I had on a pair of worn out “tennis shoes” everyone was waiting around a set of bleachers to listen to whatthe coach had to say. I was super nervous, I was worried what everyone would think of me. Would I fit in? Was I good enough? What if everyone was better than me? I was a shy 10th grader who had virtually no real friends and no confidence. I had been the chubby kid all through middle school. I remember a girl even pretended we were dating for a short period just so she and her friends could poke fun at me. This was all about to change whether I knew it or not. This day sitting on the bleachers worrying and waiting was about to change my life forever.
Flash forward two years, Its regional Senior year of high school. To me the field is stacked I have a mediocre personal best of 4:31 for the 1600 meter where as my peers on the line with me are much faster a few over 10 seconds. I was so scared. Having made leaps and bounds since that first day as the chubby kid with no identity. I still had not made enough progress to really do what I wanted, which was to catch the attention of a Division 1 college coach. So this being my last race I went for it all or nothing. I went straight to the front and took the race out I took us through in 2:09 probably one of the dumbest things I could have done. Being that I was probably the slowest kid in the field. I held the lead through 1200 meters. That’s when I started going backwards. I got passed by 6 of my competitors. I ended up finishing 7th and missing states by one spot. I managed to sneak out a new personal Best of 4:29.
Flash forward 4 months, I’m waiting in line for my name to be called. I’m more scared than ever. I feel as if everyone else in line with me is better than me. I know i'm not going to make the team. Why would a Division 1 coach with 1:47 800 runners and 4:02 milers take a 4:29 1600 meter runner? I feel like everyone else is looking at me and snickering. They call my name and I go through physicals and get cleared to run. While waiting I met two guys that were in a very similar situation. Little did I know that these two guys were going to become two of my best friends, my brothers and future roommates. The week is passing by all along i'm worried, we have two workouts that week and the whole time the coach is watching us. He is looking to see who can keep up and who can't. I’m worried still, I didn't fall off of the group he put me with but i'm certainly not in the top group on any of these workouts.
It is now Friday and the roster is supposed to be set by the end of the day and posted in the locker room. I leave and come back when no one else is around. I don't want to awkwardly be there next to others reading the list only to find out that my name isn't on it. When I arrive at the locker room door I hesitate to open it. I’m so scared, the only reason I came here was to try and run. What am I going to do if I am not on the list? My parents won't let me transfer. I muster up the courage to open the door. I walk in and read the list. Halfway down the list is my name! I am overcome with joy and immediately call my dad and my high school coach to tell them the news. I’ve never been so happy and relieved.
That whole first year is rough. I improve some not much though. Having come from a 35 mile a week high school background I am having a hard time transitioning to the 65 miles per week that coach has me doing. Coach forces me and some of the other walk-ons to red-shirt to juggle us between the roster limits imposed by the administration. Once again I am worried about whether I will still be on the team or not. Coach keeps saying that the administration is making him reduce the roster size to Comply with Title IX. This has me and my fellow walk-ons running scared all that second semester. We are all worried that we won't be brought back the following year. Coach lets us know his decision will be made before we leave for the summer so he won't be wasting anyone’s time. We all get a surprise none of the freshman walk-ons are cut. Coach instead cuts a couple of lazy sophomores that have already been given two years to prove themselves. This is one situation where running with heart prevailed. Coach saw us day in and day out pouring our hearts into it and he kept us around.
