if you are the best man, he apparently thinks you two are close, so it is your duty as friend to talk to him about it. Do not be too pointed with your talking and do not express any firm beliefs. Just say things like, "Isn't she in debt? Are you okay with that? You don't think she would ever use you for money?" You want to get the wheels turning in his head without coming across as a jerk.

Second, go to the wedding and be best man. If it blows up two years from now, oh well. It is his life and his decisions. I have actually seen this several times already. One of our good neighbor friends growing up married her long time on-again off-again boyfriend against the wishes of pretty much everyone who knew them. She then had his child, he continued to be a deadbeat loser, and she divorced him within 18 months I believe. Another was a friend of friend. His wife was hated by pretty much everyone who came into contact with her except him. She treated him like garbage, stole from him, spent all of "their" money, cheated on him, cussed him out in front of everyone at his work place, etc. They divorced within a year or so also. Both of the above (the neighbor friend and the friend of a friend) are now happily married to other people, but no amount of talking would have swayed them with their first marriages. It might even be better for you to not say much at all. It's your call... but I would still be best man for the guy regardless.

Thanks for your input. I am currently leading to being the best man regardless, but I'm still mulling things over. The thing about being best man though is that I'll need to interact at the wedding while concealing my reservations. I don't know what I'd do about the speech, for instance. I would not want it to come across that I am not happy for him in the speech. Things like that.

Northwest Runner wrote:

Thanks for your input. I am currently leading to being the best man regardless, but I'm still mulling things over. The thing about being best man though is that I'll need to interact at the wedding while concealing my reservations. I don't know what I'd do about the speech, for instance. I would not want it to come across that I am not happy for him in the speech. Things like that.

Speeches are easy.

1) Get a little bit drunk

2) But not too drunk

3) Tell some lame story that is supposed to be funny about your great times in some frat (equivalent lame story setting will work fine)

4) Say 'Good Luck'

5) Get drunker

Your welcome

May this marriage be like we would want ours to be (raise glass) FULL OF JOY !! FOREVER!!sit the fdown

Northwest Runner wrote:

Thanks for your input. I am currently leading to being the best man regardless, but I'm still mulling things over. The thing about being best man though is that I'll need to interact at the wedding while concealing my reservations. I don't know what I'd do about the speech, for instance. I would not want it to come across that I am not happy for him in the speech. Things like that.

Sounds like you're worst man

I'm surprised you haven't talked to your friend about this already. It doesn't have to have anything to do with you being the best man, just whether you think there's any real chance of this being a good idea for him. If not, how can you consider yourself a friend when you knowingly let your friend have a terrible life?

Agreewithyouooo wrote:

I'm surprised you haven't talked to your friend about this already. It doesn't have to have anything to do with you being the best man, just whether you think there's any real chance of this being a good idea for him. If not, how can you consider yourself a friend when you knowingly let your friend have a terrible life?

My friend doesn't have a terrible life. He has a terrible fiancee. I have told him that I do not think she's the right one, but as I'm sure you know, when someone is in love, they don't usually take their friends' opinions about their SO into account.

Oh gosh, this thread! haha. Great advice (that's really bad) (if you know what I mean). hahaha. X^D

If you already made it clear to him you think he is making a mistake (and it sounds like you have), you should definitely be his best man and do the best you can at it. You are HIS best man, not theirs, after all.

If it doesn't work out, a few years from now he will be thankful that you were in his corner and remember that.

If you skip the wedding or forget you are doing this for your friend and let your dislike towards her get in the way, you will regret it in the future.

saidthis in asimiliar position wrote:

May this marriage be like we would want ours to be (raise glass) FULL OF JOY !! FOREVER!!

sit the fdown

Northwest Runner wrote:

Thanks for your input. I am currently leading to being the best man regardless, but I'm still mulling things over. The thing about being best man though is that I'll need to interact at the wedding while concealing my reservations. I don't know what I'd do about the speech, for instance. I would not want it to come across that I am not happy for him in the speech. Things like that.

+1

My brother asked me to be the best man at his wedding. While his then fiance had not cheated or buried herself in debt, I simply did not like her. I flat out told him that I didn't want to be the best man in a wedding I couldn't believe in.He was mad for a week and then got over it.If you are not able to be bluntly honest with your friend, then you are not as close to him as you believe.Be a man.

Northwest Runner wrote:

Agreewithyouooo wrote:

I'm surprised you haven't talked to your friend about this already. It doesn't have to have anything to do with you being the best man, just whether you think there's any real chance of this being a good idea for him. If not, how can you consider yourself a friend when you knowingly let your friend have a terrible life?

My friend doesn't have a terrible life. He has a terrible fiancee. I have told him that I do not think she's the right one, but as I'm sure you know, when someone is in love, they don't usually take their friends' opinions about their SO into account.

It was you she cheated on him with, wasn't it? That's why being best man is bothering you so much.

You should tell a funny story about it at the wedding, and put it on the internet to get loads of hits and be famous. People lap up those wedding videos.

you do realize as the best man you aren't marrying her and don't have to have any ties to her afterwards. Be the best man, look sharp, say something witty and funny all while keeping it appropriate for the wedding, then its a pretty easy layup w/ either the brides slutty sisters or one of her slut friends.