feeling like a bad son
I love my family, but I don't like spending time with them 10/10/2010 7:33PM Reply | Return to Index | Report Post
I'm 23 and my parents are approaching 60. We don't spend much time together or even talk on the phone. We don't really have much to talk about, and they live several hours away. Whenever they visit or I visit them, I don't really enjoy most of the time we spend together, though I do love them. I mean, they're my parents. I always feel bad because I know they love me a lot and would like to spend more time with me, would like to talk to me more, but I just don't enjoy it. I don't really know what to do.
Sloorhoff
RE: I love my family, but I don't like spending time with them 10/10/2010 7:37PM - in reply to feeling like a bad son Reply | Return to Index | Report Post
Dont lie. They are upstairs waiting for you to come up to dinner. Just watch some football with pops after you eat. That is quality family time right there.
Night Runner
RE: I love my family, but I don't like spending time with them 10/10/2010 7:56PM - in reply to feeling like a bad son Reply | Return to Index | Report Post
Perhaps your interests are too narrow and superficial. Are you really interested or knowledgeable about anything besides running?


If you are approaching your mid twenties you should be able to have interesting conversations with your parents. Do you come across as arrogant and aloof - are you better educated and flaunt it - the best revenge is having kids of your own; they almost certainly will know more then you when they reach their teens. Are you still in this stage?
stuck with match.com
RE: I love my family, but I don't like spending time with them 10/10/2010 8:08PM - in reply to feeling like a bad son Reply | Return to Index | Report Post
Hey buddy don't feel so bad. You're young, eventually you will realize that your family is cooler and spend more time with them. it happens with most guys at our age.
been there for decades
RE: I love my family, but I don't like spending time with them 10/10/2010 8:15PM - in reply to Night Runner Reply | Return to Index | Report Post
Give him a break. We don't know what life is like for him at home.

I'm almost 60 - the age of his parents. I felt the same way about my mom when I was 20 and I still fell that way now at 60. (Dad died young when I was in elementary school).

Home life was awful; nothing satisfied her. Had to have the top GPA, fastest times, most baskets, win the 4H cooking contest, etc. Her demands were relentless. None of my brothers or sisters live near her. We all got out of Dodge as fast as we could.

Still feel guilty about these feelings, especially now that she has shrunk about a foot and have had to move back closer to her as she will undoubtedly shortly loose her drivers license - if the state has any sense. She is still gawd awful company.

Brought my kids up by going the opposite of what she did. I have a great relationship with my kids and they turned out great.

Advice: Be polite, reassure them of your love, live YOUR life. I found the phone a nice tool. Surely your parents use the internet.
run2thehills
RE: I love my family, but I don't like spending time with them 10/10/2010 8:16PM - in reply to feeling like a bad son Reply | Return to Index | Report Post
Read Alice Miller, "The Drama of the Gifted Child".

All families are fcked to one extent or another. Deal with it, move on, try to be a better parent than they were to you when you have your own kids. That's about the best you can hope for.
feeling like a bad son
RE: I love my family, but I don't like spending time with them 10/10/2010 8:18PM - in reply to Night Runner Reply | Return to Index | Report Post

Night Runner wrote:

Perhaps your interests are too narrow and superficial. Are you really interested or knowledgeable about anything besides running?


If you are approaching your mid twenties you should be able to have interesting conversations with your parents. Do you come across as arrogant and aloof - are you better educated and flaunt it - the best revenge is having kids of your own; they almost certainly will know more then you when they reach their teens. Are you still in this stage?



We're just very different people. We have near opposite views on politics and religion. They're racist and homophobic. I'm not. They think it's there responsibility to tell people how to live their lives, I'm more of the mind-your-own-business type of person. We end up talking about the exact same things every time we talk. Having the same conversation 20 times gets kind of old. My dad laughs at all his own jokes, often times hysterically in public places, even when no one else even chuckles. He also talks so loud I'm sure everyone within a 40ft radius can hear. Neither have any interests or hobbies. My mom watches 5+ hours of TV a day and my dad works 70+ hours a week (he doesn't have to; he likes to work). I don't watch much tv at all and like to DO things. Neither have college degrees; I'm applying to PhD programs (not used to suggest a superiority, just a difference). Both are overweight and always want to go out and have big meals at restaraunts (for almost every meal), I'd rather cook for myself. We can't watch movies together because my mom thinks everything is evil and my dad ends up talking so much during the movie you miss 1/4 of the dialogue. etc etc etc

I've come to resent holidays because I always feel obligated to spend it with them, and I always feel like I'd have had a better time doing nothing at all. I'm know that sounds terrible, which is why I feel bad about myself, but it's just how I feel.
coach
RE: I love my family, but I don't like spending time with them 10/10/2010 8:20PM - in reply to feeling like a bad son Reply | Return to Index | Report Post
I think it's quite normal and the fact that you feel a bit guilty shows you care. The older you get the more you'll appreciate and love your parents. And when you have a family of your own you'll really appreciate them
Chairman Wow
RE: I love my family, but I don't like spending time with them 10/10/2010 8:21PM - in reply to been there for decades Reply | Return to Index | Report Post

been there for decades wrote:

Give him a break. We don't know what life is like for him at home.