It is now Sophomore year. I come back in the best shape of my life. My body is adjusting to the higher mileage and extra work-load. We go through physicals and after-wards we all plan to do our long run together. Of course the older team hammerheads start pushing the pace. Trying to prove they are in excellent shape. I feel terrible I can barely keep up. I’m supposed to do 15 miles and we hit the 10 mile point on the run and I start getting dizzy and having black spots in my vision. Am I in that bad of shape? Maybe i'm just tired and worn out from the move in process that day and staying up late packing. That sounds logical right? So I stop and walk back knowing we have a workout coming up and coach is talking roster limits again I need to prove myself. I try and run again the next day, same thing I feel awful going 7:30 pace which to me is a joke. I immediately go to the doctor that evening. Something must be wrong? They draw blood, feel my spleen and take my temperature. The usual doctor tests. The blood-work immediately shows that I have Mono. I know I’m done know why would coach keep around a 4:05 1500 runner with Mono? At the time I have no idea why, but he does. Coach keeps me around. I get better and start training with the mid-D roster guys who don't compete in cross country. We do a 1200 meter time trial right before going home for winter break. I have little expectations as I have been back from mono for about 5 weeks. We come through the 1000 in 2:34 which is already a PR for me I have only run 2:38 my teammates are rooting for the 4 of us in it. I pick it up that last 200 and finish the 1200 in 3:04. That at the time was the happiest moment of my life. I finished 5 seconds behind a guy who would go on to become a 1:47 800 meter all American. We come back from winter break and I open up with a 2:32 1000m race. Nice PR and solid opener in my opinion. However a week later I develop Achilles tendonitis my right Achilles is twice the size of my left one. I’m not going to stop I can't I want to run. I don't want to get cut, So I train through it. This doesn't work out. As my Achilles worsens my mileage gets lower and lower until I am eventually on the bike mainly and doing just track workouts. As the mileage gets lower I get slower my confidence is gone I feel as if being on the bike is causing me to lose fitness. Eventually I have to stop for the year and wait out the long healing process.
Junior year is now beginning and I like the previous year am in the best shape of my life. We come back for physicals and ihm feeling pretty good about everything. I’m ready to run fast In cross country and contribute to this team. My plans are however once again ruined by an injury. My right knee starts having a popping pain on the outside area. It is unbearable and I can't even do the workouts that week. I’m certain this time that when coach posts the roster my name will not be on it. What good is a mediocre mid-distance runner that is always injured? Apparently something more to coach than I ever thought. He puts me on the mid-distance roster and I take a few weeks to heal and work on my IT band syndrome and I begin training. I’m starting to look really good in workouts and we do our usual pre winter break time trial and I am now doing a 1600m. I somehow lose count of the laps and come through ahead of everyone in 4:19 but I keep going thinking I have one more lap to go and run 4:41 for 1800 meters coach laughs at me and tells me playfully i'm a dumb-ass. I’m pleased my PR at the time is a 4:20 so I can't complain too much. All that indoor season I am a headcase. I have been injured all of this time and never been in any big meets. I have never raced outside of the state. but coach is now traveling me to Bu meets in Boston and New york meets at the Armory. I’m so nervous at each meet that I suck I run nowhere near my potential. It comes down to the final race. A last chance meet at our indoor facility. I manage to run a mediocre 2:30 1000 meter race and get the IC4A qualifying time off of a flat track conversion. Coach decides he is going to take me to IC4As and that I will run the 1200 meter lead off leg on the DMR. Fast forward i'm on the starting line in the top alley and i'm about to pee on myself i'm so nervous. As a junior this is my first championship race. The first time the team is counting on me. The gun goes off and the race is on. We come through in 2:00 flat for 800 meters I’m zoned out and feeling good? I come through 1000 meters and it hurts pretty bad now but I look over and see a group of teammates and I don't give in to my fragile mind. I dig deep and kick I keep the pace the same and manage a 3:00 1200 and bring the baton through neck and neck for first. My teammates all run well and we advance to finals. I’m certain coach is going to boot me off of the relay for the final for a more experienced guy who didn't advance individually. Instead he gives me another chance. I put my head in the race and the same result in the final I run another 3:00 flat 1200 and bring the baton through in 4th and we end up finishing 5th overall. To many this will seem like nothing But to me this was super special. That outdoor season I open up with a 4:02 1500 i'm running like crap back to being a headcase. I know something has to change, I’m better than this. I workout with a 4:04 miler with ease and I run 4:02 for 1500 meters? The next race our assistant coach who once ran for OTC Elite and has a 5000m PR in the 13:20's says to me hes been watching me and he says I need to do more for my warm up. He tells me I stand around too much because i'm so nervous. He has me do a more active warmup and he talks to me and tells me I can do this. Hes right, I listen to him and gain some confidence I end up dropping 8 seconds and running a 3:54. Nothing special but I’m proud of myself. Few weeks later conferences rolls around and i'm on the second lap of the 1500m final. We approach the 1000m mark and I stupidly make an inside pass because there’s an opening. An opponent clips my heels and I go down taking a teammate down with me. We both get up and finish dead last. That kills my confidence and my season is done.
