| Haha, YO (super cereal) |
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There was a bar at the college I went to that all the frat stars and sorostitutes went to. My track bros and I would go just to grind and drink for cheap. One night after getting shut down by the sorostitues multiple times, my friend and I start a fight out front of the bar then run back to the back. We were trying to create a distraction out front so no one would notice when we snuck back to the back where the kegs/beers were stored in the walk in fridge. Well it worked and we eneded up hauling a full keg of Coors Light, 4 cases of Dos Equis/Corona and 4 handles of Aristocrat out and stashing them out in the woods behind the bar. While we were carrying the last of it out of the walk in fridge, an employee of the bar walks up and sees what we're doing. He starts yelling "hey GTFO" blah blah blah. The bad part is that there was a literal cliff behind the bar that we had to climb up to get away. One of my shoes gets stuck in the mud on the cliff so I just ditch the other one. After we get away and hide out for a minute, my bro who was with me ends up stealing a bike and riding it back to my house, about a mile away. I stay and continue to stake out for another 15 minutes or so. I then get bored and run back to my house, totally drunk and shoeless. When I get back, my bro and another bro are destroying the bike and getting out all their agression built up from the night. We then drunk drive back to the bar, sneak over the fence, and transport all the alcohol from the woods to my car. This was towards the end of the school year, so we had a week long party at my house with the alcohol, free of charge of course. It was a pretty fun week. |
| ManlyMan |
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bump? |
| slow idiot |
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lets see... driving way too much. crashed a couple of times, only minor damage to my car, didnt get caught. only got caught once, passed out at drive thru. very stupid, but thankfully no one was ever hurt. lost my virginity to an ugly chick who i later found out when she was in elementary school, people did not know if she was a dude or a chick. she looks much better now, but still, you get the point. goddammed flip cup. in college, (small not very good D1) after outdoor conference we always had a case race with our coach. at the time, he didnt really give a shit about his job and i dont blame him, they didnt pay shit and we werent very good. we won 2 out of 3 then he went to a different school. one of those nights a sober teammate was driving coachs car and i puked out the side. he didnt care at all even though he just bought the car with winnings from a recent marathon win. he is still coaching at a much better school now and i dont think he still has the car. |
| mookie blalock |
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Broke into a house just to poop in their toilet |
| name withheld |
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Not proud of this. I was at a goodbye party for a friend and we were all drinking until around 2 a.m. I abruptly stood up and announced I was going to walk home, about 20 miles. Walked in the right direction for a few hours, sometimes stopping at convenience stores to buy more beer. Bought a porn mag at one, sat in a park and jacked off. Threw the mag into somebody's back yard. Started walking again, somehow got turned around and walked back in the direction I'd come from. Realized it after about a mile and a half, got angry and keyed a Mercedes that was parked nearby. Found a commuter train station and puked on the platform while waiting for the first train. Passed out on the train and woke up at the end of the line out in the mountains about 30 miles away from home. Didn't get home until almost noon. |
| It's you! |
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Flagpole? |
| irate taxpayer |
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Let me guess- you're a teacher in the Chicago schools? |
| redux |
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Went out of town to visit my friend. Got drunk. Black out. Wake up in some empty apartment with only my tshirt and button up on. Wait for the hall to be empty. Put my legs through the arms of my tshirt so I'm wearing it like shorts. Put on my button up. Run out to the street. Randomly guess what direction to go to get to my friend's house. Run down the street barefoot. Find the apartment. Go inside and tell him the story. He knows the building I describe because it's exactly like the one he lives in so it's pretty amazing that I ended up in the mirror image of his building two blocks away. Anyway, drive to the location and find my shoes and beshat pants in someone's yard. Throw the pants away into someones trash can. My friend calls my phone since I lost that and my wallet. Some grandpa walks up with my phone and wallet and gives them back. He says it's cool because everyone's been stupid and needs strangers to be nice. Go back to my friends place and he writes a thank you note and we drop it off at the grandpa's house. Go back to the apartment and sleep until 3pm. Wake up and go skateboard until the sun goes down. |
| Dennis Reynolds |
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Bravo sir. |
| slow idiot |
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i cant believe i forgot about this one. i was currently dating this woman 10+ years my senior; i know, shut up. she has a party at her house and passes out in her room. i stay up continuing to party with the few remaining people there. eventually everyone leaves or passes out except me and one other girl, our mutual friend; much closer to my age, mind you, actually younger. anyway, one thing leads to another and we end up doing the nasty in my girlfriend's 10 year old daughter's bedroom right next door to my girlfriend's room. the daughter was staying with her father that weekend. never talked to the girl again and quickly thereafter stopped returning calls from the "old lady" once i realized i still had it, or thought so at least... |
| Quill |
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Here in Australia, you used to be able to buy these soda-can size bottles of alcoholic essence – 160 proof – for cheap. I say ‘used to’ because a few kids died of alcohol poisoning. Dumb motherfvckers. Anyway, I was 16 and some scumbag from a crappy school and my brand-spanking new girlfriend was a local Catholic school girl - there was an after-formal party coming up so I got some ouzo essence, mixed with up with some sugar and water, and let that shizz chill for a few days. Day of the party comes – it was at one of her rich snobby friends’ places, complete with hovering, disapproving parents, inbred pets with dull eyes and rooms we weren’t allowed to enter - presumably all the art was sequestered away in there. Anyway, sh*t got way out of hand, real fast. Everybody was staring at me and hating on my hard cause I was this drunk, stoned roughhead with long hair and facial piercings. I was pretty sure this girl had told everyone she was going to sleep with me that night too. I was a virgin, and pretty terrified. Anyhoo, I get absurdly drunk and the girl eventually drags me into a room in a freestanding building in the backyard to get it