I'm almost 60 - the age of his parents. I felt the same way about my mom when I was 20 and I still fell that way now at 60. (Dad died young when I was in elementary school).

Home life was awful; nothing satisfied her. Had to have the top GPA, fastest times, most baskets, win the 4H cooking contest, etc. Her demands were relentless. None of my brothers or sisters live near her. We all got out of Dodge as fast as we could.

Still feel guilty about these feelings, especially now that she has shrunk about a foot and have had to move back closer to her as she will undoubtedly shortly loose her drivers license - if the state has any sense. She is still gawd awful company.

Brought my kids up by going the opposite of what she did. I have a great relationship with my kids and they turned out great.

Advice: Be polite, reassure them of your love, live YOUR life. I found the phone a nice tool. Surely your parents use the internet.



I agree. I'm about the same age as OP and my parents are about the same age as his. I love my parents and like spending time with them, but I know that not everyone is as lucky as I am.
feeling like a bad son
RE: I love my family, but I don't like spending time with them 10/10/2010 8:28PM - in reply to been there for decades Reply | Return to Index | Report Post

been there for decades wrote:

I found the phone a nice tool. Surely your parents use the internet.


My dad doesn't know how to use email (or computers in general for the most part) and my mom thinks it's such a hassle she only checks it about once a month. When she does write, she often tries to put me on a guilt trip or starts telling me she's praying for me when she knows damn well I'm not religious and am only annoyed by her telling me that all the time.

I really grew away from them in high school as they said and did a lot of things to me I wouldn't do or say to anyone. They seemed to go out of their way to interfere with my happiness, and I was a 4.000 student, no trouble with the law, state champion, good relationships with other students and teachers, etc. It seemed like they were often trying to sabotage me. They've gotten a lot better since they realized I now have say in whether we have any kind of relationship, but their ill treatment of me caused me to distance myself emotionally from them as to where now I don't really feel like I NEED them at all. I still love them, but really the only reason I talk to them is because I know it makes THEM happy.
Rene the Cart
RE: I love my family, but I don't like spending time with them 10/10/2010 8:29PM - in reply to feeling like a bad son Reply | Return to Index | Report Post
You gotta just suck it up. My parents are huge on watching movies together, and I always hate them (the movies). My parents are like, 'we need to spend time together,' and I'm like 'how does me wasting two hours watching a movie I don't want to see, while I happen to be in a seat next to you, count as quality time?' But two hours a week of watching a terrible movie is a pretty damn minor sacrifice to show someone you care, or even to pretend you care even if you don't but feel guilty. So you do like a good woman and fake it. Hopefully your parents are as naive and self-confident as 95% of men and can't tell that you're faking. Don't feel guilty about resenting it; if you go, and make a good enough effort at pretending you're not furious that you're wasting your time, the fact that you resent it later isn't something to feel guilty about. Instead, feel proud that you put on a good face.
N0 SLEEP TIL BROOKLYN
RE: I love my family, but I don't like spending time with them 10/10/2010 8:35PM - in reply to feeling like a bad son Reply | Return to Index | Report Post
Just try to be nice to them and try to remember that they will not be around forever. You're 23. It's Ok.

When I was a teenager I didn't have any of that rebellious phase and I got along really well with my parents and family while I was living at home. We had the parents my friends wished they had. In the "real" world it all changed and I didn't get along with my parents at all all throughout my 20s. Finally in my mid-30s (Yikes! Already?!?) I can appreciate them even though I see them only once a year.

You don't have to see the things that you have in common right now. I promise when you get older you will see how you you are the same. Try to see them when you can. You might not like it, but they do. And one day you will realize what you have learned and can learn from them.
take it from me
RE: I love my family, but I don't like spending time with them 10/10/2010 11:26PM - in reply to feeling like a bad son Reply | Return to Index | Report Post
Don't feel bad, this is a common issue. I've kinda figured it out and hopefully you will too. Like every other relationship in your life, you have to work at it. The fact that you are troubled about your relationship shows that you care. Take that as a sign and find a way to make it better. Offer to cook them dinner or take them to a museum.
DocLove
RE: I love my family, but I don't like spending time with them 10/11/2010 3:57AM - in reply to Rene the Cart Reply | Return to Index | Report Post
'You gotta just suck it up. My parents are huge on watching movies together, and I always hate them (the movies). My parents are like, 'we need to spend time together,' and I'm like 'how does me wasting two hours watching a movie I don't want to see, while I happen to be in a seat next to you, count as quality time?'

How many hours a week do you waste on the internet reading rubbish like on here
NoFatty
RE: I love my family, but I don't like spending time with them 10/11/2010 9:09AM - in reply to feeling like a bad son Reply | Return to Index | Report Post
You don't love them. You don't even like them. Contrary to what most of western society would have you believe, the latter is a prerequisite for the former. Don't waste your life on people you don't like, and don't feel bad about it.
Night Runner
RE: I love my family, but I don't like spending time with them 10/11/2010 10:39AM - in reply to feeling like a bad son Reply | Return to Index | Report Post
All right, after reading more of your posts I realize that you are the true adult in this relationship. There isn't much you can do to change their attitudes other than minimizing contact with them. you probably don't want to do that right now so just kind of keep on keeping on. As you grow older, you will be able to distance yourself further if you need/want to. Good luck.
yetanotherchick
RE: I love my family, but I don't like spending time with them 10/11/2010 11:13AM - in reply to Night Runner Reply | Return to Index | Report Post
So you don't enjoy visiting your parents even though you love them. Take comfort that a lot of people of all ages feel the same way. Then recognize that the right thing to do isn't always the most enjoyable, and do the right thing.

I'm also dissimilar from my parents, but I've come to realize that they simply want to spend some time with me and they don't really care what we do during that time, only that I cared enough to come visit them. We watch football.

It's not that terrible if you can't have that Hallmark relationship where your parents are your best friends and the people with whom you're the most open. Change your goals to having a considerate and peaceful relationship, and try to make your visits as happy as possible for them. It's not necessary to let your parents know how wrong you think they are about their beliefs and politics. Learn how to change the subject. Watch the crappy movie. Take them out to dinner. Find out something that isn't politics or religion that they like, like golf or Josh Groban, and even if you secretly think it sucks, learn how to have a pleasant conversation about it, just like how they listened to your really boring ramblings as a child.
emanresu
RE: I love my family, but I don't like spending time with them 12/9/2012 2:55PM - in reply to feeling like a bad son Reply | Return to Index | Report Post
I know exactly how you feel. I am 24. I don't have anything in common with my parents, either. Also, I have hardly anything in common with my sisters and brother, and I have three. It's like we're from totally different worlds.

My mother has bipolar disorder, is overly paranoid, constantly conjures wild, perverted fantasies about what other people in her life do in private, is extremely negative (her negativity permeates you when she is merely standing next to you), cannot control her spending habits, frequently tries to make others feel guilty for doing things that she does not approve of, and wants everyone else, even her own children, to fail at life so she doesn't feel so much of a failure herself. I don't know anyone that enjoys being around her.

I love my father, he is very kind and has always been there for his children. But he is socially awkward and we basically have nothing in common. He can be very judgmental and has this famous "disapproving" eyebrow raise stare that he likes to give us on occasion. Unlike you, I left college after a few years to start a business. Not because I don't appreciate the value of a good college education, but because I was spending thousands of dollars a year on college when I didn't even need a degree or connections for what I wanted to do. My father feels that if you want to be successful you must get your college degree. Both of my sisters attend college and my brother is about to enroll next year, so you can imagine how my father looks at me as if I failed at life.

It seems as if my family is out of touch with reality. My two sisters hardly have personalities, they rely on their beauty to lure guys and other girls who envy them into their lives. They have a lot of "fake" friends. Making appearances and maintaining their images is what they live for. They are both expert manipulators and they use this skill to take advantage of others in order to get what they want. It really saddens me because I know we are related and of the same blood and I feel as you do. I feel guilty and upset for disliking them so much. But I really can't help how I feel.
emanresu
RE: I love my family, but I don't like spending time with them 12/9/2012 3:08PM - in reply to feeling like a bad son Reply | Return to Index | Report Post
Also, I don't think friendship has age limitations. I am 24, but I have friends and have enjoyed the company of others who are around 60 years old. My last boyfriend's mother is in her sixties, and we got along really well. We both had similar interests and we could talk with each other for hours. I had a teacher in high school who was also in his sixties, and we shared a lot of the same values. He was very easy to talk to and I think he really enjoyed having me as a student. I don't think you will ever "grow" to appreciate your parents' company. I don't think you will ever like them. I think you are very different people, and that's okay. Luckily there are other people in this world who would love to have you as a friend. You don't have to love or want to be around your parents, and you don't need to feel guilty about it. My advice is to limit the amount of time you spend with them, as it appears to me that they only get you down. Focus on creating positive relationships with others and on bettering yourself as a person.