Senior year begins coach and I decide to avoid cross country as I haven't done it in 3 years and i'm healthy for once. So we stick to what I know, Mid-Distance roster. I train all fall running hard and my time trial before winter break is a 1000m I run 2:28 which at the time is my PR. I’m pumped we go home for winter break and I come back our first real meet I run an awful 3:05 1200 split and a 2:34 1000. We return to the Armory 2 weeks later and I sneak out a 4:14 IC4A qualifier barely. I’m super happy because its early. But I don't improve I stay there even though i'm working out like a 4:04 miler. I volunteer to do the DMR instead of my individual event at IC4As we don't have a huge squad running well so I wanted to give my teammates an opportunity to compete and run well. We end up running decent I split a 3:00 flat on day one and a 2:59 on day 2 we end up 4th overall but we ran a pretty fast time by my standards 9:46 in the final. Outdoors begins and I open up with my first ever race over 1 mile. A 3000m as a workout I like an idiot lead the race through 2200 meters and then get passed but I manage an 8:37 which I was pleased with. The following week I run 3:55 in a 1500 and the season is downhill from there nothing good happens at all. I’m done right? I’m a senior.
For most yes but not for this walk-on. I had a full 5th year of eligibility left. Why would someone come back and spend thousands of dollars just to run one more year? Well I did this anyways despite how irrational or dumb it sounds. I got up at 6:00 Am every morning drove 45 minutes to my internship ran on my lunch break and did my workouts in the evenings or ran again. It was a miserable summer but I was determined to run cross country this year my team graduated most of the guys who were good at XC. I come back and get dropped on the first workout. Coach makes a smart-ass remark about whether or not I did any running this summer. A week later open up with a 5000m race/workout on a flat XC course and I run 16:20. Pretty awful right? Coach and I both thought so. Next race I run 27:20 for 8000 meters a laughable time. I start to question why did I come back? But then it comes together I start looking good in workouts and the next race I run 25:52 for 8000 meters. I’m feeling better but I know my team needs me. Were in a new faster conference with a weaker XC roster than I had seen in years. So conferences rolls around and my girlfriend is going to break up with me I can tell by the stuff shes saying and how shes acting. Shes just trying to wait until after my race. But I know my team needs me so I call her up and end it I just want the weight off of my shoulders. I step on that starting line depressed as ever. But my team needs me. I go out feeling sorry for myself and just don't really care. But then about 5000 meters in I see my coaches and I realize: My team needs me. I start to pick it up and the farther I go the worse it hurts. But my team needs me, I end up finishing as our third man in 24:43 for 8000 meters. This to this day is my proudest moment. In my first XC season I ran pretty well I was a 17:20 5k runner in high school and a 4:29 miler and I just managed 4:58 pace for basically 5 miles. The year keeps progressing indoors goes OK but nothing special. I feel like crap at the indoor conference meet and suck I split 1:55 800m, split 3:05 1200m and run 4:18 for a mile only scoring 2 points individually. The year presses on and I open up outdoors with an 8:32 3000 meter race and get second. My next race is a 1500m and I manage a 3:52.9 a PR but nowhere near my potential. Then a week later I PR again but only barely I run 3:52.4 I went out too hard and confident and faded. That brings me to where I am now. I am a 5th year senior with a month left or racing collegiately. I still have a lot left to give and I nearing the end. Lately i've been feeling empty i'm about to lose what defined me, I’m about to lose what made me who I am today. Through all of the ups and downs one thing has remained constant: running. Running took me from that chubby little kid with no identity and turned me into the fit confident runner that I am today. Lately i've been asking myself will I continue to run at this high level? Will I turn into a hobby jogger? I think I’ve found the answer to these questions: yes to both. A year ago I would have told you i'm done with running after college. I’m tired of the stress and required dedication. But lately i've come to realize running is in my blood there is a reason I stuck with it through all of this nonsense. I will continue to train at this high level and race, I have not yet reached my potential and I can't give up my identity. Eventually I will make the transition to hobby jogger but not yet.
The reason I share my story is to encourage young runners to never give up. If you want to run in college do it! There is a college out there for everyone. I am by no means fast. But I have come a long way and running made me who I am today. It made me confident, better looking, more fit, gave me social skills and people skills but most of all it gave me friends and took me on an adventure that I wouldn't trade for anything.