on. Next thing I know her preppy catholic school bros have burst in and dragged me from the bed, pants around my ankles, and deposited me into the yard in front of dozens of horrified onlookers. I recall very little of this. Apparently I picked myself up, brushed myself off, grabbed a beer and kept partying… with my fly still undone, stumbling around looking pretty fvcking shady, no doubt. The preppy boys never fvcked with me cause I found out later they had to drink themselves up to their confrontation and didn’t have the balls to follow through on it so fvck ‘em. Girl seems to take all this in her stride, parents show. I found out the entire ride home I was mumbling about how I needed to spew. So there’s two more horrified rich people. They get to my house, bundle me out and drive off. I don’t recall this but figured it out by the fact I was passed out in the gutter directly outside my house. To top it off, I was woken by dad taking my pants off – his pants, as it happened, which I nicked to wear as we were the same size and they were awesome. All of this happened in the street outside my house (we were in a rural area or I’m certain someone would have called the cops immediately). I eventually came to wearing my underwear, having being dragged into our front yard by my champion dad so thanks for that. Gave the girl a good nailing the next week, sober as a judge and horny as racehorse. |
| at20 |
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I have much worse and more bizarre stories, but the most memorable involved sex for an hour with a 6' tall girl -- still the hottest I ever slept with. I met her that night after she struck out with a summer roommate of mine. She was clearly frustrated, so she and I and two of our friends drank and drank and danced (I don't dance) and then started walking home from the island bar. On the way, one of the girls said that most of the homes on the tony block we walked on were empty during the week. She told us to follow her, went to a front door, opened it. We followed her in, rummaged around for food and drink, watched a movie in the den and drank champagne from the fridge. Then finally went to the bedrooms. Found a rubber in the bedside table and had good-for-me-bad-for-her sex for an eternity until she finally shut it down. We dressed and continued home, turning on hazard lights in about 50 unlocked cars along the way like the quirky drunken punks we were. |
| the repubs get it |
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Egged a Wendy's because they wouldn't let us walk through the drive thru. The dining room was closed, and we had no way to order, so we went and bought eggs and egged the sh1t out of em. |
| shoe fits |
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nailed my girlfriend's mother. |
| mookie blalock |
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Stabbed a guy with a fork so I could take the cheetos he was eating |
| Mr. Sippy |
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This one’s not about me, but it’s about a guy who was staying in the same small hostel I stayed in while backpacking Europe awhile back. I was in San Sebastian, Spain, and this hostel was cool because for whatever reason all of the people staying there became really close; even though we all came from different countries and maybe had different native languages, everybody partied together. We’d all trek over to the local supermarket and pick up our supplies of cheap wine and beer for a night, pregame until near blackout, then go hit the bars and clubs. There was a group of 3 Australian guys staying there, and they partied on a different level than I was willing to. They’d drink more than the rest of us, suck up a couple lines of blow, and then go cruise the nightlife. Absolutely crazy dudes. The second night of this, everything seemed to be going well. Everybody was getting crunk, and good times were being had. The next morning, one of the Aussies was missing. We had no idea where he was, but just figured he was off slamming it out with some biddy. At noon, we started to get a little bit worried, but we were all hung over enough to not really care that much. He finally rolled in at around 3 in the afternoon, looking disheveled and terrified. He promptly went up to the hostel manager and asked for an entire room for himself (which was expensive as hell...), then goes into the room and stays there for hours as we knock on the door and try to get the story out of him. At about 8 o’clock, when we were getting started again for another night, the hostel manager was worried that the kid might be dead in there, so he told the kid to let him in, then talked the kid out of the room. We all hounded him drunkenly, until he finally told us his story about the night before. He swore us to secrecy before telling us that he woke up in an alley with a homeless black man sucking on his peener. I believe I am not the only one to have broken the vow of silence on this one. |
| whiskey myers |
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I diddled not one, not two, but three dogs in one night |
| LURunner |
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Went to one of my best friend's wedding about 3 weeks ago, arrived at the reception after the ceremony to discover there was an open bar so needless to say I got pretty hammered. I was dancing with my friends having an awesome time and I run into this girl and we start talking. Don't really remember what I said to her but we started dancing together. We go outside and she tells me she wants to have sex with me. After a while of searching for a place to have sex I decide to do it with her in a cornfield near the reception hall. Had sex with her for about 45 minutes or so and walk back to discover all of my friends had went back to the hotel where we were staying. The girl then proceeds to call her Grandmother to pick us up and drop me off at the hotel. We get there and the girl tells that Grandmother that she is going to stay the night with me and the Grandmother say Ok and leaves. We walk into the hotel and the girl says she wants to buy a room for the both of us so we don't have to share with my other friends. She buys one, it cost about 75 dollars, and we have sex in there for pretty much the whole night. Next morning one of my friends sends me a text saying they are about to leave so I then quickly and quietly get dressed and meet up with them leaving her in the room by herself. Never saw her again. |
| drunken troll |
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I started a Thread on Letsrun about Meb not being a real American. The next thing I know they are talking about it on ESPN and CNN. |
| Showernaningans |
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I decided to walk home from a party in a straight line rather than following the road back. This meant going through people's yards, all of which had fences, then climbing over a big highway barrier and crossing a major road. At some point a wooden fence broke underneath me and left a huge bruise on my quad. In retrospect it could've easily impaled the leg, but whatever. Then I sent some texts to a random girl blaming her for getting hurt, but actually just typing gibberish, and fell asleep. The next day at practice I said I had hit my leg on a table while doing core exercises. |