How Can I get My Son to Work Harder

i was very similar at his age, and now in college much improved. I would say honestly just set a good example, he'll get motivated when something motivates him and he gains a better understanding that his lack of motivation in some areas may eventually hurt him in areas he wants to excel. Its a tougher lesson that really cant be taught by a parent by force. Eventually he'll find that something that lights a fire under him and gets him moving and things will change, but at the same time, keep on his ass diligently, your still the parent.

Makes sense. That's my hope so I am increasingly more hands on, using rewards and firmness but trying to keep from getting too heavy-handed which was my tendancy in his early years. Thanks, clearly it seems recognizing it as a problem worked for you; he definitely does not get that yet.

Also, make sure you recognize and praise him for his accomplishments. Some kids just need a lot more positive reinforcement than others.

leave the kid alone quit trying to mold him into a good corporate citizen

i was in a very similar situation at his age, and now in college, and not improved in the slightest. I wish I was a hard worker, I really do, but assignments just have a way of not getting done until the day before they are due.

I'm no parent. I'm 21, but something I've noticed over and over again about myself is that I come to value things I could previously see no value in (for instance, in my earlier school years I used to hate history and think it pointless. Now I'm greatly intrigued by it). That is not to say that I became a better student because of a new interest in a particular subject, because I have as long as I can remember though it important to work hard in school, but it lead me to actively pursue it more. A more relevant example is that as I am preparing to graduate and really live on my own for the first time (college doesn't count), I have taken an interest in things like cooking, taxes, dress clothes, etc.--things I never really put much time of my own into before. Now I see the benefit of it, and needless to say my parents are ecstatic. What I'm trying to say is that working hard at something and seeing its value have always gone hand in hand for me. I know that isn't very specific parenting advice, but it's maybe an angle to play around with.

he needs to experience hardship, and not be rescued from it.

learn the hard way = learn how input effects outcome

Take him to the skaniest homeless section of town. Tell him they did not have the motivation to do well in school. Then take him to a prison tour at a gnarly facility or juvenile hall. Tell him they did not have the motivation to do well in school either.

Then take him to the posh, ritzy part of town. Tell him they DID have the motivation to do well in school.

Thanks I appreciate the comments; some good ideas except maybe the "leaving him alone" comment. Any parent knows kids need direction, some more than others. When he finishes school he can do what he pleases, but my job is to be a good coach, mentor, example etc. I think "letting him fail" with regards to school, at this point, could result in more than just bad grades, say being left behind, which is not a good lesson. Other failures, even getting fired, have less impact and can be good learnings, I agree. I am motivated by the fact that he is happy and curious with great interests. Thanks all.

Rode Worrier wrote:

He is smart, creative, great sense of humor, good friendships, well behaved, good verbal skills, reads well, and does not have problems understanding most concepts. In sports he is reasonably coordinated and ran a 2.5 mile race last year without much effort or any training, so he is capable.

... I am having him observed and tested for "ADD" or other problems...

I think i see where the problem lies.

Sorry there is two threads on this, if you are insuating the ADD thing was my idea, I am sorry that I miscommunicated that, as I said in the other thread, that was the school's or school psycologist's idea after the math teacher complained. They gave me a two pager to fill out and having an assistant observe him in class.

To be clear, I am not a big fan of the ADD excuse or drugging kids.

Promise to get him laid. Works every time.

This thread looks like another Bronx Boy fishing expedition.

Decide what must be done intrinsically. School work and the like should be done without intrinsic motivation. Running is intrinsic. What is vital for his success in life?

Provide a soft landing when he fails and don't make it permanent, but he has to fail.

You love him to death?

What a horrible way to die!

You give him everything

He works for nothing

He earns nothing

He contributes nothing

Time to be a parent and teach

him some life skills or he'll

be living in your basement when he's 31!

Paper route? Yard work?

Boy Scouts? Jr. Olympics?

Local running club?

Water sports? Go to the pool at the Y

Can he swim?

Take him for a hike

Have the family camp overnight

Go skiing with him

Buy him some ice skates

See if he has any science or technical skills

Steven Spielberg made 8mm home movies when he was a kid

Build a snow fort or a tree house

Give him some shop skills so he won't lose any fingers

when he gets into high school

Have him assist you when you change the oil or tune up the car

Buy him a junk bike and have him put it in working order

If he's the youngest, he'll be choosing

the nursing home you die in so...

teach your children well

I say immerse youself in finding things that he may take interest in. By including him in your activities, it may spark an interest in something he likes. You never know what makes that spark.

I was a spastic kid that was all over the place and couldn't focus on anything for more than 5 seconds. One day I found I could run longer than anyone else and that's all it took. I think it was running laps around the inner city block for football practice. Not saying running is his thing, but I found mine by chance. If he's just sitting there like a lump of coal, there's little chance he will find something to get him motivated.

The activities task master gave were great.

Maybe buy an old car and set up a 4 year plan for restoration and then tell him it's his if he helps.

Go run with him. If I knew I could beat my dad at something it was great, if he beat me, I would work so hard to try and beat him.

Who knows what will spark his interest but it's your job to keep trying. Your child, your responsibility. Please don't make him ours (taxpayers) as we are already paying too much for worthless parents.

I'm surprised no one has mentioned repeated beatings.

This board is really going downhill.

yard work....yard work.....and more yard work....your son will be a workhorse in no time

mpj: Also, make sure you recognize and praise him for his accomplishments. Some kids just need a lot more positive reinforcement than others.

And some become unmotivated because of too much, of the wrong variety anyhow. This was a real eye-opener for some of us: