Long-term relationship advice for dating a woman with herpes

It's herpes, not aids.

Trust me, it's probably not gonna affect anything.

If you haven't noticed she has herpes, that means that she probably has not had a breakout in the time you have dated her, which is about a year, right?

Which likely means that while she is a carrier, she will rarely have any breakouts.

Which greatly reduces her transmitting the virus to you.

I've had it for about 6 years.

And I MIGHT have a breakout about once a year.

And when I do, it's only a cold sore on one corner of my mouth for about 5 days.

yeah, I wouldn't worry too much about it. If you love her, she will eventually stop having sex with you anyway.

+1

Knowledge is power. Learn everything you can. Not so much on here, though. Lots of misinformation.

Yes, you can both talk to the doctor together. Doctors will generally allow anybody to come into the exam room w/ permission of the patient.

She never had any symptoms, and only found out when an Ex contacted her and let her know that he tested positive.

If he hadn't contacted her, she would have had not have thought to get tested. To her knowledge, she has never had an outbreak, other than a cold sore on her mouth occasionally.

I've read online that passing from female to male is already a much lower risk, as the virus has to pass through the skin, and that's easier in the more sensitive areas of a woman than in a man. And it seems that if she takes anti-viral meds and if we abstain during an outbreak, then the risks go down a lot.

I think a bigger thing may be that she is depressed. Has anyone every been with someone when they were diagnosed?

Of course, she's worried about having children, but it seems even that has low risk of complications, mainly if an outbreak occurs during childbirth.

Thanks for the helpful responses, and the humorous ones as well.

Dr Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club wrote:

I think a bigger thing may be that she is depressed. Has anyone every been with someone when they were diagnosed?

Diagnosed with Herpes or diagnosed with Depression?

Man, you've got your hands full.

Dr Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club wrote:

I've read online that passing from female to male is already a much lower risk, as the virus has to pass through the skin, and that's easier in the more sensitive areas of a woman than in a man. And it seems that if she takes anti-viral meds and if we abstain during an outbreak, then the risks go down a lot.

This is true. The 1 year rate of trasmission from F to M is ~4%, according to peer reviewed literature. That rate is 1/2 is the infected person takes supressant therapy. It is also 1/2 if the couples use condoms. I don't know if those are additive or not, though.

Since you appear to have done some reading you probably already know that she can be shedding without an outbreak. Abstaining during an outbreak does help but is not any sort of guarantee.

Also, some doctors do not recommend supressants in the absence of outbreaks.

Diagnosed with herpes. Yes, hands are full. But I'm committed, and this isn't her fault, and I'm planning to see this through.

Seems like it's a manageable condition, and many people live complete lives without too much interference. I guess I can just continue to be supportive and try to help her see the professionals that she needs to in order to get over this hurdle.

I'm not sure of the law everywhere, but if she had insurance before, she should be covered for this now. pre existing conditions are a problem if you only sign up for insurance after a diagnosis you get while you are uninsured. it makes sure people pay premiums when they're healthy. this isn't that kind of situation.

My first question would be, what else doesn't she know she has? Hmmm?

I've had it for years. Not sure where I first contracted the oral strain as a kid, but I always had a lot of canker sores growing up. Here's the kicker (and what they don't teach you in sex ed): If you have an oral strain and you go down on a girl, voila...., it can transfer and become active. It will manifest the same symptoms as a genital strain, although it's an oral strain.

I rarely ever get outbreaks, but when I do it's because I'm run down or tired. Sitting around in sweaty workout clothes after your run isn't good either. Typically you can take lysine and that helps to suppress it or it helps you to heal faster if you have an outbreak. If you have insurance and can get a prescription for Valtrex or acyclovir (Zovirax)it would surely help.

I think that you'd be VERY surprised to find out how many people have actually contracted some form of herpes. It's a lot more than you think. It's not like we go shouting it from the rooftops.

In closing, it's not as bad as people make it out to be. Yes, it's not fun, but it's far from the end of the world.

You keep that s*it forever like luggage.

There is also the possibility that she gave it to her ex rather than vice versa. She could have been carrying this forever.

You don't diagnose herpes with a titer/blood test. You diagnose herpes with a physical exam (and a Tzanck smear/DFA/culture if you're not sure that the blister you're seeing is truly herpes).

Your girlfriend has not been diagnosed with herpes.

>90% of the population is seropositive for HSV-1 and never have any clinical outbreaks of herpes. A somewhat smaller but still significant percentage of people have HSV-2 antibodies (HSV-2 is the virus that is more classically associated with genital herpes, while HSV-1 is classically associated with orolabial herpes, but there is plenty of cross-over).

There is suppressive therapy for people who do get outbreaks, but let me make it clear again if it has not been so yet:

Your girlfriend has not been diagnosed with herpes.

Herpes is a media-manufactured disease. It causes no serious illness, and is usually and sometimes always asymptomatic. It was never considered a big deal until the 1970's when drug manufacturers wanted to sell useless "treatments" for it.

and

Forget it and be glad you don't have a real disease.

I just tested positive for it. My GF that I'm not super enamored with tested positive a week or so ago. Neither of us has had symptoms (been together for a year), so we'll never know who gave it to whom. She reacted like it was the end of her life - crying so badly when she told me the news I thought she had a terminal cancer or something. Maybe I had time to brace myself, because it is like "oh well" when I got my positive result today.

Tell that to kids that have been born to moms with active herpetic lesions when giving birth.

I would just like to give my perspective on the topic. I was raped when i was 16 years old and was test some months after that and received a positive HSV2 test. I feel as though I dont want to have a long term relationship because I have been left in the past because I have confessed what I have.

Now my current boyfriend is leaving me because he is allergic to condoms and is terrified of getting HSV2. I am doing everything I can to keep him from leaving me. We have been together for a year and i told him a couple months back. He just wants to know he is safe and Im trying to show him. He is so paranoid that he cant sleep at night. We have sex unprotected for a year now and he still does not have it. I take my medication regularly and dont have sex with him when I have a breakout.

He has been my best friend for years before we became boyfriend and girlfriend. But now everything is going down the drain. We had our future planned and now I am moving out.

My grandmother has given me advice bc she too has HSV2. She was in a 12 year relationship with her husband and has never given him the diease. They never had protected sex and she was openly honest with him.

I do believe everyones infection is different. I dont breakout much which I believe I wont give it to someone because I take my medicine and dont have sex with breakouts. I am going to my doctor this week to see if they have some way of screening for every month by swabbing the inside of me to see if they can get a positive reading that way. I feel as though if they get a reading of negative then i wont give it to him. Also, I dont believe everything doctors say because I believe some are just trying to make money.

Herpes bump